Former Stanford dean
explains why
helicopter parenting is
ruining a generation
of children
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By Emma Brown October 16 Follow @emmersbrown
Four parenting tips from a former Stanford dean
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Four parenting tips from a former Stanford dean
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Julie Lythcott-Haims offers parenting tips from her book, "How to
Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare
Your Kid for Success." (Mike Johnson)
Julie Lythcott-Haims noticed a disturbing trend
during her decade as a dean of freshmen at Stanford
University. Incoming students were brilliant and
accomplished and virtually flawless, on paper. But
with each year, more of them seemed incapable of
taking care of themselves.
At the same time, parents were becoming more and
more involved in their children’s lives. They talked to
their children multiple times a day and swooped in to
personally intervene whenever something difficult
happened.
[How helicopter parents are ruining college
students.]
From her former position at one of the world’s most
prestigious schools, -Lythcott-Haims came to believe
that mothers and fathers in affluent communities
have been hobbling their children by trying so hard to
make sure they succeed and by working so diligently
to protect them from disappointment, failure and
hardship.
[Another viewpoint: Why those annoying “helicopter
parents" aren’t so bad after all.]
Such “overhelping” might assist children in
developing impressive résumés for college admission,
but it also robs them of the chance to learn who they
are, what they love and how to navigate the world,
Lythcott-Haims argues in her book, “How to Raise an
Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and
Prepare Your Kid for Success.”
“We want so badly to help them by shepherding them
from milestone to milestone and by shielding them
from failure and pain. But overhelping causes harm,”
she writes. “It can leave young adults without the
strengths of skill, will and character that are needed to
know themselves and to craft a life.”
Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of
the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success.” (Kristina
Vetter)
Lythcott-Haims is one of a growing number of writers
— including Jessica Lahey (“The Gift of Failure”) and
Jennifer Senior (“All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of
Modern Parenthood”) — who are urging stressed-out
“helicopter” parents to breathe and loosen their grip
on their children.
“Don’t call me a parenting expert,” Lythcott-Haims
said in an interview. “I’m interested in humans’
thriving, and it turns out that overparenting is getting
in the way of that.”
She cites reams of statistics on the rise of depression
and other mental and emotional health problems
among the nation’s young people. She has seen the
effects up close: -Lythcott-Haims lives in Palo Alto,
Calif., a community that, following a string of suicides
in the past year, has undertaken a period of soulsearching about what parents can do to stem the
pressure that young people face.
Her book tour is taking her to more school
auditoriums and parent groups than bookstores. She
tells stories about overinvolved mothers and fathers
and shares statistics about rising depression and other
mental health problems in young people, which she
hopes will spark change in communities across the
country where helicopter parents are making
themselves, and their children, miserable.
“Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of a job,”
she said. “We need to know that our children have the
wherewithal to get up in the morning and take care of
themselves.”
So are you a helicopter parent? Here are some of
Lythcott-Haims’s tests:
1.
Check your language. “If you say ‘we’ when
you mean your son or your daughter — as in,
‘We’re on the travel soccer team’ — it’s a hint to
yourself that you are intertwined in a way that is
unhealthy,” Lythcott-Haims said.
2.
Examine your interactions with adults in
your child’s life. “If you’re arguing with
teachers and principals and coaches and umpires
all the time, it’s a sign you’re a little too invested,”
she said. “When we’re doing all the arguing, we
are not teaching our kids to advocate for
themselves.”
3.
Stop doing their homework. Enough said.
And how can parents help their children become selfsufficient? Teach them the skills they’ll need in real
life and give them enough leash to practice those skills
on their own, Lythcott-Haims said. And have them do
chores. “Chores build a sense of accountability. They
build life skills and a work ethic,” she said.
[I tried to help my kids have a great school year by
helping less.]
Lythcott-Haims said many parents ask how they can
unilaterally deescalate in what feels like a collegeadmissions arms race. How can they relax about
getting their child into Harvard if every other parent
is going full speed ahead?
She said colleges could help tamp down on the
admissions craze by going test-optional, leaving it up
to students whether to submit SAT or ACT scores.
And perhaps top-tier schools could agree to limit the
number of such schools that each student may apply
to, she said.
[Bombed the SAT or the ACT? Here are colleges that
are ‘test-optional.’]
She urges families to think more broadly about what
makes for a “good” college. Excellent educational
experiences can be had at schools that are not among
U.S. News and World Report’s top 20, she said, and
several schools will accept students who don’t have a
perfect résumé.
Parents need to see that even children who succeed in
doing the impossible — getting into Stanford, Harvard
or other elite schools — bear the scars of the
admissions arms race.
“They’re breathless,” Lythcott-Haims said. “They’re
brittle. They’re old before their time.”
Emma Brown writes about national education and about people
with a stake in schools, including teachers, parents and kids.
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Delong
6:27 AM GMT+0100
Yet colleges want to helicopter parent even the sex lives of their adult
students. Why is there even a "Dean of Freshman"? They are adults and
should be on their own.
LikeReplyShare
2
bkbing2
4:26 AM GMT+0100
A few years ago I contacted my high school French teacher. She had
urged me to apply for the summer foreign exchange student program in
my junior year. I did and was accepted. It changed my life.
Even though I was an average student, she encouraged me and helped
me. After more than fifty years we met again and I told her how much
her help and encouragement had meant to me and what I had made of
my life after graduation and departure from Albuquerque. My wife and
I flew to ABQ to participate in a ceremony honoring her for her
decades of teaching and counseling students, especially Native
Americans and economically/socially disadvantaged students.
At a gathering at her home she told us that while she continued to
counsel high school students preparing for college, she was
increasingly disheartened by the unrealistic expectations of many of
them. Over 80, she has long worked with students to submit college
applications. She said so many of them want instant results from
modest efforts when applying for college. Many are not prepared to
take the SAT. When she tells them what they must do to prepare for
college, some of them are often indignant that she would question their
readiness to tackle college level courses. She has stayed with the times
and knows what today's students face in high school and in entering
college. She told us that she concentrates on the few who are willing to
make the effort in preparing for the SAT and in submitting college
applications with well-written essays. She explains to those who expect
the process to be easy and are trapped in the imagination of their own
hearts that their unrealistic expectations will not get them into college.
When I was in her French class I learned that a certain amount of
humility and willingness to accept criticism for my poor performance
were meant to help me become a better student. I did not complain to
my parents about her critique of my work and the demands she placed
upon me to do better.
LikeReplyShare
4
Maryann Stensrude
2:32 AM GMT+0100
What an excellent article! If it's not too late, I hope many parents will
read it and start cooling their jets! I raised my daughters in the late '60s
and '70s. I don't think I hovered, mostly because I worked full time.
Then, I looked back at my own childhood and recalled that NO ONE
helped me with my homework or even questioned me much. In
hindsight, I felt that my parents just didn't care. Now, I realize they
were doing the right thing afterall. They just assumed I would know
what to do (ha ha). I remember when I was still in grade school, I asked
my mom to show me how to cook. She couldn't seem to wrap her head
around that one. She said, "You just WATCH and you'll learn". Here's
hoping the next generation will get it right! We all have to learn to LET
GO!
LikeReplyShare
4
OmartheLittle
1:31 AM GMT+0100
"Our job as a parent is to put ourselves out of a job,” she said.
Exactly. If some of these parents didn't helicopter, they'd be at Target
squeezing the fruit. Your kids are not a hobby! Take up sailing or some
such.
LikeReplyShare
5
F4nning
1:27 AM GMT+0100
Umm, hello, the kids with the helicopter parents are the ones that got
into stanford in the first place.
LikeReplyShare
2
A_Cappella
4:09 AM GMT+0100
And ones that weren't helicoptered got in to Stanford as well, and they
are the ones that thrived and succeeded.
LikeReply
1
Maya Doyle
1:11 AM GMT+0100
The second half of the former dean's book title suggests to me that she
still doesn 't really get it. Prepare kids for life, not "success". Success is
both fleeting and subjective. Life happens to all of us. Until it doesn't.
LikeReplyShare
Gardener1969
10/19/2015 10:25 PM GMT+0100
The focus on "dream" schools and the ivies creates increased pressure
and stress for both students and their families. Plenty of people make
great successes in life attending their in-state public universities. The
focus of many (not all) on status rather than true learning and success
works to the detriment of the students.
LikeReplyShare
stuckonyou
1:17 AM GMT+0100
It's all relative...some kids are struggling to get into ivies, others are
struggling to get into state schools. Good state schools aren't
guaranteed admission for all kids. University of Maryland for example
accepts less than half of all applicants.
LikeReply
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