The Golden Girls
Rose Nylund enters the house. Dorothy Zbornak and Sophia
Petrillo are sitting on the couch reading.
Rose: Girls! Girls, guess what.
Sophia: Wait a minute.
Rose:
I’ve got...
Sophia: Wait a minute! Why do you always come into
a room, and say, “Girls, girls?” Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting
here
Rose: You’re awfully cranky today.
Sophia: Well, forgive me.
My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late,
and I realized today I haven’t showered with a man in twenty-two
years.
Dorothy: Ma, pop’s been dead twenty-seven years.
Sophia:
What’s your point?
Dorothy: What are you saying?
Rose: Isn’t
it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five
years.
Rose Nylund takes a seat.
Dorothy: Rose, what did you want?
Rose: I got two tickets to
the hottest Norwegian musical in town. Dorothy: Rose, you’ve
really tempted me, but I have other plans. Rose: You have a
date?
Sophia Petrillo gags.
Sophia: Never say that while I’m eating.
Dorothy: I’m teaching
history for an adult-education program. It’s for people who never
got high school diplomas.
Rose: What else do they
teach?
Dorothy: The usual high school subjects.
Rose: You
mean like the three Rs – reading, writing and rooster
inseminating?
Dorothy: No, we just teach the first two
Rs.
Rose: Find. But you’ll be sending people out into the world
who don’t know you can get a nasty rooster bite if you don’t
warm your hands up first.
Blanche Devereaux prances to the living room.
Blanche: Girls, is this dress me?
Sophia: It’s too tight, it’s too
short.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, it’s you.
Rose: Another date with
your mystery man?
Blanche: Oh, he’s no mystery
man.
Dorothy: No? Then how come you’ve been out with him
four times, we don’t know anything about him?
Blanche: Well, there is one little thing.
Blanche laughs as she puts on more make-up. The doorbell
rings. Blanche: Oh, that must be him. Rose, would you get the
door, please?
Rose Nylund opens the door. An elderly man with all-white hair
greets her with a Hispanic accent.
Man: Hello.
Rose: Oh, hello. We thought you were Blanche’s
date, but you’re way too old.
The man sees Blanche.
Man: Hola, Blanche! Blanche: Hello, sweetheart.
Blanche Devereaux walks over to her date.
Blanche: Come here! I want you to meet all my friends.
Rose:
Please forgive me. It wasn’t my fault – my cousins have been
marrying each other for generations. I’m sorry.
Blanche:
Everybody, this is Fidel Santiago.
Dorothy: How do you do?
Very nice to meet you.
Fidel: It is always a pleasure to meet
beautiful ladies such as yourselves.
Sophia Petrillo turns to her daughter.
Sophia: With that accent, you could almost buy it.
Fidel: And
you must be Sophia.
Sophia: Your face looks awfully familiar.
Was your picture ever on a cigar box?
Dorothy: Ma!
Fidel: No,
she’s right. That was my father.
Sophia: May we continue,
Commandant?
Fidel: My family once owned the largest tobacco
plantation in all of Cuba. Do you know that at one time, I was the
most famous Fidel in the entire country? Until you-know-who
showed up. Rose: Who?
Dorothy: Rex the Wonder Horse,
Rose.
Fidel: How did you know about Santiago
cigars?
Sophia: My husband was a fan – not of the cigars, the
boxes. We used to keep all our fine cutlery in one.
Fidel:
Blanche was right. She said you were incorrigible.
Sophia: I
guess I deserve it. I always say she’s a cheap slut.
Blanche:
Maybe we’d better be going.
Fidel: Yes. It was a pleasure
meeting you all.
Blance Devereaux and Fidel Santiago leave.
Dorothy: Well, I guess that solves the mystery.
Sophia: I’ll say.
Who would have thought Blanche would date somebody that
long in the tooth? Rose: I thought his teeth were nice. What I
couldn’t believe was how old he was.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should’ve taped them back when you were
seven. Dorothy Zbornak enters the classroom.
Dorothy: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please take your
seats. Dorothy walks over to her desk, and reads from her
notebook. Dorothy: Uh, Jorge Vega?
Jorge Vega waves.
Dorothy: Michael Fachik?
Michael raises his hand.
Dorothy:
Jim Shu?
Dorothy Zbornak, her eyes now wide, reads it again.
Dorothy: Jim Shu?! Oh, I get it gym shoe. Very funny. A
Japanese man in a vest and tie stands up.
Jim: Excuse me. I am Jim Shu.
Dorothy: I’m terribly sorry. I
thought you were pulling my leg. Jim: I don’t think I could drink
that much sake.
Dorothy: Sit down, Shu.
Dorothy resumes her roll call.
Dorothy: Maria Gianelli?
Maria waves her hand.
Dorothy: Rose Nylund? Rose Ny...Rose Ny...
Embarrassed Rose Nylund slowly raises her hand. Shocked
Dorothy Zbornak walks over to Rose.
Dorothy: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Dorothy, I have
a confession to make. I slipped through the cracks of the St. Olaf
school system.
Dorothy: That’s very hard to believe. I’ve seen
you almost complete a TV Guide crossword puzzle.
Rose: It’s
true. You’re looking at a woman without a sheepskin.
Jim: I’ve
got an extra in my wallet I could give you.
Rose turns to Jim Shu who is sitting right behind her.
Rose: No, thanks. I’d rather earn it. Jim: Meet you at Benihana
after class?
Rose looks irked.
Dorothy: Rose. Rose!
Dorothy grabs her by
the hand, and pulls her aside.
Dorothy: You never graduated from high school?
Rose: Not
officially. Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in
the kissing booth at the founders’ day fair. Unfortunately, the first
boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono. That afternoon, I passed
it along to fifty young men, and one very confused female P.E.
teacher who smelled of Old Spice. I slept day and night for the
next six months, and when I finally woke up I had missed my
graduation and the integration of major-league
baseball.
Dorothy: Rose, I—I’m very sorry, but, honey, you
cannot stay in this class.
Rose: Oh please, Dorothy. I’ve
secretly dreamt of getting a high school diploma for years, but I
never had the courage to do it. Now, with you teaching, I finally
feel comfortable enough to give it a try.
Dorothy: Oh, all right.
Dorothy gives Rose a hug.
Dorothy: All right, you can stay. Rose: Thank you.
Rose Nylund returns to her seat awkwardly, because Jim Shu
looks at her with a big smile on his face.
Dorothy: All right, everybody, if you will turn to page five. Rose
Nylund raises her hand.
Dorothy: Yes, Rose?
Rose: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Dorothy: What?
Rose stands up, turns to the flag then puts her hand over her
chest.
Rose: I pledge allegiance to the flag...
The rest of the
class quickly stands up, and does the same.
All: Of the United
States of America, and to the republic for which it stands...