A FORMULA OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Why are certain persons more successful than others in their
personal lives and in their professional environment? Some are perhaps
very successful at their homes, having good relationships with their
spouses and children, but having many communication problems in their
office: problems with bosses, but good relationships with co-workers or
vice versa, good relationship with the bosses, but conflicts with other
managers and subordinates. Others again are having good relationships at
the office at the expense of their marriages and family life: too much time
is being spent at the office and the family at home is being felt ignored
and left behind.
The root cause of the problem is communication or to be more
exact: effective communication. It is actually surprising that a lot of
communication is going well most of the time. However, if a
communication problem happens, the question: what went wrong? Usually
remains an unanswered question. There are plenty of books, articles and
websites dedicated to the problems of communication. Some give
scientific evidence of communication barriers and obstacles, but leave
finding practical solutions to the reader. More practically oriented recipes
are difficult to implement due to lack of time and practice. For example
the trait assertiveness: it has become common knowledge that it is
important to be assertive in daily life. But how can one be assertive if he
or she is introvert by nature? On top of personality (extrovert versus
introvert), there is the issue of culture: people from certain countries are
simply less extrovert than from other countries.
Martin Hahn says: “Wouldn’t is be extremely useful to have a simple
formula of effective communication which can be used in all
circumstances?” He thinks the following formula would be helpful:
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION= SELF-INTEREST + INTEREST OF
OTHERS – DISTURBING FACTORS
OR
EC = SI + IO – DF
Let’s look at the three elements of this formula.
Self-interest
When people communicate, self interest is probably the main reason
for communication. One is far more interested in his or her own interest
than in the interests of others. The above formula can actually be
simplified even further by simply stating that communication is equal to
self-interest. For this reason, communication is rarely effective because
one is not trying to find a common ground in interaction processes but
merely seeking a way to fulfill certain short-term interests. The most
important problem in communication is probably asymmetry. The two
parties in question are having different agendas and different interests
which is further complicated by asymmetries of, knowledge, power and
authority. For this reason, negotiation skills and tactics have become a
very important trait of modern civilization. In the old days, physical
strength was the determining factor to force the other party to
compromise. Thanks to civilization, consensus can now be reached by
communication. This civilizing process is basically a shift from a
“command and control” communication culture to a “negotiating and
persuasion” culture.
Interest of Others
The interest of others has probably been the most important issue in
many textbooks about effective communication. The ability to listen, to
get and give feedback, to control anger (“anger management”), conflict
resolution, stress management, etc., have been discussed in great lengths
by many authors, scholars, management trainers, etc.
The problem is accommodating the interests of others have become
more important with the introduction of information technology and the
ability to trade goods and services in cyberspace. True globalization has
probably already occurred in cyberspace where a global 24 hour economy
has been created where everybody is exchanging goods, services and
information all over the world.
Everybody has become a customer! It is important to look at the
needs of others as your customer. This marketing concept was first used
in transactional settings, but was introduced in learning organizations and
now has become an important concept in all corners of life.
The issue of discovering the interests of others has even been
infiltrated by non-scientific ‘tools’ like astrology, numerology and tarot
cards. Before the discovery of these tools, one was still utilizing (and still
is utilizing) many scientific tools offered by psychologists ranging from
psychoanalysis, conversation analysis, transactional analysis and the sort
resulting in various therapies which might be effective depending on the
willingness of the buyer to take it seriously or not.
How can one discover the interests of others? This requires a
proactive approach from both parties. Two strategies might be helpful.
The first strategy is called the PAIR approval strategy: Placate (listen,
empathize, respond with concern); Attend (to the other); Investigate
(circumstances details of issue); Resolve (decide on action to take). The
second strategy is called the five-step method: listen, respond, decide on
action, take action and follow up.
