Five Ways to Survive Being Married to an Addict
Living with an Active Addict is a Painful and Confusing Situation, but There Are Things You Can Do
to Take Care of Yourself and Preserve Your Sanity
Being married to an addict who is actively using is one of the most confusing, frustrating, soul-sapping things that
anyone can do. There are, however, ways to survive and protect your sanity if you find yourself in that situation.
First, I want to define exactly who I am talking about when I say "addict." I'm talking about people who use alcohol
or any other drugs compulsively despite the destruction it causes to their lives or the lives of their loved ones.
The first thing that can help you to survive a marriage to and addict is to talk about it. You have to break
the rule that nearly all addicts try to impose on their loved ones; don't talk about my problem. This rule may be
either implicit or explicit. If you follow it, you will move deeper into madness and it will hurt you, the addict, and any
other close family members who live with you. If you break that rule, your healing will begin.
That's right, I said your healing. It may be difficult to see yourself as sick. If you are following the "don't talk" rule, if
you are walking on egg shells when you are around the addict, or if you find yourself lying or making excuses to
cover up the addict's behavior, then you are getting sick. The first and most important thing that you can do about
this is to talk about it. Let the drunken cat stumble out of the bag.
The second thing that you can do to survive a marriage to an addict is to refuse to take responsibility for
the addicts drug use. Addicts are often adept at turning the tables on loved ones, trying to get them to claim
responsibility for their continued use of drugs. "If only you weren't so..., If you would just stop..., If it weren't for
your...," These are some of the phrases that one might hear from the an addict who is trying to shift responsibility or
lay blame. If you are already prone to blaming yourself, this approach is often successful for the addict. If you have
been in a relationship for a while with an addict in active addiction, this approach can wear you down if you let it.
The people of Al-Anon, the twelve step fellowship for the loved ones of alcoholics, have a saying. "You didn't
cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it." This succinct saying can be a handy mantra for those
who are married to an addict. Remembering it can help you not to claim responsibility for the addict's drug use.
Thinking things like, "If I was just a better wife, maybe he wouldn't be drinking." Or "Maybe if I spent more time
with her, she wouldn't have to use." The fact is that addiction is a disease and it isn't caused by the everyday ups and
downs of a marriage. You can't cause a person to be an addict.
Remembering it can help you to let go of the self-defeating belief that many people harbor that if they just figure out
the right thing to say, the right way to act, and just the right kind of manipulation, then they can cure the addict of
his or her addiction. The fact is that addiction can't be cured. One can recover from it, but only if and when the
addict decides that is what he or she wants. Love and understanding can't stop a person from being an addict, and
neither can nagging or threatening.
Remembering it can also help you to refrain from expending enormous amounts of wasted energy trying to control
the addict's behavior. When addicts want to use, they do so, no matter what anyone else does or says. Disposing of
alcohol or drugs won’t stop them, and following them won’t either. Nothing will make any difference until they
decide it is time to quit.
A third strategy for surviving a marriage to an addict is to love the addict but hate the disease. This strategy
can help you from being overwhelmed with anger and resentment. Addicts have gotten a hold of something that is so
powerful that it had replaced most everything in their lives that they once valued. You can hate the disease and the
behavior it spawns, but maintain some love and compassion for the spouse that you once fell in love with. Is this
easy? Absolutely not. Nothing about being married to an addict is easy. We are talking about survival here.
This leads me to the fourth thing that people can do to survive being married to an addict. Don't make
their drug use easy or convenient for them. Stop lying to their bosses when they can't show up for work because of
their drug use. Stop lying to the family when they don't show up for family functions. Stop lying to the neighbors
about why they can no longer drive a car. Stop going to pick them up when they come to an end of a run or a bender.
Stop giving them access to money. In other words, stop enabling them to hide their drug use. Don't keep their
secrets, let them take the heat. Active addicts want desperately to hide their illness from others. That deception helps
them to remain sick. Don't confuse this with trying to control them. What you are doing here is controlling your own
behavior. You are refraining from doing things that will help the addict to continue using.
The fifth thing, and the most important thing that people can do to survive living with an addict, is to
remember that you are not alone. This fact can help save your sanity and your life. You are not alone. Right now, all
around you wherever you live, there are thousands of people who are living with what you are living with and feeling
what you are feeling. There are also people who have banded together and found that in unity with each other they
are able to deal with this terrible situation and sometimes transcend it.These groups take different forms and go by
different names. What they all have in common is that they recognize the misery and insanity that accompanies
living with an addict, and they have found ways to deal with it.