Lesson 3: Intimacy & Friendship (Companionship)
1. Define Intimacy and remembering why you fell in love
2. Barriers to Intimacy and Friendship
3. Steps to a deeper friendship
Intimacy
Close familiarity or friendship; closeness. "the intimacy between a husband and wife"
Synonyms: closeness, companionship, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness,
friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence;
Throughout tonight we’ll interchange the word intimacy with words like: friendship, companionship. It’s
the closeness that comes from friendship, and the warmth that resonates from that which builds
confidence in a marriage that we really desire to communicate to you through this lesson.
In marriage, extravagant love that comes from close companionship leads to enjoying the journey. I can
honestly say that Dan is my best friend. We aren’t just filling the commitment of saying “I Do”. We desire
to enjoy our days together – I love spending time with Dan. Too often husbands and wives turn into
household and child managers and forget they ever had a close friendship.
Remembering why you fell in love
Read Page 1 & 2 of Date Night Challenge Book by Greg Smalley
Maybe you are sitting here tonight having realized that you realize your married but no longer friends
with your spouse? Or maybe you’re here tonight to ensure you don’t get to that point in your marriage?
It’s important to understand that the transition from being best friends with your spouse to just being
married doesn’t happen overnight. So if you’re at that point where you have lost your friend, it can be
restored, but you must be resilient because restoration doesn’t happen overnight. Here are five points on
transitioning back to friendship:
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Get Back to the Basics - At some point you were friends, and during that time you talked to each
other differently, you treated each other differently, and you showed a different level of respect.
Somehow through the ups, downs, and experiences in your relationship, you began to take things
for granted. You stopped doing the basic things which made you fall in love. Basic things like
opening car doors for her, cooking meals for him, making special trips on the way home before
meeting each other, dressing in your best, or putting on that special cologne or perfume they
liked.
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Saying “yes” to everybody else - One of our biggest challenges was commitments for our kids,
commitments for ministry, and of course, work. Somethings you have no choice, but with others
you do. Stop saying “yes” to everybody else, and say “yes” to your spouse. Instead of filling your
schedule up with all these things, leave space for you and your spouse. You say “yes” to your
spouse by saying “no” to these extra non-essential things.
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Get desperate about date nights - If you’ve done point #2, then you’ve made it easier to make
this happen. When you free up that time, block it out for you two to be together. I wrote recently
about how we were desperate for date nights. We had to make some changes, get out of our
comfort zone, and just not let anything stop us from having date nights. Dating is how you grew
your friendship. Dating will be how you restore your friendship in marriage.
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Talk, talk, and talk some more – Communication is the key. It will unlock the possibilities in your
marriage. Communication is how friendships are made. Do you have any friendships where you
don’t communicate? Maybe you have some friends you don’t talk as much with anymore, but at
one point there was a lot of communication which is the reason you are able to “pick up where
you left off” each time you talk. This goes for your marriage. Talk about silly stuff, talk about
serious stuff, and talk about your true feelings and dreams. The point is to talk on a daily basis.
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Prioritize your friendship - One of the biggest barriers to friendship in marriage, is making other
relationships a priority over your marriage. Marriage is the number one relationship you should
have with another person. This includes your relationship with your kids. Some people don’t like
it, but putting your kids, your parents, your girlfriends or buddies, ahead of your spouse will keep
your friendship from developing to its highest level, which will keep your marriage from getting
there.
Barriers to Intimacy
God provides great teaching on intimacy and how to have strong relationships. He demonstrates the
relationship the bridegroom and bride should have. He requires communication, intimacy, and time
together with him. If you aren’t given God those things he becomes jealous and soon your relationship
with Him will start to suffer.
Some specific barrier to intimacy in your relationship include:
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Selfishness - James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your
desires that battle within you? One characteristic we all share is that we are selfish. Our fights
primarily come from the fact that we are self-seeking; not typically because of money, sex, in-laws
or unmet expectations – just to name a few. Your quarrels arise from the selfish desires that wage
war inside of you and in your relationship. Selfishness will hinder your oneness in every way, every
day.
Laziness and apathy - 1 John 4:10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us
and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Over time in marriage, we can become passive
and choose not to pursue one another. In many ways, this is a veiled form of selfishness when we
choose our own desires and check out of the relationship. We become passive in our relationship
and just quit caring. Love, on the other hand, is self-giving and active, not lazy and apathetic.
Ignorance -The fact is, we just don’t know how to be married well! We don’t have good models
of marriage in friends, parents, and society, so we don’t know how to pursue each other. If you’re
not married yet, take some steps on the premarried side to prepare for marriage, or if you are
already married, get equipped through classes, find mentors, seek God’s word for direction.
A poor understanding of the gospel and forgiveness - Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. When you commit to each
other until ‘death do us part,’ you commit to stick together no matter what challenges and
struggles come your way. When things are “better, richer, and marked by health,” it’s easy. On the
other hand, when life is “worse, poorer, and marked by sickness,” you will be tempted to bail and
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look for the way out. Rather, do for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus. Forgive one
another as God in Christ forgave you. (See Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 18:21-35)
Results of Lack of Intimacy
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Loneliness - Look other places to compensate for the loneliness
Forget how to communicate or get close
Lose your best friend
Divorce
In Genesis 2:18, "The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable
for him.’ The blessing of friendship and tenderness in marriage honors this unchanging truth.
12 Steps to a Deeper Friendship with Your Spouse
1. Recognize that friendship building takes a lot of work – and time.
2. Establish a time each week to spend quality time together – then guard that time with your lives!
3. Choose to spend time together rather than apart. This may mean sacrificing good things for a season
such as small groups, ministry, or bonding time with guys or gals.
4. Explore the interests of your spouse be it baseball, art, musical theater, gardening or hunting. Find out
what they are passionate about and then join them. Often this takes a bit of sacrifice.
5. Take time to find common interests and then engage in them.
6. Use conflict to sharpen and purify friendship.
7. Nourish and care for one another. Be gentle with one another.
8. Accountability and mutual respect, including in the areas of sexuality, finances, and relationships,
should be priorities.
9. Establish daily habits, especially praying together.
10. Affirm one another every day. Be intentional in communicating the other's strengths.
11. Be transparent with one another.
12. Communication. Most experts agree that regular communication builds a friendship that weathers the
storms of life.
Speaking your Spouses Love Language
If you watch prime-time TV or check the sales statistics on romance novels, you will have all the evidence
you need that Western culture is obsessed with love. Yet despite all the talk about love, the reality is that
thousands of children go to bed every night feeling unloved by their parents, and thousands of
husbands and wives go to bed feeling unloved by their spouse.
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Our culture is largely ignorant of the true nature of love and its effect on human relationships. Yet nothing
holds more potential for changing the season of your marriage than learning the truth about love. Part of
the problem is that we use the word love rather loosely. Listen to any conversation on the street and
you're likely to hear statements like these: "I love hot dogs." "I love the beach." "I love my baby." "I love
the mountains." "I just love my new sports car." "I love my mother." "I love my dog." "I love the zoo." Is it
any wonder, then, that when a husband says to his wife, "I love you, honey," she's not sure what to make
of his statement?
Married or single, every adult has an emotional love tank. When we feel loved by people significant to us,
life is beautiful. When our love tank is empty, we struggle emotionally. Much misbehavior among adults
grows out of an empty love tank. For married folks, the person we would most like to have love us is our
spouse. If we feel loved by our spouse, the world looks bright. But if our love tank is empty, the world
begins to look rather dark.
Success in business, education or sports will not satisfy the longing of the human heart for emotional love.
When emotional love evaporates, marriages slip into fall and then winter. Conversely, when emotional
love is rekindled, the warm breezes of spring and summer return to the marriage. The emotional nature of
love as it relates to marriage has the potential to change the emotional climate of your marriage.