Disturbing Factors
The third element of effective communication is probably the most
difficult one: how to eliminate disturbing factors or how to overcome
communication barriers. There are basically six types of barriers between
people communicating with each other: differences in perception,
incorrect filtering, language problems, poor listening, differing emotional
states, and differing backgrounds.:
1. Differences in perception
The world constantly bombards us with information: sights, sounds,
scents, and so on. Our minds organize this stream of sensation into a
mental map that represents our perception or reality. In no case is the
perception of a certain person the same as the world itself, and no two
maps are identical. As we view the world, our mind absorbs our
experiences in a unique and personal way. Because our perceptions are
unique, the ideas we want to express differ from other people’s. Even
when two people have experienced the same event, their mental images
of that event will not be identical. As senders, we choose the details that
seem important and focus our attention on the most relevant and general,
a process known as selective perception.
As receivers, we try to fit new details into our existing pattern. If a
detail doesn’t quite fit, we are inclined to distort the information rather
than rearrange the pattern.
When giving or receiving feedback, it’s essential to remember that
what people are experiencing does not necessarily make it true that it
happened in that way. Perceptions are very important data – but not
necessarily reality.
Our perceptions are influenced by:
a) physical elements -- what information your eye or ear can
actually take in, how your brain processes it.
b) environmental elements -- what information is out there to
receive, its context.
c) learned elements -- culture, personality, habit: what filters we
use to select what we take in and how we react to it.
For example, color blind people will not perceive "red" the way as
other people do. Those with normal vision may physically see "red"
similarly, but will interpret it culturally:
red meaning "stop" or "anger" or "excitement" or "in debt" (US)
red meaning "good fortune" (China)
red meaning your school's colors
2. Incorrect filtering
Filtering is screening out before a message is passed on to someone
else. In business, the filters between we and our receiver are many;
secretaries, assistants, receptionists, answering machines, etc. Those
same gatekeepers may also ‘translate’ our receiver’s ideas and responses
before passing them on to you. To overcome filtering barriers, try to
establish more than one communication channel, eliminate as many
intermediaries as possible, and decrease distortion by condensing
message information to the bare essentials.
3. Language problems
When we choose the words for our message, we signal that we are a
member of a particular culture or subculture and that we know the code.
The nature of our code imposes its own barriers on our message. Barriers
also exist because words can be interpreted in more than one way.
Language is an arbitrary code that depends on shared definitions, but
there’s a limit to how completely any of us share the same meaning for a
given word. To overcome language barriers, use the most specific and
accurate words possible. Always try to use words our audience will
understand. Increase the accuracy of our messages by using language
that describes rather than evaluates and by presenting observable facts,
events, and circumstances.
4. Poor listening
Perhaps the most common barrier to reception is simply a lack of
attention on the receiver’s part. We all let our minds wander now and
then, regardless of how hard we try to concentrate. People are essentially
likely to drift off when they are forced to listen to information that is
difficult to understand or that has little direct bearing on their own lives.
Too few of us simply do not listen well! To overcome barriers, paraphrase
what we have understood, try to view the situation through the eyes of
other speakers and resist jumping to conclusions. Clarify meaning by
asking non-threatening questions, and listen without interrupting.
5. Differing emotional states
Every message contains both a content meaning, which deals with
the subject of the message, and a relationship meaning, which suggests
the nature of the interaction between sender and receiver. Communication
can break down when the receiver reacts negatively to either of these
meanings. We may have to deal with people when they are upset or when
we are. An upset person tends to ignore or distort what the other person
is saying and is often unable to present feelings and ideas effectively. This
is not to say that we should avoid all communication when we are
emotionally involved, but we should be alert to the greater potential for
misunderstanding that accompanies aroused emotions. To overcome
emotional barriers, be aware of the feelings that arise in our self and in
others as we communicate, and attempt to control them. Most important,
be alert to the greater potential for misunderstanding that accompanies
emotional messages.
6. Differing backgrounds
Differences in background can be one of the hardest communication
barriers to overcome. Age, education, gender, social status, economic
position, cultural background, temperament, health, beauty, popularity,
religion, political belief, even a passing mood can all separate one person
from another and make understanding difficult. To overcome the barriers
associated with differing backgrounds, avoid projecting our own
background or culture onto others. Clarify our own and understand the
background of others, spheres of knowledge, personalities and
perceptions and don’t assume that certain behaviors mean the same thing
to everyone.
In order to overcome these barriers, one must be willing to avoid
selective perception, condense messages to the bare essentials, use
specific and accurate words possible, always verify our interpretation of
what’s been said, be aware of the feelings that arise in ourselves and in
others as we communicate, and attempt to control them.
Communication barriers also exist within organizations. Although all
communication is subject to misunderstandings, business communication
is particularly difficult. Barriers can be caused by: information overload,
message complexity, message competition, differing status, lack of trust,
inadequate communication structures, incorrect choice of medium, closed
communication
climate,
unethical
communication,
inefficient
communication, and physical distractions.
There are three distinct moments which can cause many
communication barriers in organizations; during negotiations, when
dealing with customers, and holding meetings. When we are negotiating,
psychological barriers may arise. These psychological barriers may be ours
or may belong to the other party. Be aware that people carry some of
these barriers and ‘listen’ for their effects. Look for signs of them in the
other party (and in yourself) and use your communication skills to ease or
lower these barriers. Dealing with customers, in turn, can be very hard
because some customers are hard to please and difficult situations can
arise. If a high level of service is not provided, the result will not only be
loss of business, but often an increase in the number of difficult and even
abusive customers. They have not yet been lost. Deal with them
professionally.
The negotiating process, finally, demonstrates a fundamental
tension between the claiming and creating of value. Value claimers view
negotiations purely as an adversarial process. Each side stride tries to
claim as much of a limited pie as possible by giving the other side as little
as possible. Each party claims value through the use of manipulative
tactics, forcible arguments, limited concessions, and hard bargaining.
Value creators, in contrast, call for a process which results in joint gains to
each party. They try to create additional benefits for each side in the
negotiations. They emphasize shared interests, developing a collaborative
relationship, and negotiating in a pleasant and cooperative manner.
GIVING CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK
For feedback to be most useful, it must be presented in such a way
that the receiver does not feel threatened or attacked by the information.
Listed below are some guidelines for giving constructive feedback:
 Direct feedback toward behavior one can do something
about, not the person.
Information about what a person does helps that person make
choices about that behavior. On other hand, assessments about a
person’s "personality traits" or "personal qualities" usually increase their
defensiveness. (E.g., “You arrived ten minutes late” vs. “You’re
irresponsible.”)
 Take the needs of the receiver into account first.
Focus the feedback on the value and usefulness it may provide to
the receiver rather than the "release" it provides the giver, i.e., you.
 Make use of “I” Statements
Make use of “I” Statements to let the receiver know how you
perceive, experience or feel about the behavior. Avoid “we” or “most
people” statements. By saying, “I get upset when you…,” you help
promote a productive dialogue. No one can dispute that that’s how you
feel! Whereas saying “You make me upset” is more likely to lead to an
argument and less communication.
 Focus on what was said and done (actions) rather than
why it was said or done (motives).
Feedback that relates to what, how, when, and where is based on
observable events; while opinions or judgments about the other's motive
or intent relates to interpretations and conclusions drawn from what was
observed.
 Make feedback descriptive rather than evaluative and
judgmental.
By giving an objective description of what occurred and your
reactions to the situation, you leave the receiver free to use the feedback
as he/she sees appropriate. Being judgmental entails a subjective
evaluation of the other based on your personal values.
 Make feedback specific rather than general and abstract.
Feedback is generally more useful if it can be tied to a specific time,
place and action. It is far more useful to say, “I noticed that you broke in
twice while I was speaking during the meeting” than “You are always
interrupting people.” Give examples.
 Share information rather than give advice.
To give advice takes away a person's freedom of choice as well as
responsibility for future actions.
 Be sensitive to timing and selection.
It is important that the giver of feedback be sensitive to both when
it is appropriate to give feedback and how much to give the receiver. The
receiver needs to be ready to hear and deal with the data. Only give an
amount a person can use.
 Check whether the receiver understood your feedback.
One way of doing this is to ask the receiver to rephrase the feedback
to see if it corresponds to what the sender had in mind.
 Request what you’d like them to do differently.
Your request let’s them know exactly what you are asking them to
do. They are free to accept, decline, or counter-propose. You can’t
change them, but by asking you help them see what you think they could
do to help the organization.
