UNIT 8
--------------------------------------------------------PAGE 90. EXERCISE C.
Joke 1
M: Listen to this. A guy asks a woman, “Do you know where
Fifth Avenue is?” So she says, “Yes” and walks away.
F: [laughs] Cute.
M: [laughs] I don’t know why, but that just tickles me.
F: I can see why. That’s really a hoot!
Joke 2
F: Here’s a good joke. Knock knock.
M: Who’s there?
F: Banana.
M: Banana who?
F: Knock knock.
M: Who’s there?
F: Banana.
M: Banana who?
F: Knock knock.
M: Who’s there?
F: Orange.
M: Orange who?
F: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
M: You’ve got to be kidding me. That is so lame.
Joke 3
F: Wanna hear a great joke?
M: Sure. Shoot.
F: A guy drives up to the curb and asks the policeman, ”Can I
park here?” The policeman says, “No.” So the guy asks,
“Well, what about all these other cars?” The cop says,
“They didn’t ask!”
M: They didn’t ask? That just cracks me up.
Joke 4
M: Did you hear the one about the couple with the perfect
marriage?
F: No.
M: Well, he’s deaf and she’s blind.
F: What’s that supposed to mean?
M: Get it? He’s deaf and she’s blind.
F: Uh, that’s really offensive.
M: Oh. Sorry.
Joke 5 [F2 = U.S., New York]
F1: Know any good jokes?
F2: Umm... Yeah. Here’s a good one. An old man goes into a
restaurant and orders some soup, and the waiter brings it
to him.
F1: And?
F2: Well, after a minute the old man calls the waiter over and
says “I want you to taste my soup.” The waiter says, “Is it
cold?” The old man says, “I just want you to taste my
soup.”
F1: How weird.
F2: So the waiter says, “Oh, I can’t do that, sir. But I’d be
happy to get you another bowl if there’s something
wrong.” So again the old man says, “I want you to taste
my soup.”
F1: So?
F2: So finally the waiter says, “OK, OK. I’ll taste your soup.
Where’s the spoon?” The old man says, “Aha!”
F1: That’s it?
F2: Yeah.
F1: I don’t get it.
F2: What do you mean you don’t get it? “Aha!”... He didn’t
have a spoon!
Fl: Oh... That’s pretty silly, if you ask me. Sorry!
Joke 6 [M1 = Australia]
M1: You know the one about the woman who calls her lawyer?
M2: No. How does it go?
M1: She calls her lawyer and the man who answers says,
“Smith, Smith, Smith, and Smith.” The woman says, “Let
me talk to Mr. Smith.” He says, “I’m sorry, he’s on
vacation.” “Then let me talk to Mr. Smith.” He says “He’s on
a big case, not available for a week.” “Then let me talk to
Mr. Smith.” He says, “He’s away. He’s playing golf today.”
“OK, then, let me talk to Mr. Smith.” “Speaking.”
M2: Now that’s funny!
PAGE 94. EXERCISE B.
F: I’ve got a good one. My dad was famous for playing jokes
on people. Usually they were in pretty good taste, but this
one may have crossed the line.
M: Really? What did he do?
F: Well, I’ll tell you the whole story. My dad was the chief of
staff at Claremont Hospital—you know, they have a huge
psychiatric ward with patients who have to be kept under
lock and key. Well, one day, this young doctor, Dr. Adams—
the butt of the joke—asks my dad to arrange for him to
visit the ward.
M: Uh-huh.
F: Well, my dad invites him to come to the ward at three. But
before Adams gets there, my dad goes to the guard at the
ward and tells him that he’s going to admit a patient who
thinks he’s a doctor. My dad says to just go ahead and let
this guy examine the other patients.
M: Oh, no. I can see what’s coming!
F: Yeah. So, at three, my dad brings Dr. Adams to the ward
and then leaves. Adams starts examining the patients, and
at four o’clock he asks the guard to let him out.
M: Uh-oh!
F: Uh-oh is right. Adams tells the guard, “OK. I’m ready to go
now.” And the guard says, “Sit down. You’re not going
anywhere.” So Adams says, “But I’m Dr. Adams.” And the
guard says. “Yeah, right. And I’m Napoleon.”
M: That’s terrible!
F: Well, maybe so. Anyway, eventually my dad came back to
the ward and straightened everything out. It’s a good
thing Adams could take a joke.
