Techniques to Help Us Cope
Whose problem is it?
When we feel something is going wrong in a relationship with an individual or
individuals, we must first ask if this is just our problem. There will be
individuals we don’t like, individuals who scare us or who we respect more
than others, or even those that we like a lot or feel sympathetic toward.
Similarly there will be some behaviour which particularly irritates us or that we
feel threatened by.
So, do others seem to have the same problems with this individual(s)? If not,
and if their behaviour is not breaking the codes of practice etc. then we need
to learn to deal with our own reaction. Here are a few suggestions as to how
we may be able to do this.
1. Rational – Emotive Therapy Albert Ellis
This therapy is based on the idea that inappropriate emotional reactions
(including severe stress) are the result of inappropriate beliefs that we hold
about ourselves and about our relationship to the world.
e.g. if I am holding the belief that I should be totally competent,
adequate and achieving in all possible respects if I am to consider
myself worthwhile, I am likely to become stressed if I make even a
small mistake.
Using this therapeutic technique requires that you ‘expose’ the irrational
belief and then ‘challenge’ it in an effort to replace the emotive and
irrational view with a non-emotive rational one. This therefore removes
the source of stress.
2. Transactional Analysis - Building Self Esteem: Eric Berne
The Transactional Analysis model describes 4 life positions.
I’m OK, you’re OK
I’m OK, you’re not OK
I’m not OK, you’re OK
I’m not OK, you’re not OK
In every relationship we will have a view about our own ‘worth’ or
behaviour. For example if we are happy and comfortable in the
relationship we see ourselves as ‘OK’. If we are unhappy, feel guilty, have
regrets about our behaviour then we see ourselves as ‘not OK’. Similarly
we hold a view about the other person’s ‘worth’ and behaviour again
classifying it as ‘OK’ or ‘not OK’
To maintain a good healthy relationship we need to keep ourselves in the
‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ position for as much of the time as possible. So if we
start to feel ‘not OK’ we need to do whatever is necessary to get ourselves
back to that position. This may include reminding ourselves of previous
successes, reassuring ourselves that we can and will cope and forgiving
ourselves for mistakes we make. If it is more about feeling that the other
person is ‘not OK’, we need to look for positive elements in their behaviour,
look for things to like or admire and try generally to move them to a ‘you’re
OK’ position. Remaining in an ‘I’m OK, you’re OK position allows us to
approach problems that arise in the relationship, in a calm and constructive
manner which is more likely to result in a successful resolution.
A second aspect of Transactional Analysis describes the personality as
being made up of 3 parts, the Parent, the Adult and the Child (this relates
to Freud’s concept of the super ego, the ego and the id). Communication
comes from one of these three parts and is directed toward a particular
part of the other person’s psyche.
For example if someone is critical or irritable with you they are generally
communicating from their parent mode toward your child. You may
therefore react as a good obedient child being apologetic or feeling guilty.
However they may encounter the more rebellious elements of your ‘child’
and you may react by sulking, by answering back etc. This theory, rather
like Assertiveness, suggests that you break these links and instead of
replying from your child, you react in an cool, calm ‘adult’ manner. This
generally will also ‘hook’ their adult and the resultant conversation will be
constructive and sensible rather than emotional and possibly damaging.
3. Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP)
NLP focuses on the psychology of excellent communication. Two useful
techniques include:
Metamirror:
When you have a difficult relationship with another person or when a
conflict has arisen, this technique is used to help you review and plan to
change the relationship. It involves thinking about the relationship from
your point of view – examine how you feel, what you think about the other
person, how you may react to them if they were in front of you. Then try to
place yourself in the other person’s position (this may be helped by
actually having two chairs and moving to the other chair). Think about how
they will see you, what they will be feeling, how would they react to you
etc. Thirdly, place yourself outside, as if you are an observer. How do you
see the relationship between these two people, how are they each
behaving to the other etc. Once you have explored these three positions,
return to yourself – what insights have you obtained, what will you do
differently next time you meet
Reframing:
The meaning of any event depends on the ‘frame’ in which we perceive it
so when we change the frame we change the meaning. This technique
involves looking at a difficult or stressful event and trying to reframe or
restate it in as many different but ‘positive’ ways as possible. This is useful
when you find your attitude toward a person becoming ‘stuck’. For example
rather than seeing someone as ‘difficult’ try seeing them as ‘full of integrity’,
‘able to challenge you because he/she respects your knowledge and
competence’ etc.