Dating Violence 101
Dating violence happens everywhere. But many people are afraid to talk about
it. Here’s what you need to know about this common—and commonly
ignored—problem.
How Big is the Problem?
Who Does It Happen To?
What are Some Examples of Abusive Behavior?
What Happens in an Abusive Relationship?
Why Do People Allow it to Happen and Why Do They Stay?
Why Do Batterers Batter?
What are the Warning Signs of a Potentially Dangerous Relationship
What are Healthy Relationships?
What If You Are Worried About a Friend?
How Can You Help a Victim?
How Can You Help Yourself?
How Big is the Problem?
One study found that 19% of 9th-12th grade girls reported being physically
and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Another study reported dating
violence as early as 8th grade.
One out of five college students have reported at least one incidence of abuse in
their dating relationships, varying from slapping and hitting to more lifethreatening violence.
59% of college students surveyed at campuses across the US reported personally
knowing friends, relatives, or someone else close to them affected by domestic
violence.
60% of the time, drug or alcohol use is involved in a dating violence situation.
In 72-77% of the cases, violence occurs only after a couple has become seriously
involved, rather than in the early, more casual stages of dating.
Who Does It Happen To?

Anyone can be a victim

Dating violence occurs in all ethnic groups, all social classes and heterosexual
and same sex relationships at equally high rates

According to FBI crime statistics, 95% of reported victims are female-however
male victims are probably less likely to report due to shame involved in being
hit-it is shameful enough to be a victim of partner violence as a woman, and
because of cultural stereotypes, it may be even more so for a man.

While 66% of female abusers hit their partners, male abusers are much more
likely to injure their victims

Victims and abusers both tend to have low self-esteem—the only risk factor
they both share is exposure to violence between parents

The best predictor of being involved in partner violence is previous
violence—children who experience multiple acts of violence or more than one
kind of violence are at a greater risk of continuing the cycle of violence
What Are Some Examples of Abusive Behavior?
Physical Abuse - pushes or shoves you, slaps or hits you, pulls your hair, kicks or
punches you, restrains you with force, chokes you, throws objects at you,
abandons you in a dangerous place, grabs you roughly, twists your arm, takes
"playful wrestling" too far, pinches you, subjects you to reckless driving,
threatens you with weapons.
Emotional Abuse - Ignores your feelings, withholds approval, appreciation or
affection as punishment, continually criticizes you (calls you names, shouts at
you), makes all decisions for you, wants to control all your actions, humiliates
you in public or in private, ridicules your most valued beliefs, your religion, your
culture, your race/heritage.
Sexual Abuse - Calls you sexual names, forces you to take off your clothing,
touches you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, forces you to have sex
against your will, treats members of your gender as objects, insists you dress
more or less sexually than you want to, minimizes the importance of your
feelings about sex, accuses you of sexual activity with others.
What Happens in an Abusive Relationship?
The "Cycle of Violence" is a way of looking at what happens in violent
relationships; not all violent relationships work this way, but many of them do.
Tension Building: This is where the stress is building toward an explosion. Victims
often describe it a s a "walking on eggshells" feeling--you know something is
going to "blow" but you don't know when or why. Often victims
will try to do something to keep the situation from blowing up, thinking that if
they could "just get it right" the violence would not occur.
Explosion: Where an incident of violence happens. Unfortunately, this is usually
the thing we tend to focus on when we are not aware that partner violence can be
a cycle, and so sometimes we say things like "Well, what did you do to set that
person off," or "I know what a pain in the butt you can be, you must have really
ticked him/her off"—not realizing that the violence is not in isolation—and not
recognizing there is nothing the victim can do to keep the violence from
occurring! The thing is, there is nothing the abused person did to cause this, and
nothing they can do to prevent it.
Honeymoon: This is what sometimes happens after the violence occurs. What are
some of the things you might hear an abusive person say at this point? They may
say things like:
"I'm sorry"
"It will never happen again"
"I wasn't myself"
"I was drunk"
"I got out of control, I couldn't help myself"
"I'll get help"
"I won't drink so much anymore"
"I just had such a bad day"
"I love you, and I didn't mean for this to happen"
Realize that the honeymoon stage is what really locks a person in to the cycle
because we want to believe that this person who is sorry is the person we love,
and this is the "real" person, and if we could just get it right, he or she would be
like this all the time. But you can't get it right because it is not your fault, it is the
fault of the abuser and without professional help, the cycle will start over again.
Also, understand that the cycle of violence tends to increase in frequency and
severity over time—so it doesn't just get better by itself! In fact, it will probably
get worse.
Why Do People Allow it to Happen and Why Do They Stay?

Many people confuse control and jealousy for love: "He/she loves me so
much he/she won't let me out of his/her sight."

Often peer pressure is involved—pressure to conform to a norm that says you
are nobody unless you are in a dating relationship.

The person believes the abuser and feels responsible for the abuse. They
believe that if they could just "get it right" the abuse would not happen
anymore.

Fear—especially if the partner has threatened to kill the victim or to kill
himself or herself. (The fear is real—in cases where death occurs in these
relationships, 75% of the time it is when the person is leaving or has left the
other person!)

