Diagnostic Essay Comments: Can Entertainment Really “Ruin” Society?
(I don’t know, but we certainly found out what can ruin a good essay!)
The Good:
The vast majority of essays had a clear thesis that stated the writer’s position
Most essays had very little fluff in the introduction
Most essays had at least two body paragraphs of support
Almost all essays stayed on topic and had body paragraphs that tied back to the thesis
The Not So Good:
Many essays were riddled with sweeping generalizations that could not be supported by specific evidence. Here are a sampling of the most common:
 “People hear something immoral in a song, or watch something immoral on TV or in video games, and then they repeat those actions in real life.” (Various versions of this argument appeared. Some papers argued that entertainment “brainwashed” or “forced” viewers or listeners to swear more often or engage in sexual misconduct. Some essays claimed that only teens and children were swayed by entertainment. All versions of this generalization were fundamentally unsound. The most mature essays provided anecdotal support—as in “my little brother watched an episode of Jackass and then broke his arm attempting one of its stunts”—but such incidents can hardly be taken as definitive proof that all or even most viewers of Jackass would try the same thing. The problem is that the original claim is too broad to ever be convincing.)
 “Entertainment is the only thing that keeps society and individuals going.” (Really? Only entertainment? Not love, or ambition, pride, faith, greed, etc.?)
 “The failure of our society is inevitable.” (Wow, did you bring your Magic 8 Ball to class today? Do you know what the winning lottery numbers will be, too?)

“Entertainment does nothing more than entertain.” (As a friend of ours would say, if you believe this, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.)
 “Most movies are about violence or sex.” (Actually, this probably says more about you and the kinds of movies you watch than movies in general.)
The Lesson: Unless you have a good deal of specific evidence that backs up such claims, it would be wise to avoid generalizations. At the very least you need to modify these sweeping statements to say things like “ many people might
” or “ some forms of entertainment could
” or something to that effect.
The more absolute or extreme your statements, the easier it is for your opposition (or your reader) to poke holes in your argument. This is why, generally speaking, qualify responses tend to result in stronger essays .
Most essays lacked convincing evidence . Let’s look at an example:

Abysmal: Immoral TV shows poison the minds of young people. (Strictly speaking, this isn’t even evidence. It’s a broad generalization.)

Terrible: Shows like Jersey Shore or 16 and Pregnant poison the minds of young people.


(A smidge better, since now at least we have specific shows mentioned)
Bad: Shows like Jersey Shore poison the minds of young people because they suggest that it is acceptable to party all the time and have sex with strangers. (Better now because at least we have a specific show and some idea of how it can “poison” the minds of the young.)
Fair: When young girls watch Jersey Shore and see Snookie constantly going out to clubs, getting drunk, and having sex with men she has just met, they may start to get the idea that such activities are normal or even expected of young women. High school students watching the show may not understand that “reality TV” is not, in fact, real. They also may not realize that we, as the audience, are supposed to watch Snookie and object to or laugh derisively at her actions. Since she has become a celebrity and gets paid thousands and thousands of dollars per episode, young girls may think that this type of behavior is something they should emulate. (Now we have a little more detail. Although this evidence

is still somewhat general and largely speculative, it is far superior to some of the earlier examples. I may not be convinced, but at least the argument is clear.)
Avoid making inaccurate statements. Entertainment is not an invention of the 20 th century. Nor was it once “clean” or “pure.” Nor did it cause the downfall of the Roman Empire (and holy cow, a lot of you seem to be under that impression. Did you guys watch Gladiator one too many times or what?). Also, watching TV has not been proven to lower your IQ. Don’t make things up.
You start looking ridiculous.
Word Choice/Audience:
Always assume that your audience is opposed to your viewpoint, unless you know otherwise.
Make your writing decisions accordingly.
Read the prompt carefully. Your audience has. If you misquote or misrepresent what Gabler is saying, you are going to get yourself into big trouble. A great many people misinterpreted the prompt and thought that Gabler himself argued that entertainment would ruin society.
Watch those inflammatory word choices. Describing entertainment as “garbage,” “trash,” “the demon among us,” “the propaganda machine,” etc., is not likely to help your case. In fact, saying such things might give your audience the impression that you are a dismissive snob, or possibly a crazy person.
I’m not sure what goes on in your house, but in this class (and on the AP test) intolerance based on religion, race, or sexual orientation is not acceptable. Please do not make racist remarks, use slurs of a racist or homophobic nature, or make inaccurate statements about religions. For example, it is acceptable to use the terms “black,” “African American,” “Latino,” “Hispanic,”
“Asian,” or even “people of color” (to refer to all those who are not of Caucasian descent). It is unacceptable to use words such as “colored,” which has been considered a racist term now for about forty years. Oh, and by the way, “muslin” is a type of sheer fabric, as opposed to “Muslim,” which means an adherent of Islam.
Mechanics and MLA format:
Almost no one seemed to have any idea what to do with the titles of books, movies, songs, etc.
Memorize this. Books, movies, and newspaper titles all get underlined. Songs, poems, short stories, and newspaper or magazine articles get put in quotation marks. And no, you cannot italicize words while writing by hand. Making your letters more slanty doesn’t count. Nor does switching to cursive. Underline, please.
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Contractions (can’t, won’t, don’t, etc.) should be avoided in formal academic writing.
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“Demoralize” does NOT mean to take away or decline in morals. It means to dishearten. The root word here is “morale” meaning confidence or good spirits, not “moral” meaning ethical or good.
it’s = it is (it’s probably going to rain) ; its = possessive pronoun (its snout was hideous)
R.A.V.E.N. ( R emember A ffect is a V erb and E ffect is a N oun) about 99.3% of the time.
“Bias” is a noun. “Biased” is an adjective. The media cannot be bias. It might be biased.
There is no such word as “alot.” You can have a lot of homework. You can allot a lot of your time to playing video games. You can skateboard in a vacant lot. But you cannot have “alot” of anything.
“Foul” means dirty or disgusting or that the ball has gone out of play. “Fowl” means you are talking about a chicken or a duck.
there = adverb (my ladle is over there); their = possessive pronoun (their brains are mush)
Please indent the first sentence of each paragraph. Many people did not indent the introduction.
Also, all paragraphs should be indented the same amount. Some people indented each successive paragraph more and more—almost all the way to the right margin by the time the last paragraph came around!
Avoid writing “I think” or “I belive,” because it is obvious that you are writing the essay. The only time you should bring in the first person pronoun is if you have a personal anecdote to use as evidence.