It all begins with "the tingles." In the normal course of life, we meet someone who catches our attention.
There is something about the way he or she looks, talks or acts that gives us a warm tingly feeling inside.
The tingles are what motivate people to go out with each other.
Sometimes, on the first date, we lose the tingles. We find out something intolerable about the other
person and the tingles dissipate. But with some people, every time we get together, it just gets tinglier
and tinglier. Eventually, we find ourselves emotionally obsessed. We're quite certain that he or she is the
most wonderful person we've ever met.
Everyone else will see the flaws, but we won't. Our parents may say, "Have you considered that he hasn't
had a steady job in five years?" But we'll respond, "Give him a break. He's just waiting for the right
opportunity." Our friends may ask, "Have you considered that she's been married five times before?" But
we'll respond, "Those other guys were losers. This woman deserves to be happy, and I'm going to make
her happy."
This stage of a romantic relationship can best be described as emotional obsession. We can't get the
other person off our minds. We go to bed thinking about him, and we wake up thinking about him. All
day long, we wonder what she's doing. Talking with her is the highlight of our day, and we want to spend
as much time with her as possible.
This obsession leads to irrational thoughts such as, I'll never be happy unless we are together forever.
Nothing else in life really matters. In this stage of love, differences are minimized or denied. All we know is
that we're happy, we've never been happier, and we intend to be happy for the rest of our lives.
This euphoric stage of love does not require a lot of effort. We are swept along by a river of positive
emotions. We are willing to do almost anything for the benefit of the other person. It is during this time of
emotional obsession that most people get married. They anticipate that they will continue to have these
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euphoric feelings for each other forever. They fail to understand that emotional obsession is only the
initial stage of romantic love.
5 Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation – There’s power in words of appreciation. If your spouse's primary love
language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil.
Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of
love.
2. Acts of Service - Do you remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? For some
people, that is particularly true of love. If acts of service is your spouse's primary love language, nothing
will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.
Maxine, who had been married for 15 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with
her marriage. Listen to what she said: "I don't understand David. Every day he tells me that he loves me,
but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes, and
the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I'm sick of hearing 'I love you.' If he loved me, he would
do something to help me."
Maxine's primary love language is acts of service (not words of affirmation), and even though her
husband, David, loved her, he had never learned to express his love in a way that made her feel loved.
However, after David and I talked and he read The Five Love Languages, he got the picture and started
speaking Maxine's love language. In less than a month, her love tank was beginning to fill up, and their
marriage moved from winter to spring. The next time I talked to Maxine, she said, "It's wonderful. I wish
we had come for counseling 10 years ago. I never knew about the love languages. I just knew I didn't feel
loved."
3. Receiving Gifts - In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an
expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says
if you love someone, you will give to him or her. What many people do not understand is that for some
people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It's the thing that makes them feel loved most
deeply. If you're married to someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you will make your
spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and "no occasion"
days. The gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it's the thought that counts. Even something as simple
as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things
mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.
4. Quality Time - If your spouse's love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided
attention is one of the best ways you can show your love. Some men pride themselves on being able to
watch television, read a magazine, and listen to their wives, all at the same time. That is an admirable trait,
but it is not speaking the love language of quality time.
Men, if you really want to impress your wife, the next time she walks into the room while you are
watching a sporting event, put the television on mute and don't take your eyes off her as long as
she's in the room. If she engages you in conversation, turn the TV off and give her your
undivided attention. You will score a thousand points and her love tank will be overflowing.
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5. Physical Touch - We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick up
babies and touch them tenderly. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or
she feels loved by physical touch.
Learning Your Spouses Love Language
In marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate's
shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you're driving together, and holding hands while
you're walking to kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse. If physical touch is your spouse's primary love
language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and
touch your mate.
