The First Wives Club of Henry VIII
Narrator 1:
On the 31 January 1547 in the Queen’s bedroom at Hampton Court,
Palace, a very strange meeting occurred. The official charter gathering
of the First Wives of Henry VIII both incarnate and in spiritus
transpired.
Narrator 2:
Catherine Parr sent out the call. Anne of Cleaves, Anne Boleyn, Jane
Seymour, Catherine Parr and Catherine Howard all heeded the
summons quickly.
Narrator 1:
As you might expect, Catherine of Aragon was slightly reluctant to join
the group though now she was firmly ensconced as a heavenly being.
Narrator 2:
She finally relented when Catherine Parr made the case.
Catherine P:
Poor Henry. He died and now must meet his Maker and plead the
case for his life. Those of us who loved him, or married him because
we had to,
Narrator 1:
She nodded inclusively to Catherine Howard and Anne of Cleves
Catherine P:
should attempt to offer one last service for the repose of his soul.
Narrator 2:
Catherine of Aragon, never one to back away from a challenge finally
acquiesced and drifted in on a light mauve mist, which contrasted
with the brilliant red cloud manifested by her nemesis, Anne Boleyn.
Narrator 1:
Catherine A. pursed her lips slightly and glared at Anne B’s display
Catherine A.
Even now you are too gaudy.
Anne B:
Better than being pallid and bloodless like you!
Catherine P:
Now ladies, let us remember why we are here. It is past time to put
away old hurts and animosities and attempt to create an Apologia
that Henry can use to try to avoid hell.
Catherine H:
I just came for the gossip. Besides…I was just down in the Gallery
scaring the hell out of some tourists there.
Jayne S:
Oh - you're so grisly and disgusting.
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Catherin H:
As if sitting in your blood-stained night-rail isn’t?
Catherine P:
Ladies! Ladies! Can’t we try to get along?
ALL (except Anne):
NO!
Anne of Cleves:
I’ve nothing against any of you ladies or Henry. As the only ‘annulled’
wife I did really well
Catherine A:
Spoken like a true German hausfrau. Henry gives you a house and
says you will be treated like his honored sister and you vacate the
field like a coward. You should have insisted on Henry honouring your
wedding contract.
Anne C:
Because it worked out so well for you?
Catherine A:
We had twenty-two years of wedded bliss…
Catherine H:
If you don’t count Bessie Blount, Mary Boleyn and countless others.
No offence, Cousin Anne
Anne B:
None taken. My sister was a little loose. Kind of like you. No offence,
Cousin Catherine.
Catherine H:
Ouch! That hurt, Annie B.
Catherine P:
Enough! Let us proceed to the reason for this meeting. I need to get
this done. I would like to get on with the rest of my life. Your brother
Tommy is such a hottie, Jane.
Jane S:
Well, since I was his favorite…I should probably start...
Catherine A:
Just because you died before he tired of you.
Jane S:
And because I gave him a male heir which none of the rest of you
could accomplish
Narrator 2:
Jane S. said with a decided air of smugness
Anne B:
Don’t get too high in your instep, Janie, he loved all of us at one time.
Anne C:
Except me
Anne B:
Oops! Sorry
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Tel No – 07952127021 Email - kirsty@reflectproductions.co.uk
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Jane S:
Narrator 1:
Anyway, one of the things you can say about Henry is that he was
always faithful after a fashion.
Jane S smiled at her fellow wives
Catherine A:
Which fashion would that be?
Jane S:
I mean he always loved the one he was with
Anne B:
Until he didn’t
Catherine P:
I would like to say Henry was a devoted Catholic for most of his life.
He was even declared the Defender of the Faith and got a
commendation from the Pope. That should count for something
Anne B:
It should, except then he divorced you, broke from the Catholic
church, declared himself the head of the Church of England, killed his
good friend Thomas More, closed all the monasteries, and confiscated
their revenues and properties for his own use.
Catherine P:
That was all your fault, you brazen hussy!
Anne B:
Hey! I was just in the neighborhood. He did most of that stuff on his
own.
Catherine P:
Can’t any of you think of something nice we can use to recommend
Henry to God?
Narrator 2:
It was silent in the Queen’s Bedchamber.
Catherine H:
Well, he was awfully good about giving us all jewellery and things.
Generous to fault I would say.
Catherine A;
That’s true. And he gave me my lovely daughter Mary.
Anne B:
And Elizabeth, my darling girl, is none too shabby either
Jane S:
Too bad my Edward inherited the throne
Narrator 1:
The three mothers in the group began a vituperative discussion about
of each of their children as compared to the other two.
Catherine P:
Enough! Perhaps this was a bad idea.
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Anne C:
Maybe we need a little more time to think about it. Why don’t we
meet next year and see what we can come up with?
Catherin P:
But what about Henry?
Catherine A:
Oh let him wait and worry,
Narrator 2:
Catherine A said with uncharacteristic acidity.
Catherin A:
Lord knows, he made us all wait and worry often enough.
Narrator 1:
All the wives laughed and heartily agreed at last.
ALL:
With a Hey Nonny, Nonny, Hey!
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Tel No – 07952127021 Email - kirsty@reflectproductions.co.uk
Website – http://www.reflectproductions.co.uk