WHAT ARE EFFECTIVE
HEALTY COMMUNICATION?
RESPONSES
FOR
Effective responses for healthy communication are those perceived
as being empathetic, caring, warm, and thoughtful. The eight responses
listed 1 through 8 are in the order of most effective to least effective.
Remember, however, that each of these responses could be effective
depending on the context in which it was used.
1. Understanding
An understanding response is most likely to create a climate where
honest, frank communication can occur. It is a feelings–oriented response
which conveys sensitivity and understanding. Strong negative feelings can
become a barrier to communication; this response can diminish those
feelings. Understanding is empathy, i.e., accurately tuning in to what the
other person is feeling at the time. It implies listening beyond the words
and reflecting the feelings.
Understanding Response Examples:
You're feeling discouraged and wonder what's the use.
You're offended and angry.
You're excited over your new assignment.
You seem pleased to have been selected.
By focusing on others' feelings you are recognizing them as
individuals, persons worthy of your concern. This type of response can
reduce hostile feelings in normal persons. It can also be used with persons
when they are over–emotional, crying, fearful, etc., to get beyond those
feelings, or reactions. Understanding or empathy can repair a damaged
relationship.
2. Clarification
The clarification response indicates your intent to comprehend what
the other is saying or to identify the most significant feelings that are
emerging. It indicates that what others are saying is important and you
are checking it out to ensure your perceptions. This can be done in several
ways: echoing the last few words spoken, summarizing the points that
seem most relevant, or paraphrasing. A response of this nature can be
followed profitably by a period of silence. This gives the others a chance to
draw thoughts together or to correct your impression. Clarification
responses reinforce your desire to see from the other's point of view.
Clarification Response Examples:
I gather that you were able to manage your married life
before your baby was born.
You seem to be saying that you were happier in California
and that you would like to go back there.
Let's see, what you want to do is find a more challenging
job?
If I hear you correctly, you are saying that you could devise
a better way of doing this.
This response is useful in reducing hostility. It not only encourages
the others to explain more fully, but also serves to focus the discussion,
especially when followed by silence on your part. It gives the others a
chance to draw their thoughts together and to take responsibility for
coming up with their own ideas. Another use for clarification responses is
to stall for time to think of a more appropriate response.
3. Self–disclosure
Self–disclosure shows your attempts to give others insight into who
you are. It is sharing something about yourself that relates directly to the
conversation: your personal beliefs, attitudes, values, or an event from
your past. Self–disclosure can reduce anxiety by reassuring others that
they are not alone in their feelings or fears.
Self-disclosure Response Examples:
When we had our son the doctor treated us that way, too!
I have always believed that it was better to keep my mouth
shut when my parents were fighting.
Like you, I never felt as if anyone accepted me for the way
I was.
When I was younger kids always made fun of my weight,
the clothes I wore; I know what it is like to stand out in a
crowd.
Self–disclosure is useful in connecting with another person who has
similar problems or life concerns. In peer support groups this lets
newcomers know that they have come to the right place, that there are
people here who have experienced similar problems. Over–use of this
response is not helpful because it focuses attention on the wrong person.
It can be viewed as an attention–getting device. Use sparingly for the best
effect.
4. Questioning
Like it sounds, the question response seeks to elicit information. It
allows others to develop a point. Open questions focus on the others'
general situation, thoughts, reactions, and feelings. They tend to promote
communication. Closed questions focus on specific facts or aspects of the
others situation, generally evoking ``yes'' or ``no'' answers.
Questioning Response Examples:
Do you get along well with your boss? (closed)
Can you tell me about your boss? (open)
Do you like the new house? (closed)
What do you like about the new house? (open)
Is this confusing you? (closed)
What is it that's confusing you? (open)
Open questions are recommended for exploring a broad topic.
Closed questions can be interspersed to get to specific facts or can be
used to cut off long, irrelevant explanations. In either case, listening to
the answer, both what is said and what is left unsaid, is vital to the
questioning process. Caution is needed with questions beginning with
``why.'' They pressure the other for an explanation and can cause
resentment. ``Why'' questions can seem to express disapproval, being
perceived as a cut–down or criticism.
