Props:
5 chairs in a row, facing the audience
sword (man)
Key (gateman)
Sash (Queen)
Crown (King)
Dunce princess hat
Characters:
Man, Gateman, Queen, King, Princess
All these are played by 2 guys who run between characters. The props sit on the
chairs and the new person picks it up each time there’s a change. Every time a line
is quoted the person stands up, and then he sits down when his line is done.
ACT I
Man: *knocks* (To gateman) I’m here to marry the princess
Gateman: Let me ask the queen. Queen?
Queen: Yes?
G: There’s a man here to marry the princess.
Queen: Let me ask the king. King?
King: Yes?
Q: There’s a man here to marry the princess.
K: Let me ask the princess. Princess?
Princess: Yes?
K: There’s a man here to marry you.
P: Tell him I said, “NO!” **pppbbbthht**
K: The princess says NO **pppbbbthht**
Q: The princess says NO **pppbbbthht**
G: The princess says NO **pppbbbthht**
M: Then die. (Kills gateman. To queen:) I’m here to marry the princess.
Q: Let me ask the king. King?
K: Yes?
Q: There’s a man here to marry the princess.
K: Let me ask the princess. Princess?
P: Yes?
K: There’s a man here to marry you.
P: Tell him I said NO **pppbbbthht**
K: The princess says NO **pppbbbthht**
Q: The princess says NO **pppbbbthht**
M: Then die! (Kills queen. To king: ) I’m here to marry the princess.
K: Let me ask the princess. Princess?
P: Yes?
K: There’s a man here to marry you.
P: Tell him I said NO **pppbbbthht**
K: The princess says NO **pppbbbthht**
M: Then die! (Kills king. To princess: ) I’m here to marry you.
P: Never! (Takes sword and kills him).
* ACT II: do the whole thing in slow motion. (Don’t do all the repeats. Just go from
“Then die! To: I’m here to marry to princess. “She says no.” Then die! I’m here to
marry you... NO! DIE!)
* ACT III: do the whole thing in fast motion.
The King and I
ACT I:
Prince enters with sword stands next to guard (holding spear) and says
Prince:
Guard:
Prince:
Guard:
I have come to marry the princess.
The Princess?
The Princess!
I shall have to ask the King!
Prince drops sword and runs to kings throne and puts on crown
Guard:
King:
Guard:
King:
There’s a man here who wants to marry the princess.
The Princess?
The Princess!
I shall have to ask the Queen!
Guard drops spear, runs to Queens chair, wears a wig and talks with high voice
King: My dear, there’s a man here who wants to marry the princess.
Queen: The Princess?
King: The Princess!
Queen: Hang on a second, I’ll ask her.
King drops crown and runs to princess’ chair and holds a kerchief
Queen: Princess?
Princess: Yes
Queen: There’s a man here and he wants to marry you.
Princess: Me?
Queen: Yes, you.
Princess: Tell him I said NO! (raspberry)
Queen then turns to the King and says “she said ‘NO’ (raspberry)”. King turns to
The guard and says “she said ‘NO’ (raspberry)”. Guard then turns to the Prince
And says “she said ‘NO’ (raspberry)”. Prince says “Then die!” Guard falls down
Dead. Prince goes up to the King (guard drops spear and puts on crown) and
Starts the process all over again. Until Prince slays king and then again until the
Prince slays the queen and then he gets to the princess and asks her to marry him
And she says NO! and takes his sword and slays him.
THE END
Act II is the same but in slow motion (for times sake just to the slayings in succession).
Act III is super fast.
I’m here to marry the princess (long version)
I couldn't find a copy of the words for this skit, so I have rewritten it. Get some
simple costumes, and have fun with a skit that relies on two people trying to play
five parts. Half the fun is listening to the characters trying to remember which voice
to use and what is going on, and watching them trying to change costumes while
keeping the play going.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, for your viewing pleasure, we had planned to bring you the
Royal Stratford Shakespearean Company. Unfortunately the actors had dinner last
night at (or with) (depending on where this is being done, use the name of another
camp, another troop, or another patrol), and they all came down with food
poisoning. Fortunately their manager and bus driver ate with us, and have agreed
to perform one of Shakespear's earlier plays, THE KING, THE QUEEN, AND THE
GATE. MANAGER (Dressed as a knight): (knocks on the castle gate, stage left) DRIVER (Dressed as a page): Who goes there?
MANAGER (Knight): I'm not going anywhere! I'm standing here knocking. DRIVER (Page): Then who stands there and knocks?
