Introduction to Interpersonal Neurobiology
Dr. Daniel J. Siegel has pioneered the new field of “interpersonal neurobiology” that
describes an entirely new understanding of how human beings develop as evidenced in
the consilience emerging in research from disparate fields of study.1 Siegel is Harvardtrained, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and co-director of the Mindful
Awareness Research Center. In his numerous publications (books and journal articles)
he asserts that our shared subjective experience is at the core of human relationships
and developmental growth.2 He notes, “This perspective of an interpersonal
neurobiology of the developing mind yields a scientific, objective view of the importance
of subjectivity in human life.”3 What you and I perceive of the world passes through the
lens of “me” and that lens is shaped not only by our genetic tendencies, but by our
interactions with the world. We are basically one component of a giant, ever shifting
feedback loop.
Genetics gives us the building blocks of the brain, but our understanding of the world
and ourselves is created by our environment.4 In short, Siegel and others say the human
brain and its architecture develop as a result of the interactions we have with others
throughout life, but most importantly in our earliest years.5 Human relationships impact
the development of our neural net profile, or specific firing patterns within the brain, as
well as how our alarm system functions from our earliest moments of life.6 Is it startling
to think that the architecture of your brain is influenced by and influences the physical
architecture of other human brains? Is it possible that this is physical evidence of the
interconnectedness of life?
Mommies, Daddies, Babies & Brains
Human babies are utterly helpless when born. Without the nurture and care of others
they will die. Research has shown that physical sustenance (food, water, sleep) is not
enough for survival; infants need touch, emotional bonding, and to feel connected to
others.7 Due to their helplessness, infants are hard-wired to reach out for support, and
how their caregivers or “attachment figures” respond is of crucial importance.8 Because
humans are also hard-wired to look for threat, the brain is on alert and uses its built-in
“alarm system” to notice and register any disconnection from our caregivers that is
experienced or imagined.
1
“An Interpersonal Neurobiology Approach to Psychotherapy,” Daniel J. Siegel, Psychiatric Annals, April 2006, 36, 4, page 248
“Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,”
Daniel J. Siegel, The Infant Mental Health Journal , Vol. 22(1-2), 2001, page 90
3 Ibid
4 Ibid, page 71
5 Ibid, page 90
6
Ibid, page 69
7 “Emotional Learning in Infants: A Cross-Cultural Examination”, Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller,
http://www.naturalchild.org/research/emotional_learning_infants.html, accessed January 7, 2011
8 “Attachment Theory and Affect Regulation: The Dynamics, Development, and Cognitive Consequences of Attachment-Related
Strategies,” Mario Mikulincer, Phillip R. Shaver, and Dana Pereg, Motivation and Emotion, Vol. 27, No. 2, June 2003
2
During the first few years of life the right hemisphere of the brain is dominant,9 so nonverbal cues are the primary way we feel connected: Facial expressions, eye contact,
tone of voice, touch, emotional expression are all taken in and reviewed as either life
affirming/connected or life threatening/disconnected.10 This information is then stored
in the brain in pre-verbal or “implicit” memories.11
These experiences/memories are where we draw our interpretations, assumptions, and
conclusions about ourselves and the world.12 With each new interaction we get a layer
of information and we adjust our ideas of who we are, whether we are safe, and what
we can expect from the world and from relationships.13 This feedback loop and the
adjustments we make to our sense of self and our environment strengthen certain
neural connections and allow other connections to wither and die.14 In this way, the
brain becomes wired according to the specific feedback we receive. The feedback
creates the default settings for our alarm system and sets up the neural firing patterns
in our neural net profile.15 The
intersection of feedback from our
relationships and the emerging physical
architecture of the brain and its firing
patterns lead to the development of
the mind, which can be defined as the
intangible processes that regulate the
flow of information and energy.16 The
best understanding of the development
of the mind integrates neurobiology
and developmental psychology
research. Siegel uses a triangle to
Figure 1
graphically illustrate the connections
between relationships, the brain and
17
the mind (see figure 1 ).
