CHAPTER 10
What Are the Challenges in Developing an Intercultural-Intimate Relationship?
CHAPTER 10 OBJECTIVES AND OUTLINE
Chapter 10 Objectives:
As a result of reading Chapter 10 and participating in related class discussions and activities, you
should be able to:
(1) Identify the invisible challenges in intercultural-intimate relationships;
(2) Appreciate the factors that promote intercultural-intimate attraction;
(3) Understand the important role of self-disclosure in intercultural-intimate relationship
development;
(4) Explore cross-cultural online affection expression and online dating development;
(5) Anticipate potential obstacles and delightful rewards in developing an intercultural-intimate
relationship;
(6) Use a diverse range of relationship management strategies to deal with racism and prejudice
issues in the intercultural/interracial relationship; and
(7) Appreciate the identity struggles of bicultural/biracial children and be able to offer
suggestions or implement tips in raising bicultural-biracial children.
Chapter 10 Outline:
Introduction section:
1. Intimacy: includes affection, inclusion, trust, depth (NOTE: This is a brief
description; see the textbook for full definitions.)
2. Intimate relationships: romantic, close family, deep friend relationships
I. Developing Intercultural-Intimate Relationships: Invisible Challenges
A. Cultural-Ethnic Membership Values
1. Individualists: “I” identity, personal privacy and relationship privacy
2. Collectivists: “we” identity, family and ingroup network connection
3. All endorse as top mate-selection criteria: mutual attraction-love, dependability,
emotional stability, kindness-understanding.
B. Different Expectations and Expressions
1. Individualistic cultures:
a. Most individuals typically “fall in love” first, then marry
b. High U.S. divorce rate due in part to exaggerated individualism
c. In the United States, partners desire to “lose” themselves in romance,
then struggle with desire for personal freedom
2. Many traditional collectivists: the meaning of being in love develops over longterm commitment; continue to fall in love after marriage
C. Autonomy-Connection Issues
1. Autonomy: need for privacy and personal space in a relationship
2. Connection: need for relatedness and fluid merging of personal space
3. Independent-self intimate partners: balance this theme as “me-we”
4. Interdependent-self individuals: views “me-we-they-they” juggling act
5. Personal commitment: continue relationship based on emotional feelings and
experiences
6. Structural commitment: consider external social and family reactions to
continuing or ending relationship
7. “Hook up” culture: consensual sexual activity, no commitment
D. Communication Decoding Issues: For two cultural strangers:
1. Be at least proficient in shared language and everyday slang and idioms
2. Native language speaker must develop cultural sensitivity, knowledge
3. Individualists: low-context in initiating, maintaining, ending relationships
4. Collectivists: indirect approach, sacrifice, attending to other’s needs, desires
II. Intercultural-Intimate Relationship Attraction: Facilitating Factors
A. Perceived Physical Attractiveness
1. Physical attractiveness: critical to initial attraction
2. Impression formation and interpersonal attraction are interdependent
3. Perceived attractiveness (credibility and attractiveness are judged by the
beholder and the culture)
B. Perceived Similarity
1. Perceived similarity: degree to which one thinks others are similar or
dissimilar to oneself
2. Intergroup-interpersonal attraction: perceived cultural-racial similarity
3. Similarity-attraction hypothesis: positive relationship exists between
perceived similarity and interpersonal attraction (more similarity, then
more attraction)
C. Cross-Cultural Self-Disclosure Comparisons
1. Self-disclosure: intentionally reveal exclusive information about self
2. Social penetration theory: self-disclosure progresses from superficial to deep
3. Involves breadth (topic number) and depth (emotional vulnerability)
4. Public self: facets easily shared. Private self: facets not usually shared.
a. Japanese: small public and large private selves.
b. U.S. Americans: larger public and smaller private selves.
