THE VETERINARY SIDE SHOW
(Abbreviated, from a brilliant script by Jennifer Stone)
Ring Master:
Hur-ree, Hur-ree
Step right up…
Step right up…
See the veterinary side show with FEATS THAT WILL
AMAZE YOU. Thrill to the daring do THAT IS veterinary
medicine!
We will RAZZLE DAZZLE you with charm, STUN you with our
MEDICAL PROWESS and astonish you with our versatility!!!
Don’t miss the chance to experience this amazing
demonstration!!!
Step right up!
Step right up!
Planted Audience
Member:
Why would I want to see that? All veterinarians do is give
shots to kittens and puppies and pet them all day long… HOW
BORING!
Ring Master:
That is where you are wrong young (man/lady). The
veterinarian performs many amazing – EVEN DEATH
DEFYING – feats every day. Come on in and be enlightened –
if you dare!!!
(Hopefully there will be platforms for each “tableau” or some other way to
isolate the performances of each ‘career’ demonstration.)
Ring Master:
It is true that many veterinarians play with kittens and
puppies…
(2 Vanna White – type people have a sheet or screen that they move aside
presenting the first tableau of a vet wearing full lab coat, stethoscope,
glasses, etc. juggling small stuffed dogs and cats – perhaps beanie baby size.)
Ring Master:
But this is not all that cat and dog veterinarians do! They also
treat very sick animals and SAVE THE LIVES of Countless
family pets! They examine healthy pets to make sure they
stay healthy and they vaccinate pets against disease to be
sure we all stay healthy. Sometimes they even do surgery on
animals to make them healthy again.
SPEAKING OF THE MIRACULOUS SKILL OF SURGERY…..
(Vannas move aside another screen/sheet revealing second tableau which is a
table with a LARGE stuffed dog... the vet is finishing an incision to the
abdomen. Sticks arm in as deep as possible and begins to fish around.)
Small Animal Vet:
Zounds! This puppy ate something that really should not have
been eaten. What have we here… goodness, goodness!
(begins pulling things out beginning with old really dirty
socks.) I can’t believe he thought this was tasty! (As the
screen/sheet rolls back he continues to pull out other things.)
Ring Master:
I know this will SHAKE YOUR VERY BRAIN…. But cats and
dogs are not the only pets that need care. BEHOLD THE
ASTOUNDING EQUINE VET!
(Vannas move the screen/sheet to reveal the equine vet – perhaps working on a
hobby horse of some kind.)
Equine Vet:
I’m the horse doc… I always check their teeth and their ears
when I do a physical exam… watch if you dare… (checks
teeth and ears and eyes) I also must carefully check their
feet because horses have many foot problems. (tries to look
for feet and makes embarrassed and sheepish noises when
he/she sees no feet.)
Ah, but the reason I am such a dedicated doctor is because
people love to ride healthy horses… (mounts hobby horse,
dons cowboy hat and begins to “ride” off.)
Ring Master:
Ah yes, but the BIGGEST SECRET maintained by
veterinarians down through the ages has been the fact that
pet health is not their only job. They use their extraordinary
science knowledge and medical prowess in other astounding
ways….
(Vannas roll away screen/sheet showing a vet playing with glass beakers and
has a microscope and a seething basin of something – warm water, dish soap
and dry ice.)
Researcher:
Greetings! I am the researcher veterinarian that discovers
how animals actually function so the pet doctors and others
can do their work.
I am the MOST important vet…. I will eventually rule the
world! (little maniacal laugh) I discover how animals function
inside and I develop medicines to help them stay healthy! I
also discover what made them sick in the first place! Ah, ha!
I develop drugs that cure illnesses no one would ever have
thought would go away! I even work on ways to prevent the
universally feared BIOTERRORISM! I AM ALL POWERFUL!!!
(maniacal laugh)
(Vannas hurriedly put screen back)
Ring Master:
Our next veterinarian is an UNSUNG HERO performing feats
of DERRING DO that result in the food and other products
that keep pets and farm animals and even zoo animals living
and thriving…. BEHOLD THE MIGHTY INDUSTRY VET!!!
(Vannas role back screen/sheet to reveal a mild, meek soul standing at a table
with bags of animal food – something students will recognize.)
Industry Vet:
(has a meek, kind of Fred Rogers demeanor) Hello, young
folks! I am a veterinarian and I do research and sometimes
EVEN sales for a pet food company. I know what kinds of
food elements are most effective for good nutrition for all
kinds of animals and my scientific knowledge and experience
allows me to come up with all kinds of wonderful products!!!
My work helps keep your pets’ teeth clean and sparkling and
(as says this dissolves into a horrible, distasteful face) even
keeps cats from coughing up those disgusting hair balls. Now
there is a major piece of work.
The best part of my job, however, is the taste testing….
(pours what looks like cat food into a bowl and begins to
munch and smile and make mmmmmmm noises.)
(Vannas move screen/sheet back quickly looking a bit alarmed.)
Ring Master:
Uh, huh….. well I warned you there would be AMAZING
FEATS!
Let’s not forget the COURAGEOUS, PLUCKY veterinarians
who seek a life working with exotic animals in the wild parts
of the world or even at our local zoos! These are
AUDACIOUSLY BRAVE docs….
(Vannas move screen/sheet revealing doctor in lab coat and pitch helmet with
stethoscope and pop gun)
Zoo Vet:
(Using a stage whisper voice) I am the veterinarian who works
at the zoo. We try to simulate the natural habitat of the
exotic animals we capture to live here. We tend to their
medical needs and sometimes in order to do that I must shoot
them in the butt (stops and smiles and points gun into the
crowd) with a tranquilizer gun so I am in no danger as I work
on them. I am THE MOST IMPORTANT REPRESENTATIVE
OF THE VETERINARY PROFESSION BECAUSE I AM
GUARDING THE ECOSYSTEM OF ALL CREATURES!!! Aha! I
think I see a zebra I am doing surgery on today over there
(looks into the crowd and points his gun.
(Vannas quickly move the screen/sheet back.)
Ring Master:
Well, that ends our STUPENDOUS TOUR of the
UNBELIEVABLE WORLD OF VETERINARY MEDICINE (a
voice comes from behind the screen… “Hey, what about
me???? A green coveral clad, stethoscope wearing food
animal vet comes from behind the screen.)
Ring Master:
(Trying to ignore the food animal vet) AS I SAID, THIS
ENDS OUR STUPENDOUS TOUR…..
Food Animal Vet:
(Kind of irate) HEY! Just because most people don’t think
about who keeps the food animals healthy and safe because
they live in the city and don’t see many food animals doesn’t
mean we aren’t important! How about those pigs, and dairy
cows and beef cattle and chickens….
Ring Master:
(shouting over the food animal vet) FEEL FREE TO ASK
QUESTIONS OF ANY OF OUR AMAZING VETERINARY
DOCTORS… THEY ARE AT THE OTHER DOOR… GLAD YOU
CAME.
Food Animal Vet:
HEY! You can’t ignore me! Try to wake up without bacon and
eggs for the rest of your life… or what if the meat for that
McDonald’s hamburger was diseased or what about that
JUICY Steak for weekend barbeque…. yeah, yeah….. I AM
THE MOST IMPORTANT VET OF ALL!!!!!!!
Ring Master:
(Shouting over the food animal vet) THANKS FOR COMING.
LEAVE BY THE REAR DOOR… QUESTIONS ARE
WELCOME…..
The Ring Master and the Vannas help everyone leave and keep the Food Animal
Vet away from them. Handouts about careers in veterinary medicine are
handed out at the back door.
Materials:
(1) gaudy costume for ring master
(2) sheet/screen that can be pulled across the ‘stage’
(3) small stuffed kittens and puppies (beanie babies?)
(4) white lab coat
(5) stethoscope
(6) very large stuffed dog
(7) (fake) scalpel
(8) white latex exam gloves
(9) old dirty socks
(10) other strange things for a dog to have eaten
(11) hobby horse
(12) cowboy hat
(13) glass beakers
(14) food coloring
(15) microscope
(16) dish soap
(17) dry ice
(18) bags of pet food
(19) small bowl
(20) pitch helmet
(21) pop gun
(22) green coveralls
(23) handouts on careers in veterinary medicine
Veterinary Side Show - Sign-Up Sheet
Ring Master
Planted Audience Member
Vanna 1
Vanna 2
Small Animal Vet
Equine Vet
Researcher
Industry Vet
Zoo Vet
Food Animal Vet