Detailed studies have demonstrated that babies with parents able to connect well nonverbally develop positive ideas about themselves and the world; they are said to be
“securely attached” and they enjoy “enhanced emotional flexibility, social functioning,
9
“Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,”
Daniel J. Siegel, The Infant Mental Health Journal , Vol. 22(1-2), 2001, page 83
10 Ibid, page 78
11 Ibid, page 74
12 The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010 pages 16-18 of printed notes provided by the speaker
13 Ibid, page 3
14 “Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,”
Daniel J. Siegel, The Infant Mental Health Journal , Vol. 22(1-2), 2001 page 90
15 Ibid, page 75
16 “An Interpersonal Neurobiology Approach to Psychotherapy,” Daniel J. Siegel, Psychiatric Annals, April 2006, Volume 36, Issue 4,
page 248
17
Ibid, page 250
and cognitive abilities.”18 Relating non-verbally, which is primarily a right brain
experience, can be challenging to adults, particularly those who live in cultures that
favor left-brained approaches.19 Many have a natural favoring of the left brain and
others may become conditioned so in order to succeed in a left-brain dominant, verbal
and logical world. Parents who are not aware of the critical importance of non-verbal
cues are unable to make conscious choices to address this natural gap. Further, research
shows that parents who have unresolved trauma and grief from their early years have
generally developed coping strategies that hinder this critical connection from taking
place.20 “The mind of the child appears to develop a core manner in which the mental
states of other individuals become represented within the neural functioning of the
brain.”21 This is how generational trauma can occur. Each parent’s unresolved trauma
becomes the foundation of their child’s trauma.22
The strength (or weakness) of the connection we have with our caregivers directly
impacts our “core-self,” which is constantly receiving and interpreting its experiences
and integrating those interpretations.23 This feeds into the development of the
subjective self, or a felt sense of I-ness and one’s place in the world.24 In effect, “a child
uses the state of mind of the parent to help organize her own mental processes.” 25 As
our verbal skills come on line around 18 to 24 months and beyond, we continue
developing our sense of self though the language we hear and use. We develop a verbal
self and a narrative self, which now knows the story of “me” and how “I” developed.
The child’s ability to self-regulate is impacted by this growing sense of self in the hereand-now and his or her growing autobiographical sense of self from the past through to
the present.26 How well we integrate our experiences into a coherent understanding
and a positive sense of self and our place in the world is critical to our long-term ability
to regulate our emotional life. As Siegel says, “Coherent interpersonal relationships
produce coherent neural integration within the child that is at the root of adaptive ‘selfregulation’”27
As we come to better understand the impact of interpersonal experiences in brain and
mind development, we can see how childhood traumas, small or large, impact the
ability to self-regulate. There may be no such thing as a trauma-free, ideally nurturing
infant environment with caregivers who are able to masterfully self-regulate, whose
non-verbal and verbal cues are consistent and their combined message is always life
affirming, where children feel seen and “feel felt” most all of the time, where there is no
18
“Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,”
Daniel J. Siegel, The Infant Mental Health Journal , Vol. 22(1-2), 2001page 77
19 “Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,”
Daniel J. Siegel, The Infant Mental Health Journal , Vol. 22(1-2), 2001page 77
20 Ibid
21 Ibid, page 82
22 Ibid
23
Ibid, page 75
24 Ibid
25 Ibid, page 81
26 Ibid, page 75
27
Ibid, page 86
emotional, verbal, or physical abuse of any sort, and where there is no experience of
loss.28 Fortunately a perfect environment is not required to form secure attachments.
Even so, a 2005 study noted that approximately 45% of children do not experience
secure attachments, which is a 10% increase from just 10 years earlier.29
However, we must be wary of using this dynamic to “blame” parents. Being human
means being born into an imperfect care-giving environment. Even those who
developed a secure attachment as a child have no immunity to the brain’s alarm system
and its tendency to incorrectly match present day circumstances with past moments of
fear and hurt. Understanding the factors that contribute to the capacity for healthy selfregulation is crucial to developing intervention strategies. There is relief in getting a
clear sense of the biology, psychology and relational dynamics at the root of our
response patterns. And because of the brain’s life-long plasticity, there are effective
strategies for increasing capacity for self-regulation.30
Self-Regulation: The Holy Grail of Happiness
When we think of happiness we often associate it with an emotional state or a mood.
