Modern Horoscopes from The Onion
A. Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23 Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be
afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
B. Sagittarius You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become
an actual lightning rod.
C. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Smile! Somebody out there loves you.
On second thought, don't smile.
D. Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and
those who won't die in a drug-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
Ancient Horoscopes from 4Q186 (aka Astrological Physiognomies)
E. 3 [And] anyone [whose] eyes are 4 [. and lo]ng, but th[e]y are fix[e]d, 5 whose thighs are long
and slender, whose toes 6 are slender and long, and who was born during the second phase of the
moon: 7 he possesses a spirit with six parts light, but three parts in the House of 8 Darkness.
This is the birth sign under which such a person shall be born: 9 the haunch of Taurus. He will be
poor. This is his animal: the bull.
F. 2 and whose head [.,] [whose] ey[es] 3 inspire fear [and are .,] whose teeth protrude (?), whose 4
fingers are thick, whose thighs are thick and extremely hairy, 5 and whose toes are thick and short: he
possesses a spirit with [ei]ght 6 parts in the House of [Darkness] and one from the House of Light .
G. regula[r,] whose [e]yes are neither dark n[or] light (?), whose beard 2 is sp[arse] and medium curly,
whose voice resonates, whose teeth 3 are fine and regular, who is neither tall 4 nor short but is well
built, whose fingers are thin 5 and long, whose thighs are hairless, the soles of whose feet 6 [and
whose to]es are as they should be: he possesses a spirit 7 [.] eight parts [from the House of Light] and
o[ne] 8 [in the House of Darkness. This is the birth sign under which] such a person shall be born
Songs of the Sabbath Sacrifice
H. 4Q400 f1i:1
[A text belonging to the Instructor. The song accompanying the sacrifice on the] first [Sabbath,] sung
on the fourth of the first month. Praise 2 [the God of .,] you godlike beings of utter holiness; [rejoice]
in his divine 3 [kingdom. For He has established] utter holiness among the eternally holy, that they
might become for Him priests 4 [of the inner sanctum in His royal temple,] ministers of the Presence
in His glorious innermost chamber. In the congregation of all the [wise] godlike beings, 5 [and in the
councils of all the] divine [spirits,] He has engraved His precepts to govern all spiritual works, and His
[glorious] laws 6 [for all the] wise [divine beings,] that sage congregation honored by God, those who
draw near to knowledge.
I. 11QPsalms Scroll 27:5-7
‫ה"ה‬/ ‫ תלמוד ירושלמי מסכת ברכות פרק ד דף ח טור ג‬.J
‫ואם לאו יכוין את לבו כנגד בית קדש הקדשים לאי זה בית קדש הקדשים ר' חייא רבא כנגד קדשי הקדשי' שלמעלן ר' שמעון‬
‫בן חלפתא אמ' כנגד בית קדש הקדשים שלמטן א"ר פינחס לא פליגין בית קדשי הקדשים שלמטן מכוון כנגד בית קדש‬
‫הקדשים שלמעלן מכון לשבתך מכוון כנגד שבתך‬
K. Bavli Hagiga 12b
R. Judah said: There are two firmaments, for it is said: Behold, unto the Lord thy God belongeth
heaven, and the heaven of heavens.
Resh Lakish said: [There are] seven, namely, Wilon, Rakia’, Shehakim, Zebul, Ma'on, Makon,
‘Araboth. Wilon serves no purpose except that it enters in the morning and goes forth in the evening
and renews every day the work of creation, for it is said: That stretcheth out the heavens as a curtain,
and spreadeth them out as a tent to dwell in. Rakia’ is that in which sun and moon, stars and
constellations are set, for it is said: And God set them in the firmament [Rakia’] of the heaven.
Shehakim is that in which millstones stand and grind manna for the righteous for it is said: And He
commanded the skies [Shehakim] above, and opened the doors of heaven; and He caused manna to
rain upon them for food etc.
