Just to be clear: Family Court Doesn’t Resolve
Conflict
Parents turn to the court thinking a Judge will settle
matters and life will be peaceful thereafter. This is far
from the truth.
Court is turned into a contest of black and white to
determine, who is right/wrong; good/bad; best/worst. No
one wants to be on the losing end of that contest,
particularly when a relationship with one’s kids is at
stake.
In the run up to Court, and with an eye on winning,
parents continue to say nasty things about each other and
they may involve almost anyone who they feel can
influence the outcome in their favor. This includes
family, friends, teachers, doctors, childcare providers
and even their own children. In the pursuit of winning,
some parents will stalk, harass, enlist, bribe, manipulate
and even contrive to gather evidence to support their
position.
All the behavior in the run up to court does nothing to
resolve conflict. Indeed all those behaviors are well
known to escalate conflict and harden bad feelings.
By the time someone is pronounced a winner, there is
nothing left of the relationship to carry on the task of coparenting. To add, the loser will be filled with
resentment, seeking only to really undermine the spirit
of the Court order and gather additional evidence to one
day seek a motion to vary the Order in their favor.
The very conflict sought to be resolved is ramped up
even though there is a required solution to be followed.
How long do you think that will last?
In the meantime, the children, whose “best interests” are
supposedly the subject of dispute, are anything but
served as they live with the parental animosity, angst and
anger, fearing that one day the feelings witnessed
between the parents will one day be targeted at them if
they step out of line. Children’s behavior goes squirrely
as they contort themselves to survive the parental mess.
If you really want to sort things out in the interest of
your children, take Court out of the equation. What if
Court wasn’t an option?
With Court out of the way, parents would have to rely on
working things out between themselves. Considering
parenting issues aren’t really legal matters, but personal
and interpersonal matters, this makes sense. The
challenge is finding support to enable parents to resolve
disputes between themselves and hopefully learn how to
resolve future conflicts as they may arise.
This support is actually readily available. Accessing the
available support often hinges on your disposition to
finding a way to settle versus fight and your choice of
lawyer as some lawyers get caught up on helping you
fight the good fight versus helping you address the
personal and interpersonal issues affecting cooperative
parenting.
If you can holster your ego to truly advance the interest
of your kids over your anger towards your ex and if you
have chosen a lawyer who appreciates decisions made
between parents are best for children and therefore seeks
to avoid court parents have a good chance of settling
things between themselves. This often requires parents
to refocus. Instead of making the shortcomings of the
other all the issue, parents will need to take some
responsibility for their own contribution to distress and
learn new strategies for coping, communicating and
resolving conflict.
To the degree parents can take on the work of selfcontrol, self-evaluation as well as moderate and
cooperative behavior, mutual solutions can be generated
and accepted. Problems can be addressed and resolved.
In so doing, your children then learn how to manage
conflict respectfully – life lessons that will serve them at
every stage of life. Not only will they be spared the
parental conflict, but will be better equipped in the event
life throws them a curve ball.
We are always role models to our children. The most
significant role model of all is how we co-parent in the
midst of being challenged. Parents are encouraged to
step up over stepping out.
Need support to make this happen?
Speak with persons whose have actual expertise in
resolving conflict as opposed to ratcheting it up. They
include: social workers, psychologists, mediators and
collaborative lawyers. Always advise your intended
service provider of the issues at hand and ask about their
training and expertise.
In the end, you not only want a parenting plan, but to
resolve conflict too. Your children deserve your best
behavior.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
(905) 628-4847
gary@yoursocialworker.com
http://www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada,
consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy,
child development, parent-child relations and custody and access
matters. Gary is the host of the TV reality show, Newlywed, Nearly
Dead, parenting columnist for the Hamilton Spectator and author of
Marriage Rescue: Overcoming the ten deadly sins in failing
relationships. Gary maintains a private practice in Dundas Ontario,
providing a range of services for people in distress. He speaks at
conferences and workshops throughout North America.