HSC ISLAM
Sexual Ethics
A selection of documents pertaining to sexual ethics and
issues related to sexuality in Islam.
Mark
6/16/2008
2
An Islamic Perspective on Sexuality
In Islam, sexuality is considered part of our identity as human beings. In His creation of
humankind, God distinguished us from other animals by giving us reason and will such that we
can control behavior that, in other species, is governed solely by instinct. So, although sexual
relations ultimately can result in the reproduction and survival of the human race, an instinctual
concept, our capacity for self-control allows us to regulate this behavior. Also, the mere fact that
human beings are the only creatures who engage in sexual relations once they are beyond the
physical capacity for reproduction, sets us apart from all other species which engage in sex for
the sole purpose of reproduction.
Marriage
For Muslims, based on an understanding of Qur'an and hadith, sexual relations are confined to
marriage between a wife and husband. Within this context, the role of a healthy sexual
relationship is extremely important. Having and raising children are encouraged among Muslims.
Once a child is born, the parents are expected to care for, nurture and prepare the child for
adulthood, with a goal of imparting Islam so that the indivdual is equipped with knowledge and
willingness to accept and practice Islam and thus become a productive member of society.
Beyond childbearing, sexual relations assume a prominent role in the overall well-being of the
marriage. In reading hadith, one is impressed with the Prophet's ability to discuss all issues
including those dealing with human sexuality. The topics range from questions about
menstruation to orgasm. He apparently was not embarassed by such inquiries, but strove to
adequately guide and inform the Muslims who asked. Both Qur'an and hadith allude to the nature
of sexual relations as a means of attaining mutual satisfaction, closeness and compassion
between a wife and husband. "Permitted to you on the night of the Fasts is the approach to your
wives. They are your garments and you are their garments."(2:187) Also, Muslims are advised to
avoid sexual intercourse during menses so as not to cause discomfort to the woman (2:222).
The goal of marriage is to create tenderness between two individuals and satisfy the very basic
human need for companionship. "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates
from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and
mercy between you; in this are signs for those who think."(30:21) The hadith which address this
issue are numerous. The Prophet himself, while not divulging all aspects of his own sexual life,
was known for his nature as a loving husband who was sensitive and physically demonstrative.
In several hadith, he speaks about the importance of foreplay and speaking in loving terms
during sexual relations. Again, the concept of mutual satisfaction is elucidated in a hadith which
advises husbands to engage in acts that enable a woman to achieve orgasm first. (see Ihya ulumid-din (Revival of Religious Learning) by Imam Ghazzali, chapter on Marriage). Sexual
dissatisfaction is considered legitimate grounds for divorce on the part of either wife or husband.
Sex Outside of Marriage
3
Naturally, attraction between individuals is necessary to initiate a relationship that leads to
marriage. But sexual relations can obviously take place between any couple, consenting or not.
Because of the far-reaching ramifications of sexual relations outside of marriage, Muslims are
prohibited by God from such behavior. And because the process that leads to physical attraction
and ultimately intimacy is part of human nature, Muslims are advised to behave in a way and
avoid circumstances that could potentially result in extra- or pre-marital sex. Modesty in dress
and behavior between women and men figures prominently as a means of exhibiting self-control.
Similarly, unmarried couples are admonished against spending time alone in isolated places
where they would be more likely to act on their feelings and thus be less inhibited.
Some of the negative results of sex outside of marriage include the potential for unwanted
pregnancies, transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, disruption of the family and marriage
(in cases of adultery), and emotional and psychological difficulties resulting from the lack of
commitment associated with most relationships outside of marriage. As in other religions, extraand pre-marital sex are considered major sins. Muslims believe that God does not simply forbid
or allow behavior whimsically, but does so with our best interest at heart, guiding us away from
potentially destructive behavior and towards behavior that allows us to achieve our most
fulfilling potentials as human beings. For a similar reason, Muslims give up the consumption of
alcohol because of faith in God's wisdom that the negative effects outweigh the positive for
individuals and society at large. "Whoever submits his whole self to God, and is a doer of good,
has grasped indeed the most trustworthy handhold..."{(31:22)
Contraception
Although Muslims are encouraged to have children, contraception is not prohibited. The method
used during the time of the Prophet was coitus interruptus (known as 'azl) about which several
hadith exist. His basic response when asked if such a practice was lawful was that individuals
can do as they will, but if God intends for a child to be born, she/he will be born. Some
interpreted this to mean that preventing pregnancy is not recommended because child-bearing is
preferred; yet the act is not specifically prohibited. Also, other hadith stipulate that 'azl could not
be practiced without the wife's consent as it might interfere with her sexual satisfaction or desire
to bear children.
By analogy, the methods that exist today as contraceptives are lawful for Muslims to use at their
discretion. Basically, it is our position that any method that does not involve pregnancy
termination is permissible. Imam al-Ghazzali (see previous reference) lists a number of
legitimate reasons for practicing contraception, including financial difficulty, emotional or
psychological hardship of having many children, and even the preservation of beauty and health.
It should be clear from this discussion, that since sexual relations should be confined to marriage,
contraception is so limited. It is not considered a means of easing the difficulties associated with
sexual relations outside of marriage.
Abortion
4
Abortion is viewed in the same context as having relevance only regarding pregnancies
occurring in marriage, again, not as a response to conception as a result of extra- or pre-marital
relationships. Early Muslim jurists considered abortion lawful for a variety of reasons until 40 120 days after conception (first trimester). This was based on interpretation of Qur'an (22:4 and
23:12-14) and hadith that implied that ensoulment or 'life' did not exist until after that time (see
Sex and Society in Islam, B.F. Musallam, Cambridge University Press, 1983). Contemporary
thinkers, considering available technology that allows visualization of the embryonic heartbeat at
four weeks of gestation, are of the position that life begins much earlier than previously thought,
and therefore to terminate would be to take a life illegally.
The majority of Muslims today believe that abortion is allowed only if the mother's life is
significantly endangered by the pregnancy. Some also feel that the presence of certain congenital
anomalies (particularly those that are lethal) make abortion lawful. Also, some scholars consider
abortion appropriate in pregnancies resulting from rape or incest.
Homosexuality
Human beings are capable of many forms of sexual expression, orientation and identification.
The existence of such a variety again is not found in any other species and thus further
demonstrates our uniqueness among God's creations. The potential for behavior, such as
homosexuality, does not mean that its practice is lawful in the eyes of God. Therefore,
individuals are expected to control themselves and not act on their desires if such action is
contrary to the guidelines of Islam. Homosexuality, like other forms of sexual relations outside
of heterosexual marriage, is thus prohibited. In any discussion of prohibited acts follows the
question of what happens if they nevertheless occur. The Qur'an and hadith are explicit regarding
severe punishment by the State if a person is convicted of such a crime. However, in order for
conviction to take place, the individuals must confess or be accused by at least four eyewitnesses
of the act of actual intercourse. Obviously, the likelihood of these criteria being met is small
which means that most couples who engage in unlawful acts will not be punished by the State.
They will then deal with the consequences of their behavior in this life and will be accountable to
God on the Day of Judgement. How He ultimately judges is known only by Him.
Sex Education
Clearly, from the above discussion, Islam is explicit about many aspects of human sexuality.
Also, based on the numerous hadith showing the Prophet's willingness to discuss these matters
openly, it should be obvious that education about matters related to sex is acceptable. Muslims
may disagree about the age at which sex education begins; some don't discuss the subject at all.
Explaining anatomy and the changes one's body experiences during puberty are essential for
enabling young people to grow up with a healthy self-image. Also, in an age where sexual
activity in many countries begins at an early age, Muslim adolescents must be informed to better
enable them to deal with peer pressure. Sex education can be taught in a way that informs young
people about sexuality in scientific and moral terms. In countries with very diverse populations,
such as the United States, the main limitation in developing sex education curricula, particularly
in public schools, is the inability to select a universally acceptable moral position. Therefore,
young people are given facts and information, and advised that if they choose to engage in sexual
5
relationships, they should take measures to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
The moral and religious aspects of sexuality can be incorporated either in schools of a particular
religious denomination or in adjunctive coursework offered by religious institutions. Regardless
of the challenges of each society, young people must be adequately informed. Also, in some
Muslim communities, individuals are encouraged to marry at young ages. They need to be
educated regarding sexuality prior to the marriage such that they know what to expect and can
consider their options for birth control prior to consummating the marriage.
Female Genital Mutilation
The practice of clitoridectomy preceded the introduction of Islam in Arabia and in different parts
of Africa. This results in severe sexual debilitation of women, who cannot possibly achieve
sexual fulfillment -- which is their right as Muslims. Therefore, this practice is totally unIslamic
because it is in direct violation of both Qur'an and hadith, which clearly stress the importance of
sexual satisfaction for both the husband and wife.
September 1995
copyright (c)1996 Muslim Public Affairs Council
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Sexual Ethics
Sex is the ultimate expression of love and is a total physical and emotional encounter. In a brief
but beautiful expression the Quran refers, to this relation between husbands and wives saying:
"They are your garments and you are their garments." (2:187)
The sexual unison between husband and wife is more than seeking a relief from the urge of
desire. Indeed the prophet taught that it is one of the charities in Islam. He said to his companions,
enumerating examples of charitable deeds :
"And when the one of you makes love (has sex) it is a rewardable charity. "
His companions were surprised and asked him' 'How come the one of us answers the urge of his
desire and out of this gets the reward of a charity. To which the prophet answered:
Don't you see that if he does the same but in a forbidden situation it would be counted against him
as a sin? And so if he does it in legitimacy it is counted for him as a charity." (Muslim)
The sexual relation is a very special relation between consorts, and should be accorded the
privacy it deserves. It is not befitting that either of them divulges this aspect of their life to anyone.
The prophet peace be upon him emphasizes this ethic in the strongest terms. He said:
"Amongst the lowest grades of people before God on the day of judgement, is the man going to
his wife (and making sex) and she going to him: then either of them divulging their common
secret." (Abu Said)
Addressing a gathering of men and women the prophet looked to the men and said: "Would it be
that the one of you locks his door and draws his curtains and seeks his need (sex) from his
consort: and later when he goes out he talks to his friends about it?" He then turned to the
women and said' 'Would it be that the one of you locks her door and draws her curtains and seeks
her need from her consort: and later when she goes out she talks to her women friends about it?
There was an air of admitting silence and a woman said It happens apostle of God. The prophet
said: 'Never do that Or it would be like a male devil who encountered a female devil and copulated
with her out in the middle of the road and then left her and went away. (Abu Said)
In order to maintain the bliss and pleasantness of the relation, both husband and wife should
aquire the hygienic and esthetic habits that keep them attractive to one another. It does not
behove the woman only to beautify herself for her husband, but this is a reciprocal right. The
prophet is reported to have rebuked a man who looked shabby and neglected to tidy his hair and
clothing, stating that it was his wife's right that he looks at his best to her, as she to him. Ibn
Abbas, a notable scholar of the first Islamic century, stated: Most certainly I am keen on making
myself handsome to my wife, just as I like her to beautify herself for me in keeping with God's
saying in the Quran that: "Women have rights even as they have obligations in an equitable way."
(2:228)
It is not only a woman's duty, but indeed also her privilege to look at her best in her husband's
sight. Husbands away on a journey should announce their coming back rather than taking their
wives by surprise, so that the wife has time to beautify herself before meeting her husband.
Whenever the prophet's caravan arrived back at Madina, they would camp in the suburbs, send a
messenger to announce their arrival, and go to their homes after suitable notice. One of his
7
traditions says:
"If you are in a journey do not enter your home all of a sudden so that the tuggy haired would
comb and the unprepared get ready". (The five except Nissa'i)
In modern times sexology has become a science by itself, and modern western societies almost
congratulate themselves for at last recognizing woman's right to attain sexual satiety out of sexual
intercourse. The 'right to orgasm' is amongst the latest in the inventory of rights claimed by the
"Women's Lib." and other feminist movements. Fourteen centuries ago, Islam recognized that
right, as evidenced by the saying of the prophet:
"If any of you has sex with his wife let he be true to her. If he attains his pleasure before her then
he shouldn't hurry her away until she also attains her pleasure." (Anas ) Standard writings in
sexology over the past few decades have described the physiological human sexual response
and classified it into the four phases of excitation, plateau, orgasm and resolution. Ideally these
phases should coincide in both partners, otherwise there will be sexual dysharmony, often due to
the man getting his orgasm while the woman is still eagerly awaiting, with inflamed desire, to also
achieve her orgasm. As orgasm is followed by resolution where the male organ gets flacid and the
man enters into a refractory period after his sexual desire has been satiated through orgasm, the
conclusion of the act at that stage would be unfair to the woman having been aroused but not
satisfied, and that is what the prophet warns against. The man should not just turn his back and go
away or go to sleep, leaving his wife frustrated. The coital exercise should proceed until she is
satisfied. An effective method of correcting this form of dyshan:nony is to spend time enjoying their
intimacy and helping themselves to one another's bodies in totality, before moving on to genital
intercourse. The pleasures of sex spread themselves over a much wider area than the genital
region, as manifest in kissing, embracing and caressing the body especially over the erogenous
zones of the female physique. This indeed is the normal and commendable approach to sex. It
adds to the mechanistic element of sex, the emotional dimension of tender love and mutual
affection beautifully portrayed in the Quran as: "They are your garments, and they are yours. " It
also ensures that by the time the couple move on to genital introduction, the woman would have
been aroused over a sufficient period of time and become so excited that she is already quite near
her orgasm. In modern medical jargon this prelude is called the' 'foreplay', but again long before it
was dreamt in the rest of the world of such women's rights, the prophet of Islam gave the same
guidance, politely referring to foreplay as the "messenger", in his saying:
"Let-not the one of you fall upon his wife like a beast (camel) falls. It is more appropriate to set a
messenger afore the act"
Amongst good sexual ethics also is that the couple should be sensitive to each others needs and
limitations, and ups and downs. Even a virtuous excuse like deep involvement in worship is not
accepted if the man forgets or ignores his wife's rights. In such a case it is the woman's right to
protest. History reports the woman who went to Umar ibn al Khat tab (second caliph) consulting
him: My husband fasts by day and prays all night. and I feel embarassed to complain seeing that
he spends his time worshipping God. The man was summoned for a hearing. The final verdict was
to have three nights for his own worship and to heed the needs of his wife during the rest of the
week. Umar also asked his daughter Hafsa how long a woman should stand being away from her
husband, Upon which he decreed that fighting troops should be given leave to come back home
every six months.
Similarly a woman should be responsive to her husband's call. Seeing that men are more prone to
sexual arousal by a variety of visual stimuli as they move about all day, the prophet's advice was
that the wife should always answer her husband's call:
"The right of the husband is that when he calls his wife to sex she should not deny him herself."
(Tialissi. The prophet also advised that whenever a man sees something that arouses his sexual
8
desire, he should go and have sex with his wife.
More About Sex In Islam
The Right to Adequate Sexual Relations
Since the purpose of marriage is to be a mutual source of comfort, peace, and enjoyment
for each other, like a garment that protects and covers, the sexual aspect of marriage is an
extension of this. The husband is asked to be gentle, considerate and loving with his wife,
and to try to satisfy her needs. The wife must reserve herself exclusively for her husband,
and make efforts to be attractive, as well as making herself available to him whenever he is
in need of her. This latter obligation also applies to the husband. In Islam, any sexual
relations are reserved EXCLUSIVELY for the confines of marriage. Both husband and
wife are also obligated to honor the privacy of the intimate relations between them, and
should not speak of them to anyone.
The Prohibition of Sex When She is
Menstruating
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is
menstruating. The Quran is clear on this subject:
"They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: that is an Adha (a harmful thing for a husband
to have a sexual intercourse with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore keep
away from women during menses and go not unto them till they have purified (from menses
and have taken a bath). And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as
Allah has ordained for you (go in unto them in
any manner as long as it is in their vagina)…" (Al-Baqarah 2:222)
The Prohibition of Sodomy
Allah (SWT) will not look at the man who commits sodomy with a man or a woman
(reported in Sahih Al-Tirmithi (Al-Baaniy) Vol. 1 No. 341).
Malik related to me that he asked Ibn Shihab about someone who committed sodomy. Ibn
Shihab said,
9
"He is to be stoned, whether or not he is muhsan." (Reported in Malik’s Muwatta)
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. Allah (SWT) says in the
Quran:
"Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in
any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will, and send
(good deeds, or ask Allah to bestow you pious offspring) before you for your ownselves. And
fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the
believers [O Muhammad (SAW)]. (Al-Baqarah 2:223)
What is understood from the above verse is that a tilth can only refer to a place where
something might grow. Therefore, what is meant here is the entry which produces children.
Other sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) on the subject:
"He is cursed who has anal intercourse (with his wife)." (Reported by Ibin Maja)
"Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or woman in her anus… has
disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad (SAW)." (Reported by Al-Tirmithi)
It can not be stressed too strongly that even animals do not satisfy their sexual urges in this
unnatural way. Human beings who are guilty of sodomy are, thus, even lower than
animals.
Purification Between Two Acts of Sexual Intercourse
In Islam, when a husband has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner, and
then wishes to return another time, it is preferable that he first performs another ablution
(wudu). Meaning: it is better if he does not commence sexual intercourse in an unclean
physical state. In the words of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW):
"This way is purer, cleaner and better." (Reported by Abu Dawud)
10
Sexual Ethics
Prof. Hassan Hathout
Sex is the ultimate expression of love and is a total physical and emotional encounter.
In a brief but beautiful expression the Quran refers to this relation between husbands
and wives saying:
"They are your garments and you are their garments." (2:187)
The sexual unison between husband and wife is more than seeking a relief from the
urge of desire. Indeed the prophet taught that it is one of the charities in Islam. He said
to his companions, enumerating examples of charitable deeds:
"And when the one of you makes love (has sex) it is a rewardable charity. "
His companions were surprised and asked him' 'How come the one of us answers the
urge of his desire and out of this gets the reward of a charity. To which the prophet
answered:
Don't you see that if he does the same but in a forbidden situation it would be counted
against him as a sin? And so if he does it in legitimacy it is counted for him as a charity."
(Muslim)
The sexual relation is a very special relation between consorts, and should be accorded
the privacy it deserves. It is not befitting that either of them divulges this aspect of their
life to anyone. The prophet peace be upon him emphasizes this ethic in the strongest
terms. He said:
"Amongst the lowest grades of people before God on the day of judgement, is the man
going to his wife (and making sex) and she going to him: then either of them divulging
their common secret." (Abu Said)
Addressing a gathering of men and women the prophet looked to the men and said:
"Would it be that the one of you locks his door and draws his curtains and seeks his
need (sex) from his consort: and later when he goes out he talks to his friends about it?"
He then turned to the women and said' 'Would it be that the one of you locks her door
and draws her curtains and seeks her need from her consort: and later when she goes
out she talks to her women friends about it? There was an air of admitting silence and a
woman said 'It happens apostle of God. The prophet said: “never do that, or it would be
like a male devil that encountered a female devil and copulated with her out in the
middle of the road and then left her and went away” (Abu Said)
11
In order to maintain the bliss and pleasantness of the relation, both husband and wife
should acquire the hygienic and esthetic habits that keep them attractive to one another.
It does not behoove the woman only to beautify herself for her husband, but this is a
reciprocal right. The prophet is reported to have rebuked a man who looked shabby and
neglected to tidy his hair and clothing, stating that it was his wife's right that he looks at
his best to her, as she to him. Ibn Abbas, a notable scholar of the first Islamic century,
stated: ' 'Most certainly I am keen on making myself handsome to my wife, just as I like
her to beautify herself for me, in keeping with God's saying in the Quran that: 'Women
have rights even as they have obligations in an equitable way." (2:228)
It is not only a woman's duty, but indeed also her privilege to look at her best in her
husband's sight. Husbands away on a journey should announce their coming back
rather than taking their wives by surprise, so that the wife has time to beautify herself
before meeting her husband. Whenever the prophet's caravan arrived back at Madina,
they would camp in the suburbs, send a messenger to announce their arrival, and go to
their homes after suitable notice. One of his traditions says:
"If you are in a journey do not enter your home all of a sudden so that the tuggy haired
would comb and the unprepared get ready. " (The five except Nissa 'i)
In modern times sexology has become a science by itself, and modern western
societies almost congratulate themselves for at last recognizing woman's right to attain
sexual satiety out of sexual intercourse. The 'right to orgasm' is amongst the latest in
the inventory of rights claimed by the' , "Women's Lib." and other feminist movements.
Fourteen centuries ago, Islam recognized that right, as evidenced by the saying of the
prophet:
"If any of you has sex with his wife let he be true to her. If he attains his pleasure before
her then he shouldn't hurry her away until she also attains her pleasure." (Anas )
Standard writings in sexology over the past few decades have described the
physiological human sexual response and classified it into the four phases of excitation,
plateau, orgasm and resolution. Ideally these phases should coincide in both partners,
otherwise there will be sexual dysharmony, often due to the man getting his orgasm
while the woman is still eagerly awaiting, with inflamed desire, to also achieve her
orgasm. As orgasm is followed by resolution where the male organ gets flacid and the
man enters into a refractory period after his sexual desire has been satiated through
orgasm, the conclusion of the act at that stage would be unfair to the woman having
been aroused but not satisfied, and that is what the prophet warns against. The man
should not just turn his back and go away or go to sleep, leaving his wife frustrated. The
coital exercise should proceed until she is satisfied. An effective method of correcting
this form of disharmony is to spend time enjoying their intimacy and helping themselves
to one another's bodies in totality, before moving on to genital intercourse. The
pleasures of sex spread themselves over a much wider area than the genital region, as
manifest in kissing, embracing and caressing the body especially over the erogenous
zones of the female physique. This indeed is the normal and commendable approach to
12
sex. It adds to the mechanistic element of sex, the emotional dimension of tender love
and mutual affection beautifully portrayed in the Quran as: ''They are your garments,
and you are their garments." It also ensures that by the time the couple move on to
genital introduction, the woman would have been aroused over a sufficient period of
time and become so excited that she is already quite near her orgasm. In modern
medical jargon this prelude is called the' ‘foreplay’, ...but again long before it was dreamt
in the rest of the world of such women's rights, the prophet of Islam gave the same
guidance, politely referring to foreplay as the "messenger', in his saying:
"Let not the one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send
a messenger before the act"
Amongst good sexual ethics also is that the couple should be sensitive to each other’s
needs and limitations, and ups and downs. Even a virtuous excuse like deep
involvement in worship is not accepted if the man forgets or ignores his wife's rights. In
such a case it is the woman's right to protest. History reports the woman who went to
Umar ibn al Khattab (second caliph) consulting him: My husband fasts by day and prays
all night. ..and I feel embarrassed to complain seeing that he spends his time
worshipping God. The man was summoned for a hearing. The final verdict was to have
three nights for his own worship and to heed the needs of his wife during the rest of the
week. Umar also asked his daughter Hafsa how long a woman should stand being away
from her husband, Upon which he decreed that fighting troops should be given leave to
come back home every six months.
Similarly a woman should be responsive to her husband's call. Seeing that men are
more prone to sexual arousal by a variety of visual stimuli as they move about all day,
the prophet's advice was that the wife should always answer her husband's call:
"The right of the husband is that when he calls his wife to sex she should not deny him
herself. " (Tialissi)
The prophet also advised that whenever a man sees something that arouses his sexual
desire, he should go and have sex with his wife.
Used with permission from: http://www.islamicmedicine.org/
13
Islam and Traditional Sexual Ethics
For Muslims, the institution of marriage based on mutuality of natural interest and cordiality
between spouses represents a sublime manifestation of the Divine Will and Purpose. This is
discernible in the Quranic verse cited below:
And one of His signs is that He created mates for you, that you may find rest in them, and He
envisaged between you love and compassion ... (Quran, 30:21)
According to Islamic tradition (sunnah), marriage has been deemed to be an essential
requirement. Celibacy has been regarded as a malevolent condition fraught with evils.
The Islamic approach concerning marriage and morals differs from what is known about some of
the traditional moralizations of a negative kind. Surprisingly enough, certain traditional moralists
regarded sexuality as something basically wicked. They viewed sexual intercourse; even with
ones legal spouse, as impure, evil, undesirable, destructive, and as if it were characteristic of the
guilty and fallen.
Still more surprising is the generalized view harboured in the West that the traditional world
commonly believed in the superstition that ascribed an evil connotation to everything pertaining
to sex. The famous Western philosopher, Bertrand Russell, is no exception in this regard. In his
book: Marriage and Morals, he generalizes that:
" ... anti-sexual elements, however, existed side by side with the others from a very early time,
and in the end, where ever Christianity and Buddhism prevailed, these elements won a complete
victory over their opposites. Westermarck gives many instances of what he calls 'the curious
notion that there is something impure and sinful in marriage, as in sexual relations generally.
In the most diverse parts of the world, quite remote from any Christian or Buddhist influence,
there have been orders of priests and priestesses vowed to celibacy. Among the Jews the sect of
the Essenes considered all sexual intercourse impure. This view seems to have gained ground in
antiquity .
... There was indeed a generalized tendency towards ascetism in the Roman empire.
Epicureanism nearly died out and stoicism replaced it among cultivated Greeks and Romans . ...
The neo-Platonists were almost as ascetic as the Christians. From Persia the doctrine that
matter is evil spread to the West, and brought with it the belief that all sexual intercourse is
impure. This is, though not in an extreme form, the view of the Church ..." [1]
Negative sexual attitudes continued through the centuries to affect masses of credulous people, in
an adverse and also frightening manner of repugnance towards sex. The high incidence of
14
psychosomatic disorders and spiritual ailments is largely and uniquely attributed by some
psychoanalysts to a widespread prevalence of deeply ingrained negative sexuality.
What could have been the causative factors in the misconceptions about sexuality? What could
be the reasons for men to deny themselves the natural satisfaction and the psychosomatic well
being associated with healthy and desirable sex? Why should people lead their lives, so as to
virtually condemn an essentially wholesome part of their lives? These are some of the complex
questions for which thinking men have yet to provide meaningful and convincing answers. Yet,
we all know that there could be many different reasons for, and causes of, aversion to human
sexuality.
Apparently, the reasons include prejudicial thinking about sexual desire and intercourse. The
prejudice was carried to the extreme among the Christians, in organizing their churches and the
clergy.
The celibacy of Jesus Christ inspired them to the effect that married status for saints and
preachers was considered tantamount to pollution of their chastity and piety. Accordingly, Popes
are always chosen from among unmarried priests. In fact, all the members of the Catholic clergy
are bound by their oaths of celibacy towards remaining virtuous.
Bertrand Russell says:
"Two or three beautiful descriptions of this institution (marriage) have been culled out of the
immense mass of the patristic writings; but in general, it would be difficult to conceive anything
more coarse or repulsive than the manner in which they regarded it . ... The object of the ascetic
was to attract men to a life of virginity, and as a necessary consequence, marriage was treated
as an inferior state . ... To 'cut down by the axe of Virginity the wood of Marriage' was in the
energetic language of St. Jerome, the end of the saint" [2]
Church approves marriage for purpose of human procreation. The need for propagation of human
species is not construed as something adequate to lift the stigma of impurity from any sexual act.
Another reason for conceding marriage is to eliminate fornication between men and women.
Again to quote Bertrand Russell:
"Christianity, and more particularly St. Paul, introduced an entirely novel view of marriage that
it existed not primarily for the procreation of children, but to prevent the sin of fornication" [3]
The Catholic church regards marriage as sacrosanct and binding until death intervenes.
Accordingly, dissolution of marriage, or divorce, is not permitted. The prohibition of annulment
of marriage or divorce may have something to do with a possible desire to atone for the original
sin, resulting in the expulsion of Adam and Eve in an unmarried state.
Irrational attitudes towards women prevailed among some of the ancient peoples. These included
a notion that a woman was not a complete human being; for, her situation as a creature might
well lie somewhere between a human being and an animal. Also, she was devoid of an articulate
15
spirit, so that she could never make it to Heaven! Similar other superstitions were rampant in the
past.
Fortunately, however, the aforementioned beliefs and notions were not universally carried to the
extreme. Any natural limits of women, as identified and evaluated in the past, were not
encroached upon. Any impact of traditional ways of thinking did not go beyond cultivation of a
sense of pride by men and inculcation of a sense of inferiority among women through
generations.
Apparently, the belief in the inherent wickedness of sexual desire and intercourse made men and
women absolutely and equally distressed in spiritual terms. Moreover, it caused a rather
demoralizing conflict between the natural instinct's urge and the religious or sectarian belief
about wickedness of carnal desire and sexual intercourse.
Spiritual ailments and unhappiness arising from the aforementioned conflict included
disharmony between genuine natural desires and socially induced aversion towards their
fulfillment. The problem assumed extraordinary proportions, in as much as it became the subject
of intensive investigations by psychologists and psychoanalysts.
In the above context, the revolutionary logic of Islam can be of extraordinary interest. Islam
gives no slightest indication to the effect that sexual desire is evil in itself, or that it is necessarily
fraught with evil consequences. On the contrary, the Islamic endeavour in this regard is aimed at
regulating human sexuality in a most humane manner.
In the perspective of Islam, human sexual relations are limited only by the genuine interests of
the present society, or the posterity. In this connection, the Islamic approach follows well known
guidelines, leading neither to any sense of sexual deprivation and frustration, nor to any
repressed or inhibited sexual desire. It is a pity that scholars, like Bertrand Russell, who has
evaluated the Christian and Buddhist morals, have refrained from specifically commenting on
Islamic ethics.
In his book: Marriage and Morals, Bertrand Russell mentions in passing about Islam. For
example, he says:
"Great religious leaders, with the exception of Mohammad and Confucius, if he can be called
religious - have in general been very indifferent to social and political considerations, and have
sought rather to perfect the soul by meditation, discipline and self-denial." [4]
Nonetheless, it is true that from the Islamic point of view sexual desire is not only compatible
with human intellectuality or spirituality, but is evidenced as part of the nature and temperament
of the prophets. According to one tradition (hadith), love and affection for women were
characteristic of the moral conduct of the prophets.
There are several other traditions and narrations indicating prophetic regard for women.
According to some, the Prophet of Islam and the pious Imams too have all explicitly
16
demonstrated their love and regard for their wives and the womenfolk. At the same time, they
have strongly disapproved of any human inclination towards celibacy or monasticism.
One of the companions of the Holy Prophet, Osman bin Madaoon, devoted himself to Allah's
worship to such an extent that he kept fast practically everyday, as well as regular nightly vigils
in prayers. His wife brought the matter to the attention of the Prophet, who reacted with visible
annoyance and proceeded at once to where his companion was and said:
"O Othman! Know that Allah has not deputed me to encourage any monastic life. My Shariah
laws are meant for enhancing and facilitating human accomplishment of their natural lives.
Personally, I offer my prayers, keep fast and maintain my conjugal relations. Accordingly, to
follow me in Islam means conforming to the traditions laid down by me, which include the
requirement that men and women should marry and live together harmoniously"
The Islamic position as explained above makes it clear that human sexuality in itself neither
represents any inborn wickedness, nor it invariably signifies evil consequences. Furthermore, it
clarifies that wickedness has been traditionally ascribed to human sexuality in the process of
evolving religious morality in the Western world. Now, the Western world has taken a 180degree turn in reversing its extreme traditional morals.
At present, the Western world believes in respecting and freeing sexual desires and involvements
through lifting of traditional moral restraints. In fact, many Westerners now favour sexual
permissiveness. They contend that whatever morality has been inherited by them carries no more
than a religious connotation. They claim that today's new morals are based on not only
philosphical, but scientific reasons.
Unfortunately, the negative sexuality traditionally and recently evolved in the West has
penetrated the moral fabric of our society, too.
This is despite all the erstwhile difficulty of international communication. Now with the
improved means of communication and regular international contacts, the modernistic Western
speculations are virtually flooding our society, as will be explained later on herein.
[1]. Bertrand Russell: Marriage and Morals, George Allen and Unwin Ltd., London, Paperbacks
Ed. 1976, p.p. 31-32
[2]. Ibid. p. 39-40
[3]. Ibid. p. 35
[4]. ?
17
Sexual Relations in Islam *
By Dr. Jamal Badawi
Chairman, Islamic Information Foundation - Canada
In Islam, family is the cornerstone of the society and
sex is viewed as a practical aspect of Islam's
perception of the family.
Sex is an aspect of human behaviour; however, in
Islam, behaviour of any kind is not divorced from
belief.
Thus, people who believe in God, understand their
individual responsibility to fulfil their God-given
mission on earth, and realize that this earthly life will
end with death, then resurrection and accountability, Picture ©
will definitely behave in a different way from
Microsoft.com
someone who has none of these beliefs.
There are three aspects of human behaviour: spiritual, intellectual, and
physical; and, uniquely, Islam provides satisfaction for all of them.
For the spirit, Islam enjoins remembrance and
worship of God. For the intellect, there is God's
invitation to all human beings to ponder on and
understand the universe and the natural laws
governing it and humankind.
Islam permits human
beings to satisfy all
these three types of
legitimate needs
And for the physical aspect, there is the permission to satisfy the need for
food, sex, and other material things. In Islam, the satisfaction of sexual
18
needs are not contradictory to the spiritual nature of human beings.
Islam permits human beings to satisfy all these three types of legitimate
needs, the only qualification being that they should be satisfied according
to the commands laid down by God: They should be satisfied in a
wholesome and pure manner, without excess.
[The love of desires, of women and sons and hoarded treasures
of gold and silver and well-bred horses and cattle and tilth, is
made to seem fair to men; this is the provision of the life of this
world; and Allah is He with Whom is the good goal (of life).] ( Aal
`Imran 3:14)
The Qur'an does not condemn humans for having this love of desires, but
it just reminds them that such are the possessions of this world's life and
nearness to God is the best of goals.
Thus, the Qur'an asks humans to strike a balance between legitimate
pursuit of material gain and the pursuit of the rewards of the hereafter.
God forbids the immoral and excessive pursuit of material pleasures,
particularly when it is done by using unlawful methods.
Excessive Behaviour
It is possible to identify two extremes pertaining to sexual morals which
have appeared throughout history.
The first is the view that sex is unclean and contrary to goodness,
spirituality, and faith in God; in other words, something to be suppressed
and resisted. This view resulted in the institution of monasticism,
celibacy, and in the belief that marriage and sex were inevitable evils,
rather than blessings from God.
The second more predominant view is that which allows the pursuit of
sexual and other pleasures regardless of moral considerations and the
harmful effects on both individuals and society at large. It is known that
the former view led to psychological problems and the association of sex
with demonic powers whereas the latter led to widespread adultery,
fornication, preoccupation with sex, and the development of sex as a
business.
19
Both of these extremes go against human nature, which requires that
certain desires are fulfilled in moderation within the moral framework that
religious teachings provide and at the same time protects the individual
and the family from the dangerous consequences of unhampered pursuit
of sexual satisfaction.
It has been noted by many observers that many harms result from an
over preoccupation with sex. There is harm to the health, the moral
character, and the person's ability to be patient.
When someone satisfies this sexual desire regardless of necessity, their
moral character is destroyed because their indulgence leads to
selfishness, opportunism, lack of responsibility and care for family, lying,
deception, internal conflicts in the conscience of the individual, drug
addiction, theft, rape, and even murder. And it is not just the individual
who suffers; society as a whole and the family in particular suffer from
the degradation of the human being in this way.
Islam's Solution
Islam teaches that people should be brought up in such a way that their
heart contains sincere God-consciousness (taqwa) in order to be able to
persevere in the face of any temptation created by powerful sexual
promptings.
Together with this faith, people should additionally be made aware of the
teachings of Islam and know right from wrong; thus they will never be
confused between vice and virtue and will realize that Islam prohibits the
satisfaction of the sexual urge outside the bounds of marriage. Islam
prohibits not only pre- and extramarital sexual relationships, but also all
types of perversions like homosexuality.
Prophet Muhammad's life is a clear example that marriage and sex are
permissible in Islam and are acts that Allah rewards Muslims for,
providing their actions fall within the boundaries of Islam. Also Prophet
Muhammad instructed that those who do not have the means to marry
and wish to preserve their chastity should practice fasting as a means to
help them control their desires.
20
* Adapted from a lecture in Dr. Jamal Badawi’s Islamic Teachings series.
Dr. Jamal Badawi is a professor at Saint Mary's University in Halifax, Canada, where he
currently teaches in the areas of management and religious studies. He is the author of several
works on various aspects of Islam.
21
Sex and Society
We have discussed a Muslim woman's status with regard to her husband and the
children. What then of her relations with men other than her husband and her close
relatives? This is where a considerable difference is found between Islamic practice
and the customs now prevalent in the Western world. In the West, sexual relations
outside marriage are still in theory generally considered a sin or at least vaguely
undesirable, but in practice no steps whatsoever are taken to reduce the very high
incidence of pre-marital and extra-marital sexual relations in spite of the soaring
rates of illegitimacy and venereal disease. On the contrary, in films, television and
certain sections of the press there is every encouragement to consider pre-marital
experience desirable and extra-marital affairs quite normal. Contraception or
abortion is expected to conveniently get rid of any undesirable side-affects of this
way of life.
In contrast with this uncontrolled situation, Islam advocates a number of specific
measures to reduce the temptations towards sex outside marriage.
To begin with, the Prophet advised all people to get married if they could, so that
their natural desires should have a legitimate and legal fulfilment.
Secondly, due to the permission for limited polygamy there is no necessity for there
to be a surplus of unattached women is the society.
Thirdly women are directed in the Qur'an when they appear in public to cover
themselves in a modest type of dress so as not to attract men.
Fourthly the Muslim way of life excludes the boy-friend/Girl-friend system, mixed
parties, dancing between men and women, taking alcohol or drugs, and other facets
of the Western way of life which are well known to provide the situation from which
pre-marital and extra-marital sexual relations develop. Social entertainments in Islam
are generally either within the family and close friends of the family, or among men
and women in separate groups.
Fifthly sex outside marriage is considered in Islam law not only as a sin but as a
crime which is punished under the law in the same way as theft or murder. The
punishment for it applies equally to the man and woman and is severe and deterrent
in its effect.
Let me now look back at some of these points in more detail since they are very
relevant to the life style of a Muslim woman.
22
Relations Between the Sexes
Having clarified women's independent spiritual and intellectual status in Islam, I turn
next to their status with regard to men, and their relationship with men. We are here
looking at a relationship of interdependence. The Qur'an says:
"Among His signs is (the fact) that He has created spouses for you from among
yourselves so that you may console yourselves with them. He has planted love and
mercy between you; in that are signs for people who reflect" (30:21)
This is a very important definition of the relationship between man and wife. They are
expected to find tranquility in each other's company and by "love and mercy". Such a
description comprises mutual care, consideration, respect and affection.
There are numerous ahadith, particularly those narrated by 'A'isha, which give a
clear insight into the way the Prophet treated his wives and the way they treated him.
The most striking thing about these is their evidence of the mutual care and respect
of the marriage relationship. There is no servility on the part of the wives, and there
are probably as many references to the Prophet doing things to please his wives as
there are of the wives doing things to please the Prophet.
The Qur'an refers to wives generally in another chapter saying:
"They are garments for you while you are garments for them" (2:187).
In other words, as a garment gives warmth, protection and decency, so a husband
and wife offer each other intimacy, comfort and protection from committing adultery
and other offences.
It follows from what has been quoted from the Qur'an that one of the important aims
of Islamic regulations governing behavior and human relations is the preservation of
the family unit in such a way that the atmosphere of tranquility, love and mercy and
consciousness of Allah can develop and flower to the benefit of husband and wife,
and also of the children of the marriage.
Therefore in examining the conduct expected of men and women towards each
other, both inside and outside marriage,we have to bear in mind these aims and
weigh their benefits to the individual and to society. We must also bear in mind that
Islam has a coherent view of life, and that the various aspects of it should not be
considered in isolation from each other. It comprises a total way of life, and each part
of it needs to be seen in the total context.
To understand the role of a woman in a Muslim society therefore we have to
examine both her duties and her rights, the behavior expected of her towards men
and the behavior due to her from men.
23
Dress
Firstly the matter of dress. A Muslim woman may wear whatever she pleases in the
presence of her husband and family or among women friends. But when she goes
out or when men other than her husband or close family are present she is expected
to wear a dress which will cover all parts of her body, and which should not reveal
the figure. This is in total contrast with Western fashions which every now and then
concentrate quite intentionally on exposing yet another erogenous zone to the public
gaze! In the past few years we have seen the rise and fall of the minidress, the
micro-skirt, the wet look, hot pants, the see-thru', the topless and other garments
designed to display or emphasize the intimate parts of a woman's body. One may
observe a similar tendency of late in men's dress which has become almost skintight, although here the men's fashion designers appear to have come to a
temporary standstill until men are liberated enough to accept topless or see-thru'
trousers, which is fortunately not yet the case.
The intention of Western dress is to reveal the figure, while the intention of Muslim
dress is to conceal it, at least in public.
The relevant verse of the Qur'an says:
"O Prophet, tell your wives and daughters and the women of the believers to draw
upon them their over-garments. That is more appropriate so that they may be
recognised and not molested" (33:59).
It is therefore required for a Muslim woman when she goes out to wear a dress that
covers her from head to foot and does not reveal the figure. According to some
scholars only the hands and face should be left uncovered, while according to some
others the face should also be covered. There are therefore two opinions on this
matter.
The onus of modest behaviour however falls not only on women. The injunctions of
the Qur'an are directed to men and women alike. Allah says:
"Tell believers to avert their glances and to guard their private parts; that is purer for
them. Allah is Informed about anything they do. Tell believing women to avert their
glances and guard their private parts and not to display their charms except what
(normally) appears of them. They should draw their coverings over their bosoms and
not show their charms except to their husbands . . . ." (24:30-31).
24
Role Differentiation
One of the other practices aimed at strengthening the home and minimising
promiscuity is that of the seclusion of women. The verses of the Qur'an on which
those who practise it and base their custom, say:
"O wives of the Prophet you are not like any other women. If you would keep your
duty, be not soft in speech, lest he whose heart contains malice may thereby be
encouraged. Employ suitable speech. Stay in your houses and do not dress to
display your finery in the way they dressed during the time of primitive ignorance;
and keep up prayer, and give welfare due and obey Allah and His Messenger; for
Allah desires only to remove from you abomination (of vanity since you are) the
household (of the Prophet) and to purify you by a perfect purification" (The Qur'an
33:32-33).
Literally these verses are addressed only to the wives of the Prophet and some
authorities maintain that it applies only to them. Other theologians and legists
however interpret it by implication to apply to all Muslim women, and this opinion is
widely accepted in a number of Muslim countries where women generally stay at
home, coming out only for some over-riding reason.
Some of the people who agree with this may nevertheless take into account the
other verses of the Qur'~ n exhorting women to cover themselves when they go out,
and urging both men and women to lower their gaze and behave modestly in the
presence of the opposite sex--implying that women could go out on their legitimate
business. They may also consider the necessity of some Muslim women going out to
study and practice certain occupations, such as medicine, nursing and teaching at all
levels, which for Muslim women and girls ought to be done by fellow women.
One may therefore note that the two opinions exist, and that in practice one may see
various degrees of seclusion or otherwise in different parts of the Muslim world.
In most parts of the world social functions among Muslims are either family affairs or
celebrations by men and women in separate groups. To a Westerner accustomed to
mixed parties with dancing and drinking this may sound an unexciting social life.
However, the family circle in the Muslim world is generally a wide one, and the
feeling of brotherhood is so strong and the hospitality of Muslims so warm and
welcoming that alcohol and the presence of the opposite sex are found to be
unnecessary ingredients of the enjoyment.
25
Polygamy
Perhaps the aspect of Islam in respect of women which is most prominent in the
Western mind is that of polygamy. Firstly let me clarify that Islam does not impose
polygamy as a universal practice. The Prophet himself was a monogamist for the
greater part of his married life, from the age of twenty-five when he married Khadija
until he was fifty when she died.
One should therefore regard monogamy as the norm and polygamy as the
exception.
One may observe that, although it has been abused in some times and some places,
polygamy has under certain circumstances a valuable function. In some situations it
may be considered as the lesser of two evils, and in other situations it may even be
positively beneficial arrangement.
The most obvious example of this occurs in times of war when there are inevitably
large numbers of widows and girls whose fiancées and husbands have been killed in
the fighting. One has only to recall the figures of the dead in the first and second
world wars to be aware that literally millions of women and girls lost their husbands
and fiancées and were left alone without any income or care or protection for
themselves or their children. If it is still maintained that under these circumstances a
man may marry only one wife, what options are left to the millions of other women
who have no hope of getting a husband? Their choice, bluntly stated , is between a
chaste and childless old maidenhood, or becoming somebody's mistress, that is an
unofficial second wife with no legal rights for herself or for her children. Most women
would not welcome either of these since most women have always wanted and still
do want the security of a legal husband and family.
The compromise therefore is for women under these circumstances to face that if
given the alternative many of them would rather share a husband than have none at
all. And there is no doubt that it is easier to share a husband when it is an
established and publicly recognized practice than when it is carried on secretly along
with attempts to deceive the first wife.
And it is no secret that polygamy of a sort is widely carried on in Europe and
America. The difference is that while the Western man has no legal obligations to his
second, third or fourth mistresses and their children, the Muslim husband has
complete legal obligations towards his second, third or fourth wife and their children.
There may be other circumstances unrelated to war--individual circumstances,
where marriage to more than one wife may be preferable to other available
alternatives--for example where the first wife is chronically sick or disabled. There
are of course some husbands who can manage this situation, but no one would deny
its potential hazards. A second marriage in some cases could be a solution
acceptable to all three parties.
Again there are cases in which a wife is unable to have children, while the husband
very much wants them. Under Western laws a man must either accept his wife's
26
childlessness if he can, or if he cannot he must find a means of divorce in order to
marry again. This could be avoided in some cases if the parties agreed on a second
marriage.
There are other cases where a marriage has not been very successful and the
husband loves another woman. This situation is so familiar that it is known as the
Eternal Triangle, Under Western laws the husband cannot marry the second woman
without divorcing the first one. But the first wife may not wish to be divorced. She
may no longer love her husband, but she may still respect him and wish to stay with
him for the security of marriage, for herself and their children. Similarly the second
woman may not wish to break up the man's first family. There are certain cases such
as this where both women could accept a polygamous marriage rather than face
divorce on the one hand or an extra-marital affair on the other.
I have mentioned some of these examples because to the majority of Westerners
polygamy is only thought of in the context of a harem of glamorous young girls, not
as a possible solution to some of the problems of Western society itself. I have given
some time to it not in order to advocate its indiscriminate use, but in an attempt to
show that it is a practice not to be condemned without thinking of its uses and
possible benefits in any community.
27
Marriage in Islam
We turn now to the procedures of marriage in Islam. When a girl reaches the age of
marriage it is customary for the Muslim parents to play a major role in the choice of
the husband, but she must be consulted. It is reported that when a girl came to the
Prophet complaining that she had been married without being consulted, the Prophet
directed that she was free to have the marriage dissolved if she wished.
Nowadays educated Muslim girls are having a greater say in the choice of husband,
but it is still considered that the parents' opinion of the boy is of great importance,
and it is rare part of the Muslim tradition for either to be married with the consent of
their parents or guardians.
A widow or a divorcee however may marry whoever she wishes, presumably
because she is considered to have enough maturity and experience to decide for
herself.
When a girl or woman is married it is an essential part of the marriage for the
bridegroom to give her a dowry (mahr), which may be of any value agreed upon.
This dowry is not like the old European dowry which was given by a father to a
daughter on her marriage and thence became the husband's property. Nor is the
Muslim dowry like the African "bride-price" which is paid by the bridegroom to the
father as a form of payment or compensation. The Muslim dowry is a gift from the
bridegroom to the bride and it becomes her exclusive property. (It remains her
property even if she is later divorced. In the case of Khul'_ that is, divorce at the
wife's request, she may be required to pay back all or part of the dowry.)
The treatment expected from the husband, whether or not he is on good terms with
his wife, is clearly laid down in the Qur'an:
"Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something
in which Allah has placed much good" (4:19).
Another important benefit to wives in Islam is that in the moral sphere there is no
dual standard. Whatever may be the habit of men the world over of blaming women
for actions which they condone in themselves, according to the Qur'an and the
teachings of the Prophet, Allah requires the same high standard of moral conduct
from men as it does from women, and has imposed the same legal penalities on
men and women for infringement of the moral laws. This will be illustrated by
examples later in this paper.
Even if divorce is decided on, the good treatment referred to before is still required.
The Qur'an says:
"Then keep them in all decency or part from them decently. It is not lawful for you to
take anything you have given them" (2:229).
Thus Qur'an also says:
28
"Once you divorce women and they have reached the end of their waiting period,
then either retain them in all decency or part from them in decency. Do not retain
them unjustly so that you exceed the limit; anyone who does that merely hurts
himself" (2:231)
Kind treatment of wives and families is a part of the religion in Islam. The Prophet
Muhammad has said:
"From among the believers are those who have the kindest disposition and are
kindest to their families, such are those who show most perfect faith".
And according to another hadith:
"The best among you are those who are kindest to their wives".
Divorce is taken to be a last resort in Islam. The Prophet Muhammad said:
"Of all the things Allah has permitted, the one He most dislikes is divorce".
29
Rights and Obligations
Let us first examine what is due to her from men. The Qur'an say:
"Men are maintainers of women with the bounties which Allah has bestowed more
abundantly on some of them than on others; and with what they may spend out of
their possessions" (4:34).
In a Muslim society therefore the man has full responsibility for the maintenance of
his family. This is not only a moral but also a legal obligation. Anything a wife earns
is her own to dispose of, either to use it herself or to contribute it to the family budget
if she wishes.
The wife herself is responsible for the care of her home and the welfare of her family.
She may express her views and make her suggestions concerning all matters, but
the best role she can play in keeping the marital tie intact and strong, is to recognize
her husband as the person responsible for the running of the affairs of the family,
and thus to obey him even if his judgement is not acceptable to her, in a particular
matter, provided he does not go beyond the limits of Islam. This is the meaning of
obedience in the context of marriage in Islam. It is a recognition of the role of the
husband as the head of the family unit and the loyalty of both husband and wife to a
higher law, the Shari‘a.
The Prophet has said:
"The best woman is she who, when you see her you feel pleased, and when you
direct her she obeys. She protects your rights and keeps her chastity when you are
absent".
A man is expected to take care of his wife and show consideration to her and to all
women as the weaker sex. The concept of chivalry had its origin in the early Muslim
world, and is held by many scholars to have passed from the Muslim into Europe at
the time of the troubadours of Mediaeval France.
This concept of chivalry has come in for many blows in the last fifty years or so as it
runs contrary to the present day tendency for women to try and struggle for their
livelihood in a harsh world in the same way as men do. The Muslim opinion is that
she should be spared from these struggles and worries so that she can give her full
attention to the making of a home.
The Muslim woman's role in the home is a vitally important one to the happiness of
the husband and the physical and spiritual development of their children. Her
endeavor is to make her family's life sweet and joyful and the home a place of
security and peace. This and her early character-training of the children have a
lasting effect on the behavior and attitudes of the next generation when they reach
adolescence and adulthood. There is a well-known saying in Arabic : al-ummu
madrasatun meaning "the mother is a school", which conveys the importance of this
role.
30