NOTICE
The author of this story is not responsible for any serious self-inflicted injury, suicide or self-inflicted
damage to personal property due to
a) Inexplicably horrible plot
b) Incredibly terrible use of characters in a fan-fiction
c) Reading this story
WARNING
This story may not be suitable for any age. This story contains:
Mythical Beings
Balloon Abuse
Orange Addiction
Strong Violence
Irresponsible Acts of Stupidity
Some Frightening Scenes (may appear in your mind)
Strong Animal Cruelty
Inaccurate Description of My Little Pony
Questionable Behavior
Spike
Readers may also experience dizziness, nausea, vomiting, seizures, permanent blindness, third degree
burns, severe internal bleeding, loss of hearing, loss of limbs, loss of mental stability, loss of balance and
coordination, hallucinations, serious brain damage, and not to mention self-inflicted death.
Reader discretion is mandatory. Read at your own risk. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters,
businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a
fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely
coincidental.
Written and edited by Jay Chen
One gloomy morning, in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle frantically prances around the tree house searching
for a special book. She examines all the shelves in her library, but still cannot find what she is looking for
because Twilight Sparkle doesn’t know the alphabet. She feels dizzy and tired after summoning nearly
every book in her library. Spike, a little disoriented from all the flying books, shouts to Twilight, “You
know the book is under the letter ‘w’!”
“Yeah okay, whatever that means. Argh! Spike, you’re such a useless baby dragon,” replies Twilight.
“Aha! I found it! The Magical Mysterious Book of How to Search Your Bookshelves For the Book That
You Can’t Find Even After Looking At Mostly All Your Shelves And Having Spike Lecture You About This
Useless Ritual Called the Alphabet Then Finally Finding The Magical Mysterious Book of How to Search
Your Bookshelves For the Book That You Can’t Find Even After Looking At Mostly All Your Shelves And
Having Spike Lecture You About This Useless Ritual Called the Alphabet Then Finally Finding
The Magical Mysterious Book of How to Search Your Bookshelves For the Book That You Can’t Find Even
After Looking At Mostly All Your Shelves And Having Spike Lecture You About This Useless Ritual Called
the Alphabet Then Finally Finding…”
After two thousand years of reading the title, Twilight Sparkle places the book down and begins to read:
“Would you like to know what grass is? Grass is green. Do you know what else is green? Chickens. And
we all know what chickens taste like, don’t we? That’s right, they taste like copper. Speaking of copper, I
love to eat chocolate! Do you know what rhymes with chocolate? The colour red—
“STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!” yells Spike, aggravated by Twilight’s lack of intelligence. All the books she has read so
far have been lacking in common sense and have been filled with useless lessons that teach her how to
make her horn glow. And somehow this book will do that. Twilight, who shows no sign of listening to
Spike, continues to exclaim, “Oh thank you so much for this book Princess Celestia! It’s going to teach
me how to be a horrible magician!”
Spike suddenly feels a tug in his gut, tugging all his intestines into his heart. His heart beats rapidly and
all his internal organs are liquefied. The liquid organs are expelled out of his mouth and combined with
the green paint and the fire extinguisher he ate yesterday, the mixture is expelled in the form of green
smoke. Princess Celestia has favored this tradition of Spike’s and has used it to send letters to Twilight
ever since Spike was an adult dragon. That doesn’t make any sense, but the author doesn’t care.
Anyways, Princess Celestia uses her magic to create the mixture and then teleports her letter into
Spike’s mouth. It pleases her every time she does it.
Spike begins to read. “Ahem. Dear Twilight—“
“GIMME THAT LETTER RIGHT NOW! You’re so useless, Spike. I can read myself,” shouts Twilight, visibly
infuriated at how Spike always reads her letters aloud. “Dear Twilight Sparkle, my most unfaithful
student. You have proven yourself countless times as Equestria’s worst magician and have failed nearly
all your tests. This last test I give to you will be the easiest test you have ever been given. But I have faith
in you Twilight Sparkle. I know you will fail. I want you to go to Ponyville and eat as many ponies as you
can. Then, you will explode and I will never have to see your silly little face again. Sincerely yours,
Princess Celestia.” Twilight Sparkle jumps with delight as Princess Celestia’s letter fills her with hope and
joy. She has been waiting for this moment all her life. And to celebrate, Twilight decides for once in her
life, to actually try and maybe pass this last test. After all, she is going to explode, which is fun!
Her heart pounding with joy, Twilight Sparkle gallops to Pinkie Pie’s house. “PINKIE PIE! GUESS WHAT?”
shouts Twilight. “What is it? Is it a party? Is it a party? Because I love parties! Do you know how much I
love parties? Actually, I don’t even know how much I love parties. Oh no! Let’s throw a party to display
how much I don’t even know how much I love parties! That doesn’t even make sense!! Which calls for
ANOTHER PARTY!” says Pinkie Pie. “Let’s throw a party to display how much I don’t even know how
much I love parties, which doesn’t even make sense which will lead to another party!
“Actually, it’s something else. How would you like to die?” asks Twilight Sparkle.
“That’s even better than a party!” replies Pinkie Pie. “WOO HOO! DEATH PARTY!”
The two go and call their friends and they all agree. Together, they meet and formulate a plan to eat all
the ponies in Ponyville, which will lead to their destruction. Based on each of their strengths, they will
work together to eat every pony. First off, Twilight will use her magic to summon Discord, and then
Spike will make him evil again by being useless. Then, Fluttershy will sell all her animals to animal
poachers, Rarity will eat her hooves, Applejack will grow oranges because that makes sense, Rainbow
Dash will create a giant storm that covers all of Equestria and finally, Pinkie Pie will throw a gigantic
surprise party. They will surely accomplish their goal
Their plan is going smoothly when Discord turns evil, but Spike is so useless that the useless uselessness
of his uselessness is less used, without being useless because using less is uselessly useless under these
useless circumstances in which elephants are yellow, therefore turning Ponyville upside down. After
Fluttershy sells her last animal, she prances about with joy as she loves hunting for animals. Some
ponies at a fair distance away from Fluttershy pull out some instruments and begin to play a beautiful
piece. The nearby sound of music displeases Fluttershy and she explodes. The force of the explosion is
massive and causes a rift in space and time to occur and for multiple versions of Canterlot to rain down
on Ponyville. Meanwhile, Rarity’s hooves have been eaten and the wind just happens to be blowing at
the exact speed fast enough for a dress that just happened to be sitting on the ground just happen to fly
over to the exact spot where Rarity just so happened to be standing in. The sight of such a pretty dress
causes her to explode and somehow propel Princess Luna into Twilight’s library.
Startled, Princess Luna lets out a sharp, piercing cry, onto poor Spike who just so happens to be
standing in front of her. Spike panics and throws all of Twilight’s books into Princess Luna’s mouth. In
her stomach, all of Twilight’s spells start to work, creating a huge magical magnetic field that summons
the Elements of Harmony. Applejack is too busy eating oranges to notice the flying Elements of Harmony
land in Sweet Apple Acres. She finds that there are no more oranges left, so she eats the Elements of
Harmony. The amount of Harmony in the Elements, combined with the amount of Vitamin C in
Applejack’s system causes a massive orange juice carton to suddenly appear and explode over Ponyville,
flooding it and leaving many ponies stranded. The magical orange juice seeps into Ponyville and starts to
make it float above the ground. In the sky, Rainbow Dash’s storm pours down on Ponyville (what’s left
of it). It’s just a light rain and Rainbow Dash is getting tired. But then, just then, miles away, a little filly
whispers to her friend about the pizza that she just ate. “That was so not awesome!”
Rainbow Dash’s rage meter goes off the charts and she unleashes over five hundred hurricanes and one
thousand tornadoes to blow over Ponyville, making it crumble into large chunks. And amidst all of this
harmony and unchaos, Pinkie Pie prepares her surprise party. She finishes preparations five minutes
later and begins to eat the balloons. Ok, let’s back up for a second. There are many things that are
crystal clear about all the episodes of MLP: FiM so far. Number One: Pinkie Pie wants to rule all of
Equestria and stop Princess Celestia’s evil dark friendship magic. Number Two: Spike is useless. So let’s
think for a second. If I want to rule all of Equestria and stop Princess Celestia’s evil dark friendship magic,
what would I do? That’s right, you guessed it. EAT BALLOONS! Pinkie Pie creates a magical tube that
supplies her with infinite balloons. Also, she magically transforms her mouth so it can hold an infinite
number of objects. She begins to infinitely stuff balloons in her mouth and manages to fit infinitely many
balloons. Not THAT much. So as the bloated form of Pinkie Pie, filled with more balloons than there is
grass in the world, rises into the air, at this exact moment, Princess Celestia steps down from the throne
for no apparent reason and Pinkie Pie takes her position.
But, Pinkie Pie starts to feel something. Something funny. No, something HILARIOUS. Something…
useless. The sight of Spike is so funny and useless that she can’t take it anymore and all the balloons
inside of her explode infinitely and the combination of Discord, upside down Ponyville, multiple
Canterlots raining down on Ponyville, the huge magical magnetic field summoning the Elements of
Harmony, Vitamin C, five hundred hurricanes, one thousand tornadoes, harmony and friendship, Spike’s
uselessness, mixed with the infinite explosion of all of Pinkie Pie’s balloons, explode in one gigantic
super-explosion that obliterates the entire universe as we know it.
Twilight Sparkle and her friends randomly appear and randomly find cooked ponies to eat in the middle
of an inter-dimensional space because the author doesn’t know how to continue the plot, as all the
ponies are dead. According to the author, this is perfectly acceptable.
Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that friends will always be there for you. Even if they’re dead. I
also learned that Spike is more useless than ever! I’m going to disown him tomorrow. And finally, the
most important thing I learned to today is that when life looks tough…
look for a book called The Magical Mysterious Book of How to Search Your Bookshelves For the Book
That You Can’t Find Even After Looking At Mostly All Your Shelves And Having Spike Lecture You About
This Useless Ritual Called the Alphabet Then Finally Finding The Magical Mysterious Book of How to
Search Your Bookshelves For the Book That You Can’t Find Even After Looking At Mostly All Your Shelves
And Having Spike Lecture You About This Useless Ritual Called the Alphabet Then Finally Finding The
Magical Mysterious Book of How to Search Your Bookshelves For the Book That You Can’t Find Even
After Looking At Mostly All Your Shelves And Having Spike Lecture You About This Useless Ritual Called
the Alphabet Then Finally Finding…, then read the title for two thousand years and don’t listen to Spike
and thank Princess Celestia for such a great book then read a letter from Princess Celestia that tells you
to eat every pony and call Pinkie Pie over with all the rest of your friends and summon evil Discord and
have Spike be so useless that the useless uselessness of his uselessness is less used, without being
useless because using less is uselessly useless under these useless circumstances in which elephants are
yellow, which will turn Ponyville upside down, then have a massive rift in space and time to occur and
have multiple versions of Canterlot to rain down on Ponyville and suddenly propel Princess Luna into
your library and summon the Elements of Harmony, then have Applejack eat them and make a giant
magical orange juice carton to explode over Ponyville and make it float and have Rainbow Dash unleash
a gigantic super-storm and then make Pinkie Pie infinitely eat balloons and then make Princess Celestia
step down from the throne for no apparent reason, then have a super-explosion happen and obliterate
all of the universe. Your most unfaithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
THE END