Improving Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence or EQ defined:
- According to psychologists John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey, two of
the leading researchers on the topic, Emotional Intelligence (EI) is:
"the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to
discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's
thinking and actions."
Characteristics of Emotional Intelligence
Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, developed a framework of five elements
that define emotional intelligence:
Self-Awareness – People with high emotional intelligence are usually very self-aware.
They understand their emotions, and because of this, they don't let their feelings rule
them. They're confident – because they trust their intuition and don't let their emotions
get out of control.
They're also willing to take an honest look at themselves. They know their strengths and
weaknesses, and they work on these areas so they can perform better. Many people
believe that this self-awareness is the most important part of emotional intelligence.
Self-Regulation – This is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who selfregulate typically don't allow themselves to become too angry or jealous, and they don't
make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act. Characteristics of selfregulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no.
Motivation – People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are usually motivated.
They're willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They're highly
productive, love a challenge, and are very effective in whatever they do.
Empathy – This is perhaps the second-most important element of emotional intelligence.
Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints
of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feelings of others,
even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually
excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid
stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way.
Social Skills – It's usually easy to talk to and like people with good social skills, another
sign of high emotional intelligence. Those with strong social skills are typically team
players. Rather than focus on their own success first, they help others develop and shine.
They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and
maintaining relationships.
Further Perspectives on Emotional Intelligence
The Four Branches of Emotional Intelligence
Salovey and Mayer proposed a model that identified four different factors of emotional
intelligence: the perception of emotion, the ability reason using emotions, the ability to
understand emotion and the ability to manage emotions.
Perceiving Emotions: The first step in understanding emotions is to accurately perceive
them.
In many cases, this might involve understanding nonverbal signals such as body
language and facial expressions.
Reasoning With Emotions: The next step involves using emotions to promote thinking
and cognitive activity.
Emotions help prioritize what we pay attention and react to; we respond emotionally to
things that require our attention.
Understanding Emotions: The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of
meanings.
If someone is expressing angry emotions, the observer must interpret the cause of their
anger and what it might mean.
For example, if your boss is acting angry, it might mean that he is dissatisfied
with your work; or it could be because he got a speeding ticket on his way to
work that morning or that he's been fighting with his wife.
Managing Emotions: The ability to manage emotions effectively is a key part of
emotional intelligence.
Regulating emotions, responding appropriately and responding to the emotions of others
are all important aspect of emotional management.
The four branches of the model are, “arranged from more basic psychological processes
to higher, more psychologically integrated processes.”
Instructional Understanding Of How To Build Emotional
Intelligence
1. In order to have a (EI) building relationship with your, child you first need to have
the ability to talk through/ process issues within yourself.
2. The adult should become the model to the child; modeling often has more
influence than talking.
3. The best way to practice being the model is by reducing stress and judgment.
This then allows you to perceive your emotions accurately and to empathize with
your child.
4. Mindfulness is a good tool for this. Why use it? It is a way to:
Pay attention without judgment
Pay attention to what you are doing in the moment and be present
Mindfulness is simply: Awareness
“It is the concept of intentionally paying attention to the now without a programmed
bias.”
“Moving from the Doing to the Being”
Ideal Result is: It lessens emotional suffering and opens up new possibilities.
Victor Frankel- Between the thing that stimulates and our response there is a space. In
that space is our power to choose our response. Our response, therefore, dictates our
growth and our freedom.
Mindfulness Exercise
Daniel Goleman - Concise Emotional Parenting
- Empathize
- Be concerned, Be involved
- Non-verbal learning – Modeling in learning
- Be a good authentic human and it will help make better humans
- Take care and give your children your time – “either be on or off”
- Repeated failures in working through problems; is a problem in one’s emotional
intelligence.
Emotional Coaching
For Parents:
-Work on yourself first
- Learn and understand that no one can control your emotions. One cannot blame your
kids for your emotions
- Identify your triggers, in your body, thoughts
- Rapport: Rapport: High rapport, High Communication, High repair
When Talking To Your Kids:
- Apologize when needed or necessary
- Be conscious of how you talk to your child (i.e. tone, non-verbal, volume, and manner)
- Focus on your child’s strengths, and focus on solutions for the weaknesses
- Encourage talking through ideas of sharing, selfless, “Going the extra mile”,
volunteering, helping in the household, having to do household chores.
- Pay attention to your child, and how their emotions match or do not match with their
behavior
- Be patient and persistent
What to do in the home to promote Emotional Intelligence
- Develop a quiet ritual for mealtimes
- Have a thoughtful system by which your child can approach you without judgment
- Breathing 4x4
- Spend time together outdoors and as a family
- Talk about body sensations – pay attention to non-verbal’s
- Make the most of story time and TV time (Review the content emotionally).
10 Ways to improve your Emotional Intelligence
Listed is adapted from an article by Steven Stein
1) Become more self-aware
2) Express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs
3) Discover your inner passions
4) Know your strengths and weaknesses
5) Take a walk in the other person’s shoes
6) Manage another person’s emotions
7) Be socially responsible
8) Manage your own impulses
9) Be more flexible
10) Be happy
Emotional Intelligence: Did You Know?
The more quality time parents spend with their children, the more (EI)
emotionally intelligent they become.
This quality time promotes greater EI by modeling, encouraging, and reinforcing
positive social cooperation.
Parents who share their attitudes, beliefs, and opinions with their children, raise
highly Emotionally Intelligent kids.
When parents share these beliefs, it helps their child better cope with emotional
problems as they arise.
Optimistic children are often more emotionally intelligent.
EI children often feel more able to understand their world.
Children who are more emotionally intelligent are more likely to be socially well
adjusted.
Children with high EI were likely to be thought of as having leadership qualities,
and being co-operative.
They tend to be less aggressive and disruptive.
They showed more pro social behavior and have less negative behavior at
school.
Low emotional intelligence children tend to be at risk factor for alienating other
children.
Low emotionally intelligent children also tend to have more conduct and
behavioral problems.
MOST IMPORTANTLY
Children who are exposed to emotional intelligence education typically become
more emotionally intelligent.
If you improve a child's emotional intelligence in their formative years, it is likely
they will have a more successful upbringing.
Notes from Presentation