M: I would have killed him! Adams was a really good sport.
PAGE 94. EXERCISE D.
Speaker 1 [F = Puerto Rico]
F: You won’t believe what my friends did to me last night. You
know, I just got a new car, and I was so excited. I invited a
couple of friends out to dinner to celebrate. So when we
get to the restaurant, they tell me to park in the lot instead
of on the street. The car will be safer there, they said. Well,
you know how it is with a new car. You really don’t want
anything to happen to it. So we finish dinner and when we
get to the car, there’s this note from some woman
apologizing for scratching my car. I couldn’t believe it. So I
start walking around the car looking for the damage, but I
can’t see anything wrong. Then my friends all start
cracking up. It turns out they had left the note on the car
as a joke. It was all made up. Boy, did I feel dumb. But no
harm done. Once I got over the shock, I was fine. Those
guys! Don’t worry. I’ll get even with them some day.
Speaker 2 [F = U.S., Chicago]
F: A couple of years ago, my friend Alex helped me get a job
as a salesperson where she worked—over at Lakeside
Department Store. Well, on my first day on the job, Alex
was showing me the ropes, and she asked me if I’d been
told yet about the “first year reward” program. I said no.
And she seemed kind of surprised. So she tells me that on
your first day, new employees get to pick out something
from the store worth up to $500, and at the end of the year,
if you make your sales quota, you get to keep it—for
free—as a sort of reward. So Alex tells me I’m supposed to
walk around and choose something and then let the
manager know what it is. It was still early and the store
was pretty empty, so I figured it’d be a good time to
browse. All of a sudden, the manager shows up and asks
me what I’m doing walking around looking at everything.
Why aren’t I at my counter waiting for customers? I wasn’t
sure what to say. I mean, it dawned on me that this was
some big joke—on me—so I figured I’d better say
something. I just told him I wanted to get familiar with
what the store was selling so I could do a good job. But
inside, I was pretty ticked off at Alex. I could have gotten
fired! Oh... did I mention that Alex is my ex-friend?
Speaker 3
M: Someone actually played a practical joke on me at the
office about a month ago. I got in early because I’d gotten
some e-mail attachments I needed to download and
wanted to print out the files for the general manager. She
was gonna make some big PowerPoint presentation that
afternoon. So I turn on the computer and I can’t get any of
the flies to open. I’m about to panic when all of a sudden
this message comes on the screen saying, “I’m taking a
break. Be back in a half an hour.” I thought, ”What?” And
then I totally freaked. How am I going to get this done in
time? So I get up to ask this guy who sits right across from
me if he could give me a hand, when all of a sudden he
starts laughing his head off. It seems the jerk had
unplugged my mouse and keyboard and plugged his
mouse and keyboard into my computer as some kind of
practical joke. I should have known—he’s always doing
this sort of thing. I have to admit, it was pretty clever. And
in retrospect, it was pretty funny. But what a jerk!
PAGE 97. EXERCISE A.
Example 1
M: One day these two guys wanted to play a joke, so they
went out and bought one of those benches—you know, the
kind they have in the park, where people sit and have their
lunch, read the paper, whatever. So the two guys carry the
bench to the park and put it down, just as if it were a
regular park bench. And they sit down and have lunch.
After a while, they see a policeman walking toward them.
So they pick up the bench and start running away with it,
one guy at each end of the bench. The cop sees them and
yells, “Hey! Where do you guys think you’re going with
that bench?” One guy says, “It’s our bench.” The cop says,
“You guys are under arrest.” At that point, the second guy
takes the sales receipt for the bench out of his pocket. And
of course, what could the cop do? Pretty funny, right?
Example 2
M: Did you hear the one about the intelligence test?
F: No. How does it go?
M: One day this guy comes home and his wife says, “Wasn’t
today the day everyone at the company was supposed to
take an intelligence test?” He says, “Yes, that’s right.”
“Well,” she says, “did you take the test, too?” “Absolutely,”
he says. So she asks him, “How’d you do?” So he says,
“Well, let me put it to you this way. It’s a good thing I own
the company!”
Example 3 [F = French]
F: How many letters are in “the alphabet”?
M: Twenty-six.
F: Wrong! There are eleven letters in “the alphabet.”
M: I don’t get it.
F: Eleven letters! T - H - E - A - L - P - H – A - B - E - T.