Family Happiness Article I
“Make Family a Heaven”
Why do we hurt the one’s we Love?
In the maddening drive of modern day living, we have taken our family and our
most loved one’s for granted! Have we, ever wondered, why we get the maximum
amount of pain from the one’s closer to our hearts, from the one’s whom we are
connected to, in our day to day life, the one’s in our family. Though not intentionally, but
circumstantially. In any relationship, though there is love, there is understanding, though
there is concern, but then the complaints do not end!!! Why? Though we work for the
same cause of togetherness, of commitment and of love, we unintentionally hurt the
loved ones, the dear ones more with our changing attitudes, sudden emotional
outbursts and sharp comments.
The stress within people of all ages, today, is responsible for the emotional
outbursts, fatigue, arrogance, mental exhaustion that eventually leads to frustration as a
result. Everyone seems to be under some kind of stress, today right from a teenager to
a retired person. Then, the most easily vulnerable people to our stress are our
immediate family members. They become our targets, unintentionally. We do not intend
to hurt, to cause pain, to be rude, but, we succeed in doing exactly the same!! We utter
words, which we do not mean, we hurt them emotionally, we distance ourselves
physically, we stop communicating and hurt our ownselves too in the process. But one
question to be asked is- “Do our most loved ones deserve this kind of treatment from
us?” Why do they have to suffer this punishment? Honestly!! The answer is for our
ownselves not to be given out to someone else. Then why do we hurt the one’s we love
the most??
The internal conflict which each one of us is experiencing in our lives, lashes
out to the ones nearer to us. Our loved ones, our family members become our ‘shock
absorbers.’ But as we know everyone has their own saturation points. Everything comes
with an expiry date!
The tricky human mind within us knows fully well, whom we can take these
liberties from. We can take these liberties from our family members, because they are
eventually going to forgive and forget. Why don’t we take these liberties with our
senior’s colleagues, neighbors, friends and people at the work place? Because, we
know fully well that we are not going to be accepted, not going to be forgiven and might
lose them too. How we learn to balance our emotions, tone our voice, sugar coat our
words and learn to survive in the society. The unconditional love and acceptance of our
loved one’s has given us the liberty to go to any length, as we are very sure that the
family forgets everything the very next day.
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These little examples might help us understand better. Many of us might have
faced at a certain point of time in our lives.
1. The teenaged daughter enjoys with her friends, laughs and parties but once back
home, she sulks and complains and throws tantrums.
2. The Son though has a fairly good time with his friends, explores all the happening
places in the city and shares a good rapport with people in the neighborhood, back
answers the parents, maintains a distance from them, begins to be quiet at home,
irresponsible and sometimes arrogant. Talks only when he needs money. While his
phone is continuously busy.
3. The Husband becomes an entirely different person, once he enters the home. All of
a sudden tired, fatigued and wants to be left alone with the T.V or the computer or
his cell phone.
4. The Wife has very high levels of energy for shopping and gossiping over with friends
and relatives, but, gets irritated over small issues at home. Complains and sulks
about the daily chores and finds faults with everyone right from the maid of the
house to the head of the house.
5. Our Grandparents though distribute pearls of wisdom to anyone who comes to
meet them, show their displeasure when their own children come to meet them.
Complain for the lack of care and feel unwanted.
There are many more examples which we can relate to, in our day to day lives.
But the question remains, why do our own loved ones give us pain? And why do our
own loved ones suffer as a result? Have thought over this? Let’s introspect over this.
Though we lead a very successful social life, why the family life suffers? Why the family
which I myself have created is shattered today?
1. All masks get unveiled at home- In the world outside one needs to project
himself/herself in a better light, one needs to maintain a mirror image, one needs to
show off, to put up the groomed self, the tamed self. Once, back home, the masks
need to be un-veiled. There is no need for any kind of projection. One can be at his
natural best, once within the family. These double standards ruin the family
happiness. The family wonders as to why all the good virtues are for the outsiders?
Why he/she goes out of the way helping people around but not in the family? He/she
is available at the slightest call to others around but not at the family get-to-gethers?
While, all the time and helps is available for others around and the slightest help at
home would be a great obligation. Because at home, one comfortably settles down
into one’s original nature and habits, as he/she need not wear any masks to please
anybody around.
2. Everything is taken for granted- In our home, relationship, everything is taken for
granted. One expects acceptance despite all odds. But in the world outside our
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home, nothing is taken for granted. One is received and acknowledged, only, when,
one meets the standards of the society. If you do not fit into the societal norms, then
you are left alone to yourself. Nobody is then your friend, or a relative or a colleague.
At home a son is a son however arrogant, a daughter is a daughter however selfish,
a parent is a parent however irresponsible. Because we take our family relationships
for granted, we keep on hurting them in one way or the other.
3. There are too many expectations and assumptions- The familiarity that develops
due to our co-habiting for years together leads to many expectations, assumptions
and presumptions. We unknowingly start expecting too much from our loved ones
and many times fail to understand their feeling, so obsessed with our own
expectations. We, for example firstly, do not listen completely, snub in between the
conversation, sometimes listen unattentively, with more attention in our cell phones
and then start blaming instantly taking the conversation to an undesired level,
creating more pain. We assume that we know each other well, over the years ‘BUT’
the fact is we still do not know each other!! We sit down to sort things out but end up
creating more unrest and confusion, leaving everyone feel misunderstood. There are
these very small and insignificant happenings that eat away chunks of happiness
from our lives and peace from our relationships. We do cling on physically to these
relationships but gradually drift away, poles apart, emotionally.
4. The need for appreciation- Deep down, within each one of us, is a burning desire
for appreciation. We always tend to acknowledge and appreciate the smallest efforts
taken by outsiders but fail to even recognize and appreciate the efforts of our own
family members!! Because, this is, what was already expected, nothing great about
and is labelled as a duty. When we fail to appreciate, we also fail to build a strong
relationship. How many of us thank our loved one’s for the innumerable efforts and
hard work they put in for the family, selflessly and out of sheer care and love? We,
alas get blind folded towards these love filled gestures as they are tagged off as
duties. But we realize the value of these efforts once the expectations do not get
fulfilled, once we lose the pampering and comfort and once the life forces us to do all
that they have been doing!
5. The passion for Achievement-All of us work towards some kind of achievement,
that is our dream. Once you achieve it, now there is another dream, then
another…..And in the process ignore the dreams which we are living today!! All the
efforts and focus shifts on the next dream project of our lives. For example the
girlfriend gets more attention than the wife. The wife feels, she was better off as a
girlfriend only. We all are actually living the dream, which once meant the world to
us. A good spouse, lovely children, a beautiful house, full of comforts, but now, the
dream has changed. We are all focused on achieving something more, the next
dream without enjoying the lovely dream of the present going on. We surely have to
move on ahead in our lives but while enjoying and nurturing the present not-Ignoring
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it. The next dream will be more satisfying only, with our loved ones with us not alone.
So, let us not bargain our present happiness for some future dreams.
6. Maintenance and servicing- We all take care of our priced possessions, polishing
our furniture, our jewellery, servicing our car from time to time, visiting spas for our
personal rejuvenation and freshness, then why not rejuvenate the important
relationships of our lives!!! Let us breathe some fresh air into the lives of our loved
ones. A little care, a little nourishment, a little polishing has magical effects on our
prized relationships!! There is love, within each one of the relationships, but it needs
expression. Express our what they mean to you, why let it be assumed? This love,
care, concern and affection when expressed out to our loved one’s might save many
lives from agony, suicides, depression, anxiety, tension, blood pressure and heart
attacks. Why lead a meaningless, lost, unwanted, unloved, life when we have our
dear one’s, the most loved one’s very near to us. Extend your hand out to your loved
one’s who have been secretly waiting and praying for it. Let all the complaints sink
into the ocean of love, by little caring and timely appreciation and fulfilling small
needs with love.
Tips to refresh our relationship- we can start a-new to brighten up our lives, our
relationships and live a fulfilling life with very small and simple tips.
1. Smile and greet as soon as you meet after a long day at work/home/office/
school. Show the loved ones the warmth, that you are delighted to see them. Let
your eyes twinkle with a lovely smile that is so Welcoming!!
2. Communicate communication is the key to a healthy relationship. A healthy
communication of our feelings, thoughts, ideas, views, dreams, fears and plans.
Communicate when the time and mood are conducive not at a wrong time and
place and not with bad tone and tune of words.
3. Accept – Accept probably one or two negatives which each one of us is bound to
have. Similarly accept one’s own negative traits too. Acceptance will lead to
solutions. Why cry over 1% when 99 % is to our favour. Enjoy the 99 % and just
ignore the 1 % of others. While trying to rectify the 1 % of ours and enjoying 99%.
4. Appreciate- Learn to appreciate the smallest effort taken. This makes the other
person feel worth-while, increases the positive energy and improves the quality
of work. The same work is done with love and whole heartedly, when someone
appreciates, especially the loved ones!
5. Spend quality time- Lets give importance to our family, priority to our children
and create some great family moments. The electronic ghosts are eating away
our prized family time!
6. Give Space- While we live together, we also respect each other likes and
dislikes and learn to give space to them. Be it children or the spouse or the
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Parent. Too many questions sounds like an interrogation. Let everyone get a
chance to fulfill his/her choices, express thoughts and himself/herself.
7. Just listen- At times, what one needs is a person who can listen. No
suggestions, no judgments, no solutions. Just plain listening to show that
somebody is there. Some kind of moral support, when the other is down
emotionally, helps in strengthening the relationships.
8. Once in a while surprise them – Sometimes, when life seems to look
monotonous a little surprise is bound to bring a good change and an upliftment in
the mood. For ex. A small family trip, a gift for no reason, a compliment or just a
flower. Sudden expressions of love become a remembrance.
9. Laugh a lot- Laugh together. Laughter is probably the thing that differentiates
the human species from the animals. We have forgotten to laugh and smile and
live the moment. Just enjoy the present day, present moment, the present dream
which has come true. Laughter reduces tension creates a healthy, happy
atmosphere at home.
10. Express out your feelings- In our relationships let us be expressive, generous
in voicing our feelings. There is no age bar to the use of the three golden words‘I love You’. At any age we can tell this to our husband/ to our wife/ to our
children/ to our parents. Let’s use these miraculous words which have a soothing
effect, which heal many wounds, which ease the pain of the hearts. Use phrases
like ‘I Love You’, ‘I Miss you’, ‘Take Care’, ‘My Dear’, ‘My Darling’, ‘My Life’.
There should be no shame or shying to hold their hands and tell them looking in
their eyes what they mean to us and how much we cherish them. Children too,
love to get the good night kiss and a hug from the parents. On occasions can we
not lie down on our aged parents lap and thank them for everything they have
done for us. why do we shy, from expressing the love in words or physically?
Why wait for the mother’s day, Father’s Day and so on to express. The day we
realize their worth in our lives, is the day to express. Too shy, then text message,
or email or pen it down, but do certainly start expressing your love, your feelings.
Experience the miracle on your own.
11. Let Go-Despite all our positive efforts, some day/days, things suddenly go wrong
and one is caught unaware. All relationships have to go through the rough seas,
through the ups and downs, through the laughter and pain. No relationship
comes readymade to perfection and nothing ever is perfect. So, let’s put in our
best efforts, sincerely and give time and space. Sometimes it is best to take a
small vacation, a two day trip all alone, either with friends, for some thought and
clarity. The physical distance makes one value the relationship more. Sometimes
one needs, solitude to understand oneself.
12. Always have the ‘Our’ time- Be it any relationship, the father-son, fatherdaughter, mother-daughter, husband-wife, brother-sister and so on, all need
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some personal time between only the two of them. This improves the bonding
and gives scope for better communication. It gives a feeling of being ‘Special’.
When only the two of them go out for a movie, a dinner, a walk, a sport, a trip
then, the two of them open up and share many feelings. Each relationship must
have the special time between the two of them.
We can induce happiness into our relationships with little efforts and
taking the first step, without waiting for the other to do so. Happiness is not in the
future, it is right now, present here, in the small things, we overlook. In the prank
of a toddler, in the laughter of a child, in the embrace of a wife, in the care of a
father, in the prayer of a grandparent, in the love of a sister, in the concern of a
brother, in the food of the mother. The happiness lies on our attitude, in our
outlook and our positive inputs too. The heaven’s shower their blessings on a
happy family in the form of abundance, good health, radiance, pure thoughts and
peace. The master key to our happiness is, within us, let’s make use of it to
unlock the doors of a paradise on earth, waiting for us!! “OUR FAMILY”
ByDestiny Designer
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