The Conversation Before
the Conversation
The Practice of Behavioral Covenants
Connecting…
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Name
Name and location of church
Role at church
How many years have you served there?
What is one expectation you have for this
workshop?
Do you have any pets?
The challenge before us
The journey of vitality
is both adventurous
and treacherous.
The Physics of Vitality
vitality = change
change = movement
movement = friction
friction = heat
Don’t get suckered into the myth
We can grow without change.
We can change without pain.
Conflict is normal and natural
In leading your church to becoming healthy
and missional, you are going to have some
challenging conversations.
Values of Vitality
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Vitality may often come with conflict and
opposition. Preparing for this challenge requires
courage, hope, perseverance, wisdom,
graciousness and training.
Values of Vitality
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Vitality is not just about rebirth; it's about reality
- a current reality that requires an accurate and
honest assessment. There is no vitality without
reality.
Values of Vitality
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Vitality takes longer than planned, is messier
than expected, costs more than originally figured
and requires greater determination than once
thought.
What happens when the church
begins to grow?
Entropy
Organizations tend to lose vitality rather than
gain it as time passes. They also tend to give
greater attention to what they “were” rather than
what they are “becoming”. It is easier to look
back into the past and smile on yesterday’s
accomplishments than it is to look ahead into
the future and think about tomorrow’s
possibilities.
Chuck Swindoll
2 Kinds of Spaces
Reactive Space
Balcony Space
Source: Ron Heifetz
What is a Behavioral Covenant?
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The conversation before the conversation.
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The conversation about how you are going to
have the conversation on vitality.
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These conversations need to be civil,
compassionate and Christ-honoring.
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Midwest Conference video toolbox:
What is a Behavioral Covenant?
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The conversation before the conversation.
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The conversation about how you are going to
have the conversation on vitality.
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These conversations need to be civil,
compassionate and Christ-honoring.
Conversation
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Conversation implies back-and-forthness,
several voices engaged in considering, exploring,
discussing, and enjoying not only the subject
matter but also one another’s company.
Eugene Peterson,
Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places
Name that picture
The components of a simple
conversation
Behavioral Covenants
Holy Manners for a Faith Community
A behavioral covenant is a written document
developed by leaders, agreed to and owned by
its creators and practiced on a daily basis as a
spiritual discipline. The Covenant answers the
question, “How will we behave (how will we live
together?) when we don’t understand each other
and when we don’t agree?”
Gil Rendle
Behavioral Covenants in Congregations
Good Behavioral Covenants are
Based in Scripture
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,
gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and
forgive whatever grievances you may have against one
another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all
these virtues put on love, which binds them all together
in perfect unity.
Colossians 3:12-14
Guidelines for Loving Relationships and
Values to Guide Our Interaction
Colossians 3:12-14
At the Evangelical Covenant Church…
 We seek to build each other up and not tear
down.
 We respect and honor the office of pastor
and other lay leaders.
 We seek to communicate clearly, completely,
and directly.
 We offer our opinions with charity and
humility.
Guidelines for Loving Relationships and
Values to Guide Our Interaction
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We make positive investments in each others lives.
We believe the best in each other and give each other the benefit
of the doubt.
We seek to discover what is best for our church as a whole, not
what may be best for us or for some small group in the church.
We accept disagreement, conflict and evaluation as normal and
natural.
We are committed to being inconvenienced for the sake of the
gospel.
Question: What do you like about this Behavioral Covenant?
“As we communicate, so shall we be.”
Lee O. Thayer
Communication Theorist
In the various arenas of our life, we strive to be
productive, to be responsible, to do the right thing, but
in the midst of the demands of daily living, have we lost
sight of how we treat each other, how we interact with
those who disagree with us, how we understand our
place in community? The hard work of learning to
practice civility with each other is where others will
most likely see our Christian witness, and through that
witness, for better or for worse, they will decide the
worth of what we profess.
Daniel de Roulet,
Covenant Companion, May 2010
Staff Behavioral Covenant
First Covenant Church of River Falls, WI
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good
deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing,
but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day
approaching. --Hebrews 10:23-25
In seeking to follow and serve Christ together we will…
1. Make our weekly staff meeting a priority.
2. Not attack or embarrass one another. In public, we will support
each other (criticism is private and praise is public).
3. Practice, as well as encourage & respect each other’s Rest &
Rejuvenation times (i.e. phone calls, e-mails, scheduling, etc.).
4. Pray for each other whether in times of sorrow or joy, want or
plenty, challenge or celebration.
Staff Behavioral Covenant
First Covenant Church of River Falls, WI
5. Encourage one another to cultivate Christian courtesy in all our relationships,
supporting and encouraging redemptive and Christ-honoring actions when wrongs
occur with those we serve and serve with.
6. Keep short accounts with one another. We will take the initiative to talk to one another
when there are misunderstandings or conflicts.
7. Seek to make communication a priority with one another by responding in a timely
manner to each other’s requests and being informed with each other’s ministries.
8. Celebrate the work God is doing in and through us by mutual encouragement.
9. Proactively seek training and equipping individually and as a team.
10. Close staff meetings with agreement on next actions, persons accountable for those
actions and the time frame in which they are to be completed.
____________________________________________
Staff Signature
On the Journey: Sharing Christ, Growing Together
Benefits
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Creates a foundation for civil, compassionate
and Christ-honoring conversations.
Generates momentum.
Creates an early win on the pathway of vitality.
Establishes a common language.
Creates some measure of unity.
Promotes a culture of candor and a climate of
trust.
Benefits
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Provides a teachable moment.
Helps people reflect on their own family of
origin.
Creates a mentality before the reality.
Improves the tenor of meetings.
How do you measure what prevention prevents?
Helps deal with seen but unnamed issues.
Benefits
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Provides an opportunity for people to stop and
think about how they are treating others.
Gives people an opportunity to repent.
Synthesizes grace and truth.
Promotes healing of old wounds.
Invites others into compelling Christian
community.
Witnesses to the love of Jesus.
How to…
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How do you create a Behavioral Covenant and
keep it before the people?
Anticipating resistance
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What are some reasons people will give not to
have a Behavioral Covenant?
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We are all Christians here; we don’t need a
Behavioral Covenant.
Anticipating resistance
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What are some reasons people will give not to
have a Behavioral Covenant?
We are all Christians here; we don’t need a
Behavioral Covenant.
 All of this is in the Bible.
 We already wrote this into the Constitution and Bylaws back in 1950.
 We don’t have time to do this.
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Anticipating resistance
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Why would people not want a Behavioral
Covenant?
The gig is up!
Passive aggressive behaviors.
Attacks from naysayers.
Passive aggressive behavior is the
MO in many churches
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Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of
expressing your negative feelings in an indirect
way — instead of openly addressing them.
Dr. Daniel K. Hall-Flavin, M.D.
Mayo Clinic psychiatrist
Signs and Symptoms of Passive
Aggressive Behavior
A constant display of…
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Resentment and opposition to the demands of others
Complaining about feeling underappreciated or cheated
Procrastination
Stubbornness
Inefficiency
Memory lapses
Sullenness
Irritability
Cynical attitude
Obstructionism
Victimization
Blaming
Ambiguity
Passive Aggressive Behavior
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Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert
abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you,
you know that you've been abused. It is obvious
and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and
veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be
normal, at times loving and caring. The passive
aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
Cathy Meyer
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Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to
express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may
be so repressed that they don't even realize they are
angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can
drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely
dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to
their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive
aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them
or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they
are confronted about their behavior.
Passive Aggressive Behavior
Attack Strategies used by Naysayers
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Fear mongering
Fear mongering involves creating infectious
anxiety, scaring others into believing that a
good idea is far too risky to pursue.
John Kotter and Lorne Whitehead,
4 Ways to Kill a Good Idea
Attack Strategies used by Naysayers
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Death by delay
Death by delay entails stalling an idea with
never-ending questions, straw polls, and
meetings—until the idea eventually loses
momentum and peters out.
John Kotter and Lorne Whitehead,
4 Ways to Kill a Good Idea
Attack Strategies used by Naysayers
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Confusion
Confusion consists of peppering a
conversation with a stream of irrelevant
facts and convoluted questions, making it
nearly impossible for the innovator to keep
the discussion on track.
John Kotter and Lorne Whitehead,
4 Ways to Kill a Good Idea
Attack Strategies used by Naysayers
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Ridicule
Ridicule is a direct attack on the character
of the person who proposed the idea,
creating indirect doubts about the idea
itself.
John Kotter and Lorne Whitehead,
4 Ways to Kill a Good Idea.
Realistic expectations
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A Behavioral Covenant is not the cure-all for
passive aggressive behaviors or attacks from
naysayers.
However, the process of creating a Behavioral
Covenant provides an opportunity for new
patterns to be formed that are civil,
compassionate and Christ-honoring.
Guidelines For Creating
a Behavioral Covenant
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The best time to create a Behavioral Covenant
is when the sun is shining, not when the rain
is pouring.
Go slow to go fast.
Keep it short, simple and to one page (no
more than 7 – 10 statements).
Present an over-arching Scripture verse or
ground each statement with scripture.
Use samples, but create your own version to
make it relevant to your context.
Guidelines For Creating
a Behavioral Covenant
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Anticipate resistance/indentify traps…respond
with a non-anxious presence.
Be intentional and creative to inculcate the
Behavioral Covenant into the normal and
natural life of the congregation. But don’t over
do it!
Preach a sermon series using one statement per
Sunday. Culminate the series with a communion
service.
Plan the work and work the plan.
Bathe the process in prayer.
Guidelines For Creating
a Behavioral Covenant
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Remember that the Behavioral Covenant is a
living document, not a legalistic code of
moralism. It is not something “to live up to”
but “to live in to.”
The process is more important than the product.
There is always a mentality before a reality.
The Behavioral Covenant deals with behavior
not motives.
Rename it a “Relational Covenant” if that works
for you.
Guidelines for Creating a
Behavioral Covenant
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Ask the Vitality Team to map out the process
and recommend it to the Leadership Team or
Council.
See how the Behavioral Covenant fits into the
overall Congregational Vitality Pathway
Think civil, compassionate and Christ-honoring
conversation.
Use the promo DVD from the Midwest
Conference.
Afternoon Panel Session
Q and A
Wrap up
The Conversation Before
the Conversation
The Practice of Behavioral Covenants
What is your one take away?
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Take a minute to reflect on all that we
experienced here today.
Write down your one take away.
We want to hear from everyone.