The majority of men and women in the United Kingdom will possess knowledge and understanding of the behaviours that make their relationships fantastic. They will understand that these behaviours are in their control and noone else’s, perceive their acquisition to be desirable and normative, and invest time and money in developing relationship skills throughout their lives.
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The evidence base on what makes couple relationships work well is widely understood at all levels of literacy
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Across society, individuals – both men and women - are excited by their new understanding of how to make their relationships fantastic
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The demand for couple relationship information and support through the life cycle grows exponentially in all social groups
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Supply increases as entrepreneurs develop new products and services (and build on existing products and services) to meet public demand
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Wider understanding of how relationships operate stimulates effective functioning of the Big Society, with lay people becoming ‘relationship experts’ well equipped to help friends and family manage their relationships, and with some volunteering as relationship mentors/helpline operators etc.
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Based on a thorough understanding of the processes that sustain (and undermine) relationship satisfaction, more couples enter into marriage – and more of these marriages endure
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Based on a thorough understanding of the processes that sustain (and undermine) relationship satisfaction, some couples decide not to proceed to marriage

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
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Based on a thorough understanding of the processes that sustain (and undermine) relationship satisfaction and the importance of both parents in childr en’s lives, more men and women delay pregnancy until they are in a relationship which they judge to be positive and stable
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Public policies which currently undermine couple and family relationships by focusing primarily on the mother/child relationship. widen their focus to
2 include fathers systematically, and address couples as parents AND partners from the earliest stages of pregnancy
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The Coalition is seen to support marriage – but in a modern way – and without interfering in citizens’ lives.
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The Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister emerge as iconic figures as ‘partners and fathers’ which in fact comes naturally to them both
In the 1950s – the ‘good old days’ . . . Most couples married before becoming pregnant (and, if pregnant, married before the birth); divorce was rare and cohabitation before marriage almost unheard of. As a result ‘accidental’ couple relationship formation was a minority activity: most couples entered the relationship in which they would bear children purposefully at a transition-point that was easy to pin down . ‘Experts’ including clergy were on hand to provide information and support at the transition to marriage/cohabitation (the two mainly went together) – although of course such expert advice was of variable quality. Marriage was the portal through which this purposeful couple formation took place.
Currently . . .
in the Asian community, the purposeful element in couple relationship formation is still relatively widespread; and Christian churches commonly offer some form of ‘marriage preparation’. This, however, is generally very basic and rarely builds on the US pre-marriage programmes that have been found to reduce divorce rates and discourage illmatched or ‘not ready’ couples from marrying. In any case, focusing on marriage as the intervention point in the UK mainly misses the boat: women and men are both now over 30 when they first marry and have generally been in sexual relationships for more than a decade beforehand, with the majority of first children in the UK born outside marriage. Yet no-one has seriously explored

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org ways of reaching young couples as their relationships deepen - before childbearing
3 and/or marriage are on the cards.
Where couple relationships have been addressed through government-led initiatives such as the Couple Connection website, the focus is not on prevention but cure, with relationship ‘medicine’ prescribed for relationship ‘sickness’ - an approach which persists in the private sector. For example, the BBC website page http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/ which appears in second position on Google when the term ‘relationships’ is searched and purports to help readers ‘Build a good relationship by learning what makes you tick’ links only to a list of agencies that can support relationships in trouble.
Labour family policy has actively undermined couple relationships. Built on a
‘women’s independence’ model it focused not on the man/woman, father/mother relationship, but on the mother/child relationship. This has sidelined both fathers and the couple relationship in one fell swoop.
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In standard ante-natal education, couple relationship issues are rarely addressed, as is also the case in targeted services such as teenage pregnancy where engaging with the mother alone is the norm - even though
78% of births to teenage mothers are joint registered by father and mother together 1
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The Pregnancy Book published by DH and given to all new mothers contains no good information on couple relationships and addresses fathers in only 2 out of 100 pages
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Postnatally, the pattern continues: the recent Sure Start evaluation declared that it could not assess the programme’s impact on fathers since engagement with them was so rare. Couple relationships are not mentioned in the evaluation.
 ‘Parenting’ Orders are almost invariably made against the mother alone (even when, as happened recently, the father was actually in Court!) and fail to address the parents’ own relationship (even though there are proven links between children’s antisocial behaviour, parental conflict and father-absence).
1 There are materials in the Family Nurse Partnership manual to address some aspects of couple relationships, and these have been used effectively on occasion. However, staff in the recent wave of sites were not trained either in engaging fathers or in couple processes, and are reporting difficulties with both