5. Information giving
Information giving involves relating facts in an objective manner
without judgement or evaluation. It leaves the other person free to accept
or reject the facts. It allows the other to take responsibility for using the
information. This response is useful in giving both positive and negative
feedback (confrontation). The others relate only to what has actually
occurred and the effect that this has had. Words such as ``always,''
``never,'' ``should,'' ``ought,'' are only used in setting limits. (The facts
about what must or must not be done, time frames, and limitations.)
Information Giving Response Examples:
This project has a time frame of six weeks and should not
exceed a budget of $850.
Children at every level need touching and nurturing to
develop self–worth.
The support group can be used to meet others dealing with
similar problems.
Responding to others' feelings with an information response
increases the chances of their respecting and following the limits
suggested.
6. Reassurance
Reassurance responses reduce anxiety, diffuse intense feelings, and
express confidence. They provide a pat on the back, but imply that certain
feelings or thoughts should be dismissed as being ``normal'' or
``common.'' This response does not foster a relationship because it tends
to discount people's problems. Cliches fall into this category. Reassurance
is often used by people who come upon a situation that is out of their
realm of experience; they don't know what to do or say, and they may be
embarrassed.
Reassurance Response Examples:
Don't worry. Other people have made it; so will you.
Things may look bad now, but it will be OK in the morning.
You are not really fat.
Hang in there. Disappointment is a normal feeling.
This response could be reworded into an understanding, clarifying or
information–giving response and be more effective. Used as an expression
of sympathy in conjunction with other responses can be helpful. For
example, instead of ``You will manage,'' substitute “You have handled
this situation before. Relax and use your best judgement. Do what you
feel is right for you'' (information giving) and “I have confidence in you''
(reassurance).
7. Analytical
The intent of the analytical response is to analyze, explain, or
interpret the other person's behavior and feelings. It goes beyond
whatever the other has said to explain or connect ideas and events. Unlike
clarification, this response adds something from your own thoughts,
feelings, values, etc. It implies that you are wise, you know more than the
other person. Under most circumstances the analytical response leads to
resentment in others.
Analytical Response Examples:
The reason you are having so much trouble with him is that
he reminds you of your father whom you hate.
You often come to our group late because you really don't
feel comfortable here.
You see her as an authority figure; that is why you can't
relate to her.
You are lonely because you are afraid to risk getting
involved with people.
The analytical response is more appropriate for therapists where
there is an ongoing counseling relationship and where the patient needs to
become aware of certain behavior or reaction patterns. Even then it
sometimes works better to use an information–giving response.
Interpretation is a poor response to use in confronting a person with
behavior of which you disapprove.
8. Advice–giving
Advice giving is usually unproductive. It implies that you are in a
position to know the reasons for the other person's problems, and what
they ought, must, or should do about them. You are, thus, judging the
goodness, appropriateness, effectiveness, or correctness of the other's
actions. Others are being
measured by your personal value system and are found somehow
lacking. This is a process of blaming others for their own problems.
Advice Giving Response Examples:
If I were you, I'd write to him and ask him to send you
something for the kids. You should get a divorce, it's the
only answer to your marital problems.
Instead of arguing, you should try to see the other person's
viewpoint.
You shouldn't say things like that.
Telling people what to do takes away their responsibility for
decisions and problem solving. Advice often arouses resistance and
resentment, even when there is outward compliance. Giving advice, even
when requested can, foster dependency.
information–giving response or a question.
Reword
advice
into
an
 Responding to positive message is a little simpler than
the negative one; how should we behave when we take
a negative message?
RESPONDING TO A NEGATIVE MESSAGE
Dr. Rosenberg discusses the four ways we can respond to a
negative statement from another:
 We can blame ourselves.
“Yes, you are probably right.”
Or
“Oh my God , what could I have done wrong!”
 We can blame the other person.
“How dare you say that!”
 We can sense our own needs and feelings.
“I feel hurt when you say that to me.”
 We can sense the other person’s needs and feelings.
“Wow, you sound irritated!