CODEPENDENCY: LIVING
WITH AN ADDICT
By: Amy Reza
Family Systems
Codependency
From this presentation I would like for you to gain
some knowledge about how to cope and how to see
signs of addiction. I would like to give you some
strategies and tools to become more aware of
yourself and be able to in the end help yourself. I
would also like to share an activity at the end to
help you when you are having a rough day coping.
How do you know if you may be
dealing with an addict?
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They feel guilty or ashamed about their drinking.
Lie to others or hide their drinking habits.
Have friends or family members who are worried about
their drinking.
Need to drink in order to relax or feel better.
“Black out” or forget what they did while they were
drinking.
Regularly drink more than they intended to.
(Smith, Melinda, M.A., Robinson, Lawrence, and Segal, Jeanne,
Ph.D.)
What is Codependency?
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Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in
which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with
a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in
broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of,
another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs,
while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work,
friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.
Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem,
excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be
natural magnets for the codependent.
(wikipedia)
Signs of Codependency
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taking responsibility for someone else’s actions
worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems
covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices
doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval
feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs
manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value
being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved
in a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect
trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone
life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to
do”)
enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent
neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to
care for themselves
Coming Out of Codependency
Many feel
that they will
lose who they
are if they
are not
codependent.
In reality, we
become more
ourselves
when we are
less of what
others expect
from us.
(Bogdanos,
Maria)
Coping Strategies
Don’ts
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You can’t control others actions
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Don’t take the blame for others actions
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You are not responsible to the actions of the addict
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Detach-let the addict do things they can do for themselves
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If you are in danger or there is violence, have a plan, know the signs
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Don't encourage your alcoholic/addict family member to go with you to
social situations in which alcohol and drug use will go on.
Try not to be impatient for recovery to take place. Remember that it
probably took a long time for your family to get into this situation and it
will probably take some time for really significant improvements to occur.
Do’s and Don’ts
Do’s
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Try to learn the facts about alcoholism and other drug addiction. Keep an
open mind.
Recognize addiction for what it is-a disease of the body, mind, behavior,
and spirit from which people can and do recover. Like other diseases,
nobody really intends to get it or wish it upon their loved ones once they
have it.
Practice detachment. Do not allow yourself to become obsessed with your
family member.
Set realistic limits and expectations but don't think that you can exercise
complete control over the alcoholic/addict. Change has to come from within
them.
Do’s and Don’ts
Attend meetings of Al-anon and open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.
 Take life a day at a time. It is impossible to predict what will happen with
an addicted person in the family.
 Take your eyes off of the alcoholic and turn them squarely upon yourself.
What do you need to learn about yourself?
 Remember the needs of other family members during the difficult times of
active addiction. Try to be there for your children. Explain the illness of
addiction to them in terms they can understand.
 If you find yourself feeling anxious, depressed, helpless and hopeless, seek
out a mental health professional who, in addition to expertise in mental
health, has some understanding of addiction in the family
(St. Vincent's Westchester Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services)
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Family Involvement
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These are legitimate concerns, and while families should understand that
approaching their loved one should be a gentle and supportive process,
they also need to understand that most patients seek substance abuse
treatment because of positive family involvement and intervention.
It is important to understand that the family dynamic in drug and alcohol
addiction is incredibly powerful, and that addressing an unhealthy
imbalance in communication is your first step in moving your loved one
toward addiction therapy. This type of positive family involvement can also
help lead the rest of your family toward a journey of recovery and selfdiscovery.
(GIFFORD ,STEVEN, LICDC, LPC)
Things To Do For The Addict…
Behave exactly as you would if your loved one had a serious illness. What
would you do if they were diagnosed with heart disease or cancer?
 Educate yourself on addiction and recovery.
 Try not to accuse or judge. Avoid name calling. This is a difficult time for
both of you.
 Provide a sober environment that reduces triggers for using.
 Allow the addict time to go to meetings.
 Understand that your lives will change. Do not wish for your old life back.
Your old life to some extent is what got you here. You both need to create a
new life where it is easier to not use alcohol or drugs.
 Make sure that you both have time for fun. People use alcohol and drugs to
relax, escape, and as a reward. The addict needs to find alternative ways
to relax, escape, and as a reward otherwise they will turn back to their
addiction.
(addictionsand recovery.org)
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Things To Do For The Addict Cont’d…
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Do not enable. Do not provide excuses or cover up for the
addict.
Do not shield the addict from the consequences of their
addiction. People are more likely to change if they have
suffered enough negative consequences.
Set boundaries that you all agree on. The goal of
boundaries is to improve the health of the family as a
whole. Do not use boundaries to punish or shame.
If you want to provide financial support, buy the goods and
services the addict needs instead of giving them money that
they might use to buy alcohol or drugs.
Recognize and acknowledge the potential the addict has
within them. (addictionsand recovery.org)
Things To Do For Yourself…
Take care of yourself. Living with an addict is exhausting. You also need time to recover.
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Avoid self-blame. You can’t control another person’s decisions, and you can’t force them to
change.
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Do not work harder than the addict. The best approach is to not do things for the addict, but
instead to be an example of balance and self-care.
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Being a caretaker is not good for you or the addict. Understand that there is only so much you
can do to change another person.
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Ask for help. Talk to a professional. Go to a support group such as Al-Anon. (More support
groups are listed below.)
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Do not argue or try to discuss things with the addict when they are under the influence. It won’t
get you anywhere.
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If at all possible, try not to be negative when dealing with the addict. That may only increase
their feelings of guilt and push them further into using.
(addictionsandrecovery.org)
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Be ready for a long road…
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Takes long periods of time to recover
Most of the time it takes multiple attempts and
multiple treatments to become clean
Self change and treatment must take place
Psychological change also needs to take place
You as a codependent need to be prepared to
deal with this road to recovery while living or
dealing with an addict.
Al-Anon
Select open hyperlink for Al-Anon video
All codependents should attend regular al-anon
meetings.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc
Al-Anon
Al-Anon, known as Al-Anon Family Groups, is an international
"fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their
experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common
problems."The group's purpose is to "help families of alcoholics by
practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to
families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and
encouragement to the alcoholic.“
 Al-Anon was formed in 1951 by Anne B. and Lois W., wife of
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) co-founder Bill W. They recognized the
need for such an organization, as family members living with AA
members began to identify their own pathologies associated with
their family members' alcoholism.
(wikipedia)
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Differences…
Codependency
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Good feelings stem from you
liking me
Your struggle affects my serenity
My self esteem comes from your
problems and relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on
pleasing you
I may disguise my feeling
manipulating you to do it my way
My hobbies and interests are put
aside; your hobbies and interests
dominate
Recovery
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Good feeling stem from me liking
me
Your struggle matters because I
care about you, but it does not
control how I feel about myself
I’m free to please me even when
it may not please you
I tell you the truth about how I
feel regardless of the
consequence
I pursue my hobbies and interests
even if that means spending time
away from you
Differences continued…
Codependency
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I’m afraid of your anger, it
determines what I say or
do
I use giving as a way of
feeling safe in our
relationship
I put my values aside
Recovery
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My commitment to strength,
hope and recovery
determines what I say or
do
I want to not only give, but I
want to receive as well
I value your opinion, but not
at the expense of mine
Activity
Love Baskets
Love Baskets
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A love basket is to help you on hard days when you
feel like you can’t cope or that there is no hope. The
contents on the basket will remind you that you have
strength and that you can get through this difficult
time.
You will fill the basket with inspiring words, cards,
and gifts from others. These things must be things
that will give you hope when you are feeling down.
References
Bogdanos, M. (n.d.). Signs of Codependence and codependent behavior. Retrieved
November 26, 2013, from
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/04/signs-of-codependencecodependent-behavior/
Henshaw, DPSYCH, S. (n.d.). How to Change Self-Destructive Behavior: Stages of
Change. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/10/17/how-to-change-selfdestructive-behavior-stages-of-change/
Deitz, M. (n.d.). Coping with an alcoholic. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/sex+relationships/relationships/coping+with+an+
alcoholic,9447
Symptoms of Alcoholism (n.d.). Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-alcoholism
References Continued…
The Do's and Don'ts of Coping with Addiction in the Family (n.d.). Retrieved November
26, 2013, from http://www.lanstat.com/downloads/dos_and_donts_handout.pdf
Smith, M.A., M., Robinson, L., & Segal, Ph.D., J. (n.d.). Helping a loved one with
alcoholism or alcohol abuse. In Helpguide.org. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatme
nt.htm
GIFFORD, LICDC, LPC, S. (n.d.). Family Involvement is Important in Substance Abuse
Treatment. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://psychcentral.com/lib/family-involvement-is-important-in-substance-abusetreatment/0006631
Melemis, PH.D. M.D., S. (n.d.). Help for the Family. Retrieved November 26,
2013, from http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/families-andaddiction.htm
References Continued…
Codependency & Recovery-The Differences (n.d.). Retrieved November 26,
2013, from http://www.docstoc.com/docs/37366685/CODEPENDENCYRECOVERY---The-Differences
(n.d.). In wikipedia. Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al-Anon/Alateen
wikipedia (n.d.). Retrieved November 26, 2013, from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency