Chapter Ten: Adolescents’ Levels of Intimacy Across Cultures
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In Chapter Ten of Adolescence, by Laurence Steinberg, an overview of intimacy in adolescence,
descriptions of several theoretical perspectives on intimacy, and an explanation of the development of
intimacy, dating, and romance are presented. Steinberg introduces the chapter by explaining, “[d]uring
adolescence, in short, relationships become more intimate” (318). As I read the chapters and conducted
my interviews, I found that it was important to draw a distinction between intimacy and sexuality. As
Steinberg describes, intimacy “does not have a sexual or physical connotation,” but “an emotional
attachment between two people that is characterized by concern for each other’s well-being” (318). Like
many of the issues in adolescence, intimacy involves biological, cognitive, and social changes.
After studying concepts from Chapter Ten, I interviewed Mary K. on the 15th of March and
Phillip L. on the 16th of March. As I interviewed Mary and Phillip on their relationships with their
families, friends, and romantic partners in regards to intimacy during adolescence, I noticed various
differences and similarities. I found it interesting that the difference between the two culturally diverse
people I interviewed yielded differences and similarities in their responses. Much of the information I
learned related to Chapter Ten of Adolescence. Mary is a nineteen-year-old student from West Chicago,
Illinois. She spent her childhood mainly in Congo, Zaire, and Kenya. Mary moved to the United States
when she was fourteen. Phillip is a twenty-three year old student from Glen Ellyn, Illinois; Phillip grew
up in Taiwan. Phillip has lived in the United States for three years and two months.
During my first interview, I asked Mary about whether she felt that she had developed a sense of
identity or real intimacy first. Mary described that she has always been intimate with her family and with
God. Her closeness with them helped her to develop her sense of identity. In regards to her
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relationships with peers, she was not very intimate until after she had grown to know herself. In
Sullivan’s view, “Identity and self-esteem are gradually built up through interpersonal relationships”
(Steinberg, 321). Mary appears to show characteristics of Sullivan’s theory.
Next, Mary described her level of attachment to her parents at infancy compared to adolescence.
Similar to her answer for the first question, Mary described that her relationship with her parents has
always been one of a secure, open, and trustful attachment. As Steinberg explains, “the initial attachment
relationship forms the basis of a more general model of interpersonal relationships used throughout life”
(324). The attachments during infancy determine “whether we see ourselves as worthy as others’
affection” (324). In Mary’s case, her secure attachment as a child helped her to develop trustful and
affectionate relationships throughout her adolescence.
I asked Mary to share if she thought intimacy with her peers replaced or was added to intimacy
with her parents during adolescence. She said that in high school there were a few months when she went
to her friends more than her parents; but overall, she’s always felt more intimate with her parents than her
friends. The author of the book states, “intimacy between individuals and their parents declines between
the fifth and tenth grades but increases between tenth grade and young adulthood” (Steinberg, 331). Mary
somewhat defies this statement but she suggested that perhaps it was partly because she was home
schooled. Mary also shared that although she did not put her friends above her parents, she was often
more intimate with her older brother. She shared her concerns about her schoolwork, other family
members, and appearances with her brother. The book offered that between fifth and eighth grades,
“peers become the most important source of companionship and intimate self-disclosure” (333). Mary,
however, was able to have the most important companionship with her brother, whom she considers to be
her best friend.
In ending the interview, I asked Mary about dating during her adolescence. She explained that
she did not start dating until she was 16, living in the United States. She dated to ready herself for
marriage. She has never had the desire to date just to date so she would ask herself “could I potentially
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marry this person?” to see if a relationship was worth her time. Mary is actually engaged and is getting
married this June. She goes against the norm described in the book: “individuals began to marry later
and later—a trend that continues today” (343).
After interviewing Mary, I interviewed Phillip. He had many interesting thoughts, views, and
memories to share on the topic of his intimacy in his relationships with his family, friends, and romantic
partners during adolescence. I asked Phillip about his levels of conflict and cohesion with his mother and
father during his adolescence in Taiwan. He described that he has felt more intimate with his mother
because he lived with her. However, Phillip also had conflict with mother over small matters. Phillip
feels as though he respected his mother and did what she asked of him and that lowered the amount of
conflict between them. This is reasonable considering “adolescents interact much more often with, are
closer to, and argue more with their mothers than their fathers” (333). Phillip added that he was not
intimate with his father but had conflicts with him sometimes. Phillip added that he was raised to share
happy things with others and keep the things that will make others unhappy with himself; this is the
behavior he used with his father. Phillip described that the relationships between child and parent in
Taiwan are built more on respect than on intimacy. Further, Steinberg points out, “Chinese American
individuals felt less comfortable talking to their parents about such intimate matters as sex or dating”
(332). Another reason for the lower levels of intimacy between Phillip may be because of “ethnic
differences in norms of formality in family relationships, especially in relationships between adolescents
and their fathers” (332).
Next I discussed with Phillip his intimacy with his peers compared to his intimacy with his
parents. The interviewee shared that around the ages 10-13 he began to feel much more close and
intimate with his peers. He would go to his friends for support and advice in school, relationships,
teachers, and appearance. As Steinberg describes, “the likelihood of turning to a peer during a time of
trouble increases during adolescence” (332).
After discussing relationships with friends, I asked Phillip about dating and romantic
relationships throughout his adolescence. Phillip began dating at age14 in junior high; he took a break
from dating until he could be more serious in a relationship. Like Mary, he feels as though the purpose
for dating during adolescence is to prepare for marriage and to learn more about himself. Although dating
is more of a recreational activity currently, Phillip agrees with the earlier eras function of dating. As
Steinberg describes, “individuals dated in order to ready themselves for marriage” and Phillip agrees with
this statement (343).
My interviews with Mary and Phillip produced diverse feelings, attitudes, and ideas about
intimacy in relationships of adolescents and their families, friends, and romantic partners across the
cultures of Africa and Taiwan. Much of what the interviewees said could be related to the book and our
class discussions.
RESOURCES
L., Phillip. Interview. 14 March 2004.
K., Mary. Interview. 13 March 2004.
Steinberg, Laurence. Adolescence 6th Ed. Boston: McGraw Hill, 2002.