Marriage is about Love & Respect – both are vital for the best.
I am experiencing something that is 'impacting me' in such a wonderful way.....an empowering way, a
way of tremendous 'hope'.....that I just have to share it with each of you. (And, maybe you don't need
this.....I hope you don't.....but if statistics are any measure, then we all can benefit.)
My wife Suzanne, who I dearly love and respect.....and because she loves God, I feel is the only reason
she could possibly love me.....and is the reason we are still married.....because we have had some
tremendous 'disagreements'......'arguments'.....'differences of opinion'.....and more, I feel, we have not
learned to 'resolve' issues in a manner that promotes peaceful, loving understanding. Too often we have
gone to what I term as 'a volcano eruption' in this 'process.' Our 'conflict resolution' has not really worked,
we just seem to try to 'cover over our hurt or disappointment' -- to try to ignore it, until it surfaces again -and we have another 'volcano' or 'near volcano.' (I feel surely it 'must be me' that I am just a 'relationship
failure' -- and I'm sure most of our friends would also accept that I am a difficult person as far as
relationships.) But in our marriage this is a circle that has become too much a part of our life -- the person
who wrote the book I am going to recommend calls it the "Crazy Cycle."
I have gotten so frustrated I have 'given it to God' over-and-over, because I just do not have the answers -and as men, don't we feel 'responsible to be fixers?' (And I know too she does the same -- pleading to the
Lord for her marriage and our love.)
The results, we are still together and love each other, although some of the 'scars' we are inflicting on each
other are still there, and still causing hurt --- and then, since unresolved, can resurface.
We have also attended professional counseling......and I believe it has shown her I value our marriage
enough to 'submit myself' to this process. And I feel I understand 'what and why' I am like I am. But it has
not 'solved our problem in conflict resolution.' I realize he has told me I need to "listen to her heart." To
me, it seems like most of it is directed in trying to get me to 'understand her' -- and as a man, truthfully, I
don't even feel women fully understand women. In comparison I feel men are simple and basic
comparably.
But, one thing I have learned is if she reads something and is really impressed by it, and asks me to read
it, then, just from a perspective of 'validation'....I try to read it. And she has been the one to first read a
couple of books that when I then read them, truly impacted me. Wild at Heart, by John Eldridge is one,
and also Heaven, by Randy Alcorn.....both of which I've shared insight from with you.
The Bible says: Eccl 9:9 Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life
which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have
labored under the sun.
So, the Lord's will is for us to truly love and enjoy one another....marriage is the model He introduced,
and is also the model for Christ and the Church. Then, why is this so darn difficult?
Well, Suzanne has read another book she has asked me to read.....Love & Respect, by Dr. Emerson
Eggerichs (ISBN 1-59145-187-6). But the 'effect upon her'....the 'dramatic change in her attitude and
demeanor towards me,' that alone would cause me to 'read this book.'
She looks at me differently, and leaves me the most wonderful little post-it notes (because as a personal
trainer, she often leaves for her first client before I get up.) I am truly being touched..... fearfully, because
I 'wonder' if it will last......but oh my gosh, her expression and look at me is so fulfilling....like I truly am
important to her....I am the man she fell in love with. Awesome! (Which has rejuvenated my loving
softness toward her. I feel more like 'courting her again.')
Let me briefly share with you hopefully enough to encourage you to get a copy to read for yourself, and
hopefully too your spouse.
Emerson, a Christian family counselor, and his spouse, Sarah's marriage relationship (since 1973) finally
led them to grab the fullness of Paul's admonition in this scripture:
Eph 5:33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the
wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
And by 'fullness' I mean the full Scripture..... both sides of it.....love......and respect. And it
revolutionalized Emerson's family counseling concepts.
Love alone is not enough. Yes, love is vital, especially for the wife, but what we have missed is the
husband's need for respect. (And that is what is needed and involved in a man becoming as God intended
him to be, head of the family, as I've been discussing under 'headship.')
Here is one letter Emerson received after a couple came to one of his 'Love and Respect marriage
conferences.'
"My husband and I attended your Love and Respect marriage conference. A few days before we had
gotten into another "Crazy Cycle" (***My note: his terminology for what I also described in Suzanne's
and my marriage) -- and decided we had had enough and were going to end our marriage. We were both
hurt, sad, angry, and despondent. By the way, we are both believers and I work on the staff of a large
church.
We had been seeing a Christian marriage counselor and I can honestly say that your conference not
only saved our marriage but actually helped us more and gave us more information and strategies than
counseling ever did. We had decided to go as a last-ditch effort, but my husband really didn't believe it
would help and almost didn't go. (**My note: I am so like that too......and have found by going the extra
mile so to speak that 'if I hadn't, I would have missed the banquet the Lord has prepared for me by going
one more mile because of Him.') The truths God has revealed to you are both simple and profound....They
started a healing process and revolutionized our marriage. If only we had been given this information 35
years ago, what heartache and pain it would have saved us.
Let me just say, after the close on Saturday, we spent the best afternoon and evening with each other
we have had in years. It was like we were in our twenties again and so in love. Emerson, I can honestly
tell you, I never realized how important, how life-giving, respect was to my husband."
Do you want some peace? Do you want to feel close to your spouse? Do you want to feel understood? Do
you want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then try some Love and Respect!
This book is for anyone: People in crisis....spouses headed for divorce.....husbands and wives in a second
marriage......people wanting to stay happily married...spouses married to unbelievers......divorcees trying
to heal......lonely wives......browbeaten husbands.....spouses in affairs...victims of affairs......engaged
couples......pastors or counselors looking for material that can save marriages.
Three more letters he received (and there are many):
"Just a few days ago I decided to tell my husband that I respect him. It felt so awkward to say the
words, but I went for it and the reaction was unbelievable! He asked me why I respected him. I listed off a
few things, and watched his demeanor change right before my very eyes."
"I am sad that I have been married twenty-two years and just now understand the Respect message. I
wrote my husband two letters about why I respected him. I am amazed at how it has softened him in his
response to me. I have prayed for years that my husband would love me and speak my love language. But
when I began to speak his language, then he responded with what I have wanted."
"I wanted to let you know, I GOT IT! God granted me the power of this revelation of respecting my
husband.....This revelation.......has changed everything in my marriage -- my approach, my response, my
relationship to God and my husband. It was the missing piece."
And please remember, it was my wife who found this book, read it, and began applying what she got from
it.....that has already dramatically impacted me....softened me.....emphasized that 'we are different'.....but
has helped us to both understand each other.....and that difference.
This is the only book that has 'validated' us as men.......instead of this stuff culture or society has tried to
get us to 'buy into' about 'getting in touch with our feminine selves.' I just do NOT have a 'feminine self.' I
am a man. I love my wife as a man. I am so glad she is now accepting that, and responding in
understanding me emotionally too.
All truth is in the Bible. I believe it is the only 'absolute truth' we have. But the Lord has 'gifted' some in
more and deeper understanding and illumination of His word......in order to teach and encourage others.
Today, with the advance of communications, more of us can truly benefit, if we are willing to
search.....then to measure it to God's word.
I think this book has something of tremendous value -- and hope this encourages you to 'continue going
that extra mile'......and maybe will help you too.
In Him,
Bill