ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
One for the road By Martin Fryer
This episode is set in the period after Series five and before the 1988 christmas special 'Dates'
EXT.NIGHT. THE ONE-ELEVEN CLUB
There is a sign that reads 'members only' on a plaque to the right of the entrance,A burly minder stands in the door way.
INT.NIGHT. THE ONE-ELEVEN CLUB
Nice looking but small and not overly classy gambling establishment,a few punters are playing poker,a couple stand by a fruit
machine,then we see Del Boy at the roulette table,a female croupier stands behind the desk.
DEL .that'll do me for tonight darlin',thank you,danke shan.
we see Rodney enter in the background, he scans the premises,he spots Del and has a 'i knew it' look on his face.
He approaches Del.
RODNEY.Come on then,how much money have you lost?
DEL .Well ac......
RODNEY .As soon as Albert told me you'd borrowed a tenner off him i knew i'd find you down here squandering money we hav'nt
got.
DEL .If you ju......
RODNEY .Weve got gas bills,electric bills,the van needs a new engine,weve got nothing to sell and no money to buy stock
with,and here you are spending your uncles last tenner in a casino when it could of gone towards putting food on the table.
DEL .If you shut your cake ole' up for one second you mouthy little git you'll give me the chance to say i hav'nt waisted dear uncle
alberts last tenner
RODNEY. Here just watching are ya Del?do me a favour,i know you too well.
DEL .Rodney,what is my motto.
RODNEY.Depends who your ripping off and what your selling em.
DEL .No come on sarky,what do i always say in times of crisis.
RODNEY(reluctently)He who dares, wins.
DEL .Thats right ,he who dares wins,and tonight,i took alberts tenner,i dared and i won.
RODNEY(happier)Yeah,how much?
Del pulls a bundle of notes out of the pocket of his trousers and fans it in front of Rodneys face
DEL .600 lovely pounds.
RODNEY.Oh nice one my son,ace!
EXT.NIGHT ONE - ELEVEN CLUB CAR PARK,TROTTERS VAN PULLS AWAY SOUNDING EVEN MORE BANGED UP THAN
USUAL.
INT.NIGHT. TROTTERS VAN
RODNEY.The first thing you can do with that money is fix this van,its gonna conk out any day now.
DEL .Ok rodney,if it makes you happy....................you can phone round tommorow and find a second hand engine for it.
RODNEY.Oh yeah....
DEL .Well you want it fixed dont ya? anyway im gonna be paying up all our bills tommorow and with whats left im gonna go down
the auction at the weekend and buy some stock,we'll soon be back on our feet rodders.
RODNEY.yeah,alright..........i'll start phoning round the museums first thing.
DEL .Yeah,star..oi you cheeky little sod,there is nothing wrong with this van,its gets us from A to B does'nt it?
RODNEY .It gets us from A to B alright,but what about if we want to go to C?
DEL .I wish you would go to bloody sea rodney.
INT.DAY. TROTTERS FLAT
Del is reading the auto trader at the breakfast table,he is fully dressed for the day ahead,he has a fry up in front of him,he dips his
toast in his egg as Albert enters from the kitchen,albert is still in his pajamas and dressing gown.
ALBERT.(shouting)RODNEY,DO YOU WANT ANY BREAKFAST?
Del jumps
DEL .gordan bennet you soppy old goat,what ya shouting like that for?
ALBERT.Asking rodney if he wants any breakfast
DEL .well he's ardly' gonna hear you from here uncle,he went out first thing,
ALBERT.When will he back,i'll put his breakfast under the grill if he aint gonna be long?
DEL,Dunno unc,he's out looking for a new engine for the van
ALBERT.So he wont be back for a few days then(albert does his laugh)
DEL .Shut up you old git.................anyway when rodney does come in i want you to tell him to meet me in the nags head at
lunchtime,i was on the phone to Lenny Norris this morning and he's got 25 ladys real looking fur coats,and he has offered me em'
for £200 the lot,if i can knock em out for £30 quid a piece i can make a profit of...........(del trys to work it out),well , i can make a
bloody good profit.
ALBERT.25 fur coats for 200 pounds,they must be nicked then?
DEL(angry)Oi oi oi,what sort of bloke do you think i am,i do not have anything to do with stolen goods,alright?
ALBERT.Sorry son,i just thought.......
DEL . Thats ok,just watch your mouth in future,you say somthing like that in the wrong place,i could end up doing 5 years.
ALBERT.That reminds me,some bloke phoned while you were out getting ya paper,he says to tell you he wont be able to get them
speakers he promised ya cuz woolworths have put in new cameras.
DEL.Oh thats a pity, i wa............(he see's albert looking at him with a 'see,you do deal with stolen goods' look on his
face)...yeah,alright unc,alright,just dont you say anything to rodney,i dont want him giving me one of his moral speaches,he goes
on more than mary bleeding whitehouse.
INT.DAY THE NAGS HEAD
Its midday and the pub is'nt busy,a young couple sit at a table and mike is behind the bar dusting it.
Del-Boy enters.
DEL .Watcha Mike,i'll have a malibu and 7up,and er,make it large.(del gets out a wad of money and fans through it)
MIKE.What a lovely sight.
DEL .Yeah,look at that smashing aint it?
MIKE.I say its a lovely sight because it means you might actually pay your slate up.
DEL .(realising his mistake)its not mine is it!
MIKE.Not yours, who's is it then?
DEL .Its er,..........alberts,yeah,just been to get his pension.
MIKE.What,all that?
DEL.Well he's a war hero aint he.