MANAGER (Knight): An errant knight. DRIVER (Page): Are you sure that's not a knight errant? MANAGER (Knight): That's what I thought, but everyone I've met says I'm more of
an errant knight.
DRIVER (Page): I see, well state your business. MANAGER (Knight): I'm an errant knight! I already told you that!
DRIVER (Page): No. I mean what do you want? MANAGER (Knight): I want to see the king. DRIVER (Page): Stay here. I'll see if he is busy. (he goes to see the king, left center
stage. The manager drops his costume and runs to the throne and puts on the kings
costume.) Oh king, a knight awaits without. DRIVER (Page): Without the gate. MANAGER (King): Then give him the gate. DRIVER (Page) (he goes back to the gate. The manager leaves the kings costume at
the throne, and runs back to the gate to put on the knights costume. The page rips
the gate from its hinges and gives it to the knight.) Here! The king said to give you
the gate. MANAGER (Knight): I don't want the gate!
DRIVER (Page): Well then what do you want? MANAGER (Knight): I want the princess' hand in marriage.
DRIVER (Page): Just her hand? MANAGER (Knight): No, I want the whole princess. D
RIVER (Page): I'll go tell the kin
g. (He goes to the throne as the manager races to change into the kings costume.)
MANAGER (King): Well, did you give him the gate. DRIVER (Page): He doesn't want the gate. MANAGER (King): What does he want? DRIVER (Page): He wants the princess' hand in marriage. MANAGER (King): Just her hand? DRIVER (Page): No, he wants the whole princess. MANAGER (King): I'd better ask the queen, ....Oh queen. (He turns to the next chair
as the driver races to change from the page costume to that of the queen.) DRIVER (Queen): Yes. MANAGER (King): A knight awaits without. DRIVER (Queen): Without what? MANAGER (King): Without the gate. DRIVER (Queen): Well then give him the gate. MANAGER (King): I tried that. He doesn't want the gate. DRIVER (Queen): So, what does he want?
MANAGER (King): He wants the princess' hand in marriage. DRIVER (Queen): Just her hand? MANAGER (King): No, he wants the whole princess. DRIVER (Queen): I'll ask her. (He goes to the princess' room, stage right. The
manager changes from the kings costume to the princess.) My dear, a knight awaits
without. MANAGER (Princess): Without what? (Queen): Without the gate. MANAGER (Princess): Then give him the gate. DRIVER (Queen): Your father tried that, but he doesn't want the gate. MANAGER (Princess): Then what does he want? DRIVER (Queen): He wants your
hand in marriage. MANAGER (Princess): Just my hand? DRIVER (Queen): No, he wants all of you.
MANAGER (Princess): Tell him no! DRIVER (Queen): (The driver goes back to the throne room, the manager dashes
back and changes into the king's costume.) Tell him no! MANAGER (King): (The Driver changes into the page's costume.) Tell him no! DRIVER (Page): (The driver goes to the gate, and the manager changes into the
knight's costume.) She says no! MANAGER (Knight): (The knight stabs the page)
Stab!
DRIVER (Page): Die.... (he falls to the floor, then he gets up and runs to the throne
room and puts on the king's costume. The knight enters the throne room.) MANAGER (Knight): Oh king, I must speak to you. DRIVER (King): Who are you? MANAGER (Knight): I'm an errant knight. DRIVER (King): Don't you mean a knight errant? MANAGER (Knight): That's what I thought, but everyone I've met says I'm more of
an errant knight.
DRIVER (King): I see. State your business.
MANAGER (Knight): I'm an errant knight. I already told you that. DRIVER (King): No, I mean what do you want? (Knight): I want the princess' hand in marriage. DRIVER (King): Just her hand? MANAGER (Knight): No. I want the whole princess!
DRIVER (King): I'll ask the queen. (he goes to the queen's room, as the manager
races to change into the queen's costume.) Oh dear, I've just had the strangest
conversation. MANAGER (Queen): With whom? DRIVER (King): An errant knight.
MANAGER (Queen): Isn't that a knight errant?
DRIVER (King): Well, normally yes, but in this case I think he is more of an errant
knight. MANAGER (Queen): I see. What business does he have with us? DRIVER (King): He's in the errant knight business. I already told you that. MANAGER (Queen): No, I mean what does he want. (King): He wants the princess' hand in marriage. MANAGER (Queen): Just her hand? DRIVER (King): No , he seems to want the rest of her too. MANAGER (Queen): Well, I'll ask her. (the queen goes to the princess' room as the
driver races to change into the princess' costume. Oh, dear. DRIVER (princess): Yes, mother. MANAGER (Queen): A strange man just talked to your father. DRIVER (princess): Oh? Who is he? MANAGER (Queen): An errant knight.
