DRUEF'S UMBILICAL THEORY
(Eddie Gallagher)
P. T. Druef (1996 to 1907) maintained that, epistemologically speaking, the most important
psychophenomenological event is the loss of the umbilical cord. This primological mutilation is
the forerunner of all separation, loss and, metaphorically speaking, is a metaphor for our very
mortality, ie our metamorphosis into the metaphysical. All human action can be interpreted as a
search for the lost umbilicus. This developmental process is not only ontological but, by harking
back to the good-old days when our ancestors were nematode worms, recapitulates phylogeny.
What psychoanalysts foolishly mistake for penis envy is merely the individual egos reluctant
acceptance of a poor substitute for the umbilicus and all forms of sexual perversion can be easily
explained away by this sub-subconscious impulse. Many common activities demonstrate barely
repressed umbilical longing: children's games such as pull-toys, skipping, scribbling; wearing
ties, belts and scarves; walking dogs on leads; bondage; knitting; fishing; eating spaghetti;
building motorways, canals and railways; contemplating navels; wearing cords; etc. Anything
represents the umbilicus if it's longer than it's wide. Anything which isn't longer than it's wide is
an unconscious anti-symbolisation or, if round, represents the umbilicus in cross section.
Druef also personally posited the positive position that every attempt to create a close
interpersonal relationship is an indirect manifestation of the manifold urge to be joined to the
manifest other by an umbilical cord. Thus he claimed that his own total inability to form a close
personal relationship proved his psychological superiority, ipso fatso.
The life-cycle, according to the epistemology of umbilico-dynamic theorists can be divided into 7
discrete and overlapping psuedo-stages:
1) The give-me-back-my-umbilicus-or-I'll-make-your-life-a-misery stage (early infancy)
2) The nematode worm impersonation phase (crawling).
3) The cupboard search stage (toddling – ever wondered why they pull everything out?).
4) The filling-in-time-till-stage-5 stage (there has to be 7 stages, this is the filller!).
5) The I-just-thought-how-to-make-another-umbilicus stage (puberty to parenthood).
6) The Deadwood stage.
7) Terminal drop (or "better luck next life")
Everyone passes through all these stages unless or course they don't.
The real beauty of Druef's theory is that, not only does it explain away everything worth
explaining (as of course do many other psychowhatever theories) but it explains why its
explanations inevitably lack explanatory power because the theory explains clearly why no one
can understand it since we are all inhibited from understanding it by our umbilicalogical
defences. It was of course Druef's own psychoillogical defence mechanisms which forced him to
use such obscure languaging so that no one would ever actually finish reading one of his books.
Luckily for Druef most people believe that that which they cannot understand must be fiendishly
clever (reverse floccinoccinihipilification), while in reality they can’t understand it because it is a
load of old cobblers (no disrespect to aging shoe-makers intended).
A later elaboration of Druef's theoretical psychobabble was necessary to explain certain specific
illogicalities in specifically masculine behavioural tendencies. Besides umbilical fixations, which
are present in all three genders (Druef claimed a third, no one knows why) males have the
additional psychothingamalogical complication of Breast Envy; they are traumatised in the first
few years of life by the sad realisation that they will never grow drinks dispensers on their chests.
Their later behaviour is a persistent attempt to overcome this inferiority. This explains obsessive
sucking, drinking, puffing out their chests, staring longingly at bosoms, mountain climbing, etc.,
etceterata. Women, on the other hand, show their primal sub-liminiminal sub-urge to be
symbolically and metaphysically reunited with the umbilicus by picking up worms and