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
 ‘Parenting courses’ (which are almost exclusively attended by mothers – not
4 because fathers are uninterested but because providers do not develop strategies to draw them in) focus, astonishingly, on improving the parenting skills of one parent which is far less effective than (a) engaging with both parents, and addressing parenting difficulties not simply through the application of mechanical ‘skills’ but through the ‘lens’ of the couple relationship
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A bevy of Serious Case Reviews have identified social workers’ failure to engage with the men in children’s lives (and, therefore, with the couple relationship and the men’s behaviour) as key to child abuse and even deaths.
 ‘Big Society’ support provided by grandparents is far more often provided by maternal than paternal grandparents both in intact and separated families.
That is, the networks of support attaching to a father are far less often drawn on by families than the networks of support attaching to a mother. Similarly, social workers are far less likely to investigate potential support from a father’s parents (i.e. paternal grandparent) than from a mother’s
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The type of grandparent least likely to provide support to grandchildren is a grandfather who separated from his children’s mother (i.e. their grandmother).
Such men are also less likely than other older people to receive support from their adult children as they enter old age.
What is interesting, however, is that the last Administration’s very public focus on
‘parenting’ (even though in practice this turned out to be ‘mothering’) seems to have helped to raise awareness that good parenting skills can be learned even while it attracted condemnation as nanny stage interference. There is evidence that parenting quality is improving; and latterly, private sector players have entered the market with initiatives such as TV’s Supernanny. These not only reach all social classes but have been exported across the world. Can the new Administration raise the stakes on couple relationships to a similar or greater extent – and in ways that empower rather than patronise?
Everyone, men and women alike, wants to be in a rewarding and long-lasting love relationship; and most girls and boys are in sexual partnerships from a relatively young age. Most plan to marry and many do. So far so good. But what is go vernment’s role, if any, in this intensely private sphere?

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
Firstly - what will happen if the new Administration does nothing? Given that the
Coalition has thrown its hat into the ring on the subject of marriage ‘doing nothing’
5 does not seem to be an option. Unless it is to be widely seen as out of step and old fashioned, the Administration must demonstrate an understanding of what will make marriages succeed or fail. And it must demonstrate that it is not just marriage but (to borrow the American term) ‘Smart Marriage’ that it is talking about.
The aim of any development work in this arena, whether seed funded by government or the private sector, and whether ‘owned’ by volunteers, the voluntary sector and/or entrepreneurs must be to put people in charge of their own relationships. To do this we need to understand what they want and what they know, and what will inspire and empower them to take charge. We also need to identify and work with the life transitions which are known to put couple relationships under particular strain.
Clearly, we must start before childbearing, with a view to empowering couples to enter into pregnancies only when both partners are truly ready. For young men that may include a perspective that is currently never presented to them: as fathers, they are of such crucial importance in the lives of their children, that the timing of pregnancy to their own, as well as their partner’s, agenda, is crucial.
2
Without some kind of ‘Smart Marriage’ campaign, women’s magazines and agony aunts will touch on ‘what makes marriages succeed or fail’ from time to time, as they already do. However, this is insufficient to bring about a cultural shift, and fails to engage one half of the couple – men. Meanwhile the current focus that health, education and family services put on the mother-child relationship will, without intervention by this Administration, continue to sideline couple relationships through side-lining fathers; relationship support will continue to address relationship breakdown too late – when relationships that might have been saved or might never have got into trouble in the first place, have broken down; and fathers and paternal grandparents will fail to provide anything like the same degree of support to their children and grandchildren as mothers and maternal grandparents.
2 This is a more positive presentation of the ‘responsible fatherhood’ initiative which has been prevalent in America, and is likely to be more effective – though this would need to be tested before rolled out

