Book Discussion : Difficult Conversations
Presented by Hatem Kamal
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- In the introduction of the book Anne Dickson comes
across
to us, readers, as one of those who believe that we- meaning
individuals or organizations or individuals representing
organizations have recently developed and even embraced quite
abusive behavior towards each other . Is this true?
- What do you think the most abusive
behaviors for that matter? Money?
Medication?
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- Contracts being terminated by e-mails, or by SMSs;
employees being terminated while away on holidays, or their
stuff put together in bin bags so that they come and pick
them up and just go away in silence not stirring too much
fuss.
- Does this sound familiar ? Any incidents that happened
recently that you were personally involved in or a witness
to?
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- The reason as the author chose to put it is “ the
avoidance of directness which has become an established
custom not only in the workplace but in our personal
lives as well.
- It’s one of the stumbling blocks to any possibility of
establishing
clear
communication
in
all
our
relationships.”
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-This is the case, I’m afraid, because according to
Anne Dickson we feel “awkward” or “uncomfortable”
when it comes to telling others what we think of them or
of some situations so as not to make a scene or hurt
their feelings or whatever any other reason and you
know what ?
- We may avoid the scene thing if lucky enough but in all
cases we end up -----------------------------------------------------------
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“ Doctors are often only able to inform patients of a terminal
condition in a clumsy and insensitive manner; managers give
employees structured criticism of their performance unaware
that their manner has a hurtful and devastating effect..I’ve
witnessed many individuals criticizing their partners,
parents, children or friends with condescension or
superiority and then amazed and horrified at the aggressive
response that comes back at them”
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- Well according to Anne Dickson we have 2 options:
One option : We could keep quiet about it , pretend it
never happened, bury our heads in the sand, deny what’s
going on, sweep everything under the carpet, and wish it
would go away.
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- Learn another different kind of communication that is
based on believing in equality with others and that we need
to be honest with others without being offensive or abusive,
expressing difference of opinion without getting into heated
argument, get others to cooperate more and get the results
we’re seeking.
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- Well first we have to challenge our traditional ways ,
habits and assumptions about how we perceive or deal with
others, a change of mind frame, of perceived images about
others.
- And second we have to go through this book to find out
more about this.
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- Part 1 is entitled “Theory” whereas the second part is
entitled “ Practice” and finally the third part is “ The
way forward” .
- Well the structure is pretty much telling I guess of
what to expect? Right? A good example of this is
Chapter 1 which is entitled “Will I win or will I lose?”
- Any idea about the answer to this question or what is
the question about in the first place?
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- A bundle of more and more questions, questions that
go through our minds whenever we’re about to handle
others and communicate with them, criticize them or
comment on what they said in delicate or critical
situations
- Questions such as : Will it possibly work? Will they
listen? What will they think of me? Am I opening a can
of worms by saying this? Am I jeopardizing my chances
of reconciliation?
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Actually the above-mentioned questions if
anything they reflect –according to Anne
Dickson – the following concerns
 I’ll get in trouble if I say this
 I can’t say this to the boss
 It’ll get really nasty
 There’ll be dire consequences to pay
Can you add some more of your own?
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- According to Anne Dickson “It’s basically the “hit and
run” strategy” . In other words you give it to them when
they least expect it . It doesn’t have to make a lot of
noise. It doesn’t have to draw attention.
- A good example of this is when you to remove
someone’s desk to indicate that he/she is no longer
employed in the place. I can’t imagine of something
more violent yet so noiseless . Reminds me of “killing
me softly” though in negative sense here.
- How about you? Any incidents in which
you were subject to the Sledgehammer
or being the Sledgehammer yourself?
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- Anne Dickson calls it “Pussyfoot” which boils down basically to the
well-known practice of tiptoeing around delicate and critical situations,
dropping hints , making allusions whenever possible and hope fervently
that the other person will get the hints and allusions and save the
trouble of a confrontation…
- Actually the flipside of the coin here
is the accumulation associated if others
fail to get your hints and resolutions.
- Does this sound familiar? Any incidents that happened to you
personally in which you were a witness to this?
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Anne Dickson likens it to a ladder in which our
position is defined by how much perpendicular
power we possess over others “Perpendicular
Power” stems from the following sources:
Legitimate power, resources, expertise and
charisma.
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- Well according to the author looking from your
position up the ladder down to others, you
intuitively prepare for a battle ahead in which you
seek to assert yourself because others will
definitely assert themselves .
- Then Anne Dickson poses the question : What
happens when we want to ask someone to
change his or her behavior and we only have
perpendicular power as a reference point?
(Maggie & Rick Conversation)
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- The author gives us the answer to this question which is
pretty much the answer that each of us is likely to come up
with now that we have become familiar with the author
thinking “ To this end, we build up in our minds an armor of
superiority to withstand any counterattack from the other
person.
- When we feel ‘justified’ in our criticism it means we have
sufficient weaponry on our side and unfortunately this means
that we don’t listen to the other person’s point of view.”
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- She draws our attention to the fact that there’s nothing inherently
wrong with ladders and perpendicular power concept but we should
try to understand how the concept functions and how you maybe
today up the ladder because of your expertise as much as this
expertise is in demand.
- Along these lines Anne Dickson wrote : ‘ Acknowledging the
temporary nature of this kind of power, you can learn to let go of it
when you have to. The permanent insecurity of moving up or down
the ladder makes it hard to relinquish this power gracefully. This is
why we often try to hold on, being rigidly authoritarian, waging wars,
having cosmetic surgeries, engaging in dishonest and criminal
practices, because the need to cling to wealth and position and
status and significance is so great’ .
- Wow! What do you think of this?