If the key to meeting your spouse's need for emotional love is learning to speak his or her love language,
how can you discover what that love language is? It's simple. Listen to your spouse's complaints. Here are
five common complaints and the love language that each reveals:
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"You mean you didn't bring me anything? Did you even miss me while you were gone?"
(receiving gifts)
"We never spend any time with each other anymore. We're like two ships passing in the
dark." (quality time)
"I don't think you would ever touch me if I didn't initiate it." (physical touch)
"I can't do anything right around here. All you ever do is criticize. I can never please
you." (words of affirmation)
"If you loved me, you would do something around here. You never lift a finger to help."
(acts of service)
Typically, when our spouse complains, we get irritated. But he or she is actually giving us valuable
information. Complaints often reveal the key to our spouse's inner longing for emotional love. If we learn
our mate's primary love language – and speak it – we will have a happier spouse and a better marriage.
But what if your spouse's primary love language is something that isn't easy for you to do? What if you're
not a touchy-feely person but your spouse's primary love language is physical touch? The answer is
simple, though not necessarily easy: You learn to speak the language of physical touch. You learn ‘to
speak a new love language by trying. At first it might be very difficult, but the second time will be easier,
and the third time even easier. Eventually, you can become proficient in speaking your mate's love
language; and if he or she reciprocates by speaking your language, the two of you will keep emotional
love alive in your marriage.
What if your spouse is unwilling to read a book about marriage or discuss your marriage? With marriages
in the fall and winter seasons, this is often the case. One spouse becomes concerned enough about the
marriage to read a book, attend a seminar or go for counseling, while the other spouse is unwilling to do
anything. This is when unconditional love becomes exceedingly important. It is easy to love your spouse
when your spouse is loving you. It is easy to say kind words to your spouse when he or she is treating you
kindly. But even if your spouse is unwilling to try or to reciprocate, unconditional love means that you will
choose to love your spouse in his or her primary love language.
Although unconditional love is difficult, it is the kind of love that God has for us. Romans 5:8
says that God loved us "while we were still sinners" and sent Christ to die for us. Scripture also
says that we love God "because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). Therefore, when you choose to
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love your spouse unconditionally, you are following God's example. And if you ask God, He will
give you the ability to do it.
In Romans 5:5 the apostle Paul says, "God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy
Spirit." Likewise, when you pour out your love by speaking your spouse's love language, you are
doing the most emotionally powerful thing you can do. Your spouse desperately needs emotional
love from you. As your spouse's love tank begins to fill, there is a good chance that he or she will
begin to reciprocate.
A full love tank creates a positive atmosphere in which you and your spouse can talk about your
differences more easily and negotiate solutions to your conflicts. I have seen many hard, cold men and
women melt when they begin to receive love in their love language. Love is the most powerful weapon in
the world for good. It can thaw the coldest of winters and bring the blossoms of spring to your marriage.
Self-Reflection Activity
Spend time reflecting on what love language yours spouse prefers. What love language do you prefer?
Write down specific plans on what you can do to meet the needs of your spouse’s love language. Then
work with your spouse and determine TOGETHER what you can do as a team to meet each other’s love
language.
FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
1
2
3
4
5
Gift Giving
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Affection
Words of Affirmation
Identify your spouse’s top love language
My Spouse
My Guess
Answer
What is My Love Language?
Specific Plans for What I Will Do to meet the needs of my spouses love language:
Specific Plans for What We Will Do together to work toward meeting each other’s love
language:
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Spending Time
Knowing your spouse’s love language is just one part of strengthening your bond of friendship and
companionship with your spouse. Just knowing the love language is one thing, but setting time aside to
meet the needs of that love language is another.
There are five positive things you can do that will separate a successful marriage from a failing one. It’s
called Magic Five Hours. Surprisingly, five hours a week can make the difference. Couples in positive
relationships invest an extra five hours each week in their marriages, in very specific ways. Here’s how to
work the magic 5 hours into your own relationship:
1. Partings: Give warm farewells. It is estimated that it takes a mere 2 minutes, for 5 workdays per week:
a total of 10 minutes per week.
2. Greetings: Have a debriefing conversation together at the end of each workday. Allows for a 20 minute
chat, for 5 workdays: a total of 1 hour 40 minutes per week.
3. Admiration and appreciation: Find a way to compliment your spouse every day and to show them you
appreciate them–a 5 minute task, 7 days a week: a total of 35 minutes.
4. Affection: Show physical affection for your spouse. Hug, pat, kiss, touch. Especially goodnight kisses!
5 minutes a day, 7 days a week: a total of 35 minutes.
5. Weekly date: This is the big one, time-wise. Allow for 2 hours, once per week, to connect, chat, dream,
plan, and enjoy each other’s company.
Date Night
“So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and
drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him
under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 8:15
Mentioned many times tonight is the important of date night.
Page 6 – 8 (Read 1 – 12)
-When on a date night, do not talk about household subjects; focus on each other and show interest in
how they are doing, what is going on with them personally.
Fun Ideas
1. Evening of thanks
Think about what your spouse likes and add those things in–such as a favorite meal or dessert. Think
about using all the senses–sight, touch, hearing, taste, smell. Play some favorite music. Light some
candles. Fill your space with a wonderful atmosphere that says, “This evening is special.”
I like to make my space a little festive. It just seems to set the mood I’m going for. So, I use decorations
and other items to signify this isn’t just our average night. Here are a couple I came up with for our
intimate evening of thanks…
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2. Scavenger Hunt – leave several clues that your spouse is required to find which lead up to a final
destination. Clues you leave could lead to a picnic in the park or a picnic in the backyard.
3. Moments of Good deeds – surprise your spouse for days by doing small good deeds like taking out the
trash, putting their clean clothes away, making coffee, packing their lunch, cleaning their car. Do these
deeds without telling them or by leaving a “good deed bandit business card”
4. The surprise – surprise your spouse at lunch. Bring them a flower or the sports page. Go somewhere
new.
5. Away but not Far. Local Vacation – food tour, hotel or spa weekend for one night
6. Time Capsule
A look back at the memories that you have created so far and a look towards the future and creating
many more special memories!
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Hand out forms and bags to encourage time capsule. (see attached)
GROUP ACTIVITY :
Share fun date night experiences you had? Ideas for others
Have everyone talk together on this topic.
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Marriage Time Capsule
Make it a date night to make and fill your time capsule
How to Make a Time Capsule
1. Decide what you want to accomplish with your time capsule…
• Celebrate the passing of another year? – New Year’s to New Year’s
• Celebrate another year of marriage? – Anniversary to Anniversary
• Celebrate a significant passage of time–5 years, 10 years, 25 years, 100 years?
• Celebrate a lifetime? – Each year open and add something significant for that year
2. Choose the items to put inside.
3. Decide what kind of container to put in.
4. Choose a location to bury it or hide it.
5. Put it all together, label it with date to open, seal it, and bury it
6. Try not to touch it until the open date.
 How to Make a Time Capsule to Bury by WorkatHomeMums (via HubPages.com)
This article even includes a link to a society that will register your time capsule so it won’t be
forgotten!
 Man Crafts: Time Capsule by mikeasaurus (via DollarStoreCrafts.com)
 Time Capsule Anniversary Gift via TheDatingDivas.com
 Our Love is Timeless via TheDatingDivas.com
Anniversary Time Capsule Idea
• Bucket list – activities and events we would like to do this year
• Letters to each other
• Letters to our future selves
• List of significant events
• List of typical week’s activities
• List of things we learned in the last year
• List of favorites
• Our Christmas family photo
• Pocket calendar
• A golf ball found on one of our walks
• Panera coffee cup holder (from our Saturday mornings)
• Gas receipt showing price of gas ($1.749! Bet it won’t be that next year!)
• Favorite photos from the year
• A photo of ourselves on the night we sealed the capsule – same pose each year
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