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
6
In foregrounding ‘Smart Marriages/Strong Families’ (or whatever it is ultimately dubbed), the Administration will present as consistent and realistic and will grandstand the wonderful body of knowledge about couple relationships which has been understood by academics for more than 15 years and which, if widely applied, really can strengthen and improve couple relationships both in and outside marriage.
These processes include the ratio of positives/negatives that predict relationship satisfaction/stability; the communication processes that help couples ‘argue better’
(i.e. avoiding harsh start ups, stonewalling etc.), the role of attributions and how these can be modified; which aspects of ‘compatibility’ really matter; how sex functions as relationship-glue; how a baby can drive couples apart – or hold them together, the links between negative life events and separation (and how to use the negative life events to strengthen the relationship), and so on.
Initiatives could include:
5.1 Stimulate processes to address the under-30s
Since addressing couples before they embark on childbearing is crucial, an important thrust may be to stimulate supply and demand among younger age groups. An appropriate Founder Sponsor(s) keen to engage with government and interested in the youth market (a Bank targeting the student market; a student accommodation provider; a university; graduate recruitment; dating agencies, Digital Media specialists) may be willing to sponsor a competition for men and women under age 30 who have knowledge and understanding of how to address their contemporaries. The brief will be to develop a strategy for engaging with the under 30s on couple relationships. As part of this, it may prove useful to consult with this age group on:

their aspirations as partners and future parents
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what they understand and believe about couple relationship processes

how they respond when some of these are outlined to them

where they currently turn for help

what kinds of support they would value

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
A literature review may also prove useful and could be included in a report
7 which is then published. Entrepreneurs would be encouraged to look at this with a view to ‘making a business’ from it. Possibly seed this if necessary
(though no seed funding may be necessary) from the Big Society Bank, or again identify a Founder Sponsor(s)
5.2 Stimulate the development of initiatives in a free market to address couples and their relationships at key transition points
These transition points could include
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moving in together
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marriage
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ante-natal
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early parenthood
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first child entering school
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first child entering high school (couple relationships are often most severely tested when the first child becomes a teenager)
 separation/divorce (the focus of any initiative under our ‘Smart marriages’ banner that relates to this transition must be to manage the ongoing parents’ relationship once they are parenting apart)
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new family formation (second/third marriages/relationships break down more frequently than first marriages/relationships, when either partner brings children from a previous relationship)
The initiatives could:
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inform or assist
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be directed at couples for their own use or to build an army of lay relationship experts
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be in the form of written materials
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be available online
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operate via telephone helplines
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function face to face (groups or couples)
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be culturally specific
Funding could be through:

couples pay (couples are already willing to pay for NCT services which address the birth and indicate in evaluations that focus on the couple relationship/early parenting would be more valuable)
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newly freed-up local authorities act as pilot local authorities/neighbourhood groups for targeted provision – or buy places on courses provided by others

pilots are invited and funded/part funded by the Big Society bank (or the government’s network of entrepreneurs or through entrepreneurs already operating/seeing opportunities in the market place

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
8

those with a good business model may not need funding support but may need government to dismantle barriers to the development of this work, such as in ante-natal

faith communities may want to enter this market and may fund their own initiatives.
Assessment criteria for the pilots could include:

target markets (age, cultural backround, SES) are clearly identified

couples, not individuals, are addressed

the material used or included has a proven evidence base (e.g. from the Gottmans’ ‘Love Lab’ in the US) 3

strategies for engaging with men are clearly outlined, both in terms of drawing men in and providing an experience which satisfies them and meets their needs (too often, interventions only reach women and/or impact positively on their satisfaction
– which, evaluation has shown, severely compromises their effectiveness)

where the couple are addressed as parents or prospective parents, co-parenting from pregnancy onwards must be a significant element in the intervention

dissemination/utilization must be at the heart of the project, not an afterthought
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a good business model must be provided: although seed funding may help at the very beginning, entrepreneurs must show they can attract subsidy and/or survive in a commercial market place
As outlined earlier, the current pervasive prioritising of the mother-child relationship by public services presents a serious barrier to engaging with fathers and with couple relationships. This is an area which the
Administration can legitimately tackle without being accused of meddling in private lives – and it is actually about services becoming less prescriptive than at present.
4 Each sector needs to be looked at, with training in including men AND addressing couple relationships prioritised in university courses and pre-registration training in, for example, health visiting, midwifery (the
RCM has recently identified this as a priority) and social work, and included in
CPD in health, education and family services.
3 John Gottman, author of WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL, is one of the major researcher s examining ‘marital processes’ and how these contribute to success/failure in couple relationships
4 The Gender Equality Duty in the Equality Act (currently being implemented) in fact requires public services to address gender issues in all service delivery. In children and family services this is mostly being flouted.

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
The process can begin, with a cross-departmental working group identifying
9 opportunities: these will include the review of social work training, and the new national Resource Kit for ante-natal education currently being written by a consortium comprising One Plus One, the National Childbirth Trust and the
Fatherhood Institute. Voluntary organisations including the Fatherhood
Institute, National Family Mediation, Relate, the Tavistock Centre for Couple
Relationships and One Plus One are well placed to provide training and support for this re-visioning of public services - which could prove one of the
Coalition’s most important legacies.
5.4 A No 10 ‘breakfast brainstorm’: In order to generate publicity and as a talking point for the launch of 5.1, 5.2 and/or 5.3 above, as well as to clinch sponsorship and support for the programme, the Prime Minister hosts a breakfast for business leaders and other key players interested in signing up to promote strong and intelligent couple relationships. This may be seen as a strategy in repairing Broken Britain or developing the Big Society, if either of these themes is to be pursued. The event will be open to the television cameras and invitees will include those who know how to reach young people
(see 5.1 above). Invitations will be extended to some among the government’s network of investors/contacts including for instance Google and
News International. Also approached will be companies interested in developing better connections with government and for whom this initiative is a brandfit, such as IKEA (‘home is the most important place in the world’), 5
Barratts/other major home builders; communications companies (Nokia’s strapline is ‘Connecting people, but Vodafone/O2 might both be interested), as well as commercial providers who already ‘deal’ in couple relationships: online dating agencies (some of whom base their compatibility inventories on validated measures from the academic world) including the Asian ‘partner finder’ services; existing providers of ‘luxury weekends’ for expectant parents, and so on. Health providers, particularly those who manufacture or distribute 6 contraceptives and pregnancy testing kits.might also be interested (although it is crucial to avoid a ‘relationship sickness’ model).
5 IKEA is notoriously tricky to engage with but the brand fit is so fantastic that they might be worth pursuing
6 A major pharmacy chain?

Adrienne Burgess, Head of Research, The Fatherhood Institute
07747 145146 a.burgess@fatherhoodinstitute.org
The Breakfast could look at possibilities for competitive tender for entrepreneurial proposals to increase both supply and demand in engaging
10 both men and women in developing skills to manage their own relationships and/or become relationship experts, to offer support to other people, including family and friends. There may be a television tie up. DRAGONS DEN may invite submissions. Independent Television companies may spot opportunities. Some commercial organisations may offer free promotion of paid-for premium information including ‘Clever Cupid’ facts about choosing the right partner or maintaining good relationships. These may also be of interest to major employers as materials/services to promote s in their own settings – via company Intranets perhaps. And who knows whether a flatpack furniture manufacturer might include such material with their products – or even develop a ‘build your own relationship’ flat-pack!