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- Personal power as defined by the author is this kind of
power you have that comes from within and doesn’t
owe its existence to anything external as is the case
with “Perpendicular Power”.
- The author tells us that this kind of power is
“independent of rank, status, class, achievement,
education, gender, background, expertise, health,
wealth or even age”
- Now am not so sure what kind of power will that be
without any of these? Any ideas , suggestions?
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-And
as the word “continuum” suggests we’re here talking about continuity,
consistency, or the best word that represents this kind of power according to
Anne Dickson is “ Congruence” as this “word describes a consistency of being,
an agreement between what you feel and what you say and how you behave”
- And so for many of us this would be mistaken for confidence or self-esteem
and it wouldn’t be such a big mistake if only we can understand that such
confidence and self-esteem are not derived from your status on the ladder.
- It’s this kind of self esteem that’s remotely
connected to aggression to get and pursue
what you want or denial which entails denying
your frailties and acknowledging only strengths. Actually the features of such
personal power are: balance, emotional awareness, and integrity.
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- Her argument in this respect is simple: You don’t have to
be aggressive to win and you don’t have to win all the time
or lose all the time.
- To achieve this you have to combine both kinds of power
and definitely let go of the long-standing habit of aggression.
- But then how can we do that when aggression is
everywhere and we encourage and reward it as a culture
under other pseudonyms such as “self assertion”
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- We have to sever the link between anxiety and aggression
or else we’ll keep getting more of the same.
- Anxiety here is synonymous with the fear of losing to
others, losing face, coming across as vulnerable and all this is
a propeller towards aggression.
- And guess what! Aggression breeds more aggression and
rigidity which comes hand in hand with Perpendicular Power
breeds more and more rigidity.
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What’s happening?
It’s very important to depict exactly in accurate terms what’s really happening
and that would be basically by separating the person from the behavior while
avoiding labeling the person involved.
-
- What do you feel about it?
And this is equally important in the sense that so many of us mistake what do we
feel about for what we think about it and that stems from a deep-seated
conviction that emotion is much inferior to reason . (Understanding the
importance of feelings and different view P 37-38)
- What do you want to be different?
This is kind of acid test because according to the author it transforms a mere
complaint ( what do you do and how I feel about it) into a constructive comment
or request that is actionable. Any examples off the top of your head? (Cartoon
P.49)
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- One time and again Anne Dickson points out the nature
of “perpendicular power” and how it easily fosters
exploitation, abuse and oppression yet it’s inevitable.
- If it has to be there and we don’t have to split the two
powers into good or bad but rather discipline a “
perpendicular power” when it gets out of control with the
principles of “personal power” Antonnia & Ingrid Maggie &
Rick
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- Throughout the chapter the author emphasizes the fact
that setting time to discuss issues that gave rise to
unpleasant situations is all what we need to do in order to
prevent the recurrence of these situations in the future .
- To achieve this she suggests: “ Given that you know that
you’ll be anxious you have to give yourself the best chance
possible of communicating from a clear base . You can
chose when to speak up”
- It’s kind of preemptive strategy wouldn’t you say? Let’s
have a look at these examples of Sally & Rebecca
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This chapter is all practice giving examples of
ineffective communication and detecting what’s wrong
to in order to know how to initiate and close
conversations effectively, stating ultimately what’s on
your mind. Sally & Pete , Rebecca & Mum
( P67,68,69)
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- To keep blaming others for anything negative that happens without
acknowledging your part in this is a quick recipe for more and more fights to
follow and more recriminations.
- Unfortunately putting the blame on others is tempting enough . By doing
this according to the writer we’re simply “ignoring the obvious truth that
any interactive pattern takes two to construct.
We manage to convince ourselves that if only the other person were more
reasonable, more efficient, more amenable, less touchy then our problems
will simply disappear” More practice with Rosie & Ian, Martin & Karen
(P82,83, 84)
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By speaking up she means giving due notice and not
just dropping hints or muttering words of protest
under breath or sighs that show discontent because
chances are that others will not get them. And if they
do they may just ignore them (Cartoon P 94 and
more practice on avoiding the pitfalls of ineffective
conversations).
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- By authority here we mean this kind of authority that gives you bad
news by leaking them to you or disappearing altogether when the
news are passed around.
- This kind of authority that cheats you out of your right to express
your discomfort or anger or even mild annoyance at what happened.
This is exactly what Anne Dickson calls “oppression in relationships”
- According to her it is a classic opportunity of “hit & run” There’s
invaluable lesson to learn from the story of “ Ben & the team”
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- This will in turn put a pressure on others to comply with
your wishes “once you stop seeing someone as an enemy,
they stop behaving like one” The story of Kate & her
neighbor is a telling proof (117, 118, 119)
- Treating others as equals actually starts by putting
ourselves in their shoes and to bear in mind that “ none of
us listens when threatened or attacked or patronized or
made to feel inferior. Our eyes and ears close down as we
go into survival mode”
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- Anne Dickson in these 2 chapters urge us to consider the
consequences before speaking up but not allowing them to hold us
back though
- One time and again she’s urging us to have our eyes set on the
“bottom line” and how to get there using the “What’s happening,
how do I feel about it and what’s it that I want to be different”
coupled with “Does it matter if nothing changes, deep down can I get
along with the situation?”
- And so in other words speaking up someone’s mind shouldn’t occur
in vacuum. It should happen to serve a certain purpose and not quit
until the purpose is served.
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The technique is simply entitled “One Small Step” and it’s
intended for ‘nightmarish situations’ that we may find ourselves
stuck in.
It’s these situations that may be full of so many things or incidents
to complain about and you feel ‘so powerless dealing with them’
And so the best way to get started dealing with such situations is
according to Anne Dickson “one pebble, one small thing you can
change” P.174 , 175
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