Citizen Khan
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1 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Citizen Khan Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan! Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Mrs Khan: Come on, get on with it! Mr Khan: All right, don’t rush me! Mrs K: ________________! Mr K: ____! Mrs K: ___________________! Try wiggling it about a bit! Mr K: ______________? Mrs K: Uh-uh! Mr K: _________________! It’s a very old box! Shazia Khan: Why is it taking so long? ____________________! Mr K: It’s OK – ______________! Just put your special jackets on! There you are – see! Shazia: ___________________, Dad – my phone’s out of charge! Mr K: All right, all right – keep all your hairs on! _____________________________________________fuss! Mr K: Now the electricity’s on, ______________________________! Ten pounds ____ ________________ – not bad, uh? Mrs K: __________________________________________________? Mr K: I’m doing very important mosque business, sweetie! __________________________! Aliya Khan: __________, Papa-ji? Mr K: I’m booking Pakistani celebrity to do the prize draw for the Eid tombola! If I do this, they’ll make me _________________________! That will show Dave – _______ __________, let’s bring back the browns! Aliya: _____________________________? Mr K: Not every famous Pakistani’s a cricketer, sweetie! Aliya: ____________? 2 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Mr K: Imran Khan, ________________! I’m messaging him now! Aliya: Wow – ____________________? Mr K: No – but ____________________! There’s only 47, 000 Imran Khan’s on here – ___ _________________________! Mrs K: You keep filling my house with all your stupid gadgets but you never get me anything! Mr K: What about _______________________________________? Mrs K: You got new mobile phone, ________________________! Mr K: _______________! It’s a good one, that one – they don’t make them like that any more! Mrs K: Yeah, but ________________________________! Mr K: Yes – now you can be my wife, ________________! Mrs K: You spend too much time on the internet! Last night you were down here ___________ ___________! Would you rather spend time with Imran Khan than come to bed with me? Mr K: _____________, sweetie! Mrs K: I’m not going to _______________________ for you again! Mr K: But night time is the best time to talk to Pakistan city _________________! Mrs K: _______? Mr K: No – __________! Shazia: We’re all booked in! Mrs K: What? Shazia: Me and Amjad have got our free trial day at ______________________ in Edgbaston – ________________! You have to be invited ______________ – it’s dead exclusive! Aliya: __________________________? Shazia: ____________________________, and then they’ll decide whether to let us join! Guess who proposed us – Matt and Debbie! Mr K: Oh, not Matt and Debbie! We Muslims don’t need to go to the gym! ____________________________, you get plenty exercise! It’s ________________ ____, isn’t it? Aliya: ______________________, Papa-ji! Mr K: Oh, this girl – she’s like a one-woman praying machine! 3 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Shazia: ________________________! I’m not going to live in Sparkhill my whole life – one day me and Amjad are going to get a place in Solihull! We’re going to give our family all the things we never had! Mr K: What things? ________________________________! Shazia: Yeah? What about the pony I always wanted? Mr K: ______________, Shazia? ____________________ – __________! I don’t know ___________________________ – putting on all these hairs and graces! Mrs K: _________________________________ – and you shouldn’t get in her way and _____________! Mr K: _________________________? ____________________________? Shazia: It’s going to be so great! ________________________________, Mum! They do all kinds of classes there, and ________________________ andMrs K: Well it does look nice! I’ll have to get plenty of rest, though, if I’m going to do ___ ______________________! So let’s just hope I’m not disturbed by someone clumping ______________________________________! Aliya: The Wi-Fi’s not working, Papa-ji! Mr K: Oh, come on – _________________________________! Aliya: You need to complain to the service provider! Mr K: Don’t worry – ____________! Mr K: Keith! Keith! Keith: Yes? Mr K: Have you changed your internet password? Keith: Yes – __________! Mr K: Well ________________________________! Mrs K: (Mumbles in her sleep) Mr K: Oh, twaddi! Aha! Oh, the internet! Oh, oh, oh God! Hello, beti! Aliya: __________________? Mr K: __________________________________! I’m doing some urgent mosque business! Aliya: “Anyone fancy a chat?” Mr K: Yeah – I’m still trying to get hold of Imran Khan! But ______________________ – I’ve just found a new cricket chatroom! Aliya: ________________? 4 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Mr K: Pakistanimatch.co.uk! Aliya: ______________________________________? Mr K: Aliya, sweetie, who’s faced more full tosses and googlies, you or me? Aliya: ________, Papa-ji! Mr K: _________! __________________? Aliya: ____________________! Mr K: Oh! _________! Aliya: ___________________________________ at the mosque! That’s the imam come to pick me up! Mr K: Such a good girl! Is that a hijab? Aliya: Yeah – ________________________________! Mr K: ______, ______, _____________! Aliya: Khoda hafez! Don’t stay up too late! Mr K: I won’t! With this modern technologies, _________________________________ _____! Here we go! ______________? Mr Khan! ______________? Carrom board, Downton Abbey, ___________! ____________________________? Deep fine leg! Shazia: Wow! Phil: Hello there! I’m Phil - ____________________ at The Place! Shazia: Hi – er, we’re here for the free trial! We’re friends of Matt and Debbie! I’m – Shannon Khan! Phil: ________________! _______! Amjad Malik: __________________? Shazia: _________! Amjad: But that’s not yourShazia: No – it just sounds a bit cooler – ___________! Amjad: Oh, ________! Phil: ________________? Amjad: Yeah, it’s not as ___________________, is it? Shazia: He’s Amjad! Amjad: Yeah! __________________! Amjad! Phil: And ____________________? Solihull? Shazia: Mm hm! ____________! Amjad: But _________________- Oh, got you! 5 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Phil: ___________? Mrs K: Mrs Khan, please, ___________________! Member1: I’ve got to pick up Lottie from a riding lesson, so __________________ for one step class and then yoga! Mem2: I know – Wills has got trombone at four, then ___________________________! Mrs K: Oh, yes, erm - I’ve had to leave ______________________ and ________________ any of my husband’s vests! Phil: ___________________________________? Shazia: She’s going to try Bums and Tums! Mrs K: ________________! They’re both in a right old state! Riaz: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan! Mr K: Wa aleikum salaam, boys! Omar: As-salaamu aleikum! Dave: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan! Mr K: Hello, Dave! _________________? __________________ – _____________ __________________________________? Dave: ________________? Mr K: _________________ – I’m meeting a VIP! Dave: What? Mr K: ________________________________________! Dave: Right – ___________? Mr K: __________________________________! _______________________________! We are going to have the greatest Eid tombola that Sparkhill has ever seen! _______ _________________, Gravy Davy? Riaz: ______________ – _________? Mr K: Well, all I can say, ______________________________! Omar: _________________? Mr K: Not all famous Pakistanis are cricketers, you know! Omar: I know, but _________________________________! Mr K: Oh yes, ahem! Riaz: Is it Mohammed Amir? Mr K: No! Riaz: Mohammed Asif? 6 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Mr K: No! Mr K: Mohammed Yusuf? Mr K: No! Riaz: Mohammed Irfan? Mr K: No! Riaz: Does it begin with Mohammed? Mr K: It’s Omar Gul! Riaz: ____________________! Mr K: I know, but I’m going to use him to get to Imran Khan! Dave: Well I’m afraid you’ll have to ________________________________, Mr Khan – the mosque committee will be here in a minute. I want them to approve my plans to _____ _____________________________! Mr K: Eh? Have you finally flipped your ginger lid, Dave? Dave: Mr Khan, there’s no reason why men and women can’t mix _________________ ________! Mr K: __________________, are you, Dave? Look – ____________________________ ______, but ________________________! We talk about cricket – _______________ ______________! This is what’s so good about the mosque – _____________________! Dave: Hi! Can I help you? Jackie Smallwood: Yes, _________________________? Dave: _________! Mr K: ____________________ if you don’t keep a firm grip on the rules, Dave? _________ ________________, my darling! Jackie: _____? Mr K: I said, __________________________, and _____________, M&S, T.K. Maxx! Omar: You mean because she’s - inappropriately dressed? Jackie: Er – __________________! Mr K: Look - _________________________. You’ve got to tick two boxes to get in here. ___, ______, ___, ____. _________________________! Dave: No, really, it’s fine! Mr K: I’m sorry, Dave, ______________________________________! Just because _____ ____________, you can’t be soft! You’re in charge around here – _____________ _____________________! 7 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Dave: Mr KhanMr K: Not now, Dave – ___________! Jackie: Did you say “Mr Khan”? Mr K: ____________! Yes, ______________ – Mr Khan, community leader! Now, if you don’t mind, _______________________, so _____________________________ – OK? Goodbye! Jackie: But _______________________________! Mr K: What are you talking about? ________________________________________! Jackie: Mr Khan – _____________ - ________________________! Omar: Oh dear – _____________________! Mr K: No, no, no, no, no – I arranged to meet Pakistani cricketer online! ________________ ______________________________! Riaz: __________________! Jackie: I’m Jackie – Jackie Smallwood! Mr K: But you said your name was Omar Gul! _________________! Jackie: That was OMG! _____________________________! Riaz: _______________“_________”! Mr K: _________! Riaz: _________! Mr K: This is an outrage! _________________! Jackie: Er – you were in a chatroom! Mr K: Yes! Jackie: Pakistanimatch.co.uk! Mr K: Yes! Jackie: _________________________________________! Mr K: Oh, bugger! Omar: _______________! Mr K: But what were you doing on a site like that? Jackie: ____________________________! Mr K: ___? Jackie: ___________! Mr K: ___? _____________________ 8 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Jackie: __________________________________ – the rugged Imran Khan looks, the smouldering eyes – there’s just something about Pakistani men! Riaz: I’m Riaz! Jackie: I’m sorry if there’s been some confusion! Mr K: Well there has! _______________! You’re not who I had in mind at all! Jackie: _________________, _______________! Mr K: What? ________________? Jackie: Well ________________________________________! Mr K: ____________! ______________________, you know! You ought to see me stroking it through the covers! Dave: ______________________________________! Mr K: Oh my God! ________________________________? ______________________? Dave: Calm down, Mr Khan – it’s a simple misunderstanding! _____________________ ____! Riaz: ___________________________! Mr K: Oh my God! Dave: It’ll be OK – it’s a woman in the mosque office. _____________________________ ______! Omar: Yes – it’s only a woman who’s inappropriately dressed who _________________ ________! Riaz: _______________________! Dave: Oh my goodness me, yes! I see what you mean, yes! Jackie: Do you think I could have a little tour before we go? _________________________ _______________! Mr K: What? ________________________, not flipping Madame Tussaud’s! Oh, we’ve got to get her out of here! _________________, _______________! Omar: Maybe we could ___________________________! Mr K: Don’t be ridiculous! ___________________________! Jackie: ErmMr K: Come on, come on – chalo, chalo! Voices outside: Hello! Hello! Dave: Well _______________________? Voices: Hello! Let us in! Mr K: __________! 9 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Jackie: What? Mr K: Oh – come on! Oh God! Omar: There’s a very big drop on the other side! Jackie: _____________________Mr K: ___________ – ______________________________! Omar: ________? Mr K: ________! Come on, chalo! Come on, chalo, chalo! Ah! As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Mohammed! We’re nearly ready – ____________________________________! You know like, _____________________________________? Well we just realised ____ _________! Bloody satnavs! Dave: ____________________, gentlemen! Mr K: All right, you’ve got to go! Now listen, __________________________, uh? _______ ________ – now __________________________________! Jackie: Don’t worry – I won’t! __________________________________! Mr K: What? Jackie: I’ve sent you loads of texts – _________________________! Mr K: _______________________ – oh, twaddi! My wife’s got my flipping phone! Omar: OK – _____________! Mr K: Oh – oh, no! Did you get her? Phil: Hello there! Mr K: As-salaamu aleikum there! Phil: ____________________________ for the free trial! Mr K: What? Phil: It’s OK – __________________________________! Are you a friend of Matt and Debbie? Mr K: Matt and Debbie? _____________! I’m looking for a Mrs Khan! Phil: __________________? Mr K: _____________________ Khan! Phil: Good - and you are? Mr K: Mr Khan! Phil: ____________________? 10 Episode 2.5 – Shazia’s Gym Visit Mr K: Yes! Phil: Well if you’d like to wait here for her, ___________________________! Mr K: _____________________! Phil: I’m afraid I can’t let you in ___________________________! Mr K: I don’t want to use your stuff – __________________________! Phil: I’m sorry – we do have _____________________________! Mr K: This is worse than Immigration! Mr K: Thank you – oh, what are you doing? No – oh, God – what the– what- Amjad! Amjad: Hello sir! Mr K: Have you- ______________________? Amjad: I’ve been on the weights, working on my abs – trying to get a bit of - definition! Mr K: ______________________________________! And where is Mrs Khan? I need to find her! Amjad: Why? _______________? Mr K: _____________________! Amjad: ___________________? Mr K: _______________________________________! Amjad: _____________________________________? Mr K: ___________________________________________________________! Amjad: ___________________________________________________Mr K: _________________? Amjad: She’s in a Bums and Tums taster! Mr K: What? _____________________________! __________________________? Amjad: You should have let me manage your mobile phone upgrade, sir – ________________ designed to minimise ______________________________, and enable a smooth and hassle-free ________________! Mr K: Just give me your pass so I can get in! Amjad: ____________________________! Mr K: Amjad! Amjad: ______________________________! Mr K: Amjad! Amjad: ___________________________________ – there’s some right nutters about! Mr K: Amjad!