DRIVER (princess): Isn't that a knight errant? MANAGER (Queen): Your father says he is more of an errant knight, and if anyone
knows errant, it's your father. DRIVER (princess): What business does he have with us? MANAGER (Queen): I already told you he was in the errant knight business. DRIVER (princess): No, I mean what does he want? MANAGER (Queen): He wants you hand in marriage. DRIVER (princess): Just my hand?
MANAGER (Queen): No. I understand he'll take the rest of you too.
DRIVER (princess): Tell him no! MANAGER (Queen): (the queen goes back to her room, the driver changes back into
the King.) Tell him no!
DRIVER (King): (The king goes back to the throne room, the manager changes back
into the knight.) She says no!
MANAGER (Knight): Stab! (He stabs the king.) DRIVER (King): Die....(he falls to the floor, then races to change into the queen, as the
knight enters the queens room.) MANAGER (Knight): Oh queen, I must speak to you. DRIVER (Queen): Who are you? MANAGER (Knight): I'm an errant knight. DRIVER (Queen): So I see. MANAGER (Knight): Aren't you going to ask me if I don't mean a knight errant? DRIVER (Queen): No. You're the most errant knight I've ever met! MANAGER (Knight): Thank you.
DRIVER (Queen): What business do you have with me? MANAGER (Knight): The
errant knight business. I already told you that. DRIVER (Queen): No, I mean what do you want? MANAGER (Knight): I want your daughter's hand in marriage. DRIVER (Queen): Just her hand? MANAGER (Knight): No, I want all of her. DRIVER (Queen): I have a really bad feeling about this, but I'll ask her. (She goes to
the princess room. The manager changes into the princess.) My dear. MANAGER
(Princess): Yes mother. DRIVER (Queen): There's a man in the other room. MANAGER (Princess): Who is
he? DRIVER (Queen): An errant knight. MANAGER (Princess): Isn't that a knight errant? DRIVER (Queen): Well, normally yes. But this guy is as errant as they come. MANAGER (Princess): What business does he have with us? DRIVER (Queen): He's in the errant knight business, weren't you listening? MANAGER (Princess): Yes, but what I meant was what does he want? DRIVER (Queen): He wants your hand in marriage. MANAGER (Princess): Just my hand? DRIVER (Queen): I think he has his heart set on some other parts as well.
MANAGER (Princess): Tell him no! DRIVER (Queen): (the queen goes back to her room, the manager changes back into
the knight.) She says no!
MANAGER (Knight): Stab! (He stabs the queen.)
DRIVER (Queen): Die....(She falls to the ground, and then races off to change into
the princess as the manager enters the princess' room.) MANAGER (Knight): My princess.
DRIVER (Princess): Who are you? MANAGER (Knight): I'm a knight errant. DRIVER (Princess): No you're an errant knight! That knight errant line is mine.
(Pointing at the script.) MANAGER (Knight): Oh, sorry.........I'm an errant knight! DRIVER (Princess): Don't you mean a knight errant? MANAGER (Knight): Isn't that what I said in the first place? DRIVER (Princess):
Boy, you really are an errant knight aren't you! M
ANAGER (Knight): Yes. DRIVER (Princess): State your business. MANAGER (Knight): I'm an errant knight. I've told you that three times now. Errant
knight! Errant knight! Errant knight! DRIVER (Princess): I know that part, but what do you want. MANAGER (Knight): I want your hand in marriage.
DRIVER (Princess): Well it's not my hand you keep staring at, buster. MANAGER (Knight): It's not just your hand that I want! DRIVER (Princess): Well then, state your business!
MANAGER (Knight): Errant knight! Errant knight! Errant knight! DRIVER (Princess): You know, you're kind of cute when you get mad. MANAGER (Knight): I wish you were. DRIVER (Princess): Were what? Mad? MANAGER (Knight): No! I wish you were cute. DRIVER (Princess): Come closer big boy. MANAGER (Knight): I think I hear my horse calling me. DRIVER (Princess): Don't play hard to get. MANAGER (Knight): I think I'd better go now. DRIVER (Princess): You can't. I locked the door. MANAGER (Knight): Stab...die. (He stabs himself and falls to the floor.)
ANNOUNCER: And thus ends our tale of two star crossed lovers. Alright it's not
Romeo and Juliet, but every playwrite has to start somewhere.