Emotions and moods are aspects of affect. Emotion is usually clear and focused as it is
connected to event or experience (obvious cause-effect), while mood is more unfocused
and diffused where there is no clear event which can be pointed to as the cause. 31 The
ability to regulate affect is at the core of a conscious life. When our emotions and mood
seem beyond our control, we feel helpless and often hopeless. We see ourselves as
victims impacted by external events which cause our emotional state. We blame others,
our past, and/or our circumstances for our moods and emotions. It seems that being
anxious, excited, embarrassed, afraid, engaged, content or lonely is a result of some
outside force. We blame, judge, praise and admire, never realizing that our emotional
life and the resulting behavioral
responses are primarily a result of
our early relationships and their
impact on our developing neural
architecture (brain) and sense of
self (mind). Without the ability to
consciously regulate our emotions,
we are locked into emotional
states, moods and behavioral
responses that are dictated by our
default alarm system settings and
28
The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010 from printed notes provided by the speaker, pages 6-8
29 The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010 from printed notes provided by the speaker, page 4
30 “Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships, “Mindsight,” and Neural Integration,”
Daniel J. Siegel, The Infant Mental Health Journal , Vol. 22(1-2), 2001, page 70
31 The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010
habituated firing patterns. It is impossible to predict how many times in a day, week or
month we are responding to false alarms, unaware that our biology and psychology
have set us up.
Further compounding the issue is the lightning speed of the stimulus-response pattern.
When we perceive ourselves to be in a threatening situation, the amygdala—a major
player in the alarm system—sends out signals to the body even before we are conscious
of the situation.32 The amygdala is designed to act first, think later, which may explain
why we find ourselves regretting an angry outburst or withering comment when our
higher thinking brain has a chance to reflect on the damage we may have done. New
research has shown that emotions displayed on human faces do not register in the neocortex, but in the amygdala, meaning before a word is uttered, we can already be in a
state of alarm from non-verbal cues. 33 This precognitive response is very helpful in a
truly threatening situation. However, most of what adults respond to in day-to-day,
modern living is not imminently dangerous (obvious exceptions include abusive
relationships). Rather, the alarm system is going off because implicit memories and/or
explicit memories related to our childhood sense of safety and well-being have been
triggered by something, which mimics the original situation that created the memory
(when the potential for real danger did exist).34
When our “buttons” have been pushed, implicit flooding takes place and we no longer
have access to the higher thinking of the neo-cortex.35 The resulting interactions with
others and self will be impacted by: 1) The intensity of the alarm itself; 2) the sensitivity
to the stimulus (how much or little is needed to be triggered; 3) the specificity (the
range of experiences that set off the alarm); 4) the window of tolerance (as affected by
one’s current state, social context, and physiology); 5) the refractory period (how long
one is stuck in lower brain functions); and 6) access to consciousness (how much selfawareness and meta-cognition exists).36 Because having our buttons pushed is
uncomfortable, we attempt to get people to stop pushing them, or we try to get away
from the button-pushers. We find new spouses, new jobs, and new neighbors and
before long, they are pushing our buttons too. Trying to keep our buttons from being
pushed is a red herring on the quest for happiness. We simply have too many buttons.
Happiness can never be achieved by trying to order our external life in a way that allows
us to feel safe, secure and content, because our sense of safety and wellbeing resides in
the architecture of the brain and the sense of self in the mind. The Holy Grail of
Happiness is becoming masters of ourselves, learning to transcend our biological
tendencies and psychological habits so that we begin consciously regulating ourselves in
32
The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010, page 14 of printed notes provided by the speaker
33
Joe Dispenza, Evolve Your Brain: The Science of Changing your Mind, (Deerfield Beach, Florida) 2007 page 122
34 The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010 page 14 of printed notes provided by the speaker
35 Ibid
36
Ibid, page 20
moments when we feel triggered. In effect, we shift the focus away from stopping the
button pushers or protecting our buttons from being pushed, to strategies that are
more akin to “button-removal.”