Dels phone rings as trigger enters,del acknowledges trig and answers phone.
DEL.alright trig-(into phone)hello,Trotters independent traders plc,derek trotter speaking.......Sunglasses Ron,how ya doin
pal......excellent,it must be 4 years since i last talked to you,where you living now......southend,nice,ere when did you get out ronny
boy.yeah,hang on a minute sunglasses,where did ya get my executive mobile phone number from?.............ow,you phoned the
house and Albert give it ya did he,...........a bit of bussiness! im all ears ron,all ears...........(del see's Mike and Trig both listening
intentevly to his conversation)hang on son,let me go somewhere more private.
Del leaves the bar.
MIKE.Ere Trig,who's Sunglasses Ron?
TRIG.He was that bloke just talking to Del on the phone,know him do ya Mike?
MIKE,Bloody ell' trig,i know that dont I,i mean whats his story,what did he go inside for.
TRIG.Oh,get ya now..............Him and a bloke called paddy the greek used to do a bit of a double act,you wanted it ,they could get
you it,no questions asked, must of got caught and got a bit of a sentence,i hate that sort of thing myself.
MIKE.Come off it trig,your not exactly squeeky clean when it comes to your past.
TRIG.Oh,no,you misunderstand mike,i used to nick anything,i mean i dont like that getting caught lark.
MIKE.(can't beleive what he's hearing)Look,what you drinking trig?
TRIG.I'll just have a pint please mike.
Del re-enters,
DEL .I'll get that trig
TRIG.Cheers del
Del and Trig take their drinks over to a table and sit down.
Rodney enters the pub,he looks knackered,he is wearing jeans and a parka,he is covered in grease
Del notices him
DEL.Bloody hell rodney i asked you to go and buy a new engine not make one.
RODNEY.Ive been trying to buy one derek,ive been trying to buy one since 8 oclock this morning
DEL.Any luck?
RODNEY.No,they just laughed at me.
Rodney sits down
RODNEY.Albert just gave me your message,he said something about a deal with lenny norris.
DEL.Ah,that was this morning Rodney,things have changed since then.
RODNEY.You mean there's no deal?
DEL .There is a deal,just not with Lenny Norris
RODNEY,Pulled out has he?
DEL.It was me who pulled out actually Rodney.
RODNEY,Why?the way albert was talking is was a brilliant deal,and it would have left us with enough money to pay them bills off
and fix the van.
DEL .Well,I weighed it up, and I dont think that Lenny Norris is the sorta bloke we should be dealing with,you never know where
his gear comes from.
RODNEY.thats never bothered you before.
DEL .besides,ive had a bit of business put my way by another contact of mine,bloody good business as well.
RODNEY.Who's the contact?
DEL .sunglasses Ron
RODNEY.Oh cosmic,you mean to tell me you've decided against dealing with lenny norris cuz he's dodgy,and instead you've
struck a deal with Sunglasses Ron,thats like the time you kicked Mickey Pearce off the pub quiz team cuz he didnt know any of
the answers and replaced him with trigger.
TRIGGER.(proud)Thanks Dave.(rodney reacts)
DEL.Oh shut up you big old brass,you dont even know what the deal is yet.
RODNEY.come on then ,what is this big deal?
DEL.Not here Rodney,I dont want anyone else earwigging cuz they'll all want a peice of the action,I'll tell ya when we get back to
the flat, after you phone Lenny and tell him the deals off,seeya trig.
del heads to the exit
RODNEY(after him)what do you men when i phone Lenny...............FADE OUT.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT
albert is asleep in front of the telly with a brandy in his hand,Del and Rodney enter,Del notices him.
DEL .Look at that lazy old git,i told him before i went out,to take the washing down the launderette and go round the flat with the J
Edger,and whats he done all day?nothing,thats what he's done.
RODNEY.Come on Del,thats not true
DEL .whats the old sea dog done today then.
RODNEY(picking up the bottle of brandy from the side)He's drunk your brandy for a start.
DEL.The theiving old git,ere,Rodney pass that newspaper off the table there.
Rodney passes the paper to Del,DelBoy rolls it up and stands behind the chair aAlbert is asleep on.
DEL(shouting into paper)ABANDON SHIP,WHOOOP WHOOOP,ABANDON SHIP
ALBERT.(jumps)TO THE LIFEBOATS,.........whats going on? for a minute there i thought i was in the atlantic again.
DEL .keep nicking my brandy and you will be back in the bleedin' atlantic.
RODNEY.Come on then del,whats this deal thats so secret you couldnt tell me in the pub
DEL.Ok Rodney,but just hear me out,no butting in.
RODNEY.Fair enough.
DEL .I dont know if you knew,but since Sunglasses got ou.........came back off holiday,he's been running a boozer down in
southend,well Sunglasses being Sunglasses,he has'nt been getting his booze from the brewery like any normal landlord,no,he's
been buying it off this geezer who does a bit of shopping regularly in Calais,if you know what i mean,well he's been doing it for so
long his seller at the pub resembles a hypermarket.
RODNEY.Whats all this got to do with you?
DEL .If you listen i'll tell ya,a couple of weeks ago this bloke was coming back from another days bootlegging when his van was
checked and his load was found.
RODNEY.I still dont see where you come into it.
DEL .let me finish and you'll find out,anyway,somone from the dover end must have recognised his van and realised it had been
going back and forth across the channel on that ferry more times than the bloody captain,so the police were notified and they
went round his gaffe
RODNEY.And found a shed load of booze?
DEL.No,they found absolutely nothing,and why did they find nothing,i'll tell ya why,cuz all the booze this geezer had bought back
was safe and sound in Ronny boys celler,now the police aint stupid,they realised it would take every member of alcoholics
anonymous about 3 years to drink that lot,so they put 2 and 2 together and they now think he's been selling it to local boozers.
RODNEY.Well he had.
DEL . I know he had,and thats where I come into it,according to Sunglasses 2 pubs have been searched round his way so far and
it will only be a matter of time before a jon darm is sniffing round his vodka and coke,so he needs to get rid of it sharpish,pay
attention rodders,this is where it gets good.
In that celler Sunglasses Ron has 3 grands worth of spirits,beer and wine and he needs to get it out of southend by beginning of
next week when he can replace it with cosha stuff,he offered me the lot for a grand.
RODNEY.But you hav'nt got a grand derek.
DEL. I know,that is why i successfully negotiated the sale of half of that lovely booze for £600,I pick it up Saturday.
RODNEY.You mean to say you are spending the only money we have on booze when bills need paying an.....
DEL(sarcasticly)........And the van needs fixing,the flat needs decorating and poor little rodney has'nt eaten in months,gordon
bennet Rodney,im not gonna drink it am I,im gonna sell it.
RODNEY.who to?
DEL .Mike at the nags head,he knows a bargain when he see's one and we can double our money on this,never mind a new
engine,we can buy a new car,this time next year we'll be millionairs.
RODNEY.So mike has agreed to buy the booze off you has he.
DEL.Well not exactly.
RODNEY,What do you mean not exactly?
DEL .I hav'nt told him about it yet.
RODNEY.Well when you gonna tell him then?
DEL .When I get back
RODNEY.Why dont you just ask him if he wants it tonight?
DEL .because rodney my little brother,Mike worries more than a hypercondriac with an ulcer,he would ask all sorts of
questions,he'd want to know who im buying it off,why are they selling it,you know what he's like.
RODNEY.So....just tell him.
DEL .What do you mean just tell him,use your filbert bruv,if i told him,whats stopping Mike from cutting the middle man out and
buying it off Sunglasses himself,this way,i go to Mike with the goods,he likes what he sees,he hands over a grand ,weve as good
as doubled our money,mikes filled his celler and saved a few hundred quid,everybodys happy,and not only that I get to spend a
weekend down in southend.
ALBERT.How you gonna afford to spend the weekend there,you've only got 600 quid and you need that for the booze.
DEL .Sunglasses has arranged al that,i suppose he's booked a hotel,ive got phone him tonight and sort out all the fine details.
RODNEY.And whats he gonna do with the other half of the booze?
DEL.well i dont know,he'll sell it to someone else wont he,look,its not our problem is it?
RODNEY. How are you gonna get there,that van would'nt make it to south london let alone southend.
DEL .dont worry Rodders,ive thought of that,im gonna ask Denzil if i can borrow his transit,i'll slip him a few quid when I get back
or something,will you two stop worrying,nothing can possibly go wrong,this is Sunglasses Ron we're dealing with not the
mafia,he's never done me wrong in the past.
RODNEY.What do you mean never done you wrong in the past,every deal you've ever done with that man has gone tits up.
DEL .Yeah? give me an example know it all.
RODNEY.Look at that time he sold you them digital watches
DEL .Bloody good watches they were
RODNEY.I dont deny they were a quality time peice,trouble is they were set to japanese time and the buttons didnt work so you
could change it.
DEL .They went,didnt they?
RODNEY.Yeah but you had to carry a culculator around with you to be able to tell the time.
DEL .Ok,so he stitched me up with them,we all do it at some time or another.
RODNEY.And what about the time he sold you them genuine italian designer silk shirts.
DEL .You cant argue with that Rodney,they were genuine italian designer silk shirts,and very lovely they were too.
RODNEY.Oh i agree Del,they were lovely,they were so lovely they had the combined police forces of 3 countys looking for
them,they were so lovely we could'nt sell em untill they went out of fashion,by then no one wanted em'.
DEL .Ok so he's tucked me up a few times,nothing can go wrong this time though,if he doesnt shift that booze him and his mate
are gonna do a stretch,and he doesnt want that,for the first time in his life he's making some real money,and so will we,whenas
soon as we go down to southend this weekend and pick that booze up.lovely jubbly.
EXT.NIGHT NAGS HEAD CAR PARK
We see the trotters van parked up
INT NIGHT.THE NAGS HEAD
a few people sit at the tables and a man is drinking up the bar,a couple of youths stand at the juke box,Del and Rodney approach
the bar.
DEL .Dont forget rodney,keep shtum,i dont want anyone hearing about this ok?
RODNEY.Yes,dont worry,im not stupid am i.
DEL.Evening Michael,i'l have a pint for einstein here and a martini and cherry coke for moi.
MIKE.I hope your paying for these Del
DEL .,You aint half gettin' bleedin tight mike,of course im paying for em,ere,theres £2.
Del and Rodney leave the bar and sit at a table.
MIKE.It comes to £3.50
DEL .Put it on the slate.(to rodney)Denzil should be in soon and i'l have a word in his shell about that van.
RODNEY.Has it not crossed your mind that Denzil may be using his van this weekend?then what are you gonna do.
DEL .We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Denzil enters the bar
DENZIL.Pint please mike
DEL(from his table)I'l get that Denzil my old son
DENZIL .Oh,watcha Del,didnt see you sitting there,cheers.
MIKE(to del)Thats £1.80 del
DEL .Get it off Denzil,i'l owe it to him,ere Denzil come and park your carriage over here i wanna have a word with ya.
