Audition Scene for Spamalot
[They all leave the stage. A new scene in being set: On the
back of eh stage- a castle. In the front- A man, Dennis,
with very dirty clothes is kneeling over the ground, and we
can't see his face. King Arthur and Patsy are riding toward
him]
Arthur:
Old womanDennis Galahad (revealing his face):
Man!
Arthur:
Man, sorry. (Point towards the castle) What knight lives at
that castle over there?
Dennis Galahad:
I'm twenty seven.
Arthur:
What?
Dennis Galahad:
I'm not old!
Arthur:
Well, I can't just call you 'man'.
Dennis (angrily):
Well, you could say 'Dennis'!
Arthur:
I didn't know you are called Dennis.
Dennis:
Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur:
Look, I'm sorry about the old woman thing, but really from
behind you looked-
Dennis:
What I'm objecting to is you automatically treating me like
an inferior.
Arthur:
Well I AM king.
Dennis:
Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And did you get that? By
exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated
imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and economic
differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be
any progressDennis's mother (enters the stage and coming toward him):
Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there. (Notices
Arthur and Patsy) oh, how do you do?
Arthur:
How do you do, good lady?
[Dennis's mother stops, noticing he is a good looking King]
Dennis's mother:
Oh, how do you do? I'm MRS Galahad, widowed mother of
Dennis. (Walks towards Arthur) married to Nobby the Cretin,
dropped dead last Tuesday, which does leaved me sadly
available.
Arthur:
I'm Arthur, king of the Britons.
Dennis's mother:
King of the who?
Arthur:
The Britons.
Dennis's mother:
Who are the Britons?
Arthur:
Well, we all are. We're all Britons and I am your king.
Dennis's mother:
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classesDennis's mother:
There you are, bringing class into it again ...
DENNIS:
That's what it's all about ...
If only -
ARTHUR:
Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who is your
lord?
Dennis's mother:
We don't have a lord.
Dennis:
We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns
to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR
Yes.
DENNIS
... But all the decision of that officer ...
ARTHUR
Yes, I see.
DENNIS
... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple
majority in the case of purely internal affairs.
ARTHUR
Be quiet!
DENNIS
... but a two-thirds majority ...
Be quiet!
ARTHUR
I order you to be quiet!
Dennis's mother:
Order, ey? Who does he thinks he is?
Arthur:
I am your king!
Dennis's mother:
Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur:
You don't vote for kings.
Dennis's mother:
Well, so how did you become a king, then?
Arthur:
Well, I'll tell you. (Music starts) One day, as I was
riding forth from Camelot, I saw a lady in the lakeDennis:
Dead? (The music stops)
Arthur:
No, not dead. She was the lady of the lake! She lives in
the lake.
Dennis:
What, in the water?
Arthur:
Yes.
[Dennis nods to his mother, pointing at Arthur and then
making a sign with his hand which means he thinks Arthur is
being drinking]
Arthur (The music continues):
She appeared to me, out of the bosom of the water, her arm
clad in the purest shimmering Semite, held aloft Excalibur,
to signify by Divine Providence ... (He takes out his sword
and rises it high) that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur!
Patsy:
Excalibur!
Background singing voice:
Excalibur!
[The music stops, Arthur returns the sword]
Arthur:
And that's why I'm your king.
Dennis (Rises and walking toward Arthur):
Listen, strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords
is no basis of a system of government! Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur:
It's not an ordinary sword. How many swords do you know,
that have their own names?
[Dennis stares at him]
Dennis:
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur:
Be quiet!
Dennis:
If I said I was an Emperor because some
moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would
put me away!
Arthur:
You think I would make that up?
Dennis:
Soggy old blonds with their backsides in ponds can’t
replace the electorate.
Arthur:
Since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the lady
of the lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a
knight?
Dennis:
Oh, sure, if she exists I'll join any bloody army. For the
tooth fairy I'll join the navy.
Arthur:
Very well, watch this. (music starts as he speaks) oh, lady
of the lake, please reveal to this doubting Thomas-
Dennis:
Dennis! (His mother nods)
Arthur:
Please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real.
[Behind disbelieving Dennis and his mother the lake start
to light in blue. Dennis doesn't notice it but his mother
does. Then a hole is being opened and out coming the lady
of the lake, surrounded by her laker girls. Dennis notices
her and running to the side of the stage]