Improving Self-Regulation through a New Sense of Self
The new science of interpersonal neurobiology may make “transcending our biology and
our psychology” less of a mystery. As we come to intellectually understand the
mechanisms at play, there is an inherent sense that possibilities for intervention exist. In
fact, it has been proposed that these discoveries from the new neuroscience can and
should revolutionize the way psychotherapy is approached.37 Life coaches and spiritual
counselors can also benefit from the interpersonal neural biology perspective. Using this
new information coaches, counselors and therapists can offer new ways to help clients
understand how and why they get triggered and practice strategies for self-regulation
before, during and after a trigger incident. Now briefed, the client is no longer so
mysterious to himself. When he feels a rush of emotion coming on in the midst of a
meeting he can imagine his neural net firing. He can remind himself it is not him but his
brain’s alarm system that is reacting. And it is very likely reacting to old memories
(implicit or explicit) which are being mimicked by the current situation. Having the
ability to step outside of the experience and reflect on it, even as it is unfolding, is a
signal that the new cortex is engaged. It may still be some time before the refractory
period subsides, but with practice, clients can learn to avoid acting until they have
ridden out the chemical rush from the perceived threat.
Now it’s time to make use of the feedback mechanism that builds the brain and sense of
self or mind. The more often one recalls this cognitive information, the more it can
impact the sense of self and the neural net profile. As the client reflects on and
experiments with this new approach, the sense of self (mind) is adjusted, coming to see
that “I am not my neural firing patterns!” And just as a golfer practices to improve her
golf swing, the mind can, with practice, retrain the brain’s neural net profile and its
habitual firing patterns. This ability to differentiate one’s sense of self from one’s neural
architecture provides a potent, physical distinction that has the capacity to spark a
“subject-object” transition within the mind and its sense of self.38 Once the internal or
brain experience is no longer subjective to the client (indistinguishable from the self) it
can be seen as an object the self “owns” or “has.” The new understanding dawns, “I
have neural firing patterns, but they are not who I am.”
The next level of distinction occurs when the client begins to take responsibility for his
emotional response and no longer blames external circumstances or people for his
internal experience. It now seems inappropriate to hold someone else accountable for
implicit flooding and well-worn neural firing patterns. Over time, clients reframe their
experience. Rather than believing they have been attacked or provoked into an
37
The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010 page 14 of printed notes provided by the speaker, page 19
38
Robert Kegan, In Over Our Heads, (Cambridge, Mass: Harvard University Press) 1994, page 127
emotional outburst by their “scheming” co-worker or “insensitive” spouse, they may
instead feel compassion for the co-worker or their spouse who unknowingly entered a
minefield. One might even begin to feel compassion for others and most certainly begin
to feel some motivation to find strategies to rewire the faulty alarm system and avoid its
resulting behavioral missteps. Communication can shift in significant ways. Instead of
claiming, “You pushed my buttons, you made me blow up!” one can now say, “I felt
triggered by what you said;” or better yet, “Wow! I can feel my alarm system going off; I
wonder what old memory got triggered.”
Reaching this level of awareness is a significant milestone in developmental psychology,
the shift from what Robert Kegan calls “third order of mind” to “fourth order of mind,”
which represents an expansion of the way we make meaning, the way we know things.39
“At the third order—subject to the cross-categorical construction of the self, the other,
and their relationship—the [client] cannot actually set things right by herself.”40 She
wants and needs others to change to make things feel right. This is because she has yet
to differentiate her own internal emotional and neurological processes from the
experiences she has in her relationships with others. “We cannot be responsible for, in
control of, or reflect upon that which is subject.”41 Once that differentiation is achieved
(a subject-object transition to fourth order consciousness) the client has the ability to
intervene, to reflect, to choose a new behavior, and to practice developing new habits
of response grounded in an understanding that, “I am much more than my thoughts,
feelings, and biology.” Furthermore, as the client disentangles his or her sense of self
from the habituated firing patterns of the brain, much shame and anxiety can be
released, spurring emotional integration with wounded aspects of the self.
Psychotherapy has used the term “shadow” to facilitate such emotional integration. This
term can also help create this crucial subject-object transition by objectifying disowned
aspects of the self or psyche. “I have a shadow. Some of my thoughts or feelings come
from my shadow (or disowned aspects/wounded self), but they are not who I am.” The
shadow is said to contain our greatest fears about ourselves, our sense of unworthiness,
our sense of inadequacy and isolation, our fear of being unlovable and unsafe in the
world. These are usually unconscious ideas or fears which were woven into our
developing sense of self as a result of our imperfect caregiving environment. It is of
great value for individuals to see themselves as having feelings of inadequacy, having
the fear of being unlovable, or having a sense of unworthiness, rather than believing
they are unworthy, unlovable or inadequate as this too represents a subject-object shift.
However, for some these shadow “feelings” may seem too personal to feel completely
objective. For these clients, the objectification of the brain and its neural firing patterns
may be a more powerful way to create the cognitive dissonance needed to make room
for a new view of the self. A neural firing pattern, as trainable as a muscle, can seem less
personal than a shadow and perhaps easier to shake.
39
Robert Kegan, In Over Our Heads, (Cambridge, Mass: Harvard University Press) 1994, page 22
Ibid, page 128
41
Ibid, page 32
40
As a person differentiates her sense of I from her neural architecture and from her
shadow (or emotionally wounded sense of self), the door opens for deeper questions.
“If I am not my brain and not my mind (sense of self), who am I? Continued exploration
into the question of “Who I am?” has potential to invoke a healing or reversal of the
emotional conflation that happens with others. As we grow, the development of our
sense of self includes the physical differentiation from our caregivers. There is “me” and
there are “others.” However the emotional conflation very often continues. Perhaps this
is more understandable with the knowledge that interpersonal relationships feed back
into the growing sense of self. Yet at some point, we can mature into another layer of
differentiation and develop the clarity that “I am not my relationships. I have
relationships, but they are not who I am.” And ultimately “I am not my values or value
system. I have values and a value system (system of beliefs), but it is not who I am.” This
final awareness represents the completion of the developmental shift from third order
of mind to fourth order of mind, where even our identification with our systems of
meaning making, how we think we know what is real or true, shifts from subject to
object.42
This shift in sense of self is a critical component of developing healthy self-regulation. As
long as our sense of self is emotionally conflated with the people and circumstances
outside of us and embedded in shadow thinking and habitual firing patterns related to
those people and circumstances, the self we seek to regulate is, by definition, “out
there.” This is why people at third order feel like a victim of circumstance. They blame
others and try to change them to feel happy. Until we understand that the actual “self”
we want to regulate exists within, we cannot effectively self-regulate.
Who Have You Come Here to Be?
By now it is clear that who we think we are is a function of our experiences in
relationships, our internal conclusions, interpretations and assumptions about those
interactions, and the resulting neural net profile. As we become aware that we are not
our biology, we are not our thoughts, we are not our feelings, we are not our
relationships, and we are not our values/belief system, we must find something new to
identify with. Ontological models provide one possible source. Ontology is usually
classified as a philosophical study. It is concerned with the metaphysical (beyond
physical) nature of being.43 This model shifts the question from, “Who am I?” which can
trap us into confusing who we are with what we have (our body, our shadow, our
things, our relationships, our status, our value systems, etc.) to the question, “Who am I
being?”44 Who am I being as I do what I do? What qualities of being would I prefer to
express? What qualities of being lead me toward a more fulfilling life?
42
Robert Kegan, In Over Our Heads, (Cambridge, Mass: Harvard University Press) 1994, page 128
Gary Simmons, Research Dissertation, I of the Storm (Unity Village, MO: Unity House) 2004
44
Gary Simmons, Research Dissertation, I of the Storm (Unity Village, MO: Unity House) 2004
43
If we begin to identify ourselves as here to express certain qualities of being, we set up a
new feedback loop. We shift away from the alarm system’s focus on surviving and
replace it with a focus on qualities of being that foster thriving. The intention of
expressing positive ways of being offers a counter point to the alarm system’s bias
toward negativity and danger. Consciousness, or the conscious choice to be a certain
way, acts as the impetus for creating a new lens through which to view life. If, “I am who
I have come here to be,” we hold ourselves accountable for how we are being regardless
of life’s circumstances. The more we practice this, the more we train ourselves to
behave in alignment with the qualities we choose to express. As we receive information
which triggers an implicit or explicit memory and the alarm system begins firing, we
resist the urge to act on impulse. We create space for the neo-cortex to come on line,
and for high-order thinking to engage. Now add in specific strategies to calm the
physiological response and reduce the refractory period, such as breathing, or closing
the eyes, and you have the beginning of a powerful intervention program.
