The Actors
(The waiting room of a casting office. #1 sits quietly, eyes closed preparing for an audition. #2 enters, looks
around, signs in, sits next to #1, picks up a magazine and starts to read and hum. After the humming (or
singing) gets louder #1 opens his/her eyes and turns to #2.)
#1: Excuse me. My contemplative silence isn't bothering you, is it?
#2: (Looks up at #1.) I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
#1: Keen grasp of the obvious you have there. Yes, I'm talking to you.
#2: What can I do for you?
#1: I am trying to prepare and your singing/humming, at least I assume it's singing/humming, is interrupting
me.
#2: I'm sorry. I'll be quiet.
#1: Thank you.
#2: My pleasure. (#1 closes his/her eyes. Just as he/she gets settled...) So what are you preparing for?
#1: (Opens his/her eyes.) Since I'm sitting in a casting office, my first guess would be ... an audition.
#2: Oh. (Looks at the script #1 is holding.) Hey, look at that. We're auditioning for the same part.
#1: How nice for us. And I suppose that sparks feelings of kinship for you, hmm?
#2: No, I was just making small talk.
#1: Please don't. I'd like to prepare. I need to center myself.
#2: Please, go right ahead. Forget that I'm here.
#1: From your mouth... (#1 closes his/her eyes and starts to center. #2 turns and watches and slowly moves in
very close. After a beat, #1 opens his/her eyes.) What are you doing?!
#2: (Jumps.) You scared me. I...was just watching you center. I've never seen anyone do that before. You didn't
even move.
#1: Of course I didn't. When you center it's not physical. It's internal.
#2: Oh, I see. Where did you learn that?
#1: From Uta.
#2: Oh, so it's one of those Eastern Religious things.
#1: What? (Pause) No, I didn't say Buddha, I said Uta.
#2: Oh. (Pause) What's an Uta?
#1: Where were you raised? She's not a what. She's one of the greatest acting teachers that ever lived. You've
never heard of Uta Hagen?
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#2: No, I haven't. Was she ever on "Roseanne"?
#1: How long have you been acting?
#2: A little over a year.
#1: And you're here. Amazing. During my first year of acting I wasn't allowed to audition. I wasn't even allowed
to talk.
#2: Why?
#1: Because until I understood my craft, until I could start to create a character, what I had to say as an actor
was irrelevant. I wasn't worthy of being heard.
#2: Who told you that?
#1 Stella.
#2: Stella? Let me guess, Uta's sister?
#1: Where exactly did you study acting?
#2: What's to study? They give you things to say, and you say them. Seems pretty straight forward to me.
#1: It would. Do you want to see how it's done professionally?
#2: Sure. Sounds like fun.
#1: Fun? FUN?! Acting is not fun. It's an art and art is suffering. It's digging down into the depths of your soul
and despair. It's reaching down and grabbing that inner most secret part of yourself, wrenching it out
and laying it bare for the world to see and trample on. The one thing it's not ... is fun! Understand?
#2: (Gets a little tentative.) Yeah. I understand. (Pause) Boy, you take this acting stuff seriously, don't you?
#1: Do you want to do this or not?
#2: Yeah.
#1: (Gets up.) OK, stand up. (#2 stands.) Now close your eyes.
#2: Why?
#1: Because you can't connect with your inner self if you are connected to the outer world. If you can see the
outer world, you are connected to it.
#2: Makes sense. OK, I'll close my eyes. (Closes his/her eyes.)
#1: Now spread your arms wide. (#2 starts to speak.) Don't ask why. Just do it. (#2 does.) Now, I want you to
let your feet and legs become one with the floor, your body one with the air, and your mind one with
the universe.
#2: (Opens one eye and looks at #1) You're spreading me a little thin, aren't you?
#1: What?
#2: Well, it's kinds hard to become one with anything with my mind in the universe, my body in the air and my
feet on the floor.
#1: You're missing the point. This is to free you up so you can dive into your character and pull its heart out.
#2: I don't want to pull its heart out. I just want to read what he/she is supposed to say.
#1: But until you understand this person, how can you portray him/her?
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#2: (Picks up his/her slides.) This is a dog food commercial. All I have to understand is that this person has a
dog, Rex, who likes Mr. Woo's Chinese Dog Food.
#1: This is my point, and Uta's. If that's all you know, you've just scratched the surface. If you don't explore
more than that, how do you ever expect to get a job?
#2: Oh, I've gotten jobs. I've done some commercials.
#1: How many commercials could you have possibly gotten?
#2: Last year... fourteen.
#1: FOURTEEN!?
#2: Is that a lot?
#1: It's ... OK. What were they? Those little local things?
#2: No, they were shown all over the country. My agents said they were called ... um...Nationals? Yeah. That's
what he called them.
#1: You did fourteen national commercials last year?
#2: Uh-huh. They were fun, too. I made enough to put a down payment on a house.
#1: Well ... until you learn more, I wouldn't expect that to last too long.
#2: Tell me about it. Since the beginning of this year, I've only done three.
#1: But it's only February.
#2: I know. Last year at this time I had done five.
#1: (Sits down, dumbfounded. Then finally...) So ... tell me... what exactly do you do when you audition?
#2: Well I ... wait, what about Uta and Stella?
#1: Forget them!
#2: Why, I thought they were the best.
#1: Did they ever do fourteen national commercials in one year? You bet they didn't! So tell me.
#2: OK. See I walk in there...
CURTAIN
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