Nuts & Bolts of Scientific Writing:
Originals of Examples for Revision Practice
This file contains an MSWord version of all the examples included in the module, Nuts &
Bolts of Scientific Writing. Keep this file open as you work through the module, and
attempt you own revisions of each example before you look at my revision. This hands-on
practice will greatly enhance your learning.
Part 1: WORD CHOICE & SENTENCE STRUCTURE
TIP 1. Create Sentences around Carefully Chosen Subjects and Vigorous Verbs
Example 1. There is little quantitative data available identifying the relative importance of the
many factors in the NICU that produce housestaff stress.
Example 2. The effect of withdrawing CoQ10 and its reversibility on cardiac function was
another observation that demonstrates the action of CoQ10 having a therapeutic effect
instead of mere coincidence.
Example 3. Loss of revenue in terms of productivity and medical costs due to human and
animal diseases caused by these trypanosomes has an overwhelming effect on socioeconomic growth of endemic countries.
Example 4. Once thought to be uniformly susceptible to the penicillins, it is now apparent that
resistant strains of this organism may occur.
TIP 2. Omit Needless Words and Empty Phrases
Example 5. After careful consideration of all the foregoing lines of evidence, it is apparent
to us that among all the antibiotics discussed, penicillin is the one that should be chosen for
the treatment of infections caused by the streptococcus.
Example 6. Persons age 5 to 14 years are perennially more likely to have acute HAV than
those older than 15 or less than 4 years of age.
Example 7. When we speak of treatment for heart failure patients, there are two aspects to
be addressed. One is the necessity to improve the quality of life and the second is the
necessity to delay death.
Example 8. While it is the case that responses for many women who engaged in the risk
behaviors prior to pregnancy suggested that they stopped for the duration of their pregnancy, it
is also the case that there is a strong potential for women to underreport these behaviors
during pregnancy.
TIP 3. Use Specific and Concrete Language
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Example 9. Mothers who reported greater feelings of control over important aspects of their
life evidenced more favorable pregnancy outcomes in terms of their infants weighing more and
being born closer to term.
Example 10. In this group we observed a predominance of central apneas which accounted
for more than 70% of the total number of spells.
TIP 4. Use Active Voice And Active Constructions
Example 11. A study was performed on the causes behind the decrease in the identification
of child abuse in the ER by the Social Services staff.
Example 12. Clinical records were abstracted for demographic data, history, the results of
their diagnostic evaluation, and the subsequent course of their hypertension.
Example 13. End stage renal disease patients with severe disability can continue dialysis in a
more convenient and comfortable setting at home, and yet be relatively cost-effective.
TIP 5. Keep Related Words Together
Example 14. It has also been shown that, on falling asleep, the transdiaphragmatic pressure
rises in adults.
Example 15. By using PET, it may allow identification of patients who achieved pathologic
complete response to radiation therapy before surgery.
Example 16. We have previously shown that unbound bilirubin (also referred to as nonalbumin bound or free bilirubin) is a more sensitive and specific predictor than total serum
bilirubin or the Bilirubin:Albumin (B:A) molar ratio of auditory dysfunction as evaluated by
auditory brainstem evoked response (ABR) in premature infants.
Example 17. This series of patients revealed potential long term benefits of hydroxyurea
containing regimens that were unexpected.
Example 18. Whether these differences can be exploited for the development of anti-parasite
drug therapies would require the questions related to vital dependence of protosoans on GPIanchored molecules, functional properties of the enzymes involved in biosynthesis and
attachment of GPIs in trypanosomes and mammalian cells to be addressed.
TIP 6. Express Coordinated Ideas in Parallel Form
Example 19. Plasmin, a protease, plays a significant role not only in degrading fibrin, but also
as a regulator of tissue repair and remodeling.
Example 20. The urea-induced conductance completely reversed upon removal of urea, was
non-selective, and the magnitude was voltage dependent.
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Example 21. Adherence ranges from 10-30% for simple interventions, more intensive
interventions result in higher rates of up to 50%.
Example 22. Given a prevalence of osteoporosis of 10.8% (similar to previous reports), the
predictive value positive and negative for the ORAI were 19.7% and 94.5% respectively.
These compare to a predictive value positive of 19.0% and a predictive value negative of
92.9% for the SCORE instrument.
Example 23. Abdominal pain, a common complaint in childhood, may be a symptom of an
acute or even catastrophic intra-abdominal process, an indicator of a chronic physiologically
based malfunction of the viscera or a reflection of an abdominal organ as the target of
psychological stresses perceived by the complaining child.
Example 24. The Pew Commission was particularly forceful in its calls for changes in
curricula, suggesting that innovations were needed to redefine courses of study to provide for
core instruction and to emphasize that educational programs should be organized around
competencies.
Part 2: PARAGRAPHS & PARAGRAPH SEQUENCES
Paragraph Example 1: From Introduction to a Book Chapter
In severe cases, spotted fever group rickettsiae can cause noncardiogenic pulmonary
edema/adult respiratory distress syndrome, interstitial pneumonia, pre-renal azotemia with
renal failure, hemorrhagic rash, peripheral edema and hypovolemic hypotension due to loss of
intravascular fluid into the extravascular space. However, the central nervous system (CNS) is
the most crucial target organ. The sequelae in untreated and severely ill patients include
deafness, impaired vision, intellectual deficits, ataxia, aphasia, paraplegia, behavioral
disturbances and other neurologic defects. Rickettsial encephalitis is associated with a fatal
outcome as is shown by the higher frequency of coma in fatal cases. Twenty six percent to
28% of Rocky Mountain spotted fever (RMSF) patients show clinically apparent rickettsial
encephalitis.
Paragraph Example 2: From Discussion Section of a Paper
The effects of urea have been studied on both epithelial and non-epithelial cells. In the frog
skin, the addition of 300 mM urea to the external solution (mucosal solution) caused an
increase in the paracellular permeability to sodium, chloride, potassium and urea ( Mandel,
1975). Using electrophysiological techniques, the addition of 240 mM urea to the mucosal
solution of the toad urinary bladder caused a rapid (complete within ~15 seconds) and large
increase (10 fold) in tight junction conductance (Reuss and Finn, 1975). Of interest is that
these authors also reported a two fold increase in the transcellular conductance, however the
effect of mucosal urea on active ion transport was not reported. In contrast, mucosal addition
of urea (up to 2 M) to the mammalian urinary bladder did not result in a measurable change in
junctional conductance or cell conductance (Lewis and Clausen, 1991 and this study). The
different response of the toad bladder compared to mammalian bladder to mucosal urea is not
due to a difference in apical membrane urea permeability since the apical membrane
permeability to urea is very low and similar for these epithelia (Negrete et al., 1996). This
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suggests that the extra- or intracellular regulation of tight junction conductance is different
between these epithelia.
Paragraph Example 3: Background of a Grant Proposal
Preterm delivery remains the main unresolved problem of obstetrics and society. It is the
number one cause of perinatal mortality. Seventy five percent of perinatal mortality not due to
congenital malformations is a result of preterm delivery. Neonates with birthweight below
1500 g have a 200 times higher chance of dying in the first year of life than those with normal
birthweight at term. Furthermore, survivors of the group weighing less than 1500 g at birth
have a 10 fold higher frequency of neurologic impairment. In addition to increased perinatal
mortality and neurologic impairment, prematurity also disproportionally contributes to a long list
of other very debilitating conditions. These include among others: developmental delay, visual
and hearing impairment, chronic lung disease, cerebral palsy, and a group of children healthy
at birth, but underachieving at school. Unfortunately, the incidence of preterm delivery has not
changed during the last forty years{ACOG 1995}. Moreover, there is a trend toward an
increased incidence since the 1980’s coinciding with the introduction of tocolysis to obstetrical
practice. The most potent demographic risk factor for preterm delivery is a patient’s history of
a prior preterm delivery. The earlier the prior preterm delivery occurred, the higher is the risk.
The risk also increases with the number of prior preterm deliveries. The risk is about 14 %
with no history of preterm delivery, 23 – 38 % with a history of one and about 51 % with a
history of two prior preterm deliveries{Mercer, Goldenberg, et al. 1999}. The issue of preterm
delivery is confounded by a lack of consensus in regard to diagnostic criteria for preterm labor
and thus effectiveness of the current management. The confusion is a direct result of our
lack of understanding of the mechanism of labor both preterm and term. It is apparent,
therefore, that an understanding of the mechanism, and especially it’s molecular basis, is of a
paramount importance.
Paragraph Example 4: Introduction Section of a Paper
Both tubular carcinoma (TC) and radial sclerosing lesion (RSL) can have a similar gross and
histologic appearance. The crucial diagnostic difference is in the recognition of the outer
myoepithelial cell layer surrounding the epithelium of RSL, which is in turn encircled by the
basement membrane. Tubules of TC are lined by a single layer of well differentiated malignant
epithelium without the outer myoepithelial cell layer. Myoepithelial cells can be highlighted by
immunostaining for smooth muscle actin (SMA) or for S-100 protein. Antibodies to SMA also
stain myofibroblasts, which can be abundant in the stroma of tubular carcinoma, with some of
them approximating the malignant tubules thus creating a false impression of a myoepithelial
cell layer. S-100 immunostaining has been reported to have poor specificity for myoepithelial
cells in the breast. Maspin, or mammary serpin, is considered to be related to the serpin family
of protease inhibitors. Although it appears to have a tumor suppressor effect in in-vitro studies,
its precise function in-vivo is not clear. Metallothionein is a low molecular weight protein with
heavy metal binding properties. Maspin and metallothionein have been reported to be
expressed at very high levels in mammary myoepithelium. In this study we determined the
efficacy of maspin and metallothionein immunohistochemistry in illustrating the myoepithelial
cell layer as compared to SMA and S-100 in distinguishing radial sclerosing lesion from tubular
carcinoma.
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