5. Johari Window: 4 panels
a. Open: known to self and to generalized or specific other
b. Hidden: hidden from others
c. Blind: not known to self
d. Unknown: unknown to self, others
6. Self-disclosure increases intimacy, which prompts more self-disclosure
D. Online Disclosure of Affection: Using Facebook:
1. U.S. students accumulate large social networks
2. Korean students have smaller number, deeper social connections
E. Third-Party Matchmakers: Online and Mobile Dating
5 phases: attention, recognition, interaction, face-to-face meeting, resolution
F. Intercultural/Interracial Romantic Relationship Development
1. Interracial couples’ four stages of “racial” awareness and awakening:
a. Racial awareness: gradual awareness of other’s/society’s views
b. Coping: struggles and strategies to gain approval from others
c. Identity emergence: announce relationship to ingroups, family
d. Relationship maintenance: hard work in facing challenges
2. Rewards: personal enrichment, lifestyle with greater diversity and emotional
vitality, raising open-minded resourceful children
3. Other factors:
a. The later the generation in the United States, the more likely outgroup
dating
b. Assimilated, bicultural, marginal identities: outgroup dating tendency
c. The “Romeo and Juliet” effect: family resistance increases liking
III. Intercultural-Intimate Conflict: Major Obstacles
A. The Encounter: Prejudice and Racism
1. Intercultural-intimate conflict: disagreement between two romantic partners
due, in part, to cultural or ethnic group membership differences
2. Interracial couples display obvious visible differences compared to interethnic
or interfaith couples, who can choose to reveal or not
3. Racism: power/dominance of a “superior” racial group over “inferiors”
4. Family members’ reactions vary, from ostracism to acceptance
B. Countering racism and prejudice: coping strategies include ignoring, normalizing,
withdrawing, educating, confrontation, prayer, and humor
C. Relational Transgressions and Terminations: if online infidelity is discovered:
1. U.S. students prefer angry exit. Chinese students prefer loyalty, passive neglect,
and third-party help.
2. Interracial couples: higher divorce rate than same-race
3. White females encounter more racism with black husbands
Iv. Raising Secure Bicultural Children
A. Bicultural Identity Struggles: four identity forms of bicultural children:
1. Majority-group identifiers: identify with parent from dominant culture
2. Minority-group identifiers: identify with minority parent
3. Synthesizers: acknowledge and synthesize both influences
4. Dissaffiliates: identify with neither parent’s cultural background
B. Cultivating a Secure Multifaceted Identity
1. To help bicultural individuals: know values and beliefs and have positive
attitudes toward both groups
2. Practical guidelines include: work out family identity plan, listen to children’s
experiences, be truthful about prejudice, racism, etc.
V. Intercultural Reality Check: Do-Ables
To manage diverse intimate relationship issues:
A. Attend to culture-based challenges
B. Be mindful of different expectations regarding communication
C. Be sensitive to family issues, individualistic-collectivistic value gaps
D. Commit to deep friendship with partner as cushion for stressors
E. Accept partner’s core personality
F. Learn code-switching with partner
G. Be responsive to emotional tasks in relationship
H. Give emotionally supportive messages
I. Think positively about relationship, and its memories
CHAPTER 10 CHECK-UP
Check out the following cultural literacy and self-assessment questions:
Self-Assessment Quiz: How do you express affection for your close friends on Facebook?
Think of one or two ways and then check out the top three ways:
POP-UP ANSWER:
1. Send them a wink ;)
2. Post pictures with one another
3. Add love applications
To see the rest of the top five, check out Hit-or-Miss 10.1 in the text on page 217.
Jeopardy Quiz: Can you name the top Internet dating site?
a. Eharmony.com
b. Match.com
c. Perfectmatch.com
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. Match.com (twenty-nine million subscribers) To see the rest of the top five Internet
dating sites, check out Jeopardy Box 10.2 in the text on page 217.
CHAPTER 10 GLOSSARY-MATCHING QUIZ
Match the following five terms with their respective definitions:
a. Majority-group identifiers
b. Intercultural-intimate conflict
c. Synthesizers
d. Structural commitment
e. Intimate relationship
___ 1. A very personal or private relationship marked by warmth and familiarity.
___ 2. Antagonistic friction or disagreement between two romantic partners due, in part, to
cultural or ethnic group membership differences.
