IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG
WITH SEX BEFORE
MARRIAGE?
Couple relationships provide people with love,
companionship, support, and opportunities for
having children and raising families. As such,
couples are a fundamental building block of
society. Changing social attitudes during the
late 20th century have led to an increase in de
facto and same-sex relationships as well as
giving people more freedom to end
relationships, start new relationships or remain
single.1 Family Characteristics and Transitions Survey 2006
In the second half of the twentieth century a
major sexual revolution took place. Society has
been saturated with sexual stimulation in films,
television, advertising and glossy magazines.
No longer is it only the top shelf in newsagents
which is devoted to sex; now the middle-shelf
magazines tell you "everything you wanted to
know about sex, plus much much more". Sex
has become the idol of our times.
At the same time, another alarming revolution
has taken place: marriage and family life
began to break down.
The human cost of this is incalculable.
1 2006-07 Family Characteristics and Transitions Survey
So we see in our society an increasing
unwillingness to enter into marriage in the first
place. More and more couples have lived
together without getting married.
John Diamond, writing in his Private Life column
in The Times, said, "Nowadays, for most people
at least, marriage is one of those optional things
you do if you want to make a particular sort of
statement about the life you already share."2’
There seems to be something fundamentally
wrong with the so-called sexual liberation of
the twentieth century.
Song of Solomon 2:7 (NIV) Do not arouse or
awaken love until it so desires.
or
Song of Solomon 2:7 (NLT) Promise me…
not to awaken love until the time is right.
This suggests a right time…
Hebrews 13:4 (NIV) Marriage should be
honored by all, and the marriage bed kept
pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all
the sexually immoral.
1 Timothy 5:22 (NIV) Keep yourself pure.
Purity not abstinence is the issue…
Ephesians 5:5–7 (NIV) For of this you can
be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy
person—such a person is an idolater—has
2 The Times (21st May 1992).
any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and
of God.
A word of warning…
1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 (NIV) It is God’s will
that you should be sanctified: that you
should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each
of you should learn to control your own body
in a way that is holy and honorable, 5not in
passionate lust like the pagans, who do not
know God; 6and that in this matter no one
should wrong or take advantage of a brother
or sister. The Lord will punish all those who
commit such sins, as we told you and
warned you before. 7For God did not call us
to be impure, but to live a holy life(a pure
life).
ARGUMENTS FOR SEX OUT OF
MARRIAGE…
NO-ONE CAN TELL US WHAT WE
CAN AND CAN'T DO?
Rebuttal: Yes and No! God, as creator knows
what is best whether we accept it or not is our
responsibility!
In his love, has given us a good plan.
The Bible affirms our sexuality; God made us
'male and female' (Genesis 1: 27). The body is
good; we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made'
(Psalm 139: 14). Jesus had a physical body.
Everything God made was good — including
our sexual organs which he designed for our
enjoyment. The sexual urge is God- given and,
like fire in the fireplace, is a great blessing
when enjoyed in the right context.
As C. S. Lewis points out, 'Pleasure is God’s idea,
not the Devil’s.'
God is not looking down from heaven and
saying, 'Goodness gracious, whatever will they
get up to next?'
Sex in its right context is good and beautiful.
God has a high view of sexual relationships.
Marriage is a reflection of Christ’s relationship
with the church (Ephesians 5) and there can be
nothing higher than that.
That is why Christian married couples should
be encouraged to delight in one another and
enjoy sexual intimacy to the full. There is great
freedom within marriage; sex should never
become mundane or boring.
The biblical context of sexual intercourse is the
lifelong commitment in marriage between one
man and one woman.
SO LET ME SUM UP GOD'S
PERSPECTIVE THIS WAY…
As we have seen, God designed sexual
intercourse for our enjoyment in the context of
marriage. Any sex outside marriage is a
distortion of God’s good gift, falls short of his
ideal and is forbidden.
This does not mean we condemn the people
involved, for we are called to accept and love
people unconditionally. At the same time, we
must speak out against the sin. Indeed, it is
part of loving people.
Most would agree that sex and love should go
together. Promiscuity although common
practice today, has few serious defenders, but
many people would defend the practice of sex
before marriage in a more stable relationship.
The teaching of Jesus in the rest of the New
Testament is against such a practice, for it is
not just love and sex that must go together but
sex and long-term commitment to each other
in marriage. Such commitment is evidenced in
our society by the marriage vows.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper, nor is the
wedding day simply for dressing-up and getting
together with family and friends.
It is a public and responsible expression of
lifelong commitment, and the certificate of
marriage is a public document accessible to all.
In this context, sexual intercourse signifies,
seals and brings about an unbreakable, total
personal unity. Without such a commitment,
sex is cheapened, being 'a life-uniting act
without a life-uniting intent'.3
The life-uniting intent is evidenced by marriage
alone; engagement is not sufficient, for
engagements can always be broken (this is
part of the point of a period of engagement).
Irrevocable commitment comes only with the
public act of marriage.
This is God’s pattern for sexual relationships.
Sex outside marriage may feel good. However,
when God’s pattern is broken people get hurt.
1. WE RISK HURTING OURSELVES.
When a relationship involving sexual
intercourse breaks down, someone always gets
hurt and usually it is both parties who suffer.
Furthermore, the marriage itself is far more
likely to work. Pre-marital sex increases the
chances of extra-marital sex and, of course,
adultery is one of the leading factors in
marriage breakdown.
Recent figures have indicated that the divorce
rate is far lower among those who have waited
until their wedding day. For example, according
to recent research, of couples who married for
the first time in the 1980s, those who premaritally cohabited were 60% more likely to
3
Lewis Smedes, Sex for Christians (Triangle, SPCK, 1993), p130.
have divorced after eight years of marriage
than similar couples who had not done so.4
2. WE RISK HURTING OTHERS.
If the relationship does not last, there may be
a damaging effect on a future marriage.
Previous sexual relationships can lead to
jealousy and a lack of a feeling of being special’
for the marriage partner. Indeed, it can make
marriage itself less likely.
If there is an unwanted pregnancy, then - hard
decisions have to be made. There are a
number of possibilities: abortion, bringing up
the child in a single-parent family, adoption, a
‘shot gun’ wedding or an illegitimate child.
All of these involve hurt for different reasons,
and all fall short of God’s ideal for both the
parties involved and the child. Those of us in
pastoral ministry see the agony that results
every time this happens.
3. WE RISK HURTING SOCIETY.
The family unit is one of the basic building
blocks of society. Increasingly, it is recognised
that sex outside marriage can be a factor that
leads to family breakdown. In turn, family
breakdown is one of the reasons for the
soaring crime rate. In fact, both are symptoms
John Haskey. Pre-marital cohabitation and the probability of divorce: analyses using new data from the General
Household Survey. Population Trends 68 (HMSO Publications), quoted in The Times (19th June 1992).
4
of a society which has turned away from God’s
standards.
Immanuel Jakobovits, Chief Rabbi from 19671991, writing about marital infidelity, said that
'the cost to society is incalculable: above all in
terms of the millions of children now being
raised in a moral wasteland, without the shelter
of a loving home. Is it any wonder that from
their number countless embittered, selfish,
lonely and sometimes violent citizens are
recruited to swell the ranks of the anti-social?'5
Our bodies were not designed for sex outside
marriage. Before AIDS it was unhealthy; now it
can be fatal. For too long the glossy magazines
fooled us that ‘free love’ is free. But there is a
price to be paid. If we had kept to God’s
standards, AIDS would not have spread. The
best way to stop it now is to return to God’s
standards.
4. WE HURT GOD.
The most important consideration of all is that
breaking God’s laws has serious consequences:
it cuts us off from him.
That is why it is impossible to hold together a
wholehearted love and service of God and
disobedience in the area of sexual morality It is
this which stops many today giving their lives
5
The Times (22nd September 1993).
to Christ, and they lose out on abundant and
eternal life for something which in the long run
only does them harm. Others are torn apart by
the tension in their lives between a supposed
profession of faith and a life which they know
goes against such a profession.
CONCLUSION
The heart of our sexuality is not the biological
dimension but the personal one. Jesus himself
points the way to a state beyond marriage.
In heaven there will be no marriage.
Here on this earth, as John Stott, himself
unmarried, writes, it is possible for human
sexual energy to be redirected (sublimated’
would be the Freudian word) both into
affectionate relationships with friends of both
sexes and into the loving service of others.
