TOPIC 6: MANAGING CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
OBJECTIVES
By the end of this session participants will have:
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Understood the meaning of conflict.
Known some of the causes of marriage conflicts.
How to resolve marriage conflicts.
What is conflict?
The word conflict comes from the Latin word conflict which means Altercation.
Conflicts, disagreements and problems in working together will always occur both among
children and adults.
Therefore conflict is defined as disagreements or differences between individuals. In
other words it means a misunderstanding of interest or rights between two or more
individuals.
Conflicts can occur in all levels of society; between individuals in families, work groups,
in local and central decision making in society as a whole. There are different reasons
why conflicts occur, for example different goals, values or interests, misunderstanding of
situations , unsatisfied needs. To live with unsolved conflicts takes energy and may cause
people to feel burdened and divided. Because of this, it is important not to shut one’s eyes
to conflicts. Instead, one should try to understand the causes of the conflict and its effects
and then try to influence or resolve the conflict.
The relationship between husband, wife, children, close relatives and friends help
everyone achieve their goals while maintaining their good relationships as well. The
process of working through differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy
both parties’ concerns. But if parties are not in good relationship then conflict will
develop.
The common causes of conflict in marriage are due to differences in interests, rights,
values, unmet emotional needs, children issues, in-laws, financial matters and if handled
carelessly can result to divorce, separation, death, loss of property, physical body
impairment.
All the above can be grouped in two that include; Internal conflicts involves financial
constrain, sexual dissatisfaction, religious differences and External conflicts are influence
from in-laws, friends etc.
Common causes of conflict in marriage
Married couples get into conflicts with one another. Successful marriage is dependent on
many factors, Once such factors which is so often ignored is to understands the common
cause of marital conflict.
Conflicts or arguments are part and parcel of human relationship. Very few couples don’t
argue at all, while most of us have our little disagreements. But it is when these
disagreements blow up into repetitive arguments involving violence and abuse (mental
and physical) the marriage problems start.
Recognizing why these causes of marital conflicts arise is very important for both
partners, as it is the first step towards resolving differences and having a more stable
family life.
We can group them as static and dynamic factors, static factors are to do with personality
and background that one bring into marriage whereas dynamic factors are focus to
interaction and human relation
Grouped as static factors
Grouped as dynamic factors
 Tendency to react strongly and or
 Negativity in communication or
defensively
poor communication
 Having negative/pessimistic out
 Having diverse and unrealistic
look on life.
attitudes and demand
 Having children out side marriage
 Low level of commitment to one
another.
 Having different religious back
grounds
 Non-performance of duties and
non-fulfillment of
 Poor relationship with in laws
 Different perceptions on priorities
 Lack children
and lack of handling the issues
jointly.
 Lack of humor, fun and privacy.
 Judgment and unmet expectations
 Lack of quality time together serves
to get people out of harmony
 Bad external advice, friends and
relatives
 Financial challenges
Effects of Conflicts in Marriage
The effects of conflicts in marriage vary from temporary, short term and long term
effects.
The following are the common ones among different communities.
Short term pictures
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Divorce and Separation
Low self esteem and low
assertiveness personalities
School dropout
Child and wife neglect
Witchcraft
Loss of property
Sexual pervasiveness like rape,
incest, defilement, masturbation,
homosexuality.
Long term effects
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Family division
Death
Adultery,
polygamy,
single
parenthood and concubine.
Stress, Post stress traumatic
disorder
Crime delinquency
Smoking,
Drug
abuse
and
Alcoholism
Street children
Poverty
SOLVING CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
To openly accept conflicts requires courage and willpower. There are many reasons
why people choose to suppress understanding of a conflict. Here are some ways of
thinking that suppress conflicts:
 There is no possibility to make things better.
 I can get in trouble if I try to interfere.
 It is best not to think about it.
 Am I really able to do something about it?
 Perhaps I am the only person who feels that something is wrong.
 Some one else will do something about it.
Key issues in resolving conflict
 Accept the reality
 Accept the responsibility
 Understand your partner
 Change the way you communicate
 Sit down and talk
 Know yourself
 Create more time together
 Fall in love with your partner again and again
 Forgive and forget
 Settle before going to bed otherwise the be will be too small
Biblical teaching and counsel on conflict resolution
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Don’t just let conflicts go hoping that some how problem will just solve itself or
go away (Ephesians 4:26) don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.
Be a peace maker- working hard to live in peace with your mate rather than
enjoying to stir up trouble and conflict (Romans 12:16-18, Hebrews 12:14, James
3:17-18).
Accept to your partner in the Lord as he has made him/her, also accept both their
strengths and weaknesses (Romans 15:7) but also be willing to change in order to
remove the source of the rubbing or aggravation that sets stage for many conflicts/
tensions.
Listen to one another (Proverbs 8:32-34) be wise and accept corrections from one
another. See (Proverbs 12:1,15:5,32) if living on with the attitude on a particular
issue, im right and he/she is wrong or he/she is the one who must change.
Confess your sins to one another, forgiving one another- conflicts are often
caused by sinful attitudes, words and actions( lack of trust and consideration ) the
path to healing and reconciliation is through confessing sins and asking/giving
forgiveness , Luke17:3-4, James5:16- I was wrong forgive me are among the
most powerful words in human relationships leading to harmony and happiness.
Clearly define the problem. Clarify what the actual conflict is first. Thus, see if
there is any other reason this here proverbs 13:10.
Be honest in your statement and questions. Honesty needs to be accurate, rather
than agreement or perfection. ( Ephesians 4:15, Proverbs 12:19 ).
Never threaten to withdraw love proverbs 28:25
Don’t use the silent treatment. Nothing gets solved this way pro verb 3:27
Don’t confront when you are angry or stressed out ( cool your jets )
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Control your hands and tongue. Never use sarcasm or physical violence,
proverbs 15:12-28
Summary note
Recognize that we all bring with us into our marriage a certain mind set regarding
conflicts (good or bad or normal?) influenced by experiences in formative years,
for example parents who were forever fighting and arguing- conflicts may be
associated with pain and sadness, ever fear (eg hurting one another, break up of
parents’ marriage etc) such folk will have a natural tendency to run from and
avoid conflict in marriage and in other relationships at any cost ( sometimes using
scriptures to justify their fight from dealing with conflicts as normal but also their
partner will need to understand the deep emotional pain whenever a conflict
arises.
Work to find root causes of conflicts rather than just talking about or treating
symptoms (e.g. conflicts over spending finances- possible root issues) selfishness,
compulsive, need to plan together/work on family budget.
Beware of the connection between conflicts and our differences; differences
between male and female, differing values and belief systems rooted in different
family values and priorities also differences in our spiritual and emotional
maturity (immature and wanting to control vs mature and settled/not easily
threatened) all of us are on learning curve and need to give your partner much
grace rather than condemning.