The Q Process™ – A Mindfulness Intervention
As presented earlier, there are five aspects that impact emotional triggering and
regulation: intensity, sensitivity, specificity, window of tolerance, refractory period, and
access to consciousness. The preceding two sections presented cognitive and metacognitive shifts which expand self-awareness and make conscious the unconscious
patterns (physiological and psychological) that keep people stuck in old habits of
relating and behaving. However, becoming aware of these patterns is not the same
thing as developing a practice of being mindful of them. Similarly, knowing about the
subject-object transition is not the same as making the shift. Intentionally cultivating
mindfulness is one way to spur this transition.
Terry Fralich, co-founder of the Mindfulness Center in Southern Maine and licensed
clinical professional counselor, teaches mindfulness techniques to mental health
professionals. He defines mindfulness as “a way of being,” a practice of being in
“moment-to-moment non-judgmental awareness,” of consciously “taking a second look
at our first impulse, thought or reaction, and as a “practice or path of healing.” 45 He
identifies five core skills of mindfulness: 1) Clarifying, setting and reaffirming intention:
What am I practicing? 2) Cultivating a witnessing awareness: developing metacognition, state awareness, and practicing outer non-reactivity while witnessing the
inner landscape; 3) Stabilizing Attention: staying focused, placing attention on your
intention; 4) Strengthening Self-Regulation: settling negative energy intentionally,
bringing the whole brain back on line; and 5) Practicing Loving Kindness: calming the
inner critic and self-judgment, practicing non-judgmental awareness, kindness and
compassion for yourself and others.46
45
The New Neuroscience in Plain English: Revolutionize Psychotherapy by Applying the Latest from Neuroscience presented by Terry
Fralich, LCPC, Kansas City, Missouri, December 8, 2010 page 31 of printed notes provided by the speaker
46
Ibid, page 33
The Q Process™ is one example of a process that integrates these five principles. The
process invites people to use a structured reflection tool for 21 days to reframe
triggering experiences. Before entering the 21-days, participants create a Q Card and a
Shadow Card. To develop the Q Card participants complete an exercise to help them
discern “who they have come here to be.” The Shadow Card serves as a tangible
reminder of the habituated and unconscious wounded sense of self that can influence
their thoughts, feelings and behavior patterns. This preparatory work is also a key
aspect of initiating the subject-object awareness necessary for a shift in self-identity. “I
have a shadow, I am not my shadow. I am who I have come here to be!” In this way, the
Q Card and Shadow Card act as a surrogate lens through which the participant can look,
helping them to step outside of the embedded “me” lens, until such time as their “me”
lens has been permanently adjusted.
Once the Q Card and Shadow Card are ready, participants are taught a heart coherence
technique to calm the physiological response associated with the trigger. Through
breathing and focusing on the feeling of appreciation, the participant balances the
sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.47 This methodology has been
vigorously scientifically validated by the HeartMath Institute. It offers participants a
method for regulating the physical symptoms of a triggering experience. This practice
also allows the participant to slip past the alarm system’s defenses and open to other
ways of seeing the experience.
“Self-regulation of emotional experience is a key requisite to the intentional
generation of sustained positive emotions—the driver of a shift to coherent
patterns of physiological activity. Emotional self-regulation involves moment-tomoment management of distinct aspects of emotional experience. One aspect
involves the neutralization of inappropriate or dysfunctional negative emotions.
The other requires that self-activated positive emotions are modulated to remain
within the resonant frequency range of such emotions as appreciation,
compassion, and love, rather than escalating into feelings such as excitement,
euphoria, and rapture, which are associated with more unstable
psychophysiological patterns.”48
When done properly this technique can also allow for greater access to intuitive
understanding of the root cause behind the trigger.49 Having practiced this, the
participant is ready to begin the 21-day Q Process™.
The 21 days are made up of three (3) seven-day phases. Phase One focuses on trigger
moments that happened within the previous 24 hours and the critical thoughts or
47
“The Coherent Heart Heart–Brain Interactions, Psychophysiological Coherence, and the Emergence of System-Wide Order,” Rollin
McCraty, Ph.D., Mike Atkinson, Dana Tomasino, B.A., and Raymond Trevor Bradley, Ph.D., Integral Review, December 2009, Volume.
5, Issue 2, page 22
48 Ibid, page 26
49
Ibid, page 28
discordant behaviors that may have been directed outwardly. Phase Two focuses on any
critical thoughts the participant has directed inwardly (self-criticism, self-judgment)
which trigger shame, anxiety, etc. from old firing patterns. These can be selected from
any time period in life. Phase Three follows both internal and external triggers into the
past to find an explicit memory or an implicit “felt sense” associated with the pattern.
Phase Three also includes a meditative visualization in which the participant works with
the identified memory in such a way as to loosen its emotional associations.
Each phase has a worksheet associated with it. The participants complete a Phase One
worksheet once a day for seven days, then move on to the Phase Two worksheet for
seven days and then the Phase Three worksheet for the final seven days. It is
recommended that this practice is done at night before retiring. It can also be done as
part of a morning practice. The questions in the first two phases are designed to help
participants:
 become aware of their feelings about the triggering incident
 notice how they point to a shadow quality or belief
 practice feeling compassion for oneself as this fear or untrue belief was
acquired in childhood
 set the intention of releasing the fear or belief
 shift from anger at the “button pusher” to gratitude for the opportunity
to release the belief
 refocus their attention on their intention for being (who they have come
here to be);
 reframe the incident from that perspective
 imagine how the interaction or thoughts would have gone if they had
been present to their intention for being when triggered
 take an action which creates an opportunity to practice being who they
have come here to be in some related way in order to have an actual
experience and “felt sense” of this new way of being, to place into the
feedback loop
The final phase repeats the same questions from the first two phases but also takes
participants deeper by inviting them to track back in time to an explicit memory or an
implicit felt sense from their past. Using the heart-coherence technique described
earlier, participants move into a state of internal coherence. Once in this coherent state,
they allow an implicit or explicit memory to arise. Much the same way shamans do,
participants move inward on a spiritual journey to that moment in time of an explicit
memory or to the “felt sense” from an implicit memory.
Participants bring with them the concept that the events that occurred were just one
possibility in a field of infinite potential and a strategy for placing the “particle”
experience back into the “wave” of infinite potential. They are guided to select a
different particle from the wave—one in which everything that is said and done corrects
the past hurt, replaces the old belief, and provides them with the emotional support
they needed at the time that was missing in the original experience. And then, with fully
active thoughts and emotions, they allow their body-mind to actually “live” that new
experience. The stronger the emotion, the more likelihood there is that the brain’s
circuitry will be impacted and neural connections loosened.50 This offers participants
“disconfirming” feedback which challenges the old beliefs.51 The experience can be
further deepened by taking the perspective of the other(s) involved in the pattern
setting and finding a place of compassion as they see the limiting beliefs under the
offending behavior.
Again, in a shamanic-style activity, participants make the return to present day by living
a new life, one that was unencumbered from the specific belief, imagining this entirely
new life-trajectory with as much emotion and intensity possible. This is often a very
powerful and emotional experience. As with the other phases, the process is not
complete without a concrete action that provides real-world feedback of the new
experience and its corresponding new sense of self.
As the participants become more practiced with the worksheets, they are able to gain
incredible insights into their core self, their subjective self, their verbal self, and their
narrative or autobiographical self. They are able to separate their new, emerging sense
of self (as defined by a way of being) from these habitual selves that have their roots in
unmet childhood needs and that have often been strengthened and made more rigid in
adulthood. As we shift our way of being from “who we have been” to “who we have
come here to be,” we shift into a new level of emotional resonance. We impact affect
and we experience self-regulation.
Some participants report immediate success in differentiating themselves from their
patterns and this brings some relief. They see they have a pattern, but they are not the
pattern. But the relief may be short-lived as they no longer find having these old
patterns of thought and behavior desirable. While it is not the objective of the 21-day
practice to bring about a cessation of all habitual behavior, it is intended to offer
participants an opportunity to develop a new habit of “seeing,” one in which they
develop a witnessing presence, where they come to observe themselves, even in real
time. They are able to identify “worksheet moments,” saying things like, “I’ll have to do
a worksheet on this!” even in the midst of a full-on alarm.
They often report the memory work has had a profound impact on how they view the
story of their past. They are able to create new meaning which better supports their
intention and feeds back into the emerging sense of being. Of course the work carries
on after the 21 days are complete. However, if done with diligence, a new mindfulness
has been cultivated in the three-week process. Many people will choose to do the 21
50
“Integrating Interpersonal Neurobiology with Group Psychotherapy,” Bonnie Badenoch and Paul Cox, International Journal of
Group Therapy, April, 201, p. 468
51
Ibid
days a second time to strengthen the emerging patterns and continue weakening the
old. After gaining experience with the process, participants report they are often able to
reframe their experience mentally and only need the support of a worksheet in more
challenging circumstances. Research studies which measure the changes that
participants experience are needed to provide better insight into the short- and longterm effects of this work.
The Hero’s Journey: A Quest for the Holy Grail of Happiness
Roger Walsh’s book The Spirit of Shamanism explores the spiritual journey one must
take to arrive at a place of spiritual freedom and insight, a journey The Q Process™
attempts to emulate. Walsh aptly compares this journey with Joseph Campbell’s story of
the archetypal hero as found across cultures. The story of the hero is our own story and
one that offers a fitting metaphor for this work.
The hero, along with his clan, is born into ignorance. He remains unconscious of the
limitations of his plight and the illusory prison in which he, and everyone else, is bound.
His task is to awaken from his slumber and recognize these limits. He must make his
escape from the prison of his tribe of upbringing, and through “detribalization” he shifts
from a tribal to a more universal consciousness.52 No longer blind, he has the power to
see and correct his biases. But before he can correct his newly discovered cultural
biases, he must face his hero’s journey.
Answering the call to go on this journey is no small matter. By doing so, the hero
consciously ejects himself from his known inner and outer space, stepping into the
unknown realms beyond his tribe and all he may face there. Helping the hero to say yes
to the quest is often a growing sense of “divine discontent” with life.53 Sometimes
something life-shattering happens to create the push. Once his decision is made, he
must renounce his tribe and all he prized and valued, all which brought him comfort, all
that was believed in, and set out to find a new way, a new teacher, a new path to truth.
The next phase of the journey is discipline and training. The hero must submit to the
exercises and practice offered to him by his new teacher or path. He must surrender to
the course. “Whatever the method, the aim is always the same: to cultivate the mind so
as to reduce compulsions to greed, hatred, fear; to strengthen capacities such as will,
concentration, and wisdom; and to cultivate emotions such as love, compassion and
joy.”54 The hero remains dedicated to this discipline and training for as long as it takes
for him to achieve and stabilize a life-changing breakthrough. Having completed the
quest, the final step in the hero’s journey is to return home, serve his community with
his newfound wisdom and live as an example, free from his previous biases.
52
Roger Walsh, The Spirit of Shamanism, (New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press), 1990, pages 27
Ibid, page 28
54 Roger Walsh, The Spirit of Shamanism, (New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press), 1990, page 30
53
Today’s modern hero has neuroscience, developmental psychology, quantum principles
as well as mysticism at her disposal. She can use them as guides for her journey. She can
take refuge in knowing the journey has been completed by many who have gone before
her and that, when she’s done, she can help others find the way through as well.
This journey requires courage, commitment, and a willingness to let go of who we know
ourselves to be so that we can discover a more fully integrated sense of who we are.
Whether we seek out a therapist, coach, counselor, support group, or program such as
The Q Process™ to serve as the teacher or path, our lives will be enriched if we stay the
course. With every new man or woman that says yes to this powerful journey, the
brighter the future looks for our tribe.
Interpersonal Neurobiology Research Bibliography & Recommended Reading
Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel J. Siegel
The Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel