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DEAR VICKI
As one year ends and another begins, I feel haunted by the “coulda, shoulda, wouldas.” I’ve
made so many mistakes that resulted in a disappointing marriage and a lackluster career. Maybe
if I’d had some breaks and encouragement, I would have done better. If I could do things over,
I’d make different choices but it’s too late for that now that I am in my latter years. Sometimes, I
read the obituaries and cringe when I think how little of substance will be written in mine. I read
about successful people or watch them on television and berate myself for not doing more with
my life. How can I resolve these feelings of failure?
For many of us, the dawning of a new year heralds in a time of taking stock. And in our senior
years, it is a natural task to look back and review our life’s trajectory. In fact, doing so can
suffuse our lives with deep meaning and satisfaction. Or in your case, it can lead to feelings of
loss and despair.
What makes the difference? Simply, it is attitude, our way of looking at the world.
You’ve fallen into some unhealthy thinking patterns and are viewing your life through this
negative lens. No wonder you feel discouraged. Fortunately, these habits most definitely can be
changed—at any age. The benefits to your well-being make it worth the effort that it will take to
alter your long-standing patterns of thinking.
My first recommendation is that you stop using others as a yardstick to measure your self-worth.
Doing so, in essence, is comparing someone’s outside to your own inside. You do not know their
limitations, failures and disappointments because you are only seeing the window dressing. Such
a comparison is faulty, unfair and damaging to your own self-image.
Next, work on accepting your past choices. Life is about learning. In order to learn, we must
make mistakes, much as a toddler does when he is learning to walk. Accepting our human frailty
and errors of judgment is critical to our mental health. When we reframe our self-criticism to the
notion that we did the best that we could, given our circumstances, we let ourselves off the futile
hook of self-condemnation.
Finally, address your patterns of negative thinking. The school of therapy that deals with learning
to change negative thought patterns is called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Health
professionals recognize it as a highly effective treatment for low self-image issues such as you
describe. It is also appropriate for issues such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating
disorders and substance abuse. To learn more, investigate some of the many books on the market
that teach these skills. For example, any of the Feeling Good books by David Burns are
excellent. There is even a Dummie’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that provides
detailed information and examples.
However, be warned. You are trying to change long-standing patterns of behavior and going it
alone can be overwhelming. Rather than giving up and having one more thing to beat yourself up
over, I suggest that you find a therapist skilled in cognitive behavioral therapy. Ask upfront for
their experience with CBT and insist on setting goals and sticking to them.
To get you started on your path to more positive thinking, pay attention to your self-talk. That’s
what we tell ourselves about everything from a situation to our own behavior. It’s our
interpretation of the world and our place within it. These thoughts may be rational, based on fact,
or they may be irrational, based on incomplete or false evaluations. And they may be positive or
negative. What you want to do is to stop those negative blurbs in their tracks.
As a good reminder, wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you compare yourself to
someone else, snap that rubber band and loudly say “Stop.” Re-direct your thoughts to a positive
angle. For example, tell yourself something like, “Every day I’m getting better at appreciating
what I do well.” Negative thinking is a habit and like all bad habits, it can be changed. It just
takes practice.
Dwelling on regrets is a certain way to drain all of the happiness and joy available to you in the
present moment. Instead, invest in yourself today. Learn these valuable skills to make the rest of
your life become a positive force. Are you a good friend? A caring parent? A reliable volunteer?
Everyone has strengths and gifts. You’ve done many things right because you’ve made it to this
stage of life. Letting go of those regrets will free you to find your strengths and to live a life of
resilience and renewal.
Family Relationship Stress
Several years ago, I relocated to be close to my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
Because he is my only child and I was widowed when he was young, my son and I have always
been close. But now it seems that I do nothing right. He acts impatient and critical with me
whenever he sees me, which are increasingly rare occurrences. I understand that he has a family
of his own, but I am incredibly hurt by his behavior. My attempts to talk to him about this have
been unsuccessful.
Let me first empathize with you about these difficult circumstances and then give you some
questions to ponder. Your responses may help you to more fully understand what is happening
and to move toward a closer relationship with your son and his family.
No matter what the root cause of this rift, the result is one of pain and rejection for you, and
perhaps for him as well. Particularly because you were close at one time, the loss of this bond
cuts deeply. Above all, be gentle in accepting the feelings of grief that arise from this loss. A
family rift can be just as devastating as a death. If, at any time, you feel unable to cope with your
negative emotions, please see a therapist or physician immediately.
Answer these questions with honesty, but without self-judgment. They are designed to help you
find solutions rather than to determine fault.
 Was there an identifiable point that instigated this change in your relationship? What was
happening when it began? Try to identify what led up to this distance between you. The answer
may provide clues to its resolution. If there was a provoking incident, do what you can to clarify
misunderstandings and make appropriate amends.
 How is your relationship with your daughter-in-law and granddaughter? Remember that
your son now comes as a package deal. If there is tension between you and your daughter-in-law,
you must address it in order to mend this rift with your son. Include your son’s family when you
issue invitations and focus on building warm and respectful individual relationships with both
your daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
 What else is going on? Consider that your son may be taking other stresses out on you. Yes,
that is unfair, but all of us are sometimes guilty of imposing our unpleasant moods on those we
love the most. Perhaps his work is not going well, his finances are troubling or there are
problems in his marriage. This is not a pass for bad behavior, but understanding these possible
contributors may allow you to avoid taking his slights as personally.
 What are your other sources of support and entertainment? Since you are new to the area,
join a group, church or volunteer organization and develop a life for yourself with an array of
friends and activities. Possibly, your son’s irritability is influenced by feeling responsible for
your well-being and happiness. When your son sees you busy and involved with your own life,
rather than being dependent upon him for sole support, he may feel relieved of a burden that
even he is unaware of feeling.
 How can you communicate your concerns? After you have addressed any of the above issues,
take another look at your relationship. If necessary, consider again talking to him about this rift
or writing him a letter with your concerns. Keep a positive focus on the future rather than
rehashing what has already transpired. It’s not easy, I know! If you plan a discussion, practice
what you are going to say first. If you are writing a letter, do several drafts and review them
carefully prior to sending them.
Finally, let me suggest a terrific book that all families could benefit from by reading. Healing
from Family Rifts by Mark Sichel is filled with wisdom, empathy and sound suggestions to help
keep all of our family relationships humming along more smoothly. Although its intended
audience is those among us who have been cut off from a family member, this uplifting book
will help anyone foster more rewarding and satisfying relationships with their loved ones.
Broken down into 10 practical steps, the book includes real-life success stories, effective
communication guidelines and even tips for developing that full life outside of your family ties.
It is available at local bookstores, Amazon and many libraries. Check it out.
Conflict about Conflict
My husband and I are almost five years into a second marriage for both of us. Mostly, things are
good, except for how we handle conflicts. He hates to argue and walks away at any sign of
disagreement. I think some conflict is healthy, if it is handled correctly. When he clams up and
won’t talk through our problems, I feel shut out and dismissed. In the end, I think it hurts rather
than helps our relationship to avoid issues that may create some heated arguments. How do we
solve this difference?
Take a look at the personal growth section in any bookstore and you’ll quickly see that conflict
management is a hot topic. Scores of books line the shelves about managing conflict in
relationships, business, politics and almost every area of life. In other words, conflict happens!
Even seasoned therapists and other “experts” experience conflict about the causes and cures for
this common problem.
In order to give a comprehensive answer, I’d need much more information. Different theories
approach conflict from various angles and we could explore your past, your expectations, etc.
However, the following framework borrowed from the business world may give you fresh
insight and foster better interactions.
Research in the field of human relations identifies five strategies for conflict management:
1. Competition – using authority or personal power to influence the outcome of a conflict,
e.g., “It’s my way or else.”
2. Accommodation – allowing your partner to have his or her way and neglecting your own
needs, e.g., “I give up. You win!”
3. Avoidance – ignoring the conflict and any attempts toward resolution, e.g., “I don’t want
to talk about it.”
4. Compromise – resolving the conflict by choosing a solution that is somewhat acceptable
to both partners, but not completely satisfying to either, e.g., “We both give a little and
get a little.”
5. Collaboration – using cooperation and problem-solving skills to find a mutually
satisfying solution, e.g., “We find an answer that satisfies each of us. We both win.”
While each strategy has pros and cons, people who handle conflict well select and use the one
that best fits the situation. For example, you may need to use competition (or force) in dangerous
or urgent situations. At the same time, always insisting on your own way is a sure way to evoke
resentment and anger. Not a good pick!
As creatures of habits, we become stuck in a comfortable rut, most often using one or two of
these styles although all of them are available to us. While certain questionnaires can help
determine your primary style, you can probably identify both your personal favorites and those
of your partner just by reviewing that list. Right? I thought so!
Furthermore, can you guess which styles are healthiest for couples? Yep, the last two strategies
are your best bet in most cases. In particular, collaboration allows us to use our creative problemsolving abilities to foster mutual respect, meaningful rapport and interpersonal intimacy. Hey,
that’s the good stuff that translates into love.
Hold on a minute before planning to collaborate all the time. It’s not that simple. Collaboration
requires time and effort. Some disagreements are too trivial to justify time-consuming
resolutions. Imagine that you and your partner disagree on which movie to see on the weekend.
Accommodating and yielding to your partner’s desire to see the latest Oscar contender may serve
you best. Aim for balance and consideration in these types of minor conflicts.
Talk with your husband about the five strategies. Without assigning judgment and blame,
determine which go-to strategy each of you most often use. Then discuss your next most
frequently used choice. Often, just using a secondary strategy will ease the log jam. Give it a try!
Also, seek opportunities for collaboration, building your problem-solving skills and arriving at a
win-win solution.
Consistently avoiding conflict or stonewalling, with the excuse, “I don’t like to argue,”
undermines a relationship. In a similar manner, the person who dislikes going to a doctor risks
their health if they use their distaste as an excuse to avoid dealing with medical concerns. Most
of us don’t enjoy going to the doctor or dealing with conflict. However, for the health of our
body, we overcome our resistance and seek medical care. And for the health of our relationship,
we strengthen our bond by resolving differences in a mutually satisfying manner. If necessary,
we can agree to disagree with respect in a way that honors our relationship and deepens
intimacy.
Keep your eye focused on balance and tolerance. Choose your battles with care, avoid making
“mountains out of molehills,” and shrug off those minor annoyances. Learn to ask for what you
need. Your spouse is not a mind reader. When you voice grievances, use “I” language to
communicate rather than “you” language which tends to blame and shame. For example, “I feel
(left out, unappreciated, unloved, etc.),” rather than, “You are so (thoughtless, inconsiderate,
etc.).
If you need more help, seek professional assistance without delay. When conflict escalates,
becomes chronic, or is destructive. It erodes those loving feelings and sets up a difficult-toreverse negative cascade of emotions. For assistance in finding a qualified therapist, ask your
physician or a member of the clergy to recommend someone they trust. Clinicians trained in
relationship skills include licensed counselors, pastoral counselors, clinical social workers,
marriage and family therapists and psychologists.
Finally, remember that happy couples stay connected by communicating with many more
positive than negative interactions. So, although conflict is a given, keep the tone in your home
upbeat by balancing disagreements with appreciation, gratitude and by having fun together.
Check out these excellent books and audio recordings for more suggestions:
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Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, PhD.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.
Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Looking for Friends
My recent retirement was my choice and I am happy with that decision. However, now I realize
that all my friends were work-related acquaintances. I’ve gotten together for lunch a couple of
times with the office group, but it isn’t the same. They’ve moved on and I need to do the same.
My wife is good company, but I think I’m cramping her style with too much togetherness. How
can I branch out?
Making friends later in life is as important as it always has been, maybe even more so. That’s
because, as you point out, we lose some of those paths for social interaction that we’ve relied on
in the past, like our jobs or the contacts we made through our growing children. Having a social
support system is a key factor in maintaining both our physical and mental health as we age.
But for all our life experience, we hold onto the idea that making friends is something that just
happens effortlessly. Wrong! No matter what stage of life we are in, making friends takes both
intention and effort. Truly, it’s always been that way. Even kids must make an effort to have
friends.
Let’s start with that intention. Accept that making new friends is both a challenge and an
opportunity. It’s going to take some work but it will be an adventure too. Decide to make at least
one attempt every week and hold yourself accountable by keeping a record of your efforts. It’s a
great way to see what works for you.
Where do you start? Here are some suggestions:
 Be a sport:
Find an athletic activity you enjoy or one you would like to learn. Avoid solo activities like
jogging alone if your aim is to meet others. Instead, join a hiking group, a senior golf league or
take tennis lessons. If you’re stuck for ideas, check out www.meetup.org for local activities and
events.
 Give of yourself:
Volunteer your way to new friendships. As a bonus, this will also help you to develop a sense of
purpose (something that many retirees desire). Many communities, such as Anne Arundel
County, offer a dedicated volunteer center that helps match your skills and interests to a
community need. Contact them at www.volunteerannearundel.org or phone 410 897-9207.
Choose a group activity where you work alongside others. Answering phones at home isn’t the
ticket to making friends.
 School rules:
That’s right, go back to school! Stimulate your mind and meet new people. Community colleges
offer a wide range of classes for retired folks at a nominal fee. Steer away from lecture classes if
you’re looking to ramp up your social life. Instead, choose participation classes such as
photography or watercolor painting.
 Keep the faith:
A large sign in our community says: “Rethink Church.” Indeed, revisit your faith or find a new
one that suits your beliefs. Attending a weekly service may enrich your spiritual life but, by
itself, probably won’t help you connect with others. Look for small group activity within the
church or synagogue. It may involve Bible study, a cleanup crew, a soup kitchen or membership
in a choir.
 Go Clubbing:
You guessed it, join a club. Look in the newspaper for listed book clubs, art clubs, political clubs
and more. Check them out. Also, investigate the listings in online newspapers such as
www.Patch.com that provide excellent coverage of local organizations. And don’t forget the
Rotary and other civic clubs. Once more, the trick is to become involved by volunteering.
Now what? So, you’ve taken the first steps. You made it your intention to make new friends and
you’ve signed up for a class, joined a club, taken up a sport, and gone back to church. Great!
You’re busy, but that’s not enough. This is the toughest part for many of us. You have to take it
to the next step and reach out to these casual acquaintances.
Take courage! Keep your sense of humor and a relaxed attitude and decide to take the initiative.
By now, you’ll have met at least a few likely souls who seem worth getting to know on a deeper
level. Invite one of them to grab a cup of coffee after the meeting or for a drink after a round of
golf. If they say no, that’s OK. Maybe next time, they’ll be free.
“You must kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince!” So, says a slogan on a pillow that I spotted in a
local gift store. This holds true in making friends, as well as in romance. Some of your efforts
will just not prove fruitful. Some people are too busy, too lazy or simply not interested in
becoming friends. Don’t give up! Remember that even natural extroverts strike out sometimes.
My rule is to reach out three times to someone that I’d like to get to know better. If at that point,
I’ve hit a brick wall, I move on and pat myself on the back for trying.
There’s a whole world of new friends out there and now you have the time to invest in
meaningful connections. What are you waiting for?
Mending Fences
I’ve lost touch with a good friend and don’t know what to do about it. Kathy helped me through
one of the most difficult times in my life. When my husband died, I could barely put one foot in
front of the other. She was my lifeline for that terrible year as I picked up the pieces and decided
to move to be closer to my adult children. After I made that decision, Kathy started to distance
herself and almost seemed angry that I was moving to another state. It was subtle, but I knew
from her words and actions that she thought I was making the wrong choice. I guess I became
defensive and made some comments to other friends about her lack of support. She confronted
me about those comments on the day that I moved and we parted angry and upset with each
other. It’s been almost two years since I moved and we’ve never been in touch. I still miss her
and hate that we are no longer friends. I am so grateful and still love her for how she helped me
when I needed it most and wonder if there is any way to mend things. Over time, I’ve come to see
her side of things too. Maybe her pulling away had more to do with just feeling abandoned by my
planned move. But what can I do now? We live far apart and it’s not like we can have coffee and
patch things up.
It’s clear that this was a deep and meaningful friendship to you and it is worth trying to save. But
you’re right that the physical distance between you poses an additional challenge to healing this
rupture.
Why not start with a heartfelt letter? Try this: Write the letter saying everything that you want to
say. Then, set the letter aside for a few days or so. After that time, go back and strike out every
line and word in which you defend yourself or blame her. Keep the focus on your gratitude and
love, on how much you miss her, and on what you would like to happen between you now. A
simple “I’m so sorry for my mistakes” is sufficient and there is no need to beat to death whatever
went wrong between the two of you. It’s past history that you both know too painfully well.
Focus on the future. In your letter, tell her that you’d like to get reacquainted if she is open to it
and schedule a time for a phone chat. Take your cue from her response. Perhaps, she misses you
too and is also hoping for an opportunity to reconnect. However, be prepared that she might have
moved on emotionally and be uninterested in resuming your friendship for a variety of reasons.
If she responds positively, keep the connection growing with phone calls and maybe visits after a
bit. If you get rebuffed, try to cherish the positive memories that you have of Kathy and let go,
knowing that you tried to mend things. And remember that there are different kinds of
friendships. Some people are friends for a reason, some are friends for a season and some are
friends for a lifetime. You can make the first move in reconnecting, but it takes two willing souls
to make a friendship work.
The Online Dating Question
After my wife’s death nearly two years ago after a long illness, I’ve slowly developed some
interests and hobbies. However, I miss having a companion and am considering an online dating
service. I’ve scouted a few out (and feel a little guilty doing so,) but haven’t registered for any.
We had a wonderful marriage and nobody will ever take my wife’s place. I guess I still have
some life left in me though and I’m healthy. What do you think I should do?
Of course, nobody can take your wife’s place and it’s normal to feel a bit disloyal when you
consider opening yourself up to a new relationship. However, think of it this way. If your wife
had been left behind as a widow, wouldn’t you want her to make the most of the remaining years
of her life and find happiness where possible? You also deserve the same consideration from
yourself. The fact that you miss having a companion can be viewed as a compliment to your
wife’s memory!
As a man, the good news is that the odds of finding another woman to share your life with are
quite good. There are many more available women than men. The tricky part will be connecting
with the right one. If you’re hesitant about taking your search online, have you thought about
telling your friends that you are interested in dating? Perhaps they know someone and are just
waiting for your cues to make an introduction. Also, look around community groups and
organizations that interest you for women who enjoy the same activities.
However, if you’d rather meet someone in a more private manner or just have difficulty in
making that first move, online dating services are a great invention. These services have caught
on to the trend that savvy, vibrant and single seniors are looking for love and friendship too.
You’ll have lots of company and more choices than you can imagine. These services provide a
relatively inexpensive way of capturing a snapshot of more than a person’s mere physical
appearance. Their profile will also provide a glimpse of their interests and personality in a
convenient form. Even the manner in which that the profile has been prepared is telling. If it is
prepared with care and infused with personality, the writer of the profile will probably reflect
those same qualities in person. And much of the awkwardness of first dates may be eased by
knowing something of your prospect in advance. By the time you actually meet, you’ll have
exchanged e-mails and know something of the person instead of starting out cold.
