This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client.
[Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying
information.
Hi [client],
My name is Morgan Crowley, and I am the associate editor assigned to edit your statement.
I graduated
summa cum laude from Yale College with a degree in American history, and I was also a member of the Phi
Beta Kappa honor society.
You should be commended for your efforts, as it is hard to write a statement that covers so much of your
academic and professional career.
The content of your essay is good, but you have significant work to
accomplish as you continue to improve your English.
Make special attention to using the correct verb tense,
as well as to look at when English authors are using prepositions and articles.
“an”, “the.)
(Articles being the words “a”,
Most of my corrections were simply fixing grammatical errors and reworking sentences so that
they would be easy for an American reader to understand.
There were a few sections where I was unsure as to
what you meant, so I edited according to what I thought you were trying to convey.
In your comments you said
that you wanted to convey your abilities and your desire to attend Baylor, and I think that both of those qualities
are well expressed in this statement.
great deal of time.
Congratulations on finishing this statement, as I am sure that it took a
Best of luck with your applications!
(And Texas is a great place.)
Yours,
Morgan Crowley
Yale College, 2006
Original Version
I sew the movie “Gattaca” several years. “Gattaca” talks about the future would. In future, we can
control gene. Every child before his/her fertilization decides everything in his/her life. Is the child
smart? Does the child have violence character? What kinds of diseases will he/she get? Even the
height, it is also can be control. The genetic progress makes a prominent person, and it progress called
new eugenics. Children of the middle and upper classes are “desinger baby.” By optimal
recombination of their parents' genetic material, that can make the ideal child. The baby fertilization
by nature that often has lots genetic diseases usually has lower class in the community, called
“in-valid”. In the future, gene determines that a person life. It sound awful, but it may be true in future.
Since that moment, I decide to study genetics in my future study. Genetics can improve people life.
We can’t control our gene now, but we can prevent diseases happened. This is the motive that makes
me want to study genetics in my future study.
I studied Food Science in my first year in the university. I had completely trained of primer
chemistry courses. In sophomore, I changed my major to Life Science. I studied lots kind of different
subjects in Life Science, such as Biochemistry, Cellular Biology and Microbial Genetics. However,
subjects that I most interested are genetics and molecular biology, especial about DNA part. In
undergraduate study, I also took lots of experiment lectures, for example, Microbiology Lab,
Principles of Gene Technology Lab and Immunology Lab.
In junior, I was an intern in the genetic laboratory of Professor Yen, Pauline in Institute of
Biomedical Science of Academia Sinica. This was my first time working in the team laboratory. We
researched the region of Y chromosome in infertile men. In the period of intern, I took a responsibility
for detected human DNA deletion in Y chromosome. The experiment results intend to be published in
Human Mutation journal, and it can find electric journal after few weeks. (topic “Partial Duplication
at AZFc on the Y Chromosome Is a Risk Factor for Impaired Spermatogenesis in Han Chinese in
Taiwan”). I also learn others experiment ability. For example, I had an experience about clone skill.
That is also useful for my future study.
As an undergraduate student, I not only focused in my academic study, but also learned leadership
ability. I was one of the sponsors of graduated party and graduated tour. To be a sponsor, I learned the
ability of communication and leadership. It is also an important skill for team working. I believe that
experience that will help me a lot in my future life.
After undergraduate school, I was hired as a full time research assistant in the Graduate Institute
of Forensic Medicine (GIFM) at Nation Taiwan University College of Medicine (NTUCM). In
Professor James Chun-I Lee’s laboratory, I participate two of his researches. One is “Human Hair
DNA, Identification and Application in Forensic Science” at Nation Science Council. The other is
“Analysis of Wildlife in Taiwan Market by DNA Identification” at Council of Agriculture. Not only
participated these researches, but also I learned others kind of DNA analysis skills, such as STR (short
tandem repeat) analysis and mitochondrial DNA study. I participated the true case of parentage testing.
I also take responsible about human blood types study that is about different blood types’ DNA
sequences. These are very useful training in genetics. I not only focus in research, but also sat in two
lectures in GIFM. Even be a research assistant, I still have strong learning desire. I like a sponge to
learn everything. I get abundant experiment experience since being the research assistant. I will try to
learn more as the research assistant.
In the future, I want to get genetics knowledge further, especial in human diseases. In Taiwan, we
don’t have genetic consultative program, so I want to study and learn professed genetics program in
future to improve my ability in genetic area and genetic consultative. Not only about consultative, but
I also want to study gene analysis and chromosome study. I want to focus at the relationship between
gene and diseases. I want to improve myself in cytogenetics analysis and testing area. I want to study
single gene diseases of human with molecular gene technology. Therefore, we can find genetic
diseases early, and give treatment. I also want to research human genetic diseases by chasing family
pedigree. It can calculate even prevent genetic diseases happened. I want to devote in genetic diseases
study in my future career. In eugenics, we can prevent some nature genetics diseases happened, such
as Down syndrome and Huntington's disease. Gene, gave from parents, is the only thing that we can’t
change from our body. We don’t have to build extreme would like the movie, but we can truly prevent
some genetic diseases happened.