Multitudes of-Christian singles, both men and
women, can testify to this. Alongside a natural
loneliness, accompanied sometimes by acute
pain, we can find joyful self-fulfilment in the
self-giving service of God and other people.6
Sex is not an ultimate goal. Our society; as we
have seen at the beginning, has made an idol
out of sex.
6
John Stott, The Message of the Thessalonians (IVP, 1991), pp84-85.
Sex has replaced God as the object of worship.
We need to reverse this. If we seek pleasure as
a god, in the long run we find emptiness,
disappointment and addiction.
If we seek God and purity, we find, among
other things, ecstatic pleasure.
“YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX FIRST TO
SEE IF YOU’RE COMPATIBLE”. (TRY
BEFORE YOU BUY)
Rebuttal: This is a fallacy for many
reasons.
First nothing in life is free. Just try taking a
couch from a furniture store on a ‘try before
you buy’ scheme. They want to know
everything there is to know about you in the
process to gain approval for this. “Try before
you buy” means it will cost you more further
down the track than if you waited and saved
up.
Try taking this couch back after using it and
deciding you don’t like it. No chance.
“Try before you buy” sounds ‘fine’ unless you
are the one being rejected and returned as
faulty merchandise. On that side of the coin it
feels like betrayal. Why? Because it is betrayal.
“Try before you buy” means you have an
undetermined time in which to prove yourself a
worthy partner.
It is a wise pre-marriage counsellor that tells a
couple sex may not be all they expect and
hope for in the beginning. (And that it will not
be what the media portrays it to be).
Covenant marriage means you have your
whole lives to learn and grow together without
the pressure of a timer going off and declaring
‘time’s up’.
“Try before you buy” people often are also
those who think you need to upgrade to the
latest model. This too sounds ‘fine’ unless you
are the model being traded in. You just might
be the one who gets dumped than the one
doing the dumping!
Sexually pure people don’t put expectations,
requirements, performance checks and
comparisons from one person to another.
Marrying someone sexually pure means you
never need fear those expectations,
requirements, performance checks and
comparisons.
For what reasons might the model need
updating? Age? Wrinkles? Weight gain?
Stresses? Lack of enjoyment? Injury? Illness?
Don’t we all want someone who will promise to
love us “for better for worse, for richer for
poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us
do part”?
Nobody wants the main course (relationship
and commitment) if they are already full of
dessert.
People actually need to LIKE each other.
Marriages with disastrous sex can make the
grade in marriage with other underpinning
values in place. Marriages that cannot include
sex (say through disability) can thrive based on
love (agape, storge, phileo), adjustment and
remembering a promise.
"IT'S ONLY NATURAL"
REBUTTAL: SO IS BURPING,
URINATING AND BREAKING WIND.
As are lying, justifying, gossiping and being
disrespectful.
'Natural' does not mean without self control.
'Natural' does not mean without limits.
'Natural' does not mean right.
“It’s only natural” brings sex into the realm of
animals - that humans are bound to follow a
basic instinct.
Sex is designed for a higher purpose between a
man and a wife than that of a pair of dogs on
heat.
“IT’S A NATURAL EXPRESSION OF
LOVE”
Rebuttal: Agreed. It is. In the right place
and with the right person and for the right
reasons and in the right circumstances.
Defending the personal RIGHT to have sex as a
natural expression of love in fact disqualifies
the argument itself.
Love is about the good of another. Most think
the opposite of love is hate – but it is not… it is
selfishness. Defending personal RIGHTS is
about self.
“IT’S MY BODY”
Rebuttal: This is only half true.
The Bible tells us we are NOT our own – we
were bought at a price. (Bought back from sin
by Jesus death and blood). When we give our
lives to God – we give the whole person, body,
soul and spirit. He is the rightful owner of our
body. He has the authority to say how to and
how not to use it.
Also sex outside of marriage means another
person shares in your sin. Unless married, you
have no ownership over the body of another
and if married, sex is not a sin.
1 Corinthians 6:18–20 (NIV) Flee from
sexual immorality. All other sins a person
commits are outside the body, but whoever
sins sexually, sins against their own body.
Do you not know that your bodies are
temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you,
whom you have received from God? You are
not your own; you were bought at a price.
Therefore honor God with your bodies.
“IT’S MY CHOICE”
Rebuttal: Yes. It is.
God gives us all the power and freedom to
choose. In everything. He does ask us to
choose Life over death. Blessing over cursing.
Right over wrong. Right ACTION when feelings
lead us in another direction.
Jesus prayed the night before He was crucified
that this ‘cup’ might be taken from Him – but
He chose the will of the Father anyway. Jesus
flesh did not desire the cross – he sweat great
drops of blood and prayed all night over it –
but he chose ultimate Love – our good before
His comfort and the will of the Father before
His own. He chose righteousness.
But YES it’s our own choice
“I NEED SEX”
Rebuttal: BAA HUMBUG.
A need is something you die without. Food,
water, warmth, shelter and love are things we
die without. Sex is not necessarily love, and
sex is not something we die without. Sex
is/can be a very strong drive but God asks us
to be masters over our feelings rather than be
mastered by them.
1 Corinthians 6:12 (NIV) “I have the right to
do anything,” you say—but not everything is
beneficial. “I have the right to do
anything”—but I will not be mastered by
anything.
Having sex is not a requirement to being a
whole person – if it was then those who do
not/can not for whatever reasons – faith,
health or choice – would be a lesser person
than the sexually active. That's rot!
“EVERYONE DOES IT”
Rebuttal: No they don’t.
Purity is on the rise as people around the world
are waking up to the fact
that sexual promiscuity is not freedom at all.
Movements like “Pure Freedom” and “The
Battle Cry” are reaching thousands upon
thousands and extend beyond abstinence to
purity.
Plus which – right is right even if no one else is
doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone else
is doing it.
“THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH
IT”
Rebuttal: This argument is usually
delivered very vehemently. Why the need
for aggression?
There is something very base in us that makes
us defend ourselves when we go against things
which are seated deeply in our own
consciences.
A person that makes this statement has no
interest or ability to hear why something IS
wrong. You are making clear statements
elsewhere about what’s right and wrong – if
this argument comes up I would leave it alone
and give them something else to chew on.
“HAVING A PIECE OF PAPER AND A
PARTY DOESN’T MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE”
Rebuttal: Yes it does and no it doesn’t.
It doesn’t if all you view getting married as - is
a “paper and a party”.
However, if you see marriage as making a
covenant promise in the context of community
and witnesses - it does make a difference, first
in the depth of commitment we are making
and secondly, because it takes our promise and
makes it public.
It connects us to others recognition. It sets the
each other apart. It connects us to community
that can help and support keeping us
accountable to one another and to them. When
we let our marriage partner down, we let our
community down.
OTHER POINTS
Quote - “A great lover is not a man who
pleases many women in his lifetime but one
who pleases one woman for the whole of her
lifetime”
80% of Australia’s population will at some
point in their lives be infected with the HPV
virus.
1. HPV is the sole cause of ovarian cancer with
it’s DNA present in over 99.7% of cases
2. Most don’t know they carry HPV as there
may not be any external symptoms, but they
still pass it on to others who may.
www.abc.net.au
Many who have multiple partners regret this
later in life. You never meet people who save
themselves for one and regret that.
A sexually pure person will never have the
humiliation of being checked or treated for an
STD6
• We are told not to defraud a man in any
matter. This means not to take, use or rob
another
person of something that is rightfully theirs.
Now or future. It’s not OK to take your sisters’
birthday present and use it just because it
hasn’t been given to her yet.
• God says to be pure and when he says
something it’s because that is what’s best – not
because He’s a kill-joy. For example – when
God says He hates divorce it’s because of the
gut wrenching, ripping and tearing of that
which
was joined as one becoming separate again.
You might just as well rip off a leg and call it
fun.
Just one medical fact in the Bible is to do with
babies being circumcised on the 8th day. We
know now that this is the day a baby’s
antibodies are most resistant to disease. God
knew this,
but the people the instructions were given to did not. God’s ways do not have to be
completely understood by us to remain what is
best for us.
The Health factors for not having sex outside of
marriage are enough reason alone (without
going into the moral, spiritual, emotional
reasons) to do as God recommends.
• Sexual impurity means that people bring
experience that is not specific or unique in
creating a
personal history between a couple. It can
introduce activities learned from others or
elsewhere
that is not about the discovery, wonder,
respect, love and intimacy of two becoming
one. Prior
experience means it is about two sets of
crowds attempting to work out their baggage
and
become unified.
• Sexual stimulation causes a chemical release
in the brain that overshadows everything else.
In porn this is like cocaine addiction1. In
relationship it overpowers the senses and stops
you
from getting to know the other person properly
in other ways at least until this period of time
wears off. This is why we should know if we
like them well enough to be committed to them
for
the rest of our lives before we start sleeping
with them.
1
National Catholic Register John Severance
interviewing Dr Judith Reisman
• Sexual intimacy is intended to be part of the
‘glue’ that holds a couple together. If you save
something special… for a time that is special…
it remains special. If you sample many exotic
wonders eventually they all become mundane.
Try eating nothing but a variety of chocolate in
a day and then getting excited about chocolate
for desert that night.
• When you marry without sex beforehand you
are free before God and before each other. You
never have a sense of guilt pervading this
aspect of marriage.
• One of the reasons sexually abused people
struggle to enjoy sex in marriage is because
their
senses associate trauma with the experience of
sex. When you have known guilt and the worry
of being caught this attaches through memory
and creates underlying unease.
• When you save sex for marriage you never
have to worry about the issues of pregnancy
and
whether or not you are ready for a baby. Even
in marriage where a couple decides to wait for
children – if the unexpected does happen the
commitment and maturity is in place because
of
the fact they are already married.
• Unwanted pregnancy is of course the leading
cause for abortion. Duhh. (Cal be prepared in
ANY debate that mentions abortion… rape is
generally raised as a pro choice argument.
Rape
victims are an extremely small percentage of
abortion statistics and therefore a red-herring
as
far as debating goes. Be aware there may be
rape/abuse survivors in hearing -this means
that
compassion to the hurting is necessary as well
as focus to the task).
Abortion is the leading PREVENTABLE KNOWN
cause for breast cancer2. It unnaturally
interrupts the process of cell change that begin
in a woman’s body at the moment of
conception. (Miscarriage does not do this as
this is a natural process instituted by the
woman’s
own body). 2
www.abortionbreastcancer.com; Book “Pro-Life
Answers to Pro-Choice arguments” R. Alcorn
7
• Safe sex is a myth.
Safer sex is also a myth than had to be
invented when the safe sex message proved so
false.
These phrases were invented to give people a
sense of freedom to behave as they please
sexually.
If over 80% population will have HPV in their
lifetime – this is clearly a delusion.
When new diseases keep on morphing from the
old – this is clearly a delusion. (For example a
new strain of AIDS that was identified last year
progressing in months instead of years.
www.bloomberg.com).
Monogamous (one man one woman for life) is
the ONLY way to be STD free.
• Condoms only protect from fluid – not skin
borne disease. And only if used 100% correctly
100% of the time without failure (slippage,
breakage etc). Most couples if they use them
at all
will give them up in time. This is as helpful as
never having used them at all.
• Shifting the goal posts once – “save sex for
marriage” means we can shift them again and
again anytime we please.
Dr Pat Love clearly summarises in her book "The
Truth about Love" that there is the need to
distinguish between infatuation from sex drive
and love. There is an attraction that can take
place that is misunderstood for sex drive and
love that is actually a result of chemicals
released into the brain that causes good
feelings and euphoria. This infatuation is
natures way of helping us meet a potential mate,
this then leads to sex but is not love. She goes
on to talk about the fact that when infatuation
ends, true love begins. 7
Nationally, more than half of teenagers are
virgins until they are at least 17 years of age
(Sex and America's Teenagers, The Alan
Guttmacher Institute, New York, 1994).
In the U.S., 7 in 10 women who had sex before
age 14, and 6 in 10 of those who had sex
before age 15 report having had sex
involuntarily. (Facts in Brief: Teen Sex and
Pregnancy, The Alan Guttmacher Institute,
New York, 1996).
In the first 5000 years of civilization less than
20 Sexually Transmitted Infections,(STI's)
became common. That's about one every 250
years. In the last 40 years the number of
common STI's has skyrocketed to over 60.
