Final Draft
Emily Darby
Imagine, you are minding your own business, and out of nowhere, you hear screams
and people are being shot at. What would you do? Would you hide, run, or panic? Many people
go to extreme measures in order to survive in dangerous situations. So many crisis situations
have occurred that people go to extreme lengths to survive. The Paris bombing, 9/11, Pearl
Harbor, the military, and Survivor the T.V. show are all examples of extreme situations that
people would do anything to survive.
On September 11th, 2001, terrorists crashed planes into the Twin Towers. Many of
innocent people were killed due to extreme terrorism. New York City and people across the
world were in complete shock. So many families were devastated due to the loss of their loved
ones, thinking that they would see them after work. Only 20 out of 2,977 people were lucky
enough to survive the collapsed building. The survivors went to extreme situations by jumping
out of windows, crawling through broken pieces of glass/building, and stepping over the other
dead bodies that were not as lucky to survive. The survivors may have never imagined being in
such a gruesome situation. Many other extreme situations have occurred where people go to
extreme measures to survive.
Another example of trying to survive in extreme situations is Pearl Harbor. In Hawaii on
December 7th, 1941, another crisis occurred. The Japanese bombed the United States
unexpectedly. More than 2,500 people were killed. The USS Arizona had sunk in 9 minutes after
being bombed, causing some people to go to extreme measures by swimming for their lives,
help carry the wounded while being wounded themselves, and trying to get away safely while
being majorly injured. The USS Arizona caught fire and exploded oil everywhere, making it even
more difficult to rescue the soldiers. The soldiers had to swim through the oil and try to help
the other soldiers out. The soldiers tried their best to stay safe, but they couldn’t protect
everybody in an unexpected bombing.
The most important example of going to extreme measures to survive is the military.
Every day, many soldiers go to extreme lengths for our freedom. They go under extensive
training for long periods of time, are away from their families, kill other people, and fight in
unknown countries. Many men and women’s lives are risked daily because in a fight against
other countries, they could be killed at any moment. All of these examples of risk and harm are
extreme lengths that the soldiers go to in order to survive in the army, navy, or marines. All
soldiers deserve respect for the lengths that they go to for our safety.
In conclusion, people will do extreme things in order to survive. Everyone should be
thankful for the people who go the extra mile in order to help others in a time of crisis. One
small thing you may do to help someone, just may save their life.
On a 6-point scale, here’s your score: 4
This response demonstrates competent success with the expository writing task. For the most
part, the essay:




focuses on a clear thesis, with minor distractions
shows effective organization, with minor lapses
offers mostly thoughtful ideas
develops ideas adequately, with a mixture of general and specific elaboration
exhibits general control of written language
Analytic Feedback for Your Essay
Our system has analyzed your essay for 4 important writing traits:




Content and Development
Focus and Organization
Effective Sentences
Grammar, Usage, and Mechanics
Study the statements that describe each trait to help you improve your writing.
Content and Development
Your essay shows competent ability for this trait. For the most part, the essay:


uses some meaningful and thoughtful ideas
elaborates and supports some ideas with a mixture of general and specific details,
reasons, explanations, and/or examples
Focus and Organization
Your essay shows competent ability for this trait. For the most part, the essay:



addresses the prompt, but may include minor digressions
shows some awareness of audience
displays effective organization and transitions, with minor lapses

demonstrates general unity and completeness
Effective Sentences
Your essay shows advanced ability for this trait. For the most part, the essay:




forms sentences correctly; errors in sentence formation are rare and minor
demonstrates exceptional sentence quality by avoiding awkward sentences
displays considerable variety in sentence types, lengths, structures, and
beginnings
displays considerable fluency
Grammar, Usage, and Mechanics
Your essay shows competent ability for this trait. For the most part, the essay:

demonstrates general command of language conventions exhibits general
command of spelling, punctuation, and capitalization