Pepper Schwartz (1994) Peer Marriage: What does it take to create a truly egalitarian
relationship?
RQ C develop a more clear picture of how more balanced marital partnerships actually work.
Peer Marriage C couples who have worked out no worse than a 40-60 split in housework,
childrearing, and control of discretionary funds ; and who consider themselves to have Aequal
status or standing in the relationship.
Methods
C interviewed some of the couples she identified as Peer Marriages in an earlier study and
then used a Asnowball sample@ C asked couples if they knew other peer marriages she
could interview
C interviewed 57 egalitarian couples formally; an additional 10 partially
C couples who did not meet her criteria of egalitarian (even though they self-identified as
such) were kept in the sample as a comparison group
C these folks were divided into two groups called Atraditionals@ and Anear peers@
C ATraditionals@ C couples in which the man usually had veto power over
decision-making (except with the children) and in which the wife felt that she did
not have - nor did she want - equal status.
C ANear Peers@ C were couples who, while they believed in equality, felt derailed
from their initial goal of an egalitarian marriage because of the realities of raising
children and/or the need or desire to maximize male income.
Findings
How did couples come to egalitarianism?
C 40% of the women and about 20% of the men cited feminism and a desire to be in a
non-hierarchical relationship, the majority of the couples mentioned other reasons.
-- these included:
1. a desire to avoid parental models that they found oppressive in their
own upbringing
-- women in particular answered in this way
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2. the other partner=s strong preference for an egalitarian marriage
-- quite a few men in Peer Marriages said they really had no strong
feelings about being in either traditional or egalitarian marriages,
but had merely followed their wife=s lead.
3. some emotional turmoil that had led to their rethinking their
relationship, or
4. an intense desire for co-parenting
-- most of the couples did have strong ideas about marriage and
placed particular emphasis on equity and equality. Even if they
didn=t start out with the same agenda, most ended up sharing a
high degree of conscious purpose.
Do income and occupation play a role in determining egalitarian marriages?
Income
-- most of the couples were in fact working couples and had relatively similar incomes.
-- however, there were exceptions: 4 husbands had wives who did not work in the paid
labor force
-- in these cases, husbands did not want to overpower their wives, put money into
joint accounts, participated in childrearing in the afternoons and on weekends,
made investments in the wife=s name to build her assets equal to his ---- this
allowed the couple to maintain a co-parenting Peer Marriage.
-- the cases where there was a significant income differential --- husbands and wives had to negotiate a lot just to make sure they didn=t fall all
into the trap of letting the higher earner be the senior decision-maker
-- also had to work to make sure that one career didn=t start taking time away
from their relationship and family
Occupation
-- small-business owners, social workers, school teacher, health professionals (but not
doctors) were the majority of the folks engaging in Peer Marriages.
-- AApparently, people on career fast tracks were less willing to endanger their
potential income and opportunities for promotion. There may be childrearing
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Peer Marriages out there comprised of litigators, investment bankers and brain
surgeons--but I didn=t find them. The closest I came to finding fast trackers in a
Peer Marriage and family were high-earning women who had husbands who were
extremely pleased with their partner=s success and where willing to be the more
primary parent in order to support her career@
-- AThe other fast track exception was very successful men in their second
marriages who had sacrificed their first in their climb to the top. Mostly these
were men who talked about dependent ex-wives, their unhappiness at paying
substantial support and their determination not to repeat the mistakes of their fist
marriages.@
What types of problems do co-parenting couples run into?
-- often peer couples mentioned serious conflict over childrearing
-- because each partner felt very strongly about the children=s upbringing,
differences of opinion were not easily resolved
-- peers may have more conflict about children than more traditional
partners because unlike traditional marriage, there is no territory that is
automatically ceded to the other person and conflict cannot be resolved by
one person claiming the greater right to have the final word
-- most of the time, this conflict over childrearing did not threaten the
marriage itself
Intimacy
-- in contrast with traditional or near peer couples, the partners in Peer Marriages, never
complained about lack of affection or intimacy in their relationships
-- what they did mention was the problem of becoming so familiar with each other that
they felt more like siblings than lovers.
-- peer couples complained that they often forgot to include sex in their daily lives
-- these couples may start to lose interest in sex even more than the other kinds of
marriages because sex is not their main way of getting close
-- being less dependent on this pathway to intimacy, partners in Peer marriage may be
more willing to tolerate a less satisfactory sexual relationship.
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-- those peer marriages with satisfying sexual relationships often mentioned their equality
as a source of sexual strength.
-- these couples felt their emotional security with one another allowed them to be
more uninhibited and made se more likely since both people were responsible for
making it happen.
-- AEquality brings with it the tools to have a great erotic relationship and also, at the
same time, the pitfalls that can lead to sexual boredom. If couples learn that their sexual
lives need not be constrained by any preconceived idea of what is Aegalitarian sex@ or
appropriate sexual roles, there is no reason that their equality can=t work for them. But
couples who cannot separate their nights and days, who cannot transcend their identifies
in everyday life, may need guidance from a knowledgeable counselor.@
What enables couples to sustain a style of egalitarian relationship in a world that
encourages families to link their economic destiny with the male=s career and casts
women in an auxiliary worker role so that they can take responsibility for everyday
childcare and household chores?
-- a sense of shared purpose: the marital intimacy that comes from being part of a
well-matched, equally empowered, equally participatory team.
-- evaluating the role of work in their lives and how much it can infringe on parenting and
household responsibilities.
-- avoiding traditional hierarchy involves a constant struggle to resist the power of
money to define each partner=s family roles.
-- checking in with one another to keep their relationship on track
-- they each have to take responsibility for making sure that they are not drifting
too far away from reciprocity
-- monitor their jobs around the house so that they are equally sharing all jobs or
so that someone isn=t getting all the crappie jobs and the other spouse is getting
all the Agood@ jobs.
-- monitor their attitudes so that they are not treating each other in a subordinate
manner or so that someone is not carry around anger and resentment toward the
other spouse
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-- finding support in other couples like their own
-- like-minded other who have made similar decisions help a lot, especially when
critical turning points are reached: such as re-evaluating a career track when it
becomes painfully clear that it will not accommodate Peer Family life.
-- just like in all marriages, peer marriages also require honesty, a dedication to fair play,
flexibility, generosity and maturity
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