A few caveats are worth mentioning, but they shouldn’t scare you away. When choosing a
service, you might want to consider one that charges a membership fee. These do provides some
screening and may be a bit safer for that reason. Still, make sure you check the site out
thoroughly prior to joining and be sure that you understand all the dues and rules. Be aware that
some services include an automatic renewal which will be charged on the credit card that you
provide. Acquaint yourself with the cancellation policy so that you have no unpleasant surprises
should you decide to withdraw from the service.
Also, be forewarned that while presenting yourself in your best light is recommended, some
folks cross the line into fantasy land by using photographs taken a number of years and pounds
ago. This misrepresentation can also extend to personal information written in a profile.
Certainly, this is not the norm, but being prepared for this can reduce disappointment down the
road. When you do meet an interesting woman, take it slow. Just as when you meet any stranger,
be cautious, but not paranoid, until you get to know them better.
As for your own profile, take time to prepare it carefully and select a realistic, recent head-andshoulder shot that is well-lit, clear and shows you off for your best. If you’re unsure of what to
write, peruse the profiles of others to get some ideas. Be yourself, be upbeat, and be honest.
Work on a couple of different drafts till you are satisfied and, if possible, check it out with a
friend or family member for input before submitting it to a service.
There are a number of dating services around and some that specialize in senior dating. Use a
search engine on your computer and see what comes up. Some of the more well-known services
are Match.com and eHarmony.com. However, there are many choices, so do your homework.
The best one for you is an individual choice and choosing well will increase your chances of
success. While I cannot recommend any particular dating service, check out eDatereview.com
for some comparisons and reviews about various sites.
One of the best predictors of happiness in a future relationship is a past, successful marriage.
You’ve got that going for you so I say go right ahead and sign up—-after you check everything
out first, of course. Be careful, be safe, but have fun. You deserve it!
It’s Complicated
In the last year or so, I’ve gone through a tumultuous time of change and loss. I’m now faced
with some important decisions about how I’m going to live the rest of my life. It’s complicated,
but the gist of it is that I can’t put off these decisions any longer. However, I’m stuck and
undecided. I’ve sought advice from my friends, my pastor and a psychologist. It’s crazy but I’ve
even gone to a psychic! Much of the advice has been conflicting which just confuses me more.
How can I decide whose advice is best and how do I know what is right for me?
Although this is a very general question, let me take a crack at it. First, I am sorry for your loss
and know that indecision is a painful place to be. And while seeking professional assistance is
often helpful, particularly for complex issues, it, indeed, can be confusing and sometimes even
misguided. Practitioners in any field vary greatly in their worldview, education, approach,
professionalism and simply in their talent. Beware of swallowing lock, stock, and barrel any
advice given by anyone. Remember: You are the only expert on yourself and your situation.
When I studied to be a professional counselor, I learned with dismay that the answers to every
client’s problems were not going to be found in a book or in a class. In fact, as a therapist, I
realized that the most important skill to acquire was the ability to help my client discover his or
her own truths. You must look within yourself for the answers to what is right for you rather than
relying on any expert who, at best, can only guide you.
Sounds like a scary thought, huh? It’s not as difficult as you think, so keep reading. You’ve
already done much of the hard work! You’ve consulted with a variety of “helpers,” which I hope
have assisted you to clarify the issues. And you’ve gotten some feedback on, perhaps, aspects of
the problems that you had not considered. You’ve probably come up with several courses of
action and have considered the pros and cons of each. These are some of the challenges that
professional consultants should assist you in accomplishing. Their job is not to tell you what to
do; if they’ve done that, run!
Reflect upon the advice you’ve heard. Has it been aimed to help you hear your own voice? If the
advice has been respectful, knowledgeable, thought-provoking and on a level that is easily
understood, you’ve been in good hands. However, if the guidance has been overbearing, bossy,
preachy or superior, watch out. Do you feel like the advice-giver has listened and understood
you? Or have you felt discounted, dismissed, or as if the person you are consulting has jumped to
conclusions without hearing the whole story? You’ve received a lot of information. Use these
observations as guides for discerning what advice has merit.
You’re making progress! Now, another word of caution: In times of turmoil, simplify. And a
good rule of thumb is to avoid making major life-altering decisions for about a year after any
significant loss. You need that time to stabilize and heal. If that’s impossible or you’ve already
allowed this time to pass, give yourself a little more breathing room by eliminating any needless
demands and distractions. Solitude and space are necessary for you to go within and hear your
own voice.
If you have little privacy at home and can afford it, consider checking yourself into a bed and
breakfast where you can rest and focus just upon the decision at hand. Give yourself the luxury
of time and space to make the wisest decision possible. Avoid taking along temptations like the
latest best-selling murder mystery, but do take along a blank notebook. Not a writer? That’s OK.
Take it along anyhow. This is for your eyes only and you don’t have to worry about grammar or
creating a work of literary art.
Free writing is one of the best ways to get in touch with your own inner wisdom and to learn
what you truly think about an issue. Try a kind of “morning pages” routine that author Julie
Cameron suggests in “The Artist’s Way,” a book that is as much about authentic living as it is
about creativity. Morning pages are three pages of hand-written stream of consciousness thought
preferably done every morning shortly after waking. For example, just start writing whatever
comes to mind: “Another morning. I’m tired and don’t want to get up. I don’t know what to do
about____. Maybe I could_____. Have to go to the grocery store, etc.” Keep the pen moving and
don’t censor yourself. Why three pages? It may take a couple of pages of complaining and letting
go before you zero in on something significant. And while it may seem easier to type these
pages, Cameron and other proponents of free writing believe that the physical act of handwriting
taps more deeply into our unconscious where wisdom and creative thought are stored.
When you are not writing in your journal, take walks, read something inspirational, pray or listen
to music. Record your dreams. They can be quite revealing. Be still, be patient and look inside
instead of looking outside of yourself. You’ve already done that and have all the information you
need. Now is the time to connect to your own best counselor and expert — that would be you!
And I bet you’ll find your answers—they’ve been there all along waiting for you.
Our Un-Anniversary
Our 25th wedding anniversary is next month. We should be celebrating but, to be truthful, we’re
going through a rough patch in our marriage. It feels like a lie to celebrate and it will be hard
enough to even find a greeting card. I feel like skipping the whole thing. How do couples in
trouble handle anniversaries, especially those important ones?
While I understand your desire for an “Un-anniversary,” try reframing the idea of a celebration
to an acknowledgement of a life lived together. Consider that at the very least, you’ve invested
many years into this marriage. Even though you feel quite negative now, you’ve gone through a
lot of things together—some challenging periods but some good times too. Resist the urge to
indulge in black or white thinking. Nobody is all good or bad and neither is a marriage.
To ignore the day that you wed could be a huge mistake at this critical time of raw and
vulnerable feelings. Instead of a typical anniversary card, buy a blank card and make a list of five
positive memories or five things that you appreciate about your spouse. As far as a gift goes, one
of the best marriage counseling interventions that I’ve used is to give unhappy couples the
assignment of buying an inexpensive, but thoughtful gift for each other. It’s surprising how walls
often break down in the presence of thoughtfulness and consideration.
Initiate a frank talk with your spouse about the upcoming anniversary and your desire to keep it
low key but as positive as possible. Decide together how to acknowledge this important
milestone. Consider giving yourselves some marriage counseling or the gift of a weekend
marriage workshop to ease out some rough spots. Check out the Web site:
www.smartmarriages.com for some great suggestions. And hang in there, you’ve got a lot
invested!
Dating Etiquette
It’s my kid’s fault! How good it feels to say that because parents always get blamed for
everything, don’t they? I’ve been a widower for a long time and my daughters finally talked me
into signing up for a senior dating service. As a result, I’ve been in contact with a couple of
ladies and it’s progressed to the point where we are planning to meet. Now, I’m panicked. It’s
been decades since I’ve dated! I don’t know whether to thank my daughters or blame them for
my predicament. How do I make a good first impression?
By all means, thank your daughters for caring enough to encourage you to expand your social
life. Obviously, they love you and think you have much to offer someone special. Their
generosity in being open to their father dating is commendable!
The elements that go into making a good first impression are timeless and have not changed
since your dating days. When we focus on having fun, staying relaxed and showing interest in
others, we’re on the mark. Sounds familiar? But let’s break it down a bit just to set your mind at
ease:
 What do I wear? No need to invest in a new wardrobe or overdress, but take care to present
yourself in a pleasing manner. For guys, shoot for classic and neat. No baggy T-shirts
emblazoned with tacky slogans! Instead, choose well-pressed khakis, nice jeans, or casual slacks.
Pair these with tailored shirts and/or sweaters for a stylish and simple look. Ladies, the same
advice to stay classic and neutral is a good bet. Avoid too tight or too revealing clothing. Jazz
things up with fun accessories to show your style. On a first date, think safe rather than flashy.
How do I act? Put this in perspective. It’s only a date and not an interview for your future life
companion! Relax and breathe. Your goal is to have an enjoyable evening and to get to know this
person a bit better. You’ve already exchanged some information which will help the
conversation flow. Focus on your date and what you may have in common. The upside is that
when you become interested in the other person, your natural self-consciousness disappears.
People love to talk about themselves so listen more and talk less. Ask upbeat questions centered
on topics such as hobbies, interests, favorite books or movies. This is not the time to get into
family dysfunction and drama.
 What next? Since this is a first date, keep your expectations in line with that. Avoid any rush
toward physical intimacy which may be an immediate turnoff. Take your cues from your date. Is
there a natural connection, a feeling of warmth and camaraderie? Trust your intuition. You will
be able to pick up on those subtle cues if you pay attention. Does he or she lean toward you?
Touch you casually on your arm? Laugh easily? Is there that spark between you? Again, err on
the side of less is more. You can’t go wrong with a kiss on the cheek. If you’ve enjoyed the
evening, say so and indicate that you’d like to see her again. If it doesn’t feel like a match,
simply thank her for the evening. Above all, treat your date with kindness and respect.
The times may have changed but class and good manners never go out of style. Making a good
impression is as simple as these few steps. Dating can add a zip to your life and is an adventure.
Take the plunge and enjoy!
Is It Just “the Blues”?
Some of my family members have told me that I seem depressed. I say that I just have the blues.
What’s the difference?
Unlike a simple case of “the blues,” which can be looked at as a limited and even normal
response to a stressful life situation that passes of its own accord, depression is a serious medical
illness. This disorder negatively affects the body as well as the mind and can alter one’s
functioning on multiple levels. Depression colors your entire world, may endure for years if
untreated, and can be life-threatening.
What concerns me about your question is not a matter of words used to define a condition. More
importantly, it is the fact that a number of people close to you are giving you feedback reflecting
their concern about your mood and deportment. Please pay attention to their observations. Often,
we cannot be objective about ourselves, particularly when we get pulled into a negative spiral of
thoughts, emotions and behavior.
A qualified professional can help you determine if you are merely experiencing a temporary case
of the blues or if you are suffering from clinical depression. Seek out a physician, mental health
professional or clergy member. Tell them of your family’s concerns and request a “depression
screening.” It only takes a short time to complete and will provide you with the answers you
need.
Depression is a real medical illness and not a sign of personal weakness or something you can
will yourself to overcome. If you are diagnosed with depression, there is no need to suffer.
Treatment is effective in most cases and most likely will include counseling and possibly
medication. Please do not delay seeking help: Your life and your health may depend upon you
taking action.
Long-distance Grandparenting
I just finished Skyping with my three-year-old grandson and could cry. My son and his family
live in Germany and I rarely see them. Skyping should make me feel better, I guess. But it’s just a
teaser. I can see them but not be with them. How can I be part of my grandson’s life when he is
so far away?
Grandparenting isn’t like it used to be. Grandma and Grandpa most likely don’t live next door,
ready to give hugs and share Sunday suppers. When we gave our children wings, we also gave
them license to fly anywhere. Now, so many of us realize that they have done just that. And
worse yet, they’ve taken our grandchildren!
Take heart. You can build a close relationship with your grandson even though you have little
time together. It will take extra effort, but will be worth it. The grandparent bond is important in
providing memories that nurture these loved ones long after we are gone. Use these ideas to
build connections:
· Repeat, repeat, repeat. Children love to do things again and again. Do you remember reading
and re-reading your son’s favorite book to him, probably to the point that you wanted to scream?
It’s the same with your grandson. Choose a silly ritual, pet name or special song that belongs to
the two of you—and then play it up. For example, my granddaughter, Daisy, knows that we
practice yoga together. It’s not like any yoga you’d recognize! I give our poses crazy names and
we end up twisted together on the floor laughing our heads off. In between our visits, she recalls
this and looks forward to doing it again. Even though she is young, she associates yoga with me
and more importantly, remembers the special time we share.
· Single them out. Make it a point when you are with them to spend time with each grandchild
alone. Particularly for a child with siblings, one-on-one time counts. It may be more practical to
function as a group, but the focus on just one grandchild will help him or her feel special and
worthy. They too, will be focused on you, rather than a sibling or cousin. Even a quick trip to the
nearby library can be festive. Bring a monogrammed book bag or bookmark and spend choosing
a book that reflects his interests of the moment. Stop for ice cream afterwards.
· Pass it on. Have you noticed how much kids love stories, particularly ones about their birth or
about their own parents? At bedtime, after we read books together, I tell Daisy stories about her
daddy or about her Great-Great-Aunt Daisy who used to do the same thing with me when I was
small. Someday, I trust that my granddaughter will remember my stories and tell them to her
own grandchildren. Such passing on of family lore gives us a precious glimpse of immortality.
· Keep in touch. Even though you are miles apart, foster regular contact. Send post cards, small
packages, talk on the phone and Skype. Yes, such video calls can leave you wanting more.
Instead of focusing on the negative, turn it around. View this as evidence of the love you feel for
your grandson and be grateful for another way that you may reach him. The upside is that
Skyping will help your grandson recognize you. Thinking on how difficult it must have been for
wagon train families who left their loved ones behind, perhaps forever, never fails to stop my
own self-pity in its tracks. Thank goodness for technology!
· Make it count. When you visit, make it count but don’t turn the trip into a monstrosity where
everything is orchestrated and has to be perfect. Balance! Strive for relaxed, fun, and above all,
be flexible. Leave behind regrets over the limited time and stay in the present by practicing
patience, acceptance and gratitude. Connect through ritual and repetition, one-on-one time and
the passing on of stories and love. Plan a memorable outing or two but, more importantly, spend
time together on a craft, hobby or game that is yours alone. Need some ideas? Just remember
what you loved to do as a kid.
Grandparenting is a joy and we baby boomers and beyond bring to this life stage the same
intensity, focus and desire we applied to earlier developmental milestones. We know how we
think it should be and how we want it to be. Yet, this journey is not ours alone. We raised our
children and now it is their turn to make choices that effect our proximity to our grandchildren.
We can fight it, bemoan it or we can embrace our opportunities. Make no mistake, those
opportunities are still there! We may have to look harder, adapt to new technologies and employ
advance planning, but it is still possible to be an involved grandparent who provides an
invaluable source of security, enrichment and love that will last a lifetime.
Caught betwixt and between
This is kind of a reverse mother-in-law question since mother-in-laws are always getting a bad
rap for interfering and being critical of their daughter’s husband. In our case, the opposite is
true. My daughter is unhappy in her marriage and it is driving me crazy. I love my son-in-law
and we get along super well. “Steven” is a loving, loyal and caring husband and father and he’s
got a killer sense of humor to boot. What he doesn’t have, according to my daughter, is enough
ambition. In my opinion, she has a major case of the wants, as in I want this and I want that.
Steven has a decent job, but I agree that he probably won’t set the world on fire financially. It
doesn’t seem important to him to have the latest toys. My daughter complains to me and then
gets angry when I defend him. I am worried sick about their marriage, hate to see them both
unhappy, and just wish they’d find some other friends in their own income bracket. All of her
friends married well and have money to burn. What should I say to her to make her come to her
senses and count her blessings?
It sounds to me as if she isn’t open to hearing many of Steven’s positives and, as difficult as it is
to accept, it’s not your job to make her do anything. As parents of grown children, we think that
we know what is best for them, wish to impart the benefit of our own wisdom and experiences,
and spare them the pain of sometimes learning things the hard way. If you think back on it and
be honest, there were many things that we had to learn just that way ourselves. Let’s not rob our
children of the opportunity to build strength and character through trying times and hard work.
That you get along well with your son-in-law is a gigantic plus. I congratulate you on
successfully navigating this often difficult “appendage relationship,” explained in Stop the
Screaming (Palgrave Macmillan, 2009) by psychologist and author, Carl Pickhardt, as a situation
in which two people who don’t necessarily love each other are thrown together to form a new
affiliation. In-law relationships are perfect examples of these appendage relationships and often
can be troublesome. Your closeness to your son-in-law speaks well of you both.
However, remember that your daughter has a completely different relationship with Steven than
you do. Her expectations are greater, the stakes are higher and the inside landscape of their
marriage may be far different than what you view as a concerned outsider. You, and perhaps
even she, may be unaware of another factor contributing to the discord.
Seek to listen to, but not solve, and never to take sides in, your daughter’s complaints. A calm,
concerned, supportive voice can plant some seeds for growth with subtlety which is often more
accepted and helpful than a heavy-handed, take-charge commando who swoops in to save the
day. Make some gentle observations and pose any suggestions as just that—suggestions.
The best gift that any of us can give to our grown and married offspring is steady encouragement
of their husband-and–wife relationships. It’s not our job to approve or disapprove, but rather to
trust that they will figure it out. If the situation continues to deteriorate, urge them to seek
counseling with a qualified marriage counselor or pastor.
Stay positive, stay grounded and stay connected to both of them. That’s the best way to help your
daughter—and to keep your peace of mind too.
Heartbroken at diagnosis
My heart is broken for my granddaughter. At age 14, she’s been diagnosed as bipolar. I didn’t
even know that it was possible for a child so young to have bipolar disorder and I question if that
is the right diagnosis. She’s always been difficult for her parents, but she was a sweet and
loveable child. In the past two years, her behavior changed and she sometimes doesn’t even
seem like the same kid. Now, they have her on all kinds of drugs and she just seems flat and
hopeless to me. Can this be the right treatment for her? I think the drugs are making her worse.
You raise some difficult questions. Formerly known as manic-depression, bipolar disorder has
been identified in every age group, including preschoolers. It can be challenging to diagnose,
partly because it affects each child differently. The symptoms may emerge suddenly or have a
more gradual onset and include periods of extreme swings in mood, energy, thought and
behavior.
Because of the wide variety of symptoms, bipolar disorder is sometimes confused with other
psychiatric illnesses, including depression, attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD) and drug
or alcohol dependence. To confuse matters more, within the broad category of bipolar disorder,
there are subcategories with varying prognoses and treatment protocols. This disorder is also
often accompanied (or co-morbid) with other psychiatric problems such as those mentioned
above. Altogether, it is a confusing and complex issue to confront.
Whenever a child or teen displays significantly disturbed behavior, obtaining an accurate
diagnosis is crucial. If her parents have not already done so, I recommend consulting a
psychiatrist familiar with pediatric bipolar disorder. Her primary care physician should be able to
make a referral to an appropriate and well-trained professional. We are fortunate to live in an
area with access to excellent medical care. This is the time to take advantage of that.
How can a grandparent help? First, begin compiling a brief family history, noting any family
members who have suffered with a psychiatric disorder or had a history of suicide attempts,
reckless behavior, multiple and unstable relationships or drug and alcohol abuse. This will be
helpful in making an accurate diagnosis. Also, encourage your granddaughter’s parents to
maintain excellent records of medications and responses, your granddaughter’s moods and
behaviors and professional consultations.
Become informed and educated. Research the Web site www.bpkids/org for some excellent
suggestions. Your granddaughter and her family are going to need lots of support and love. If she
has siblings, pick up the slack and spend some time with them also. They, too, will need
attention. As for your granddaughter, continue to love her as she is. However, child-proof your
home by removing or locking up any medications, alcohol and firearms. This is non-negotiable.
Bipolar disorder is a serious illness and, if it is an accurate diagnosis, there will be considerable
challenges ahead. At present, there is no cure. However, research continues and treatment
improves. It is certainly not a hopeless situation but early intervention is important. Medication is
necessary and an accurate diagnosis and competent follow-up will ensure that it is the correct
approach. Be strong and supportive and assist your granddaughter to achieve the highest level of
wellness possible, knowing that there will be gifts, as well as difficulties, in the journey.
Family Relationship Stress
Several years ago, I relocated to be close to my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
Because he is my only child and I was widowed when he was young, my son and I have always
been close. But now it seems that I do nothing right. He acts impatient and critical with me
whenever he sees me, which are increasingly rare occurrences. I understand that he has a family
of his own, but I am incredibly hurt by his behavior. My attempts to talk to him about this have
been unsuccessful.
Let me first empathize with you about these difficult circumstances and then give you some
questions to ponder. Your responses may help you to more fully understand what is happening
and to move toward a closer relationship with your son and his family.
No matter what the root cause of this rift, the result is one of pain and rejection for you, and
perhaps for him as well. Particularly because you were close at one time, the loss of this bond
cuts deeply. Above all, be gentle in accepting the feelings of grief that arise from this loss. A
family rift can be just as devastating as a death. If, at any time, you feel unable to cope with your
negative emotions, please see a therapist or physician immediately.
Answer these questions with honesty, but without self-judgment. They are designed to help you
find solutions rather than to determine fault.
 Was there an identifiable point that instigated this change in your relationship? What was
happening when it began? Try to identify what led up to this distance between you. The answer
may provide clues to its resolution. If there was a provoking incident, do what you can to clarify
misunderstandings and make appropriate amends.
 How is your relationship with your daughter-in-law and granddaughter? Remember that
your son now comes as a package deal. If there is tension between you and your daughter-in-law,
you must address it in order to mend this rift with your son. Include your son’s family when you
issue invitations and focus on building warm and respectful individual relationships with both
your daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
 What else is going on? Consider that your son may be taking other stresses out on you. Yes,
that is unfair, but all of us are sometimes guilty of imposing our unpleasant moods on those we
love the most. Perhaps his work is not going well, his finances are troubling or there are
problems in his marriage. This is not a pass for bad behavior, but understanding these possible
contributors may allow you to avoid taking his slights as personally.
 What are your other sources of support and entertainment? Since you are new to the area,
join a group, church or volunteer organization and develop a life for yourself with an array of
friends and activities. Possibly, your son’s irritability is influenced by feeling responsible for
your well-being and happiness. When your son sees you busy and involved with your own life,
rather than being dependent upon him for sole support, he may feel relieved of a burden that
even he is unaware of feeling.
 How can you communicate your concerns? After you have addressed any of the above issues,
take another look at your relationship. If necessary, consider again talking to him about this rift
or writing him a letter with your concerns. Keep a positive focus on the future rather than
rehashing what has already transpired. It’s not easy, I know! If you plan a discussion, practice
what you are going to say first. If you are writing a letter, do several drafts and review them
carefully prior to sending them.
Finally, let me suggest a terrific book that all families could benefit from by reading. Healing
from Family Rifts by Mark Sichel is filled with wisdom, empathy and sound suggestions to help
keep all of our family relationships humming along more smoothly. Although its intended
audience is those among us who have been cut off from a family member, this uplifting book
will help anyone foster more rewarding and satisfying relationships with their loved ones.
Broken down into 10 practical steps, the book includes real-life success stories, effective
communication guidelines and even tips for developing that full life outside of your family ties.
It is available at local bookstores, Amazon and many libraries. Check it out.
Holiday Conundrums
I am going to have a full house again this Christmas — children, grandchildren and even inlaws. Last year nearly killed me! Besides running away, how do I make this holiday easier?
Be honest and announce that while you love hosting Christmas, you need some help so you can
enjoy the holiday too. Next, plan and delegate with an eye to group participation. If anyone lives
nearby, let them take over Christmas Eve or Christmas Day festivities. If they are all out-oftowners, ask volunteers to sign up for a meal or for at least one course like dessert. Last year, my
younger son and his wife happily planned and prepared Christmas Eve dinner. My oldest son and
his wife delighted us with appetizers and dessert on Christmas Day. My husband and I managed
Christmas morning brunch and our main course for dinner while my daughter-in-law’s mother
served up side dishes that were traditional in their family. I collected all the recipes in advance
and provided the groceries since everyone was arriving by plane. Of course, this plan requires
that you let go of control and maybe lower your standards for hosting a Martha Stewart-worthy
holiday. The kitchen seemed chaotic at times, but everyone contributed and loved the spirited
fun. Best of all, there was not a Grinch in sight!
Our children are married adults, each with a healthy double income. In the past, we’ve given
generous holiday gifts, but we’re now retired. How can we cut back?
Speak up about it, but please do it now and not the week before the holiday. Explain your
situation and suggest that you either draw names for a gift exchange or limit buying gifts to those
for children. Your busy family members might be relieved to simplify their shopping too. If you
decide to continue with an adult exchange, consider passing on heirloom pieces that you are
ready to part with, like your grandmother’s linen napkins or the pearls you never wear. These
treasured items make a meaningful gift and will keep your expenses low. Finally, an
“experience” gift is a great way to cut back on holiday shopping. A promised weekend of
babysitting is always a welcome gift to young parents. Another idea is a joint gift for the entire
family — a family portrait or a weekend at a mountain cabin next spring. In the long run, you’ll
save money and create memories too.
I am a widow with a new friend I’d like to include in our family holiday get-togethers. Hugh is
nice–looking, but favors jeans and flannel shirts. My extended family always gets decked out at
Christmas. I feel that I don’t want to be embarrassed and I don’t want him to feel out of place.
How do I tactfully suggest that he spruce up a bit?
Dressing up is not silly. In many families, it is a sign of respect for the occasion, for other guests
and is simply expected. But every family is different and the only way that Hugh will know what
the norm is in your group is for you to tell him. Doing so is thoughtful and considerate. Be direct
but kind. Men like to feel attractive too, so play that up. Pick out a beautiful tie in a color that
matches his eyes. Tell him that you can’t wait to see him in it at your family Christmas gettogether. Then offer to help him put together an outfit that will show him off for the handsome
fellow that he is.
Morphing into a Cartoon Character
My name should be Sponge Barb, kind of like the cartoon character, Sponge Bob. That’s because
I just sponge up everyone’s problems. My husband hates his job but won’t quit because he is
upset about finances. He comes home, dumps his unhappiness on me and then spends the
evening on the computer. He feels better and I worry all night. In the morning, my married
daughter calls me to complain about her life. My father’s health is failing and I get bad news or
complaints from him every day. My siblings can’t get along and vent to me about each other. I
feel so heavy and weighted down by all these problems. My suggestions are never taken! How do
I get these people to leave me alone and take care of their own problems?
Morphing into a sponge and soaking up the problems of those around you is an easy habit to fall
into, but it’s also possible to choose healthier responses. Rather than focus on changing your
family members, let’s talk about what you can change about yourself. You can’t alter anyone’s
behavior but your own, so put your energy there.
First, take a look at what you’re getting out of this situation. Your reward could be that
functioning as a sounding board makes you feel needed or important. Or, perhaps sponging up
these problems is something you believe that you should do based on the female role models you
watched as you grew up. Thus, repeating this pattern now feels like doing your duty and getting
an “A” for effort. Similarly, the carrot that you are chasing may be love and approval from those
around you.
Once you have a handle on what is driving your sponge-like behavior — and it may be a
combination of factors — ask yourself the question popularized by a television psychologist:
How’s that working for you? In other words, are you getting the payoff that you want? Even if
the answer is yes, ask yourself if the payoff is worth the heavy and drained feeling that you
describe. If not, get ready for a change, but be prepared that you may meet with some resistance
and negativity from those who have come to depend on your limitless patience.
Choosing to be supportive and loving, without sacrificing your sanity and time, begins with
having healthy boundaries. These are the limits we set in our interpersonal relationships that
define where your sense of yourself and your concerns stop and another person and their
concerns starts. At their healthiest, boundaries originate from a strong sense of self-worth to
protect us from becoming swamped with the neediness of others. They are clear enough that we
take care of ourselves by not taking on burdens that are not ours but, at the same time, these
healthy limits remain flexible enough to accommodate unexpected and true emergencies when
necessary.
Begin to notice when you feel put-upon and resentful as this may be a red flag that a boundary
needs attention. Examine the circumstances and the motives of the person issuing the complaint.
First, is this an issue that concerns you or that is your responsibility? And is the person
complaining just for the sake of complaining or are they requesting assistance for a problem that
you want to take on?
Let’s consider the situations that you mentioned. Your husband’s concern about finances sounds
like a joint issue that could be addressed together. Are there areas where you both can
economize? Do you need to take on part-time work to help out? Put your heads together and
brainstorm some ideas to reduce your living expenses and his worry. If he refuses, then step back
from soaking up his negativity. Be supportive and encouraging, but position yourself to draw a
firm, but flexible line between his complaints and your peace of mind.
Ask yourself the same questions when confronted with your father’s health issues, your
daughter’s unhappiness or your sibling’s squabbles. What is my responsibility? Can I change
anything about this for the better? Do I want or need to take this problem on as my own? Then,
do what you can and are willing to do. Perhaps you want to investigate some home health care
agencies for your father or intervene by helping him understand his Medicare coverage. Maybe
you could offer to babysit your grandchildren so your daughter can have a day off to recharge.
On the other hand, the squabbles between your siblings sound like a problem best left to them to
address.
Practice a few phrases to express your empathy and concern but that put the problem squarely
back on the person who is ultimately responsible for solving their own problems. Most likely, the
person complaining does not really want or expect you to solve the problem. When you simply
repeat to them what you’ve heard them say along with an expression of understanding, they will
feel heard and validated. For example, say “I’m sorry that you had such a bad day” or “It sounds
as if you’re really struggling with……..” When you add that you trust their ability to handle this
problem, because of their creativity (or cite another one of their strengths), you empower them to
handle their own issues. And that’s the best gift that you can give to anyone.
Then, change the subject or leave the conversation behind as you move on in your own life.
Picture these concerns melting away as you see that imaginary line between their problems and
your responsibilities to yourself. When you take care of YOU by having appropriate boundaries,
you are more able to offer real help, on your terms, when it is needed. It takes practice to set and
maintain healthy boundaries. Keep at it and you’ll develop strength and improved mental health
as a result.
Bucket List Woes
That movie, “The Bucket List”, just bugs me! Seems I keep hearing friends remark about some
activity being an item on their “Bucket List.” When I heard that the name of the movie came
from “Kicking the bucket”, I didn’t care for the title. But I liked the actors and so I went along
with my wife to see it. Wish I had skipped the danged thing because now it’s stuck in my mind
like a splinter that I can’t get out. I don’t think I have a blasted thing on any bucket list and can’t
think of a single thing to put on one either—even if I did want one.
My wife has a list a mile long and that just depresses me. I don’t need a reminder that time is
running out. She thinks I am avoiding reality and have given up. I don’t like to think about all the
things that I’d wish I’d done. Is that crazy? And why do I need to make a list of things I want to
do? Now that I’m retired, if I get up and want to do something, I just do it.
Don’t forget that this movie is entertainment and not an instructional manual on life! Still, I
agree that the premise of the film has served as a thought-provoking tool for many people.
Maybe you’re just getting stuck on the turn of a phrase. Labeling some unfinished and unmet
goals as a bucket list, i.e., something that you must do before you “kick the bucket” can have a
ring of gloominess to it—especially if we have a strong fear of aging and death. And remember
that the main characters in the movie were terminally ill and searching for a way to make their
remaining time meaningful and rich. That’s certainly a worthwhile goal for anyone at any stage
in life.
Ask yourself what is the deeper reason that drives your unsettled feelings about this issue?
Perhaps you have a persistent fear of the future. It sounds as if it also could be some misgivings
about your wife having plenty of goals while you’ve settled for just being in the moment. If
that’s a comfortable place for you to be, that’s fine. If not, take another look at what’s still
possible. Sure, it may be too late to be a professional football star, but you could attend a game
as your favorite team plays on their home turf. Look for ways that you can translate the passions
of your earlier life into realistic activities to enrich your life today.
And since it touches a sensitive spot, just drop the name “The Bucket List.” Instead, concentrate
on some things you’d like to achieve and enjoy this year, this month or even this week. These
need not be momentous or earth-shaking activities, but having something to look forward to puts
more positive emotion into our lives. That’s something we can all use, with or without a list to
guide us!
Letting Go
I’m worried about my daughter. She is a 39-year-old attractive, successful professional who
desperately wants to be married. Although she has had a number of relationships, it seems to me
that she always sabotages them by picking them to death. Now, most of the men her age are
married. The interest that she now attracts comes from men a decade or so older than she is. I
see nothing wrong with that. Maybe what she needs is an “older man.” However, if a man is
more than six years older than she is, or, heaven forbid, has gray hair or is balding, she won’t
give him the time of day. I’ve tried talking to her about this and then we do nothing but argue.
How can I get her to see that she is missing so many opportunities? I just want her to be happy,
but I also think it is time that she settles for something less than the perfect man she has in mind.
While it is true that your daughter is denying herself opportunities to find the happiness she says
she wants, this is not your problem. After you accept that, the rest becomes easier.
I know those words are simple to say but challenging to put into practice. And anyone who has
been a parent can relate. From the perspective of our age, we see the bigger picture and let’s
hope we have accrued enough wisdom to see beyond the superficialities of making general
assumptions based on appearance.
But your daughter’s life is her own journey. She will make her own mistakes and celebrate her
own successes — just as you have done. If you look back over your life, I’m sure you can
identify those moments when you stubbornly held to misguided notions. Imagine if your parents
harped on your choices. Maybe they did! What was your response? You probably dug your heels
in deeper and resented their well-intentioned efforts to enlighten you.
Close your eyes and visualize this issue as a large box sitting on your lap, weighing you down.
Now, picture yourself allowing your hot little fingers to let go of the box. If necessary, pry each
finger away. Set the box aside. Gaze at it longingly if you must. But let it go.
Positive Hands-Off Support
Now, how can you support your daughter? Simply listen to her but avoid problem-solving which
is only going to kick in her defenses. When we let go of trying to solve others’ problems, we
enable ourselves to listen more attentively and express empathy in a manner that empowers them
to work out their own solutions.
If she complains about her single life, try saying something such as “I’m sure it is difficult……”
Fill in that blank with an appropriate observation. Then, voice your confidence in her abilities to
handle this issue by reminding her of one of her strengths or skills. For example, “You’ve always
been so resourceful. I’m sure you will come up with something interesting to do for your
vacation.”
It’s OK to plant an occasional seed of assistance if it is done with subtly. Our children know us
so well that they can often see right through even the most carefully phrased hint. It’s useful to
begin any suggestion with the phrase “I wonder what would happen if…..” Think Detective
Colombo! The key to employing this strategy is to then let it go. Do not engage in any argument
if she discounts your hint. Shrug it off with a smile. You’ve planted the seed. In time, it may take
root, but argument is never a successful fertilizer.
Take the energy you are expending trying to handle your daughter’s issues and invest in your
own life. You’ve raised your daughter and clearly she is a strong and accomplished woman.
Trust her to figure out her own life. Now, go and live yours!
Building Self-Esteem in Grandchildren
I’m the granddad of a great nine-year–old who is an average student and mediocre athlete. He’s
a little like I was at his age. Lately, he seems down on himself and I’d like to build up his selfesteem. Any hints?
Sure, and thanks for asking! Grandparents can play a pivotal role in building positive self-esteem
in their grandchildren. Here are some quick tips:
 Be a positive role model. Show him how you treat yourself with respect and care.
 Laugh with him and laugh at yourself to teach tease tolerance.
 Spend one-on-one time encouraging him to develop his own interests.
 Do use realistic praise for those personality traits, actions and efforts that warrant positive
recognition.
 Don’t overuse and cheapen praise by lavishing shallow words on meaningless or expected
behavior.
 Be affectionate. Hugs, pats on the back, high fives — kids eat ‘em up!
 Encourage exploration and those attempts he makes at trying something new. Praise his effort
and encourage persistence.
 Share your stories of growing up and the challenges that you’ve overcome. You’ll be teaching
and passing down priceless family memories at the same time.
Leisure Lifestyle Clashes
Last year, I retired and mostly enjoy my new life, except for my leisure time with my spouse.
When he comes home from his full-time job, all he wants to do is sit in front of the “boob tube!”
I’m ready to go out and socialize or just take a walk for heaven’s sake! Weekends are no
different. He’s tired and says that since he deals with people all day, he just wants to veg out. I’m
frustrated!
At any stage of life, it is not unusual for spouses to have differing recreational needs and when
one partner retires, this variability may come into sharper focus to cause real conflict. Whenever
understandable differences in temperament, energy, availability and interests becomes the focus
of relationship conflict, power plays, built-up resentment, isolation, alienation and hostility can
rear their ugly heads if not stopped dead in their tracks. How do you halt this negative cascade of
events?
Compromise, my friend, is the name of the game, featuring communication with a capital “C.”
Begin by trying to walk a mile in your spouse’s shoes. Of course, this is the last thing you want
to do when you feel strongly that your position is the right one. However, here’s a question I ask
my clients at times like this: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? If you’re
smart, the answer is the latter. This question always helps me set aside my petty need to be right
and get down to the business of looking for solutions.
Initiate a conversation in which you validate your husband’s need to have a time of respite when
he is home. If he feels understood, he will be more apt to appreciate your own needs. Reach an
understanding of just how much downtime he needs and, likewise, identify how much
socialization keeps you happy. Once you have a better handle on what you both require, you can
devise new ways to meet in the middle.
Discuss how to balance these needs — yours for socialization and activity and his for quiet
relaxation. Perhaps if your husband has an hour of uninterrupted “vegging time” when he comes
home, he may recharge enough to then be more active. Similarly, you may realize that
socializing every minute of the weekend is unnecessary. Instead, you may find that meeting
friends for dinner one evening or joining another couple for a hike on Saturday morning is
sufficient.
Is it possible that the activities you suggest are part of the problem? Maybe he has no wish to
learn ballroom dancing, but could get excited about the idea of kayaking. Make a list of what you
each enjoy and again, look for the middle ground. Keep an open mind. If you each try something
new, you might find a fresh and interesting mutual hobby that you’ve never considered.
In addition, take a closer look at how you structure your time now that you’ve retired. If you
mostly engage in solitary activities or, worse yet, wait for your partner to come home and
entertain you, it’s time to amp up your own life. Identify your passions, set some goals and go
after what brings you fulfillment. When you remain active and engaged while your spouse
works, you may need less socializing than you think. Also, talk with your husband about
reducing his work hours and responsibilities. Perhaps he can find ways to cut back so he is not as
spent after work.
Reframe your interpretation of his retiring nature and ask him to take another look at your desire
to be social. Remember, those very qualities that now bother you about each other were likely
the same ones that attracted you in the first place. Really? Yes, it is true that opposites do attract.
If you were always the social butterfly and he was more retiring, it is a good bet that your
outgoing nature attracted him. In a similar manner, you probably found his reserve to be steady
and stabilizing. Every trait has its flip side — look for the positives.
Finally, if these tips do not inspire your husband to part with the television remote, consider
professional help. Start with a good physical examination to rule out a medical explanation for
his lassitude. Fatigue and inertia are symptoms of a number of disorders, including heart disease
and depression. If everything checks out, but this conflict continues, consult a qualified
counselor to help you work out this important aspect of your relationship. The right practitioner
can greatly assist you to restore a climate of cooperation and appreciation.
Retirement presents some challenges for us to navigate and negotiate. Since a happy home life
and harmonious relationship add both to the length and quality of our lives, temper your
frustration, start communicating and find compromise. Search for that middle ground, it’s a great
place to hang out!
He wants; She wants
I’ve been a widower for several years and have developed a romantic relationship with a
wonderful divorced woman. I get along well with her grown children and grandchildren too. As
a couple, we’ve traveled together and clearly enjoy each other’s company—in all ways. We have
a great relationship and I’m ready to move it to the next level and get married, or at least move
in together. Whenever I bring it up, she hedges and puts me off with lame jokes. It’s beginning to
be the only thing that we do argue about. Frankly, I don’t enjoy living alone and want the
companionship. I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time and should look elsewhere or persevere in
trying to win her over.
Hmmmmm. You don’t say how long this relationship has been going on, which could be a factor
in your friend’s hesitation. If this is a relatively new relationship, her caution may be simply
wisdom born of experience and age. While keeping that in mind, let’s take a closer look at the
issues.
When we were younger, one of the purposes of marriage was to establish a framework for
having and raising children. Ideally, we combine our physical, financial, and emotional resources
with our partner to give our child the best chance of a good life. While that isn’t the norm in
many American families today, it is still the best scenario whenever possible. Among the other
reasons that younger couples may choose to marry are financial concerns and expectations from
family and society.
You are in a new life stage now and those purposes no longer carry as much weight. Instead of
moving lock-step towards marriage, older couples are negotiating and often renegotiating the ties
that bind them. Your lady friend may have a number of reasons for her hesitation. She may not
need financial support, may enjoy her newfound freedom, or may have other misgivings that she
has not yet shared with you.
In order to make a decision about the future, you need a frank and open discussion about this
issue. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and begin with something positive, such as
citing how much you value your relationship. Be clear that your purpose is to have a serious talk
so that you may understand her views about your future as a couple. Make it your mission to
understand rather than to persuade her to your point of view. At a later time, you can make your
case, but pushing that now will only lead to defensiveness. This is the time to gather information.
If she cracks jokes, remind her that this is serious to you and bring the conversation back to the
matter at hand.
Once you have your answers about her reluctance, you can reevaluate the situation. Perhaps her
reply exposed an issue that can readily be solved so that you can move toward greater
commitment. On the other hand, she may be adamant that she desires no further attachment and
seeks only intermittent companionship for social events.
Is that a deal-breaker? Only you can answer that for yourself. If your desire for live-in
companionship and commitment are paramount and her resistance is unshakeable, then it may be
time to seek other relationships. But first, you need answers and then you owe it to yourself and
to her to be candid about your own intentions. If she continues to stonewall and refuses to
discuss the matter, it will be a major clue that this relationship is probably not going to go the
distance.
Remember there are many types of relationships that can meet our needs. Some couples, at this
stage of life, are content to live separately with parts of their lives overlapping to varying
degrees. These couples value their time apart as much as they value their time together. They
report that it keeps the excitement and interest fresh and reduces conflict. Others need the
stability and comfort of steady companionship and commitment. And the needs of partners may
change over time, perhaps enjoying independence today and moving toward interdependence at a
later point requiring further negotiation.
It’s interesting to note that older men are more apt to prefer permanent arrangements, while
women of the same age tend to guard and cherish their independent lives. Typically, women
have cultivated deep and meaningful friendships which meet many of their social and emotional
needs. In contrast, men suffer from more loneliness and are more likely to seek to replace their
absent partners. As a man, consider building up adjunct relationships with friends and family to
buffer you against isolation and dependence upon a partner to meet all of those needs.
Your future with your friend is a call you must make together, with eyes, ears and hearts open,
and only honest intentions upon your lips. With that in mind, you can settle upon a relationship
that will enable you to enjoy this time of life without guilt and demands.
Who’s in charge?
I babysit my 4-year-old grandson at my home two afternoons a week while my daughter works. I
love the time with him. But lately, my daughter and I are arguing about how to discipline him.
She seems to change her mind daily about what’s OK and what’s off limits and I don’t know
what to expect anymore. I don’t always agree with her views either and tend to be easier on him
than she likes. How can we get past this?
How generous of you to volunteer your time, energy and love to babysit your grandson. I hope
your daughter realizes what a blessing it is to have a supportive grandmother in the picture.
Lucky mom, lucky little boy and lucky grandma too—these are precious moments for all of you.
However, conflict over rules and discipline is a common problem between grandparents and their
adult children, particularly when babysitting is provided by the older generation. Let me be clear:
The last thing you want to do is to undermine the parental authority of your daughter. Doing so
can create a huge rift that may never fully heal.
Remember your own parenting years. It’s tough to hit that balance between being too
authoritarian and too permissive. Your daughter is pretty new at this, so cut her some slack but
look for opportunities to gently slip in helpful hints. Your job is to support her to be the best
parent she can possibly become. And remember, she is the ultimate authority when it comes to
your grandson. Sometimes, it’s difficult for us grandmothers to let go of those reins.
Whenever there is conflict, communication is key. In private, i.e., no children present, initiate a
conversation with your daughter. If children overhear you arguing about these issues, it
undermines a parent’s authority and makes your daughter’s job more difficult. It also leads
children to believe there are one set of rules for home and another set for grandma’s house. Be as
consistent as possible!
Begin by affirming your daughter as a parent and noting some of the positive parenting skills she
practices with your grandson. Then, move on to asking her about rules and restrictions and how
she would like discipline handled. Get clear on all specifics to reduce potential
misunderstandings.
If you disagree on certain points, negotiate. Although she is the authority, you are not powerless
and have the right to decide what is OK and what is off-limits in your own home. Bend where
you can, choose your points of standing firm, ask instead of tell and practice the art of gentle
suggestion. For example, if your daughter says a timeout of 30 minutes is mandatory for bad
behavior and you believe that to be too harsh, ask if it would be OK if you tried 15 minutes
instead to see how it works.
After you agree, sit down as a united front with your grandson while his mom spells out the
rules. This reinforces to him that his mother is to be respected and that you support her as the
boss. It also cuts off that nasty, but natural little tendency of children trying to pit one authority
figure against another. Don’t even think about letting that start!
When you approach these issues as a problem-solving venture with you and your daughter as
team members rather than adversaries, you dramatically change the tone of the conflict and
increase your chances for a positive outcome. If there are irreconcilable differences though, you
must agree to disagree while acknowledging your daughter’s authority (provided, of course, that
abuse is not an issue). In this case, your daughter must find other day care options and it is time
for you to bow out as a babysitter. Let’s hope that won’t be necessary because these tips help you
and your daughter establish a comfortable and well-defined agreement in the discipline
department.
When to Retire
How does somebody know when to retire? Professionally, I’ve achieved success. There are
probably promotions I could still chase, but realistically, I don’t think they are in the cards
anymore. I’m OK with that and continue to enjoy the challenge of my profession.
When to retire is a highly personal decision and you should address factors such as your
finances, health and fitness levels, and personal goals for the next stage of life. If you are in a
financial position to retire and have no physical limitations that limit your ability to work, the
deciding factor then rests upon quality of life issues.
The nature of your question offers some clues worth noting. Because you are beginning to
question your ability to stay “at the top of your game” or continue your level of interest and
commitment, it sounds as if a transition is coming. Such a transition ushers in concerns that may
be bookended by two opposing forces: 1). the fear of holding on too long to “what is” and 2).
anxiety about what the future holds.
Let’s take a separate look at these two aspects. Your anxiety about holding on too long suggests
concern about developing an age-related decline in your ability to continue as a productive and
contributing employee. Most of us know co-workers who have stayed on past their prime and we
want to avoid being a self-made victim of that same pitfall. However, age doesn’t mean that
we’re relegated to being deadwood. Today’s mature workers bring much to the table in terms of
experience, training, work ethic and people skills that enable us to function at a high level of
expertise.
So, how do you know if you have what it takes to remain productive? With no hard-and-fast
rules for retirement, listen closely to your own intuition and weigh the feedback you receive from
others. Consider these questions:
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Do I have the physical energy for my job?
What is my level of enthusiasm? Do I wake up most days eager to go to work?
Am I biding my time until retirement or am I looking forward to new challenges?
Am I flexible about learning new technology or procedures?
What do my job performance reviews reveal about my performance?
Can someone else (boss, co-worker, human resource manager) give me additional
feedback about my abilities?
When you enjoy what you do for a living, giving up those daily interactions with your coworkers and the strokes for having done a job well is difficult. Your age, by itself, is no reason to
give it up. Again though, the fact that you’re posing these questions suggests your satisfaction
with the status quo has begun to wane—at least a little bit. Pay attention to that.
Sometimes, what holds us back from making a decision to retire is the fear of the future. This
opposing concern can keep us stuck right in the middle of a transition. What should you do?
Make a plan! Research indicates that people who fare the best at maintaining a high level of
satisfaction and well-being after retirement are those who plan carefully for this stage of life. Of
course, the best time to do that is while you are still employed, so get to it!
