Personal Accounts of Psychosis: for parents
“
Mine is a good news story. Good news, because there has been in the past too much pessimism
and bad news about the illness of schizophrenia.
Let me first give you a bird's eye view of the severity of my illness. After finishing Grade 10, I began to have
difficulty concentrating, and went from an A student to a barely passing student. I began to have a relentless
buzzing in my ears, day and night, soon to be replaced by voices of angels. I vividly remember my first
psychotic episode: the skies opening right above me and Satan sitting beside me laughing at me. Faces of
people were all distorted. They appeared like apes. They too were talking about me, without moving their
lips, and laughing at me. I was in a state of total terror. Later, a peculiar surge of power came into my body
like lightening. I began to feel powerful. I thought I was the Messiah sent to save the world. But I was
confused as to how to go about it.
My family found it hard to communicate with me because my talking made no sense. I could not follow a
conversation. There was no way of reaching me.
I went through a variety of medications. Although they reduced the severity of my symptoms, they
immobilized me with side effects. I was a walking Zombie. Walking was stiff—I'm told my face was
expressionless and I drooled. Wouldn't that scare anyone?
I had ten hospital admissions over five and a half years. Life was empty; there was no enjoyment. I was
spending much of the time in bed, unable to take part in any household activities, doing nothing much
beyond eating and sleeping. All the friends I had at school were not to be heard from again. I was afraid of
being called crazy or a nut. I didn't know what to tell anyone about my illness, how to explain what was
happening to me. I was slipping, and losing all hope, and wanted to end it all-and I made suicide attempts.
I'm sure you get the picture! My recovery didn't begin until I was stabilized on an atypical antipsychotic,
clozapine, along with antidepressants. Once stable and free from any positive and negative symptoms of
schizophrenia, I was developing enough insight to move on with my life.
As my thinking and concentration improved, I could read again, and carry on an intelligent conversation. I
began to work hard on improving myself…My first step was to catch up with my formal education because I
had lost 6 years of education… I enrolled in the Redirection through Education program. It felt great to be
back in the mainstream. There was no intimidation, there was no stigmatisation. I then took a Health Care
Aid course. Studying was really hard, I had to spend hours in learning. Things didn't come easy… I
remember telling my parents when I was preparing for my exams that I was never going to do another
course. But passing that course, with honours too, was very rewarding and gave me more confidence in my
mental capabilities.
In January last year I was hired to work with the Assertive Community Treatment Team (ACT) of as a Peer
Support Counsellor. Engagement is the first crucial phase of ACT care and critical to the final outcome. As
Peer Support Counsellor, I consider this to be one of my main roles-to facilitate engagement of the client. I
have been there. I know what it's like to have schizophrenia. I find that the comfort and trust level of clients is
high, and they are more willing to talk to me. What is amazing is that often I may not have even disclosed
about my illness yet, but a client knows that I have schizophrenia.
So my recovery and employment are a balancing act. I have to pay attention to my health. I realize that I
have to take my meds for the rest of my life to correct that chemical imbalance in my brain. No different than
a diabetic needing insulin, who has to take it for the rest of his life. I have to take charge of my illness, and
that is what I impart to my clients…I continue to need at least 9 hours of sleep. I can only participate in
limited amounts of social activities, and I have learned to say so… The scope of the job is exciting. No two
situations, no two clients are alike. That is what is most challenging. There is ongoing learning which is
mostly experiential, hence a place for personal growth. I also want to stress the fact that my illness, my
recovery from it, and my employment are very much intertwined.
http://www.world-schizophrenia.org/stories/goodnews.html
”
“
My name is Mike. I have actually suffered from psychosis in the past due to severe
depression. I had always been incredibly shy, from a very young age, and with the onset
of puberty came the onset of depression. In grade eight my thought patterns began to
change and I became constantly more anti-social and withdrawn. These negative
thoughts began to gradually increase as I got older and by the time I was in high school I
was almost unable to communicate with others. I began to experience very paranoid
thoughts and believed that I was being constantly and harshly judged by everyone around
me. I was constantly skipping class because it was just too hard to face anyone socially. I
began to sleep less and less and all of my days seemed to blur together. As well, I
developed an intense sense of discomfort from physical contact.
After high school was finished I began to feel better for a while but constantly had major periods
where I was incredibly down and, again, very withdrawn. Pretty much the only thing in my life that
seemed constant and gave me any enjoyment was playing music. When I was twenty-three I
joined a successful metal band called the Devin Townsend Band and proceeded to tour Europe.
The experience was immensely stressful and led to another period of depression and paranoia. In
actuality, the entire time that I was experiencing these symptoms, I really had no concept that there
was anything wrong with the way I was feeling. It took a close friend to tell me that there was
actually something amiss. I was incredibly hurt and vehemently denied that my experiences were
anything but ‘normal’. After thinking very long and hard on what my friend had said to me, I realized
that I had been experiencing negativity, paranoia and withdrawn behaviors for so long that I just
believed them to be normal.
When I returned from Europe I immediately sought help from my family doctor. With his help and
advice I started taking medication, going to therapy and running. Through two years of medication
and a year of therapy I learned how to find perspective in my life and how to combat the negative
thoughts and ideas in my mind. Since that time there have been many struggles and it has been a
constant climb but I feel that I won’t ever have to be in that downward spiral again.
http://www.reachoutpsychosis.com/resources/stories/index.html
”