Accumulating these valuable experiences, I am preparing myself for a career in genetics. Having
carefully read the content of the graduate studies and on-going research programs at Baylor University,
I believe that Baylor University is the best place for me to be. I am confident that I will prove a
successful student of your mister program. Relying on my background in and enthusiasm for this field
of study, I hope very much that you will give me the opportunity to become one of your research
students.
New Version:
The movie Gattaca paints a disturbing picture of life in the future: in the world to come,
mankind controls every aspect of the human genetic code, allowing the creation of “designer babies.”
Will the child be smart? Will he or she be susceptible to disease?
Will he be tall and strong?
Will
she be thin and beautiful? The film’s imagined genetic technology ushers in a new era of eugenics,
as middle and upper class families create “super-babies” while the lower classes’ children are
discarded as the “flawed” products of natural human reproduction. In this dystopian vision of the
future, all that matters are one’s genes, and the film’s haunting effect comes from its ability to portray
the double-edged benefits of genetic research. While genetic technology holds the potential to cure
diseases and improve lives, there are moral problems that come with such power that are not easy to
resolve.
Still, despite the potential pitfalls of genetic research, the potential to cure disease and
improve lives is a tantalizing prospect that fuels my desire to become a geneticist. Pursuing new
knowledge and technology will always be a risky endeavor, but I believe in the hopeful promise that
is offered by genetics research, and thus I am seeking to further my education in the field.
I began my university studies as a food science major, but by my second year I had switched to
the life sciences.
Over the course of my studies I took many courses that focused on biochemistry,
cellular biology, and microbial genetics. Even though the material covered in these classes
fascinated me, I always found myself returning to genetics and molecular biology, my primary
interests. Because I enjoyed the hands-on experience of running experiments, I took many lab
courses while in school, including a microbiology lab, a gene technology lab, and an immunology lab.
These experiences helped confirm for me that I would enjoy spending my career in a research
laboratory setting.
During my junior year I served as a research intern at Dr. Pauline Yen’s genetic laboratory at the
Institute of Biomedical Science of Academia Sinica. This was my first experience working in a
professional team-based laboratory, and I found it tremendously exciting. During this time I learned
many laboratory techniques that will aid me in my future research. My team researched infertile
men’s Y chromosome, and my work was focused on a DNA deletion that had been detected in the Y
chromosome.
The experiment results are scheduled to be published in the upcoming issue of Human
Mutation, under the title “Partial Duplication at AZFc on the Y Chromosome Is a Risk Factor for
Impaired Spermatogenesis in Han Chinese in Taiwan.”
After completing my undergraduate degree, I was hired as a full-time research assistant in
Professor James Chun-I Lee’s laboratory at the Graduate Institute of Forensic Medicine (GIFM) at
National Taiwan University College of Medicine (NTUCM). One of the projects that I am working on
in Professor Lee’s laboratory is a paper being prepared for the National Science Council titled
“Human Hair DNA, Identification and Application in Forensic Science.”
I am also assisting with
research for a Council of Agriculture project titled “Analysis of Wildlife in Taiwan Markets by DNA
Identification.”
In addition to these two endeavors, I am also working on a study that is attempting
to determine the DNA sequence associated with different human blood types. My work in Dr. Lee’s
laboratory has helped me learn important genetics related laboratory skills, such as STR (short tandem
repeat) analysis and mitochondrial DNA analysis.
My experience as a research assistant has also
nourished my passion for studying genetics, as it encouraged my desire to return to school in search of
further training in genetics research.
I hope to focus my future research on determining the relationship between genes and certain
crippling diseases. Though we have made great strides in this area of science, there is still much
work to be done. Taiwan lacks a genetic consultative program, so I look to Baylor to equip me with
the skills needed to be a genetic consultant. As my career and education progress, I hope to become
more adept at using molecular gene technology, and I also hope to improve my cytogenetics analysis
skills. Baylor’s program in genetics research is well suited for someone with my interests, and I am
confident that my enthusiasm for genetic research will allow me to build upon my previous
experience in the field as I pursue my graduate studies. With the skills I learn at Baylor I will be
better equipped to research the genetic cause of diseases like Down syndrome and Huntington’s
disease, and hopefully I can someday contribute to major breakthroughs that will help us prevent
these types of diseases.
Although I am aware that caution must be exercised when exploring the
potential power of genetic technology, I believe that we can alleviate human suffering without
descending into the dystopian nightmare that Gattaca envisions. I am excited about the future of
genetics research, and I hope to be a part of that promising future.
my application.
I appreciate your consideration of