Begin by daydreaming about what you want your life to look post-retirement. If that brings up a
blank or strikes fear into your well-employed heart, read one of the great books about retirement
to jump-start your imagination. Ernie J. Zelinski’s book, How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free:
Retirement Wisdom That You Won’t Get from Your Financial Advisor, will get even the most
sluggish wheels of possibility turning. In fact, it may have you running full tilt toward the next,
exciting stage of life.
Today, most seniors have the mental function and health that enable them to work longer at a
higher level of productivity than their parents did. People live longer and can look forward to
more healthy senior years. That’s good news! However, it also can make deciding when to retire
a challenge. Heed those inner urges, listen thoughtfully and objectively to feedback and plan
ahead. Manage your retirement as you did your career and you may be so pleased with the results
that you find yourself wondering what took you so long.
Vacation Expectations
My husband and I own a two-bedroom time share at a vacation resort. Although the property is
not luxurious, we love it and invite guests to join us occasionally. The problem is that my sister
and brother-in-law would like to be our guests. When we’ve traveled together before, they expect
the best of everything—a five-star hotel and impeccable service. Without that, they complain
constantly. We dread inviting them because they won’t enjoy our resort and we’ll be miserable
with their complaints. I love my sister dearly, enjoy spending time with her, and don’t want to
hurt her feelings but I don’t how to keep us all happy.
Aim to be honest, direct and diplomatic. First, do some research. Is there a resort nearby that
would better match their preferred style of travel? At most vacation spots, a variety of
accommodations are available to suit various budgets. If possible, prepare a list of some
alternative hotels.
If you wish, invite this couple to join you, but explain that your resort probably would not be a
“good fit” for them. Briefly give your reasons, e.g., no daily maid service, casual
accommodations, etc. You don’t need to run down your choice, but clearly point out the
differences between what is offered there versus what they enjoy. Suggest they book a room at a
more luxurious property nearby so you can spend time together but each have the space that suits
your individual preferences. It could be the best of both worlds for all of you.
Relocation Pros and Cons
We planned to relocate to where our daughter’s family resides, but I’m worried. We’ll see them
more often but that has strings. While we’re happy to help with child care, we want our own life.
What are the pros and cons of living closer to grown children? — Dave
Relocation Dilemma
I am divorced and wish to live closer to family but my children are spread throughout the
country. I’m considering moving near one child who lives in a warmer climate in a city that I
enjoy. However, her siblings feel rejected. How can I win? — Susan
Relocation Blues
I moved to Maryland to be near my family. Now, they are being transferred to the West Coast.
I’m devastated! Do I follow them again? — Jane
The decision about where to live after retirement is challenging — as these questions attest.
Before committing to any life-changing relocation, ponder the pros and cons, the significance of
your friends’ and family’s presence and your own hopes for your retirement years.
Relocating closer to loved ones provides increased opportunities to invest in family relationships.
These bonds, sometimes taxed by geography, can strengthen to a rich source of joy and
fulfillment and answer one challenge of post-retirement: the need to continue being useful and
contributing individuals. Deepening family ties can provide both pleasure and purpose through
functioning as a bastion of security, support, family values, history and tradition. And, as retirees
age and need help themselves, living nearby family can ease the strain and offer greater peace of
mind to everyone.
On the other hand, this choice presents some hurdles. Uprooting from friends, church, social
groups and a community where you’ve lived for years is challenging. The demands of navigating
an unfamiliar town, securing health care providers and establishing new friendships can induce
helplessness and even depression. Retirees find they must redefine their relationships with grown
children and may experience uncomfortable role-reversal and dependence.
Expectations of all parties, often unspoken, can result in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Grandparents anticipating more togetherness may feel disappointed when their offspring are
otherwise occupied. In contrast, the adage about the joys of grandchildren, “Love them and then
send them home” may not hold true. In fact, too much togetherness may result in obligation,
guilt and resentment.
Finally, after moving and adjusting to new circumstances and roles, there is no guarantee this
new normal will continue. As Jane realized, our children may themselves relocate, leaving us
feeling stranded somewhere we never expected to be.
Overwhelmed and confused? Follow these tips in order to make a well-informed and carefully
considered decision:
Examine motives and expectations. Discuss these written points with a spouse, trusted friend or
professional.·
Study your proposed community. Investigate the cost of living, medical care, climate,
recreational and cultural activities and sources of support for seniors.·
Make a compromise. Is there a community closer but not too close? Living an hour or two away
from family may provide closeness as well as some distance and independence.·
Plan for contingencies. If your children relocate, would you be happy staying behind? Would
you follow?·
Stay in contact. Former friends, co-workers and other family members comprise your support
system too. Connections enhance your well-being.
Even the field. If you are moving closer to one child, kindly, but firmly, explain your reasons and
visit the other more frequently or for longer periods of time.
Define reasonable, but flexible boundaries. Reflect upon your availability and desire for
providing child care, assisting with house care or repairs, and visiting which will enable you to
maintain your autonomy while you promote satisfying interactions and mutual support with your
extended family.·
Enlist advice. Listen to family concerns and expectations and respect their independence and
limitations. The impact of your move will extend to all of your family — it is not just about you.·
Heed gut feelings and red flags. If uneasiness persists, there is probably just cause. Delve deeper
into these warning signs.·
Try it out. A short-term furnished rental or home swap may clarify your choices.·
Support your children’s parenting. If you relocate, avoid being controlling or interfering.
Respect, rather than undermine, their authority. You’ve raised your family. Now, it’s their turn.·
Be reassured. If you decide against moving closer to your family, focus on fostering strong,
lifelong attachments with your grandchildren. The quality of our interactions is more important
than mere physical proximity. Deep bonds form with relatively short, but regular, visits and
attention.·
Cultivate optimism. Many seniors relocate to find rewarding new lives. Shaking up the usual
infuses us with fresh energy. At the same time, seniors wishing to remain in their own
community will find more support than ever, if that is what they choose to do.
No Timetable for Grief
Even though my baby brother is now a senior citizen, I still worry about him. John’s wife, who I
loved dearly, died this summer after a long battle with cancer. They’d been married almost 40
years and were devoted partners. So, I am shocked by how quickly he has begun seeing other
women. During the holidays, he brought a date to a family dinner which was uncomfortable for
everyone. Now, he is planning a trip with someone else! John is well-off and a good catch. I
don’t understand how his bereavement could be over so quickly. How do I tactfully warn John of
his vulnerability at this time?
Remember that everyone grieves at varying rates and in different manners. Although his dating
seems soon to you, John may have worked through much anticipatory grief during his wife’s
lengthy decline. Anticipatory grief is the normal mourning that occurs with an impending loss
and may be experienced by a close relative or friend or by dying persons themselves. This roller
coaster of emotions plunges those affected into anxiety, dread, guilt, hopelessness and all the
other emotional, spiritual, cognitive and physical challenges characteristic of bereavement — all
while the loved one is still alive.
Anticipatory grief does not always occur nor does it necessarily shorten or take the place of grief
that occurs after the death. In some cases though, couples who have confronted terminal illnesses
together reach a point of acceptance before the ill partner has passed away. The primary emotion
the surviving spouse may then feel is relief that their loved one is no longer suffering. When
survivors let go of any lingering and unnecessary guilt about these feelings of relief, they move
towards resuming a life that has been put on hold for a very long time.
A good recommendation for those who are grieving is to avoid making any life-altering
decisions for a year after the death of a loved one. You are correct in identifying the vulnerability
and uncertainty characteristic of this period. Still, there are no templates for grief and no
blueprint for the correct time to resume a social life. Rather, it is an individual process and
should not be measured or judged.
Your closeness to your sister-in-law may be influencing your view of John’s budding romances.
Keep that in mind. But, if you wish, try to approach John with your concerns in a light-hearted
manner, leaning upon “big sister responsibilities and rights.” Above all, avoid shaming him
because his grief does not appear to be lasting as long as you think it should. Remind him of your
love and concern for his well-being. Suggest that he not rush into any entangling alliances, but
rather enjoy this time of freedom. Express your support and continued openness to including his
guests in family activities. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable but keep your eye on the prize: a good
relationship with your brother.
The Sweet Sound of Music
I’ve always wanted to take music lessons and I recently inherited a piano. Is this a foolish
dream? I’ve never played an instrument and cannot even read music!
Go ahead! Sign yourself up and get prepared to rack up points in keeping your mind sharp and
lowering your stress level at the same time.
Like doing crossword puzzles or studying another language, learning to play a musical
instrument is a great way to maintain optimal brain function. Because making music involves
facing challenges, focusing and working toward goals, it is exercise for the brain. Just like our
bodies, our brains need exercise to stay healthy.
In addition, playing a musical instrument lowers our stress levels. Stress happens! Stress arises
from a confrontation with a difficult family member, a traffic snarl or from having too many
tasks on our ever-growing to-do list. Stress is simply part of our everyday life and unfortunately,
our bodies do not distinguish well between a minor irritation and a serious threat in our
environment. Whenever stress occurs, biochemical changes flood every cell in our bodies. Over
time, this stress response become habitual and our bodies pay the price with physical and
psychological ailments.
Making music helps to reverse the process and can alleviate many of the harmful effects of
stress. And guess what? You need not be a virtuoso to enjoy these benefits. In fact, playing for
recreational purposes clearly packs more relaxation punch than does professional music-making,
which is frequently accompanied by mastery issues and performance stress.
Remember these tips:
 Set your intention to have a fun-filled and relaxed experience.
 Focus on the process of playing rather than the end product of performance.
 Frustration is OK and can stretch us. Too much aggravation can be self-defeating. If necessary,
switch to an instrument like an electronic keyboard that allows even beginners to achieve results
quickly.
 Stick with it. The benefits will accrue with steady playing. Aim for at least one playing time
per week to reap de-stressing benefits.