Denzil goes and sits with Del and Rodney.
DENZIL.Alright Rodney,hows it going.
RODNEY.Not bad Denzil
DENZIL.What d'ya wanna have a word about delboy?
DEL .I need a favour
DENZIL .Im skint del
DEL.No ,i dont want ya money,i wanna borrow your van this weekend,theres a score in it for yourself.
DENZIL .ah,well normaly del i'd let ya,but im using it this weekend for a removal job,some geezer over in hatton garden,he's got a
little D.I.Y shop and he's relocating across London and he's asked me to do it for him,should be an easy few quid for a days work.
RODNEY.see,told ya didnt i,dont listen to me though del,what do i know.
DEL .shut up you tart,tell ya what Denzil,lend us your van and you can use ours.
DENZIL .why dont you use yours?
RODNEY.cuz its knackered.
DEL .yeah cu.......shut up Rodney,no we cant use ours cuz er.......,the consignment of.....er carpets,yeah,the consignment of
carpets ive done a deal for would'nt fit in the back see.
DENZIL .oh right,well sorry Del,i would let ya,but like i said i need it,tell ya what,if theres any change ,i;l give you a bell.
we see Mickey Pearce enter in the background.
MICKEY.watcha Rodney
RODNEY.alright Mickey,ere Del,im now gonna go have a chat with Mickey ok.
DEL.(not listening,mind on other things)yeah.(looks like he's had an idea)
DEL .ere denzil,what was this blokes name
DENZIL.what blokes that del?
DEL .the bloke with the d.i.y shop
DENZIL .Oh,its er....Frank Potts,why ,know him do ya.
DEL .ay,no,ere you aint got his phone number have ya.
DENZIL.yeah i got it here my pocket,ive gotta phone him in the morning to make the arrangements for saturday,why do ya ask
del?
DEL .well ive been thinking of doing our bathroom up and i need some paint ya see,but these big superstores rip you off,and i was
thinking if this geezers got a small family run bussiness he'll be cheaper,i wont mind giving him a bell and getting some prices off
him.
DENZIL.yeah,ok,here you are,its........
del pulls pen out of his pocket as we cut away to Mickey and Rodney standing up the bar
MIKE.want another one in there Rodney?
RODNEY.yeah,er,(embaressed)better make it a half.
MICKEY.do you fancy going on to club later Rodney, we can pull a couple of ravers and take em back to your flat
RODNEY.I 'd love to mickey but im potless aint i.
MICKEY.how can you be potless,according to otto down the one-eleven club del boy won 600 notes last night,didn't he cut you a
share,i thought you two were partners.
RODNEY.well we are,its just that del needs that money for something else
MICKEY.like what,a new suit,a bigger breifcase maybe,your not a partner rodney,i mean look at Del,sharp suit,big fat cigar and an
exotic cocktail,he looks like a bussiness man,and then theres you,tight jeans, role up, and half a pint,you look like a vagrant.lets
face it Rodney,your only a partner when del wants the van washed or something,you would be better off working with me.
RODNEY.delivering leaflets for top buys,no thanks mickey.
MICKEY.well its gotta be better than what you do,ive always got money in me pocket and i know when theres a pound of
sausages going cheap.
RODNEY.well me being skint is just temporary,after this weekend i'll have plenty of money my son.
MICKEY..yeah,what ya doing then,cleaning the van?
RODNEY.no im not cleaning the van,do you remember a geezer called sunglasses ron,well he's running a boozer down in
southend and..............
we cut to the next seen as Rodney starts to tell Mickey about the deal.
INT.DAY THE TROTTERS FLAT
albert comes out of the kitchen with two plates of breakfast.
ALBERT.del, rodney,breakfasts on the table.
del enters
DEL.put mine under the grill unc,ive gotta make a phone call.
ALBERT.trying to get hold of a van are ya,rodney told me about denzil using his for a removal job.
DEL .something like that unc.
albert sits at the breakfast table with his back to del,del dials a number while reading from his hand.
DEL .its ringing.
ALBERT.i cant hear anything
DEL .no i mean the.....never mind,go back to bed you dozy old twonk.
We cut to the interior of a ''D.I.Y store,the telephone is ringing,a man in his late forties early fiftys comes into shot and answers the
phone,it is obviously the Frank Potts Denzil was talking about.
as del and frank talks,the camaera cuts between the two.
FRANK .hello,potts D.I.Y.
DEL.er,yeah,hello john,i was just wondering what time you open today cuz i want to pop down and buy some paint.
FRANK.oh sorry mate,were not open anymore,were moving premises tommorow you see, to a bigger place across london.
DEL .oh that is a shame , cuz i heard you were the best,ere,you dont need a removal man do you cuz i happen to be in that game
myself.
albert turns around and reacts
FRANK.no afraid not pal,ive already arranged for someone to do it.
DEL .oh well never mind,worth asking,who you got,Thompsons removals based down purlifleet street
FRANK .no,no,they were asking too much,i went to a local bloke in the end.
DEL.oh well,yeah,you cant go far wrong with a local bloke,well as long as its not the git i got to move my dear old uncle a month
back,he loaded up his van and had it away with all his gear,never to be seen again,His name was Denzil or David or something
like that.
Albert reacts again.
FRANK.he was'nt a black bloke was he.
DEL.yeah,i beleive he was,look pal,as much i'd like to, i cant stand around here chatting all day,ive got a pick up at 10.bye.(del
hangs up)
FRANK.wait a minute mate,hello,hello.
ALBERT.what are you playing at del?
DEL .do you want £50
ALBERT.yeah.
DEL .then i advise you to keep that big cake ole' of yours firmly shut,if you know what i mean.
ALBERT .loud and clear son,im saying nothing.
DEL .good (rodney enters)morning bruv
RODNEY.morning,ere should'nt you be phoning round trying to sort a van out,your meant to leave this afternoon.
DEL .no rush rodders,no rush.
del gets up and heads for his bedroom
the phone rings.
RODNEY.i'l get it.
DEL .if thats denzil,tell him i'l be round to pick the van up in a little while.
RODNEY.dont be stupid,he's already told ya he's using it aint he.
DEL.well he might have had a change of plan.
RODNEY.yeah,and he might not.
rodney answers phone
RODNEY.hello.......yeah........ok.......yeah,see ya.
DEL(from the other room)who was that rodney?
RODNEY.Denzil,he's had a change of plan,he said you can pick the van up when you want.
DEL(from other room)Lovely jubbly.
del comes back into the room fully dressed.
DEL..right,im gonna go pick that van up,Rodney,Albert you 2 better pack a change of clothes for the morning.
RODNEY.what do you mean pack a pair of clothes for the morning,im not going.
DEL.what do you mean your not going,this is a bussiness deal,were partners aint we?
RODNEY.yeah,when it suits you,the only reason you want me to go is to read the bloody map.
DEL.thats not true at all rodney.
RODNEY.no?
DEL.well alright,it is true,look, I cant ask albert to do it can i,knowing that old git we'd probably sink, thats not all i want you to
come for,i need you to load the booze on too.
RODNEY.well,you can forget it Del,im not gonna be a partner just when it suits you,i mean look at ya,that shirt probably costs
more than my whole wardrobe,and another thing dont bother saying 'mum said to me on my death bed,if you ever go to southend
to do a deal for booze get Rodney to load it on the van for you'
DEL .oh,i see where this is going you crafty little sod,ok,ok,you win.....you know that smart 3 peice suit i bought off Monkey
Harris,that one that fits you like a treat?
RODNEY.(upbeat)Yeah.
DEL.come on this trip and i'll sell it to ya.
RODNEY.no,forget it,ive made my mind up i am not coming no matter if you offered me the world so you may as well stop going
on about it.
DEL .alright you can have the suit.
RODNEY.i'l go pack.
DEL. (to himself)plonker.
EXT .AFTERNOON. THE MOTORWAY
We see a stretch of road,on it are lots of cars,vans ect,the camera zooms in on a blue transit with transworld express on the side.
INT.DAY .DENZILS VAN.(pov=front window,looking in)
del is driving,alberts in the middle and rodney is sitting near the window.
ALBERT.i used to spend a lot of time down in southend when i was younger.
DEL.waiting for your boat to be raised were ya?
ALBERT.no,we used to spend some of our shore leave there,.
DEL .as soon as we get there we'll pop into Rons pub and let him know we've arrived,then we'll go check over the hotel and we
might even have a enought time for a trip to a local nightspot.
RODNEY.in other words,we'll go for a drink,drop the van off and go out on the piss all night.
DEL .well if ya like rodney,yeah.
RODNEY.i thought as much
ALBERT.ere del,why do they call him sunglasses ron,does he wear a pair of sunglasses all the time?
DEL .no unc,you'll know why when you see him.
ALBERT.what do ya mean?
DEL .lets just say you'll need a pair.
RODNEY.i still say this deal aint gonna be all plain sailing Del.
DEL .what are you going on about now ya big brass,we've got the van,weve got the money,you did bring the money didn't ya
rodney.
RODNEY.me bring it,i thought you picked it up.
DEL.i asked you to pick it up you dipstick.
ALBERT.calm down,i picked it up.
DEL .nice one Albert,relying on him is like relying on a theif to mind ya bike while you go for a nelsons riddle.
RODNEY. .oh shut up ya moaning old sod.
DEL .i lean over and smack you in the eye in minute.
ALBERT.will you two pack it in,you've been going on since we left London.
DEL .shut up albert,the only reason we bought is incase we run outta money.
ALBERT.I aint bought any.
DEL .come along uncle,i know very well you went to the post office and drew a few quid out yesterday,i saw you while i was
getting playb......a newspaper.
EXT.DAY. we see a road sign with southend on it,the van comes into shot and follows the arrow round.
EXT DAY. SOUTHEND we see the seaside town in all its glory,a beachfront,fairground peir ect,the van drives along the sea front.
INT.DAY DENZILS VAN (pov=front window looking in)
DEL .here we are,southend,its lovely aint it Rodders?
RODNEY.smashing Del.
DEL.nice ere aint it Albert
we see albert is oblivious to dels question,he has his eyes firmly on the scantily clad birds along the front.
DEL.pop the old sea dogs eyes back in the sockets rodney,his heart'll go looking at much more of that.
we see rodney doing the same.
DEL .(taking his eyes off the road)look at you two pervo's,you'd think you'd never seen a bikini be...phwooooar,look at
the...............
we see the van swerve,another car bibs his horn.
EXT.DAY. THE OAK AND FOX PUBLIC HOUSE.
we see the oak and fox is a nice looking pub with a spacious car park,the van is parked up and the trio enter
INT.DAY THE FOX AND OAK PUBLIC HOUSE.
del opens the door and they walk in,the pub is pretty crowded,behind the bar is a nice lookin woman of about 30,also behind the
bar is a slightly over weight man in his mid forties,he has black hair that is obviouly dyed,he is wearing the brightest most repulsive
multicoloured shirt you have ever seen,this is sunglasses ron.
DEL .there he is look,you can see why we call him sunglasses ronm now cant you unc.
RODNEY.bloody hell has he got a license for that shirt?
DEL(shouting)oi,you in the stupid shirt.
RON (noticing delboy)Delboy,you found the place alright then,come here let me have a look at ya
del rod,alb approach bar.
RON.you are looking well,what you drinking,on the house.
DEL .i'l have a campari and tizer please sunglasses my old son.
RON.your still drinking the weird cocktails then
DEL.and your still wearing the leary shirts,here look,this is my brother rodney,you remember rodney dont ya?
RON.yeah,course i do ,hows it going rodney?
RODNEY.great thanks ron.
RON(to albert)oi,santa clause,the pensioners coach party left half hour ago.
ALBERT.you cheeky sod,i Fought in the war for you.
DEL.no,ron,your mistaken,this is my uncle albert,he's living with us back in peckham.
RON(laughing)oh sorry old timer,you wer'nt on the scene when i was in peckham so i didnt recognise ya.
DEL .this is grandads brother,he moved in with us after he died.
RON.so you thought you'd bring him down to southend to meet your old mate sunglasses ron.
DEL.yeah,something like that ron,look,we're gonna go drop our stuff off at the hotel,then maybe sample a bit of the old night life.
RON .ah,yeah,about that hotel,you see the thing is,i phoned round all the hotels and they were all booked,its peak season ya see.
DEL .what we gonna do then,we can't kip in the van?
RON .calm down,i managed to get you a room at a little bed and breakfast near the golf course i play on,trouble is its only a single
room,its got three beds though.
DEL.well it'l have to do wont it,ere how long have you been playing golf.
RON.ever since i started supplying the club house with my beer,im playing in the morning,do you fancy a game?
RODNEY.He dont pla.........
DEL. oh yes,love a game of golf me,I'd love to play.
RON.here ya go,heres the address of ya b and b,and i'l see ya in the morning,we'll discuss bussiness(winks)on the course.
INT.NIGHT THE TRIO'S ROOM AT THE B AND B
an elderly lady opens the door to the room the trotters are staying in for the night,there is only a small single bed and a double.
LADY.here you go,enjoy your stay.
DEL.yeah thanks.
they notice the bed arrangements
DEL .rodney......
RODNEY.im not sleeping with Albert
DEL .why not , theres nothing wrong with him.
RODNEY.you sllep with him then.
DEL.no way,have you smelt his feet.
RODNEY.under no curcumstances am i sleeping in the same bed as uncle albert.
DEL .well theres only one way to sort this out,we'll ask him who he leasts wants to sleep with and the loser has to sleep with him
RODNEY.ok then,ask him
DEL.albert,who do.............
del and rodney turn around to see albert already laying on the single bed,his stuff set out neatly on the side.
Del and Rodney react.
EXT .NIGHT SOUTHEND HIGH STREET.
del rodney and albert are all dressed up,rodney in his new suit,del in the usual going out gear and albert in the usual suit with his
medels proudly on display.
DEL .alright,thats enough pubs,lets find a club and go have a good dance,might even pull a skirt
RODNEY.oh yeah,and where you gonna take her,back to the flat?
DEL.oh yeah,i forgot where we were for a minute.
ALBERT.my feet are killing me,i walki=ed this far for years.
DEL.look at the state of him will ya,im not suprised unc,its been about 60 years since you had a night on the town,i dont know why
you wanted to come anyway.
ALBERT.well it was either that or stay in that room looking at four walls.
DEL .well when me and rodney pull tonight i want you to make yourself scarse,we cant impress birds with you going on about how
you were torpedo'd off the coast of luxembourge
RODNEY.lexumbourge has,nt got a coast.
DEL.shut up will ya soppy,im out for a good time not a bloody geography lesson.
ALBERT.unless im very much mistaken theres a club around here where all the sailors used to meet.
albert notices it.
ALBERT.there it is,look they'v even called it sailors now,
RODNEY.why dont we go in here then,ay del.
DEL.come on then
they go in ,walking past a man on the door in full naval uniform ,all exept he is shirtless,he opens the door for them,as he closes it
we see his naval trousers are showing his bottom.
two men holdig hands follow the trotters in,this is obviously a gay bar.
as the camera keeps on the door Rodney and albert storm out,albert looks in shock.
ALBERT.that place has certainly changed.
RODNEY.well i would hope it has,blkoody hell albert fancy taking us in a place like that.
ALBERT.it was del who said lets go in there.
RODNEY(stopping in his tracks)where is del?
rodney runs back in there and pushes past the man on the door,for the first time the camera shows the interior,del is stood
motionless with an look of utter horror on his face as two men have their arm round him
MAN 1.in saw him first.
MAN.no i saw him first,
RODNEY.bloody hell,sorry your both mistaken , he's with me,come on del.
MAN 1.oh you lucky bitch.
rodney reacts.
back on the high street again.
DEL.what you saw in theat bar is never to be mentioned again , you understand rodney.
RODNEY.yes for the last time i'll never mention it again.
DEL .good.
the trotters stop outside 'THE GOLDEN AGE'
RODNEY.here we go,this is more like it
ALBERT.thank gord for that im knackered.
THEY ENTER
INT.NIGHT THE GOLDEN AGE
we see del rodney and albert in the club,it is a nice place with tables and chairs set about spaciously,the music isnt too loud and
the lights are soft,there seems to be a lot of old people in there.
DEL .not many people our age rodney.
RODNEY.your wrong del,theres not ANY people our age.
DEL. .oh handsome ,first you take me in bloody gay land , now you bring me to pensioners paridise.
RODNEY.come on del,lets just go back to the b and b and get some sleep.
DEL .come on then,come on albe............wheres albert
RODNEY.he was just here.
we see albert on the dance floor dancing with a red haired lady of similair age.
DEL.look at that dirty old goat,
RODNEY.tell him we're going back to the hotel,he can get a taxi back if he wants to stay.
DEL.(shouting)oi,don juan,me and rodders are off back to the b and b,are you alright to get a taxi back if your staying.
albert winks
DEL.(to rodney)the sly old goat.come on then lets get back,we better sleep top and tail in the single bed rodney cuz albert might
need the double
they both laugh
RODNEY.its marvolous innit,i mean here we are,2 young,single,carefree good lookin men in our prime now heading back to our
beds alone.
DEL.i know,and theres our uncle,a geriatric war hero with a dopey white beard staying out late with some broad.
RODNEY.yep,its coming to something when your old uncle pulls and you dont,well uinless you count then two bandits earlier.
DEL.i mean it rodney im gonna bang you in a minute.
INT .NIGHT THE TROTTERS ROOM.
the room is in darkness except for the light from the moon,rodney and del are asleep in bed.
dels mobile rings.
del answers it.
DEL .hello................has he........ok,....yeah...........be there in 10 minutes.
del gets out of bed.
RODNEY.who was that.
DEL.it was that old sort albert was dancing with
RODNEY.did she tell you albert wont be home tonight?
DEL. no,she phoned to ask me to come and pick him up.
RODNEY.i thought he was gonna get a taxi back.
DEL .when i say pick him up rodney,i mean pick him up off his arse cuz he's fell over the daft old sod.
RODNEY(sitting upright,worried)is he alright,shall i phone a doctor?
DEL.thats a good idea,tell him to come quick cuz your uncle is as pissed as a fart.
EXT.DAY. LION HALL GOLF COURSE
It is a very nice stately home type hall with a long,wide gravel path leading into a car park,in front of the gates is a sign,it
reads,Lion Hall 18 hole golf course and members club,est 1955.
EXT.DAY. THE FIRST HOLE.
We see Del,Rodney and Ron,Ron is in full golf dress,rodney has his suit trousers on and a sleeveless shirt.Del is wearing a shirt
with the sleeves rolled up and he has has his trousers tucked in his socks.
RON.(placing his ball on the tee)Why did,nt your uncle Albert come Del.
DEL.cuz he's still in bed nursing an hang over.
RON.(taking out his club)You any good then Delboy?
DEL.you what? asking me if im any good at golf is like asking Paul Gascoigne if he's any good at....
RODNEY.(interupting)Ballet.
DEL.(forcing a laugh)Ballet! He's a laugh aint he?
Ron hits the ball,the camaera follows it down the green,we see a couple of men on a putting green to the right of the fairway.
DEL .not bad Ron my son.
Del puts his ball and tee down.
DEL .pass me a sand iron Rodney.
RON.A what? theres no such club as a sand iron Del,are you sure you've played this game before.
DEL .Course im sure, i love golf me,it was only last year that i was at gleneagles watching the open
.
Rodney reacts.
RON.Gleneagles ay?nice,i was at the Belfry for the Dunhill cup,You ever been to the Belfry DelBoy?
DEL.No,i dont like heights Ron,I prefer to watch it from the fairway.
Ron and Rodney react.
DEL(About to take his go)Right,get your binoculors out Ronny boy,this ones gonna go the distance.
Del hits it,We see a huge lump of earth missing where the tea was,Del,Rodney and Ron follow the flight of the ball to the right ,
Del has obviously sliced it.
DEL(shouting to the other players)Look out John
RON.Its four.
DEL.Is it?,dont time go quick when your having fun.
RODNEY.No,he means thats what your meant to shout when your ball is heading for another player(sarcasticly))Look out John!
DEL .yeah alright Rodney,enough of your lip,we did'nt come all this way to practice our bloody hole in ones did we, we came here
to do a deal for booze,so whats the plan Sunglasses?
Ron grabs the golf trolley and they head off down the fairway.
RON.Bring your van round the back of the pub about 4ish,its usually pretty quiet at that time,so you'll have no one bothering you
when your loading it up.
DEL.You hear that Rodders,take the van round the back of the pub at four-ish,its quiet then so you and Albert wont have any
problem loading up.
RODNEY .what do you mean me and albert wont have any trouble loading up,thats not fair.
DEL .Your right Rodney,your right,im sorry........Alberts to old for all that lifting lark,you'll have to do it yourself.
RODNEY.And what will you be doing?
DEL.well i'll be sorting the money out with Sunglasses wont I.
RON.Whats to sort out Delboy,you give me the 600,I give you the booze.
DEL .Yeah well i know that but you'll wanna count it wont ya?
RON.That'll take about 2 minutes.
DEL.good,you can help Rodney load the van.
EXT.DAY. BACK OF RONS PUB.
The van is backed up against the back gates of the pub,Ron,Albert(looking hung over) and Rodney are loading boxes on in a
human chain fashion,Del is watching.
DEL.ere,Ron,what you gonna do with the other half of that booze?
RON.sold it.
DEL .sold it?When i talked to you during the week you said you still had it.
RON.Yeah i did,some young bloke came and bought the rest a couple of hours ago,said he heard i was trying to get rid of it from
somone in a pub.
DEL. Thats good news then Ron my boy,your in the clear then.
RON.yep,lovely jubbly
Albert and Rodney react,as if to say,'thats where he got it from'
EXT.NIGHT. MOTORWAY.
We see the van heading back from southend,it passes a sign with London on it,indicating the Trotters are nearly home.
DEL .See Rodney,told you there was nothing to worry about,deal done,sorted,handsome little profit still to come.
RODNEY.Your gotta get mike to buy it off ya yet.
DEL.That'll be a doddle Rodney,Mike aint stupid,he can see what a good deal this is,he'll bite my hand off to get it.
ALBERT(still looking the worse for wear)You hope.
DEL.Look everythings gonna be cushty so stop going on, the pair of ya.
RODNEY.Shall we drop the sozzled sea urchin off at the flat before we go to the nags head.
DEL.Good idea,he looks like he's gonna throw up dont he?
EXT.NIGHT NAGS HEAD CAR PARK
Del and Rodney exit the van,Del opens the back doors,inside we see the boxes and crates of booze.
DEL .alright Rodney you be unloading it and i'll go do the bizzo with Mike.
RODNEY.oh,cheers Del.
We cut to inside the pub and we see Mike behind the bar,Mickey and Trig sit at a table.
MICKEY.Im buying a brand new telly in the morning Trig.
TRIGGER.yeah?,i need a new TV,mine blew up last night.
MICKEY.What did you do?
TRIGGER. listened to the radio.
Mickey reacts.
Del enters.
Mickey and Trig dont notice him.
DEL.Evening Micheal.
MIKE.Watcha Delboy,what you having?
DEL.Never mind all that now,Ive got a bit of bloody good bussiness for ya.
MIKE.No,forget it,Ive still got the rash from the last bit of bloody good bussiness i did with you.
DELCome on Mike ive already told ya,I bought that body wash as seen,how was i to know there had been a cock up at the
factory,Anyway,this is'nt any old deal.
MIKE.No?
DEL.No,what would you say if i told you that out there in your car park is nearly two grands worth of beers wines and spirits,and
you can have the lot for a grand? fill your celler up a treat,now is that a good deal ir is that a good deal.
MIKE.Yeah,it is a good deal,pity you did'nt come in a couple of hours ago Del,Ive just filled my celler with two grands worth of
booze,tell ya what?,come back in six months and i'll have it off ya
DEL(dejected)Six months! what am i meant to do with it till then?
MIKE.I dont know,open a pub like that old mate of yours,What was his name again, Sunglasses Ron?
DEL .Yeah i......(realising)ere,how did you know Sunglasses Ron opened a pub?
MIKE .Mickey pearce just told me,thats who i got the booze off of,he's just been down to southend and bought it of that
Sunglasses bloke,he had to get it out of southend by next week or something,did you hear about that?
DEL(deflated)Well i'd heard a rumour.
We see Mickey in the background leaving the pub sheepishly,Del notices him.
DEL .Oi,Mickey ,i want a bloody word with you.
Del chases him out of the spub,Mike reacts.
EXT. NIGHT. NAGS HEAD CAR PARK.
We see Rodney standing by the van,he has finished unloading.
We now see Mickey come round the corner backing away from Del.
MICKEY.Its just bussiness Delboy,you should know that.
DEL.(shouting)Just bussiness you leary little git,how did you find out about Ron and this deal?
MICKEY.Rodney told me.
Del gives Rodney a very dirty look
DEL(Shouting).You plonker,i told you not to say anyhting for this very reason.
RODNEY.Well how was i to know Mickey was to go down southend and buy the other bloody half,he aint even got a bike let alone
a van.
MICKEY.I borrowed Jevoms uncles transit,Look come on Del,like Mike said,He'll have it off ya in six months,so if you dont sell it
by then you can sell it to him.
DEL .Well im not selling it in six months.
MICKEY.No?
DEL .No,im selling it right now.
MICKEY.Yeah,who to?
DEL.You.
MICKEY.Why would i wanna buy that?
Del gets right up in Mickeys face,Rodney approaches too.
DEL(Menacingly)Because ive got a feeling you like your legs in the condition they are in.
Mickey looks scared,he looks to Rodney.
RODNEY.Come along Mickey dont be a prat,Like you said, Mike will have Em off you in six months.
Mickey takes the cash out of his pocket and hands it to Del.
DEL.Good boy Mickey,you know it makes sense,Come on Rodney lets go take Denzil his van back and pick up ours.
They start to leave.
MICKEY.How am i meant to get this lot home?
DEL.Borrow Jevoms uncles transit.
MICKEY.Yeah good idea,Rodney,be a mate and watch this booze while i go get it.
RODNEY.Sorry Mickey my son.Ive gotta get home and count my money.
Theyt get in the van and drive off,We cut back to Mickey,he is standing in front of loads of boxes of booze,he doesnt know what to
do,it starts to rain.
Trigger leaves the pub,Mickey spots him.
MICKEY.Ere Trig,do me a favour,stand here and watch this lot while i run to Jevoms uncles and pick the van up to put all this in.
TRIGGER.(checking watch)Sorry Mickey,Its gone nine,Im missing a good film on the telly.
MICKEY.hang on a minute,just a minute ago in the pub you said your TV blew up.
TRIGGER.It did,thats why im missing it..................Night Mickey.
Mickey reacts.
Trigger leaves shot
MICKEY(to himself)I could run to Jevoms uncles in a couple of minutes,this will be safe here.
Mickey sprints out of shot holding his hat,he goes the opposite way to Trig.
We see the booze,We then see Trig return to shot,He walks over to the booze picks up a case of vodka and leaves shot the way
he came.
THE END