Perfect Daughters
Adult Daughters of Alcoholics and Other Traumas
Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.
ODAPCA
Norman, OK
October 9, 2014
Why Survivors of Dysfunctional
Families Are Not All the Same
1. Degree of dysfunction and the
parental role
2. Type or kind of dysfunctional
parent/s
3. Different reactions to stress
4. Personality and perceptions
Why Survivors of Dysfunctional
Families Are Not All the Same
5. Gender implications and
interpretations
6. Age and developmental factors
7. Cultural considerations
8. Off-setting contributing factors
Dysfunctional Families
Areas of Conflict
 Perceived isolation
 Inconsistency
 Self-condemnation
 Control needs
 Approval needs
 Rigidity
 Fear of failure
Gender Implications for
CoA/ACoA
Mother
Father
Daughters
Both
Sons
Gender Differences in Impact on
Sons & Daughters of Alcoholics
Daughters
1.Both parents
2.Father only
3.Mother only
Sons
1. Mother only
2. Both parents
3. Father only
DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHERS
Impact on Daughters
Role Models
Relationships (women)
Parenting skills
Gender Identity
Trust
Trying to please
Shame
Dysfunctional Fathers
Impact on Daughters
Relationships
Role confusion
Intimacy
Sense of self
Sexual abuse
Perfectionism
Unintended Negative Childhood
Lessons
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Perfect Daughters
If I can control everything, I can keep my family
from becoming upset.
If I please everyone, everyone will be happy.
If is my fault and I am to blame when trouble
occurs.
Those who love you the most are those who
cause you the most pain.
If I don’t get too close emotionally, you cannot
hurt me.
It is my responsibility to insure that everyone in the
family gets along with each other.
Take care of others first.
Nothing is wrong, but I don’t feel right.
Expressing anger is not appropriate.
Something is missing in my life.
I’m unique and my family is different from all
other families.
I can deny anything.
I am not a good person.
I am responsible for the success of a relationship.
For something to be acceptable it must be perfect.
Unintended Positive Childhood
Lessons
I am a survivor, I can survive trauma.
 I have developed competencies in many
areas of my life.
 I can handle crisis.
 I have a good sense of humor.
 I can take care of myself.
 I am not easily discouraged.
 I can find alternatives to problems.
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I am not afraid to rely on my abilities.
I can be healthy when others are not.
I do have choices.
I can be depended upon.
I appreciate my inner strength.
I know what I want.
I am a good person.
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are
great.
Relationship Concerns for Women
Unwilling to trust her own judgment
 Not having her intimacy needs met
 Feelings of low self-worth
 Feeling overly responsible for the success
of a relationship
 Picking the wrong person
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Characteristics of Unhealthy
Relationships
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No longer fun
Partners feel controlled
Jealousy
Apathy
Silent treatment
Unfaithfulness
Feelings of being taken for granted
Relationships is one-sided
Lack of communication
Resentment
High Risk Relationships
What Makes Them Attractive?
 Freedom
 Exciting
 Feeling needed
 Exclusivity
 Seductiveness
High Risk Relationship
Characteristics
Control
 A high risk partner
 Magnet to stay
 You are a high risk person
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Why Do They Stay?
Family background
 Fear
 Dependency
 Denial
 Lack of support
 Isolation
 Social expectations
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Safety
 Learned helplessness
 She/he loves the partner
 The partner will change
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Feelings
“If this is love, why do I feel so bad?”
It’s the wrong person for you if you
feel:
 Pressured
 Confused
 Guilty, like you’re not good enough
 Angry
 uncomfortable
Forms of Intimacy
Intimacy
 Intimacy
 Intimacy
 Intimacy

and
and
and
and
variety
value
exclusivity
a sense of “we”
You
Me
Us
Achieving Positive Emotional
Intimacy
Transform low self-esteem to high selfesteem
 Change the inability to trust to the ability
to trust
 Change from triangulation to direct
communication
 Reduce overly controlling behavior to the
proper amount of control
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Reduce macro responsibility to
reasonable amount of responsibility
 Overcome compassion fatigue and
learn to feel again
 Go off your emotional diet
 Overcome the inability to receive
 Learn to say, “NO”
 Don’t overly process
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Take time for yourself
 Remember to do the small things
 Have fun and passion
 Ask for what you need
 Practice your relationship skills outside
of your romantic relationship
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Characteristics of Healthy
Relationships
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They are fun
Free from “me phobia”
Partners can receive
Energy is invested in the relationship
Adequate processing
Trust
Free from abuse
Problems are not denied
Friendship
Perfect Daughters and Parenting
Concerns
Control
 I don’t know how!
 Lack of consistency
 Not being able to meet your child’s needs
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Strategies for Raising Your
Confidence as a Parent
*Learn to be comfortable being in charge
*Identify what you want to teach
*Learn about human development
*Learn about your children's problems
*Know when and how to get help
*Talk with other parents
*Learn how to parent together
*Learn to say, "No!"
*Learn when and how to protect yourself
*Rely on commonsense
Recovery Lag
*not all individuals/families are affected the same
way
*not all parts of the individual/family will need
intervention
*not all individuals/family will respond the same
way to treatment
*not all personal or family issues/problems will
recover at the same rate
*not all members of the family will need the same
amount of support
*not all individuals/families will recover to the
same degree