That's a rate of 1 STI/yr since North American
young people started having sex before
marriage, a rate increase of 25,000%. (that's
not a typo)
In the 1960s, one in 50 teens had a STI. Now
over 1 in 4 do. That's an increase of more than
1250% if infected teens.
Teenage girls who have sex are 2x more likely
to commit suicide than girls who practice
7
The Truth about Love, Pat Love, Fireside, New York, 2001, p27-31.
abstinence. ("Point of View" Dec 10,
2004)Teenage boys who have sex are 7x more
likely to commit suicide than boys who are
sexually abstinent. (ibid)
Girls who have abortions are 6x more likely to
commit suicide than those who don't.
Aust Stats
LIVING TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE
Overall, 39% of married people in 2006-07 had
lived with their partner before marriage. The
propensity to live together before marriage has
increased sharply over recent decades as de
facto relationships have become an
increasingly common precursor to marriage.
For example, almost three-quarters (74%) of
people who married in the 2000s lived together
before marrying. In contrast, just 3% of people
who married in the 1960s (and are still
married) lived together first.
1987
2007
Median age at first marriage
Men
Women
25.9
23.8
29.6
27.6
2006-07 Family Characteristics and Transitions
Survey
HOW TO RESIST
It is possible to stop having sexual
intercourse, even though it may be very
difficult. When someone comes to Christ, they
may be sleeping with a partner who is not a
Christian and it may be hard to explain to that
person why they will not sleep with them any
more, and this involves rejection and hurt. Yet
it is almost impossible to make any real
progress in the Christian faith until such a
sexual relationship ends, because we cannot
hold on to sin and be wholehearted in our
Christian lives at the same time.
If both parties come to Christ at the same
time, it is easier, but it still requires great selfcontrol. I have seen several couples who have
succeeded in this area and have found
enrichment from God in their relationship.
Usually they have married later and found
God’s blessing also in their family life. Some
think they will lose the respect of their friends,
but the opposite is often the case. If we live by
these standards we will have an opportunity to
influence society, rather than being squeezed
into the world’s mould.
Many fear that there will be a gap in their lives
if they stop making love, and that they will not
be as close to their partner. This is not the
case unless sex is the sole basis for the
relationship; in which case it is better that the
relationship ends because it does not have a
solid foundation. Indeed, this is one of the
dangers of sex before marriage: it clouds our
judgement about the rightness of the
relationship. It is much easier to work out
whether we are suited to be partners for life if
our judgement is unclouded by a sexual
relationship. As one twenty-seven-year-old
woman put it: 'Once the sex had been taken
away, I realised there was nothing left.' If the
relationship is right, there will not be such a
gap; rather there will be a depth of
understanding; respect, trust and dignity.
There may even be a sense of relief. Another
woman said, 'I felt as though a huge weight,
which I hadn’t realised was there, lifted off my
shoulders.' Sexual intercourse is not the
only way to demonstrate love. In fact, selfcontrol often shows more love and sets a good
pattern for married life when, from time to
time, self-control needs to be exercised. If the
relationship is conducted along these lines it
makes it easier for both parties to decide
whether or not it is right to get married.
How do we avoid getting into such a
situation in the first place? Jesus began with
the heart, the eyes and the thoughts. He said,
'Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has
already committed adultery with her in his
heart' (Matthew 5: 28). This is where selfcontrol begins for us all. All of us will be
tempted to have immoral thoughts — Jesus
was tempted also — but temptation is not sin.
It is not the thoughts that are sinful; rather it
is the entertaining of them. The more we give
in, the more difficult it gets. The more we
resist, the easier it gets. James, the brother of
Jesus, wrote, 'Resist the devil, and he will flee
from you. Come near to God and he will come
near to you' (James 4: 7-8). It tends to be a
spiral, either going up or down.
We need to help one another by not putting
temptation in the way. For example, it is not a
good idea to sleep in the same bed if you are
trying to resist temptation. Single people
sometimes ask, ‘How far can we go? The Bible
does not lay down the rules and nor should we.
People and circumstances vary.
We need to remember that it is always hard
not to go further next time. No married couple
I know ever regretted going too slowly before
they were married.