___ 3. Biracial children who identify with the parent from the dominant culture or religion, who
may or may not publicly acknowledge the identity of their other parent.
___ 4. Taking into consideration external social and family reactions in deciding to either
continue or terminate an intercultural-intimate relationship.
___ 5. Biracial children who acknowledge the influence of both aspects of their parents’
backgrounds and synchronize the diverse aspects of their parents’ values into a coherent
identity.
POP-UP ANSWER:
1. e
2. b
3. a
4. d
5. c
Match the following five terms with their respective definitions:
a. Coping
b. Disaffiliates
c. Minority-group identifiers
d. Racial awareness
e. Relationship maintenance
___ 1. Biracial children who identify with neither parent’s cultural background.
___ 2. Stage at which members of an interracial couple gradually become aware of each other’s
and society’s views on interracial relationships.
___ 3. Biracial children who identify with the minority parent.
___ 4. Stage at which an interracial couple faces struggles in gaining approval from their families
and friends and the strategies they come up with in dealing with such external pressures.
___ 5. Stage in which an interracial couple has continuous hard work in dealing with new
challenges such as having children, moving, and meeting new social circles.
POP-UP ANSWER:
1. b
2. d
3. c
4. a
5. e
CHAPTER 10 REVIEW QUIZ
Multiple Choice: Select and click the BEST ANSWER from the choices available.
1. Joanna is an individualist, and so she considers whether to continue her relationship with a
romantic partner based on subjective emotional feelings and experiences. This reflects what
kind of commitment?
a. Emotional commitment
b. Voluntary commitment
c. Personal commitment
d. Structural commitment
POP-UP ANSWER:
c. Personal commitment (p. 209)
2. The similarity-attraction hypothesis states that if the amount of perceived similarity between
potential romantic partners increases, their interpersonal attraction will ___________.
a. be called into question
b. increase
c. decrease
d. not be affected
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. increase
3. As a collectivist, Jafaar’s relationship orientation is most likely to include which of the
following?
a. I-identity relationship expectations
b. Ingroup relationship pressures
c. An emphasis on personal privacy issues
d. Low-context direct messages
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. Ingroup relationship pressures (p. 207)
4. A biracial individual who synchronizes the values, beliefs, and customs from both parents is
practicing what form of identity?
a. Majority-group identifier
b. Minority-group identifier
c. Synthesizer
d. Disaffiliate
POP-UP ANSWER:
c. Synthesizer (p. 225)
5. Jael and Joachim are in an interracial dating relationship and have just become “awakened” to
the fact that their family and friends are uncomfortable with interracial dating. In which stage
of interracial-intimate relationship development is this couple?
a. Racial awareness
b. Coping
c. Identity emergence
d. Relationship maintenance
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. Racial awareness (p. 218)
6. Jordan lives in the United States and has a white father and a Filipino mother. She identifies
with her mother’s heritage and minimizes her father’s heritage. Which identity form is Sonya
practicing?
a. Majority-group identifier
b. Minority-group identifier
c. Synthesizer
d. Disaffiliate
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. Minority-group identifier (pp. 224-225)
7. Jamir has a European American mother and an Arab American father. He claims that neither
U.S. culture nor Arabic culture has an influence on him, and he resists identifying himself as
a member of either racial or cultural group. Jamir is practicing which identify form?
a. Majority-group identifier
b. Minority-group identifier
c. Synthesizer
d. Disaffiliate
POP-UP ANSWER:
d. Disaffiliate (p. 225)
8. Although Jon enjoys dating an outgroup member, he is considering breaking off the
relationship because his family would disapprove. To which kind of commitment does this
relate?
a. Autonomy
b. Personal
c. Connection
d. Structural
POP-UP ANSWER:
d. Structural (p. 209)
9. A hallmark of intimacy is ______________ self-disclosure, which is an individual’s
willingness to reveal exclusive private information to a significant other.
a. high-breadth
b. deep-layered
c. autonomous
d. voluntary
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. deep-layered (p. 213)
10. ______________ means creating a favorable assessment by others so that others can either
be attracted to them or at least find them credible.
a. Interpersonal attraction
b. Voluntary commitment
c. Structural commitment
d. Impression formation
POP-UP ANSWER:
d. Impression formation (p. 211)
True/False: In order to identify the best answer, consider whether each statement is true (i.e.,
accurate) or false (i.e., inaccurate). Click either “a” for “True” or “b” for “False.”
1. The “blind” panel in the Johari Window includes information about myself that I don’t know
and that others do know about me.
a. True
b. False
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. True (p. 215). You may be “blind”—or unaware that you have—an annoying
mannerism that others observe, and wish you didn’t do! 
2. Individuals who view their ethnic identities and traditions as very important aspects of their
self-concept are more likely to date and/or marry out of their own groups.
a. True
b. False
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. False (p. 219)
3. Individualists are more likely to use a low-context verbal approach in initiating, maintaining,
and ending a close relationship.
a. True
b. False
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. True (p. 210)
4. The “Romeo and Juliet effect” occurs when families become overenthusiastic and romanticize
an interracial couple’s relationship.
a. True
b. False
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. False (p. 219)
5. An interracial couple whose coping strategy involves “normalizing” tries to withdraw as a
normal way to respond to racist insults.
a. True
b. False
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. False (p. 222). “Normalizing” means that they appeal to others to accept them as a
“normal” couple.
CHAPTER 10 INTERCULTURAL WEB SURFING
Check out the following Internet sites and other resources that are relevant to this chapter:
Find out the top fifty most popular wedding songs in the United States:
http://www.weddingzone.net//p-top50t.htm
This blog was created for biracial children and parents who are raising multicultural children:
http://www.kidsoncolor.com/
This clip demonstrates the cognitive nature of language. Dozens of individuals were interviewed
around the world to describe their meaning of “love”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQLZCrIbGvo
This site describes a variety of strange and interesting wedding traditions from around the world:
http://traditionscustoms.com/wedding-traditions/strange-wedding-traditions
For information about rankings of Internet dating sites:
http://www.consumer-rankings.com/dating/
Film:
Slumdog Millionaire (UK, 2008). The settings move from the bleakest—the slums outside
Mumbai, where Jamal lives as a child with his older brother Salim—to the most rich. The story
ranges from the worst despair and heartbreak to the noblest sacrifice and most romantic love.
Our Family Wedding (2010). Check out this comedy about an interracial couple who announce
their engagement, and must deal with the aftermath, including their fathers’ less-than-accepting
attitudes about their relationship.
Book:
McBride, James (1996). The Color of Water: A Black Man’s Tribute to His White Mother.
Nonfiction, written by a musician and music critic raised by a white Jewish mother and African
American father(s). Good depiction of raising secure bicultural children. This book describes his
mother’s attempts to navigate being the only White in the neighborhood and the strategies she
used in raising twelve biracial children, all of whom became successful in professions and
relationships. (The title derives from her answer to her children’s curiosity about what color she
was!)
CHAPTER 10 INTERCULTURAL TOUR
Check out the following intercultural scenario:
(NOTE: See “Chapter 10 Class Handouts” for a printable version.)
A CRITICAL INCIDENT: ARRIVAL OF THE IN-LAWS
Ken and Kim have been married for six years. For most of those six years, they have been a
happily married couple. Ken is a thirty-three-year-old German American and works at a hightech firm in Silicon Valley. Kim is a thirty-year-old Chinese immigrant who is a pharmacist and
works in a nearby hospital. The couple has a three-year-old son, Kevin. For the past three years,
Kim has spent countless hours at the immigration office, applying for her parents to emigrate
from China to the United States. Ken has been very supportive of Kim throughout this process.
At long last, her parents finally gained entrance to the United States. They have been here for
eight months, living across the street from the couple. The grandparents are delighted to be
reunited with their daughter, and they dote on their only grandson. While Ken and Kim are at
work, the grandparents baby-sit Kevin. Because the grandparents do not speak English, they only
speak Chinese to Kevin. To their delight, Kevin has been picking up Chinese quickly.
Recently, Ken and Kim have had many tense moments and communication difficulties relating
to the in-law issue. To begin with, Ken feels he is never alone with Kim in the house anymore.
His in-laws are always there. Kim and her parents chatter constantly in Chinese. They also laugh
in that strange Chinese tone. To make matters worse, Kim has now started to speak to him in
Chinese rather than English! Ken feels very left out in his own house. He hears the Chinese
laughter from the kitchen and he feels like an outsider. He loves his family and he wants things
back to normal—the way it was. He decides to have an upfront, honest talk with Kim about his
frustrations.
He asks Kim to please tell her parents to reduce their visits from every day to only on the
weekends. Moreover, they should really call them ahead of time rather than just popping in to
visit. He asks Kim to register Kevin in a nearby English-speaking preschool so that he can play
with other English-speaking kids. While Kim nods “uh-huh” to all his comments, nothing seems
to change. Her parents continue to visit unannounced every day and often cook up strangesmelling Chinese food in the kitchen. Ken feels increased frustration in his own house.
Meanwhile, from Kim’s viewpoint, she cannot understand how Ken can be so selfish. Her
parents are new immigrants to this country. They have no friends and they do not drive. She is
glad that Kevin has a chance to learn Chinese from her parents. Before their arrival, she spoke to
Kevin only in English so that Ken could be included in the conversation. Now that her parents
are here, she feels that her Chinese roots are taking hold again. She hopes that by ignoring Ken’s
“ridiculous” requests, he’ll eventually forget about them and come to his senses. Although at one
point she yells back at Ken for raising his voice and making another of his “off-the-wall”
comments, often she ends up only staring at Ken in silence. She does not want to upset her
parents, who are playing with Kevin in the next room. Inwardly, Kim grows increasingly
resentful. She loves Ken, but at the same time she feels that her marriage is spiraling out of
control. She feels misunderstood all the time. She desperately needs some help and advice to
handle her marital crisis.
How would you explain Ken’s frustration and Kim’s stress? Can you draw upon some of the
ideas in Chapter 10 to help Ken and Kim to understand each other’s intercultural lens with
flexibility?
INTERACTIVE PROBES
(Ask yourself and probe your classmates’ reactions)
(NOTE: See “Chapter 10 Class Handouts” for a printable form containing these questions.)
1. To what extent can you relate to Ken? How so?
2. To what extent can you relate to Kim? How so?
3. Can you draw upon any real-life intimate relationship examples (involving yourself or your
family members) that have had caused you tremendous relationship frustrations and stress?
Are any of them related to cultural, ethnic, gender, religion, or sexual-orientation issues?
4. If you could serve as a “relationship coach” to Ken and Kim, what would you say to them?
FURTHER APPLICATION PROBES
(Use these questions to ask yourself and discuss with other students)
Let’s first analyze Ken’s relationship values and expectations.
1. Ken’s relationship values reflect:
a. collectivism
b. individualism
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. individualism
2. Ken’s relationship expectations emphasize:
a. structural commitment
b. personal commitment
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. personal commitment
3. Ken’s communication styles reflect:
a. low-context emotional expressions
b. high-context emotional expressions
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. low-context emotional expressions
4. Let’s say that eighteen years have passed. Kevin grew up speaking only English and has a
strong identification with the larger U.S. culture, while he knows nothing about his Chinese
ethnic background; his identity reflects the concept of:
a. minority-group identifier
b. majority-group identifier
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. majority-group identifier
Let’s analyze Kim’s relationship values and expectations.
5. Kim’s relationship values reflect:
a. collectivism
b. individualism
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. collectivism
6. Kim’s relationship expectations emphasize:
a. structural commitment
b. personal commitment
POP-UP ANSWER:
a. structural commitment
7. Kim’s communication styles reflect:
a. low-context emotional expressions
b. high-context emotional expressions
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. high-context emotional expressions
8. Let’s say that eighteen years have passed. Kevin grew up speaking both English and Chinese
fluently, and he has a strong identification with both the American and Chinese cultures; his
identity reflects the concept of:
a. disaffiliate
b. synthesizer
POP-UP ANSWER:
b. synthesizer
CHAPTER 10 CLASS HANDOUTS
Note: Your instructor may ask you to download, print out, and/or e-mail the following
class handouts for this chapter:
A CRITICAL INCIDENT: “ARRIVAL OF THE IN-LAWS”
INTERACTIVE PROBES FOR “ARRIVAL OF THE IN-LAWS”
A CRITICAL INCIDENT: ARRIVAL OF THE IN-LAWS
Ken and Kim have been married for six years. For most of those six years, they have been a
happily married couple. Ken is a thirty-three-year-old German American and works at a hightech firm in Silicon Valley. Kim is a thirty-year-old Chinese immigrant who is a pharmacist and
works in a nearby hospital. The couple has a three-year-old son, Kevin. For the past three years,
Kim has spent countless hours at the immigration office, applying for her parents to emigrate
from China to the United States. Ken has been very supportive of Kim throughout this process.
At long last, her parents finally gained entrance to the United States. They have been here for
eight months, living across the street from the couple. The grandparents are delighted to be
reunited with their daughter, and they dote on their only grandson. While Ken and Kim are at
work, the grandparents baby-sit Kevin. Because the grandparents do not speak English, they only
speak Chinese to Kevin. To their delight, Kevin has been picking up Chinese quickly.
Recently, Ken and Kim have had many tense moments and communication difficulties relating
to the in-law issue. To begin with, Ken feels he is never alone with Kim in the house anymore.
His in-laws are always there. Kim and her parents chatter constantly in Chinese. They also laugh
in that strange Chinese tone. To make matters worse, Kim has now started to speak to him in
Chinese rather than English! Ken feels very left out in his own house. He hears the Chinese
laughter from the kitchen and he feels like an outsider. He loves his family and he wants things
back to normal—the way it was. He decides to have an upfront, honest talk with Kim about his
frustrations.
He asks Kim to please tell her parents to reduce their visits from every day to only on the
weekends. Moreover, they should really call them ahead of time rather than just popping in to
visit. He asks Kim to register Kevin in a nearby English-speaking preschool so that he can play
with other English-speaking kids. While Kim nods “uh-huh” to all his comments, nothing seems
to change. Her parents continue to visit unannounced every day and often cook up strangesmelling Chinese food in the kitchen. Ken feels increased frustration in his own house.
Meanwhile, from Kim’s viewpoint, she cannot understand how Ken can be so selfish. Her
parents are new immigrants to this country. They have no friends and they do not drive. She is
glad that Kevin has a chance to learn Chinese from her parents. Before their arrival, she spoke to
Kevin only in English so that Ken could be included in the conversation. Now that her parents
are here, she feels that her Chinese roots are taking hold again. She hopes that by ignoring Ken’s
“ridiculous” requests, he’ll eventually forget about them and come to his senses. Although at one
point she yells back at Ken for raising his voice and making another of his “off-the-wall”
comments, often she ends up only staring at Ken in silence. She does not want to upset her
parents, who are playing with Kevin in the next room. Inwardly, Kim grows increasingly
resentful. She loves Ken, but at the same time she feels that her marriage is spiraling out of
control. She feels misunderstood all the time. She desperately needs some help and advice to
handle her marital crisis.
How would you explain Ken’s frustration and Kim’s stress? Can you draw upon some of the
ideas in Chapter 10 to help Ken and Kim to understand each other’s intercultural lens with
flexibility?
NAME: ________________________________
INTERACTIVE PROBES FOR “ARRIVAL OF THE IN-LAWS”
(Ask yourself and probe your classmates’ reactions)
1. To what extent can you relate to Ken? How so?
2. To what extent can you relate to Kim? How so?
3. Can you draw upon any real-life intimate relationship examples (involving yourself or your
family members) that have had caused you tremendous relationship frustrations and stress?
Are any of them related to cultural, ethnic, gender, religion, or sexual-orientation issues?
4. If you could serve as a “relationship coach” to Ken and Kim, what would you say to them?