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Managing Conflicts in Relationships
by Rudolph F. Verderber
1.
Will your relationships grow, be strengthened, and stabilize, or will they wither and
ultimately die? The answer depends a great deal on how you manage conflict with
them. Conflict is the clash of opposing attitudes, ideas, behaviors, goals, and needs.
Although many people view conflict as bad (and, to be sure, conflict situations are
likely to make us anxious and uneasy), conflict is sometimes useful in that it forces
people to make choices and to test the relative merits of their attitudes, behaviors,
needs, and goals.
2.
Conflicts include clashes over ideas (“Charley was the first one to talk.” “No, it was
Mark” or “Your mother is a battle-ax.” “What do you mean, a ‘battle-ax’?”); over
values (“Bringing home pencils and pens from work is not stealing.” “Of course it is.”
or “The idea that you have to be married to have sex is completely outdated.” “No, it
isn’t.”); and, perhaps the most difficult to deal with, over ego involvement (“Listen, I’ve
been a football fan for thirty years, I ought to know what good defense is.” “Well, you
may be a fan, but that doesn’t make you an expert.”).
Patterns of Dealing with Conflict
3.
People engage in many behaviors to cope with or manage their conflicts. Some are
positive and some are negative. These many ways may be discussed under five
major patterns. Let’s consider each in turn.
4.
Withdrawal
One of the most common – and certainly one of the easiest – ways to
deal with conflict is to withdraw. Withdrawal is physical or psychological removal from
the situation.
5.
Physical withdrawal is, of course, easiest to identify. Dorie and Tom are in conflict
over Tom’s smoking. When Dorie says, “Tom, I thought you told me that whether you
stopped smoking completely or not, you weren’t going to smoke around the house.
Now here you are lighting up!” Tom may withdraw physically, saying, “I don’t want to
talk about it” as he goes to his basement workshop.
6.
Psychological withdrawal may be more difficult to detect but every bit as common.
Using the same example, when Dorie speaks to Tom about his smoking, Tom sits
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quietly in his chair looking at Dorie, but while she is speaking, he is thinking about the
poker game he will be going to the next evening.
7.
Both of these common withdrawal behaviors are negative. Why? Because they
neither eliminate nor attempt to manage the nature of the conflict. For instance, when
Tom withdraws physically, Dorie may follow him to the basement, where the conflict
will be resumed; if not, the conflict will undoubtedly surface later – probably in an
intensified manner – when Dorie and Tom try to cope with another issue. When Tom
ignores Dorie’s comments, Dorie may force Tom to cope with the smoking issue, or
she may go along with Tom’s ignoring her but harbor a resentment that will surface
later.
8.
There appear to be two types of situations where withdrawal may work. The first is
when the withdrawal is temporary disengagement used for the purpose of letting the
heat of the conflict cool down. When Bill and Margaret begin to argue over having
Bill’s mother for Thanksgiving dinner, Margaret feels herself get angry about what her
mother-in-law had said to her recently about the way she and Bill were raising their
daughter. Margaret says, “Hold it a minute, let me make a pot of coffee. We can both
relax a bit and then we’ll talk about this some more.” A few minutes later she returns,
temper intact and ready to approach the conflict more objectively. Margaret’s action
is not true withdrawal; it is not meant as a means of
avoiding confrontation. It
provides a cooling-off period that will probably benefit both of them. The second case
where withdrawal may work is when a conflict occurs between people who
communicate infrequently. Jack and Mark work in the same office. At two office
gatherings they have gotten into arguments about whether the company really cares
about its employees. At the next office gathering Mark avoids sitting near Jack.
Withdrawal is a negative pattern only when it is a person’s major way of managing
conflict.
9.
Surrender
Surrender means giving in immediately to avoid conflict. Some people
are so afraid of being in conflict that they will do anything to avoid it. For instance,
Jeff and Marian are discussing their vacation plans. Jeff would like just the two of
them to go somewhere together, but Marian has talked with two of their friends who
are vacationing the same week about going together. After Jeff mentions that he’d
like the two of them to go alone, Marian says, “But I think it would be fun to go with
another couple, don’t you?” Jeff replies, “OK, whatever you want.” In this example
Jeff really wants the two of them to go alone, but rather than describe his feelings or
give reason for his position, he gives in to avoid conflict.
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10.
Surrender is negative for at least two reasons: (1) Decisions should be made on
merits and not to avoid conflict. If one person gives in, there is no evaluation of the
decision – no one knows what would really be best. (2) Surrender can infuriate the
other person. When Marian tells Jeff her thoughts, she would probably like Jeff to see
her way as the best. But if Jeff surrenders, Marian will perceive Jeff not as liking her
plan but as martyring himself. His unwillingness to present his reasons could cause
even more conflict.
11.
Aggression
The use of physical or psychological coercion to get one’s way is
aggression. Through aggression people attempt to force others to accept their ideas.
Through aggression a person may “win,” but it seldom does anything positive for a
relationship. Aggression is an emotional reaction to conflict. Thought is shortcircuited, and the person lashes out physically or verbally. Aggression never deals
with the merits of the issue – only who is bigger, can talk louder, or is nastier.
12.
In each of the above patterns, conflict is escalated or obscured. In none is it
managed.
13.
Persuasion
Persuasion is the attempt to change either the attitude or the behavior
of another person. At times during a conflict one person might try to persuade the
other that a particular action is the right one. Doris and Jack are considering buying a
car. Doris says, “Don’t we need room?” Jack, her husband, might reply, “Enough to
get us into the car together, but I don’t see why we need more than that.” At this
point, Doris and Jack’s conflict comes into focus. Now Doris might say,
“Jack,
remember the other day when you were cussing out our present car because it
doesn’t have much back-seat room? We carry a lot of stuff. I do food shopping,
you’re always carrying equipment for men at the lodge, and there are lots of times
when we invite another couple to go somewhere with us.” Statements like this one
are attempts at resolving the conflict through persuasion.
14.
When persuasion is open and reasonable, it can be a positive means of resolving
conflict. But persuasion can degenerate into manipulation. Although persuasive
efforts may fuel a conflict, if that persuasion has a solid logical base, it is at least
possible that the persuasion will resolve the conflict.
15.
Discussion
Discussion is verbal problem solving. It involves weighing and
considering the pros and cons of the issues in conflict. Discussion is the most
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desirable means of dealing with conflict in a relationship; nevertheless, it is often
difficult to accomplish.
16.
Problem-solving might follow the formal method of defining the problem, analyzing
the problem, suggesting possible solutions, selecting the solution that best fits the
analysis, and working to implement the decision. For instance, if Jeff and Marian
were discussing, they might focus on the problem of how they should spend their
vacation. They would seek to identify the goals they hoped to meet. They would
suggest places to go and the possibilities of going there with or without others. They
would consider how each possibility would meet their goals. Then they would select
the place and whether to go with their friends.
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