They love the "good" side of the batterer and truly believe "that person" loves
them. Remember, violence is only part of the relationship, not all of it.

Shame (especially with regard to physical and sexual abuse in the
relationship)

Telling parents may put newly acquired independence at risk
Why Do Batterers Batter?

It happened in their home growing up—research indicates that male batterers
in particular probably saw their male parent batter.

The batterer was a victim of violence as a child

A need for control—it is not an anger issue. Batterers have a need for control,
and they use violence to control the situation and get what they want. What
this actually means is that batterers need the victim—more than the victims
need them. Without a victim, they do not have that much-needed sense of
control.

Batterers batter because they can. We allow batterers to get away with it
when we don't confront them, when we don't report it, and when we allow a
culture that allows battering.
What Are Warning Signs of a Potentially Dangerous Relationship?

Extreme jealousy - Everyone gets jealous sometimes, the key word here is
"extreme." If your partner gets mad when you talk to other people, have good
friends, or express warm feelings for anyone else, he/she may be abusive.

Possessiveness - It is not love to call you all the time. It may seem like a lot of
great attention at first, but it can turn in to "checking up on you." If you have
to "check in" with your partner at certain times, that could be a "red flag". A
danger if someone treats you as if they own your body and/or your time.

Controlling attitude - No one should be telling you how to wear your hair,
your makeup, your clothes, who you can and cannot talk to, etc. If one
partner completely rules the relationship, and makes all the decisions, this is a
danger sign.

Feeling fear - If you are starting to be afraid to tell your partner things for fear
of how he/she will react, or if you ask your friends not to tell your partner
things because you are concerned about them "taking it wrong," be aware.

Strict gender roles - No one should demean your gender, or use language that
indicates they think women are less than men, or vice versa. It may seem like
"old fashioned" or "gentlemanly" behavior, but it is something to watch for.

Low self-esteem - In a dating relationship, a person with low self-esteem may
say, "I'm nothing without you," or "You are my world." They may also
threaten to hurt themselves if the partner ever leaves them. Remember, that
is also abusive behavior!

Blaming and being overly sensitive - You may notice the person blames other
people for their problems (grades, work, friends, parents) even when it is
obviously something they did to themselves. They may become easily
angered or easily misinterpret what other people say to them always "taking
things the wrong way."

Unpredictable mood swings - You notice dramatic shifts from being jealous,
controlling, or angry to being sweet, charming, and loving.

Alcohol and drug use - Intoxication is often used as an excuse for violent
behavior. Alcohol and drugs DO NOT create violence; they only lower
existing violent inhibitions.

Explosive anger - Watch out for people who seem to get "too angry". These
people may hit walls, yell loudly, call names, or actually threaten others with
violence. They may also get really angry when driving, or may talk about
being mean to animals or children.

Too much, too soon - Too many phone calls, telling you "I can't live without
you" very quickly, talking about a commitment and future plans after a very
short time, wanting to be "exclusive" too soon and wanting to spend
inordinate amounts of time with you.
What Are Healthy Relationships?
In healthy relationships, people:






Compromise and resolve conflict together for a win-win situation, not a winlose one
Provide safe places for others to "be themselves"
Value each others opinions, and appreciate each other's difference
Allow their partners to have other interests and friends and goals apart from
the relationship
Are honest and honestly sorry
Have a healthy respect for one another-sexually, emotionally, and
intellectually.
If you don't have these things in your current relationship, you deserve to have
them! We all do!
What If You Are Worried About a Friend?
If you think a friend might be a VICTIM in an unhealthy relationship, these are
things to look for:








bruises
changes in behavior
increased isolation
changes in attending activities like school and other organizations
difficulty making decisions
appearance of being "down"
appearance of being "afraid" of partner
asking you not to mention certain things to the partner
If you think a friend might be an ABUSER in an unhealthy relationship or if a
person tells you he/she has been behaving in any of the abusive ways outlined
above:



Let him/her know this is not healthy behavior and that it is wrong.
Encourage the person to seek help—professional help! Remember, this does
not get better by itself! The victim may leave the batterer, but if the batterer
does not get help, he/she will just go on to batter another person.
Do not "feed into" discussions that demean members of the opposite sex or
treat them as objects.
How Can You Help a Victim?

Break the silence—express concern for the person. Offer to listen and be
supportive; let the person know they are not alone and you are there for them

Be patient - most people leave several times before they are able to separate
permanently.

Help your friend to know these situations generally do not get better by
themselves, and in fact, the cycle of violence usually becomes accelerated and
more dangerous over time. Batterers need professional help!

Educate yourself about the resources available in the community and offer to
accompany your friend to places they can get professional help. DO NOT
ATTEMPT TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION YOURSELF!

Victims may need to develop a safety plan and each plan needs to be
personalized—with professional assistance!

DO NOT ask the victim what he/she did to provoke the batterer. There is no
such thing-it is a control issue, and the victim cannot "make" the violence
stop.
How Can You Help Yourself?
If you think you might be a victim, you are too valuable not to get help. If you
think you might be an abuser, you are also too valuable not to get help. Things
CAN change and no one deserves to be hurt!
You can start by calling your local domestic violence shelter or the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE!