Michael DeLuca
103B Mason Street
Chapel Hill, NC 27516
Meeting Minutes from the Quarterly Meetings of the
Executive Committee for Christmas Operations at the North Pole
Minutes From: January 1, 2013
DeLuca ECCONP 2
Members Present: (by seating, clockwise) Christy the elf (President of marketing and outreach),
Cooper the elf (President of toy operations), Pinky the elf (President of transportation), Donnor
(head of reindeer committee), Kasper the elf (head of accounting), Jasper the elf (head of magic
department), Holly Holland (Secretary, note-taker)
Members Absent: Santa Claus
Committee members welcomed newcomers Holly and Pinky to the committee. Holly was hired
from Missouri, U.S.A. to fill the vacancy left by Anita, who could not stay at the North Pole due
to the area’s hazardous complications with her pregnancy. Pinky, the former Vice President of
Transportation, was promoted after Bartholomew the elf was deemed unable to fill his position
following his rooftop fall on Christmas Eve. Holly and Pinky are the youngest members of the
committee, with the ages of the others being, in ascending order: Christy, Cooper, Donnor, Jasper,
Kasper.
Last Christmas’ sleigh run was reviewed. Despite the time spent tending to Bartholomew, Santa
and his staff were able to finish the run with their fastest time since 2008. However, Pinky
feared that this was less because of the speed of Santa and the reindeer and more because of the
decline in visited houses. Children’s interest in Santa Claus has been steadily declining since
2004, leading to fewer children on the Nice List and fewer homes visited per capita. Donnor
added that the reindeer were constantly bickering throughout the trip, making travel time
actually longer than their previous runs. Christy expressed concern that the continual bickering
of the main faces of the organization could create a negative image of Christmas to the public.
Kasper made no comment, for he had dozed off minutes into the meeting.
Cooper the elf stated that the toy department needed to transition to a new model for toy design,
due to the continuing increase in demand for smaller, more electronic toys. To do so, he
requested an increase in both funds and labor to create the more complicated machines. Jasper
the elf argued that the current system did not need to change, and that a massive overhaul was
not ideal, claiming: “Who knows what these kids will want tomorrow? The demand has always
bounced back, and it will this time as well.” Cooper’s proposal was brought to a vote, with the
results being 3 in favor of the overhaul (Cooper, Christy, Pinky) and 3 against (Jasper, Kasper,
Donnor). With the Secretary abstaining and Santa Claus absent to break the tie, the discussion
was tabled to a later meeting.
Christy the elf proposed several actions to increase the popularity of the Santa Claus brand. The
first action was to create a new Christmas movie for next December, which was unanimously
approved, 6-0. Next, Christy proposed increasing the social media presence of Santa Claus by
installing an official Twitter. She pointed to the sudden spike in Rudolph’s popularity following
the creation of his Twitter account. This proposal was met with debate, as Donnor claimed that
it would set a bad example to children and Jasper claimed that the fad would pass. Jasper also
brought up the incident regarding the AIM Santa Bot from 2008. The vote was once again a 3-3
tie. However, this time the Secretary filled in for Santa’s absence and made the deciding vote in
favor, claiming that the addition of a larger social media presence will increase the popularity
amongst the teenage and young adult audience.
The absence of Santa Claus was noted. Cooper claimed that he saw Santa at the previous night’s
New Year’s Eve Party, and Christy noted that he was drinking a large amount of egg nog. Other
members also claimed to see Santa Claus at the party, except for the Secretary, who was still
moving into her new apartment and sadly missed the opportunity to meet the man. Extremely
nervous about meeting her childhood idol, she was both saddened and relieved when he did not
show up to the day’s meeting. With no more items to discuss, the meeting was adjourned.
Minutes From: April 1, 2013
DeLuca ECCONP 3
Members Present: (by seating, clockwise) Christy the elf, Cooper the elf, Pinky the elf, Donnor,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer (guest), Kasper the elf, Jasper the elf, Holly (note-taker)
Members Late: Santa Claus
Members noted the presence of Rudolph at the meeting. Some members of the reindeer
committee had felt underrepresented by Donnor’s presence, and requested an additional member
at the meetings. Their head of the department, Pinky the elf, allowed it. Donnor voiced his
opposition to the move, and spent the remainder of the meeting silently glaring at the young
reindeer.
Christy the elf explained the conflict with Santa Claus’ official Twitter account,
@The_Real_Santa_Claus, which began sending racist and homophobic tweets after being hacked
by the Internet group 4chan. Christy stated that she made a new Twitter account,
@The_Real_Santa_Clause, and used it to spread word that the old account was no longer official.
However, she feared that her attempts were falling on deaf ears, as the new account still only
had approximately 200 followers. She asked Rudolph to make a post repeating the information,
to which she was swiftly ignored. On the other side of the room, Jasper and Kasper gave looks of
smug satisfaction. In positive news, however, the new Christmas movie, Lance the SnowVampire, is on schedule and set to begin filming this month.
Christy’s notes (and Kasper’s slumber) were interrupted by the arrival of Santa Claus, who
stumbled into the room and squished himself between Christy and the Secretary. He mumbled
something about his wife making him late. His breath smelled of nog. The Secretary, having met
the man multiple times between the last two meetings, did not find this behavior surprising.
Jasper the elf revealed the increasing pressure from various leprechaun groups to open up trade
for their magic and gold. Several board members groaned at the mention of leprechauns, with
Santa commenting that “we’ll have nothing to do with those hyped-up clover-sniffin’ leps.”
Rudolph vouched for the leprechauns, saying “nah bro, they’re totally cool, and they have more
in touch with the kids than any of you.” Donnor sneered at the statement, and called for an
immediate vote. The motion to open up trade to the leprechauns was struck down 6-0, with
Pinky abstaining. Rudolph spent the remainder of his meeting silently glaring at the older
reindeer, and also texting.
Cooper the elf once again brought up the revised model for toy design, which required more labor,
funds, and magic to be funded. Santa was open to the discussion, for he was growing weary of
making dolls and toy soldiers that the children barely played with anymore. After intense
debate between Cooper, Rudolph, Jasper, and Donnor, the proposal was brought to a vote, with
four votes in favor (Cooper, Christy, Pinky, Santa) and three against (Donnor, Jasper, Kasper).
With no more items to discuss, the meeting was adjourned.
Minutes From: July 15, 2013 (after pole-wide holiday weekend)
DeLuca ECCONP 4
Members Present: (by seating, clockwise) Santa Claus, Christy the elf, Cooper the elf, Pinky the elf,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, Kasper the elf, Jasper the elf, Holly (note-taker)
The Secretary requested a seating change, citing “prior incidents” as reasons for why she could
not sit between Santa Claus and Jasper. Cooper the elf volunteered to switch seats with her.
While moving to her new seat, she heard the word “slut” muttered from somewhere at the table.
It was established that Rudolph had officially replaced Donnor as head of the reindeer
committee. This was a decision made by the popular vote amongst the reindeer, and approved
by Pinky the elf. Jasper and Kasper both expressed discontent with Pinky’s decision, but Pinky
remained silent when his opinion was questioned. After a few minutes they both gave up, and
Kasper fell asleep.
Christy the elf announced that the annual “Christmas in July Party” was a rousing success. She
cheerily thanked Santa Claus for putting in the effort to throw the party, and stated that “many
of us had a great time” (though, one should note, not everybody did). She also mentioned that
many of the photos were shared on the official Santa’s Workshop Facebook group.
Jasper the elf presented a dilemma that the new model for toy design has taken more funds and
magic than predicted, and the North Pole is now at a shortage of both. Rudolph proposed asking
for a loan from the leprechauns, but was again met with opposition. However, both Rudolph and
Cooper pointed out that there was not much choice, unless they wanted to face the possibility of
bankruptcy at the North Pole. The decision was brought to a vote, with 4 votes for (Rudolph,
Cooper, Christy, and Pinky) and 3 against (Jasper, Kasper, Santa Claus). Upon seeing the results
of the vote, Santa pounded the table in rage and muttered some profanities under his breath.
Everybody heard him. Nobody cared.
With no more items on the agenda, the meeting was dismissed. The proposal for mandatory
sexual harassment training was not brought up. It wouldn’t have gone through anyway.
Minutes From: October 1, 2013
DeLuca ECCONP 5
Members Present: (by seating, clockwise) Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus (guest), Christy the elf, Holly
(note-taker), Pinky the elf, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, Kasper the elf, Charles the leprechaun
Members Absent: Jasper the elf
Members (reluctantly) welcomed new member Charles the leprechaun, head of the newly-formed
committee of magical relations. The committee was formed during the July trade with the
leprechauns, and it included a (raised) seat on the executive committee for a member of the
leprechaun clan. Mrs. Claus was also present for the first time this year, citing her reason for
attending as “somebody needs to keep an eye on my Christopher,” while keeping her spectacled
eyes in direct contact with the Secretary’s. Members also recognized the absence of Jasper the
elf, who has been out “sick” for the past few weeks.
With Christmas Eve rapidly approaching, Rudolph proposed some changes to the sleigh run. He
presented the project to add new Beats speakers to the sleigh, in order to give Santa’s arrival
“more swag.” He presented a playlist to the committee, to which Santa became enraged at the
reindeer, screaming that “kids don’t want to be woken up at three in the morning by Robin
Thicke and The Kessha.” Rudolph stated that Pinky the elf had already approved his proposal
and the sleigh was already under repairs. When called out, the tiny elf shrunk into his chair and
declined to comment.
In addition, Rudolph recommended that Charles the leprechaun be present on the run to assist
Santa Claus, stating that leprechaun magic is much more fuel-efficient than the elf magic he
typically uses. This once again caused a hostile reaction from Santa, who claimed that “he didn’t
need no damn help from no damn lep.” Charles, obviously, took offense to the slur, and
threatened to “kick his overweight ass to the ground.” Cooper the elf attempted to break up the
fight by calling for an immediate vote. The decision was 4 votes for the change (Rudolph,
Charles, Cooper, Pinky) and 3 votes against (Santa, Kasper, Christy).
Santa Claus spent the remainder of the meeting pouting angrily while Christy the elf stared at
him, a concerned look spread across her pointy face. Mrs. Claus massaged her husband’s
shoulders, all the while continuing to glare at the Secretary, who, might the Secretary add, is
probably the only innocent one in this whole conference room aside from the napping, elderly elf
in the corner. But she doesn’t mind the stares; she’s content just knowing that old, racist horndog
is not-so-jolly right now.
The meeting concluded with notes from Christy about Lance the Snow Vampire, which is
scheduled for a post-Thanksgiving release. The movie, and the Santa Claus brand in general, has
already gathered massive hype due to the ongoing Twitter feud between @The_Real_Santa_Claus
and @The_Real_Santa_Clause. She expects Santa’s popularity to rise for the first time in ten
years, despite reports that the popularity of Jesus Christ continues to fall. With no more topics to
discuss, the meeting was adjourned on a positive note, and the committee was dismissed until
after the Christmas holiday.
Minutes From: December 21, 2013
DeLuca ECCONP 6
Members Present: (by seating, clockwise) Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, Stella the elf (guest),
Cooper the elf, Pinky the elf, Charles the leprechaun, Kasper the elf, Ella the elf, Holly (note-taker)
Members Absent: Santa Claus, Christy the elf
New to the committee for this meeting were: Ella the elf, the new head of the magic department
after Jasper the elf had passed away; and Stella the elf, who is sitting in while preparing to take
over as Head of the accounting department, following Kasper the elf’s retirement after
Christmas season. Kasper spent the majority of the meeting in a livelier state than usual,
complaining constantly about how he was “forced into retirement.” No other board members
reacted to his comments.
This emergency meeting was called in regard to the recent issues regarding Santa Claus. To
recap, elf authorities discovered that Santa was taking bribes from the snowmen to alter the
weather across the world. The “evidence” is suspect to say the least, considering the snowmen are
much more likely to receive magical help from the leprechauns, and it’s also doubtful that Santa
would use even more of his magic to make him more dependent on leprechaun magic on
Christmas Eve. However, due to the additional revelation of yet another affair between Santa
and a council member (and his impending divorce from Mrs. Claus), it was decided by the council
that Santa would not take part in the sleigh run three nights from now. The run will still
transpire, only this time headed by Rudolph and assisted by Charles and a group of his most
highly-trusted leprechauns. The committee (reluctantly) agreed to this plan by a vote of 5-1, with
Kasper the elf being the only opposition.
Cooper the elf proposed an initiative to tear down the coal factory and make all future “naughtychildren coal” artificially from leprechaun magic, citing “energy conservation” as a reason. The
motion was approved, 5-1.
Cooper the elf proposed an initiative to give the head of the toy department final approval over
the naughty/nice list, both during and after Santa’s absence, essentially requiring the list to be
checked three times now. The motion was approved, 5-1.
Cooper the elf proposed an initiative to replace all candy canes around the North Pole with the
cookies made by his family, the Keebler elves. The motion was approved, 5-1.
Cooper the elf proposed an initiative to give the head of the toy department a pay raise. The
motion was approved, 5-1.
The Secretary wanted to say something, but what was the point? She would just end up ignored
like Kasper, dead like Jasper, incapacitated like Bartholomew, or imprisoned like Santa Claus.
Possibly imprisoned with Santa Claus. She had no out from here, but all she could do was sit back
and watch the council members have their way with everything this organization has ever built
up to. She had come to the North Pole expecting to spend her days eating candy canes and
rocking around Christmas trees, but it turned out that this magical world was no different from
anywhere else she’d ever been, or any other meeting she’d ever sat in. She remembered when she
was a little girl: She would lie in her bed, waiting for the jingling bells to land on her roof and
prayed that she would not find a lump of coal in her stocking. Every creak she heard in the
house could have been Santa landing on her roof. But now the coal is cheese and the bells are
autotuned voices and the creaking doesn’t mean anything because obviously nobody can hear a
tiny little leprechaun land on their roof. She missed her dolls. With no more items on the table,
the meeting was adjourned, and the committee was dismissed until after the Christmas holiday.
DeLuca ECCONP 7
Holly decided that she was done. She couldn’t take the corruption any longer; she had to find her
way back to Missouri. These notes will be the last thing any of these terrible people would find of
hers. She was going to make it back home, and live the rest of her days as if she were that child.
If she had a child and they celebrated this new kind of fucked-up holiday, she would tell her that
this was the way it had always been. She wouldn’t tell her what had changed everything.
But as she made her way out, she noticed the two new board members, Ella and Stella, make eye
contact. The young elves nodded to each other, and Ella mouthed two words to the other.
“Just wait.”
The Secretary couldn’t wait for the New Year.