Zebul is that in which [the heavenly] Jerusalem and the Temple and the Altar are built, and Michael,
the great Prince, stands and offers up thereon an offering, for it is said: I have surely built Thee a house
of habitation [Zebul], a place for Thee to dwell in for ever…
Ma'on is that in which there are companies of Ministering Angels, who utter [divine] song by night,
and are silent by day for the sake of Israel's glory, for it is said: By day the Lord doth command His
lovingkindness, and in the night His song is with me.
Do Angel Perform Misvot?
L. Jubilees 2:18-19
And every one that is born, the flesh of whose foreskin is not circumcised on the eighth day, belongs
not to the children of the covenant which the Lord made with Abraham, but to the children of
destruction; nor is there, moreover, any sign on him that he is the Lord's, but (he is destined) to be
destroyed and slain from the earth, and to be rooted out of the earth, for he hath broken the covenant of
the Lord our God. 27. For all the angels of the presence and all the angels of sanctification have been
so created from the day of their creation, and before the angels of the presence and the angels of
sanctification He hath sanctified Israel, that they should be with Him and with His holy angels.
M. Jubilees 15:26-27
And He gave us a great sign, the Sabbath day, that we should work six days, but keep Sabbath on the
seventh day from all work. 18. And all the angels of the presence, and all the angels of sanctification,
these two great classes—He hath hidden us to keep the Sabbath with Him in heaven and on earth. 19.
And He said unto us: "Behold, I will separate unto Myself a people from among all the peoples, and
these will keep the Sabbath day, and I will sanctify them unto Myself as My people, and will bless
them; as I have sanctified the Sabbath day and do sanctify (it) unto Myself, even so shall I bless them,
and they will be My people and I shall be their God.
.‫פט‬-:‫ בבלי שבת פח‬.N
‫ מה לילוד‬,‫ רבונו של עולם‬:‫ בשעה שעלה משה למרום אמרו מלאכי השרת לפני הקדוש ברוך הוא‬:‫ואמר רבי יהושע בן לוי‬
‫ חמודה גנוזה שגנוזה לך תשע מאות ושבעים וארבעה דורות קודם שנברא‬:‫ אמרו לפניו‬.‫ לקבל תורה בא‬:‫אשה בינינו? אמר להן‬
‫ אתה מבקש ליתנה לבשר ודם? (תהלים ח) מה אנוש כי תזכרנו ובן אדם כי תפקדנו (תהלים ח) ה' אדנינו מה אדיר‬,‫העולם‬
!‫ החזיר להן תשובה‬:‫ אמר לו הקדוש ברוך הוא למשה‬- !‫שמך בכל הארץ אשר תנה הודך על השמים‬
.‫ (שמות כ) אנכי ה' אלהיך אשר הוצאתיך מארץ מצרים‬- ‫ תורה שאתה נותן לי מה כתיב בה‬,‫ רבונו של עולם‬:‫אמר לפניו‬...
‫ בין‬,‫ לא יהיה לך אלהים אחרים‬- ‫ תורה למה תהא לכם? שוב מה כתיב בה‬,‫ לפרעה השתעבדתם‬,‫ למצרים ירדתם‬:‫אמר להן‬
‫ זכור את יום השבת לקדשו כלום אתם עושים מלאכה שאתם‬- ‫הגויים אתם שרויין שעובדין עבודה זרה? שוב מה כתיב בה‬
‫ כבד את אביך ואת אמך אב ואם יש‬- ‫ משא ומתן יש ביניכם? שוב מה כתיב בה‬,‫ לא תשא‬- ‫צריכין שבות? שוב מה כתיב בה‬
,‫ יצר הרע יש ביניכם? מיד הודו לו להקדוש ברוך הוא‬,‫ קנאה יש ביניכם‬,‫לכם? שוב מה כתיב בה לא תרצח לא תנאף לא תגנב‬