Healing After Reunification
National Family Reunification Day
Nikki Lively, LCSW
Faith Kumar, M.A., LCPC, CCBT
Laura Timmel, LCSW
Objectives
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To understand the impact of trauma and
separation on children’s behavior.
To understand and normalize the stress
on the parent-child relationship of
separation.
To increase strategies for parents to
cope and effectively communicate with
their children to ease the transition in
reunification.
Relational/Attachment perspective
• The needs of the child and the needs
of the parent are considered together
• Emphasis on the importance of
relationships in repairing socialemotional ruptures (Tomlin & Viehweg, 2003)
Trauma Defined
• An event or series of events that is
accompanied by intense terror and
helplessness, and which overwhelms our
abilities to cope.
• Accompanying all trauma is the loss of
safety, predictability, and security in the
world.
Healing by sharing our stories
Tell us the story of how your
family came to be separated by
the child welfare system
Impact on parents of separation
trauma
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Anger
Rage
Fear
Powerlessness
Shame
Grief
Loss of confidence in parenting
Acute psychological distress decreases the
ability to solve problems and be emotionally
available to others
Impact on children of separation
trauma
• Differs based on developmental stage
• General areas of functioning that are impacted in
children by trauma include:
– Triggered patterns of dysregulation in affective, somatic,
behavioral, cognitive, relational, and self-attributional domains
– Altered expectancies and perceptions including fears of
abandonment, negative self-attributions, loss of protection, etc.
– Functional impairment in educational, familial, and peer spheres
(Lieberman & Van Horn, 2008)
Impact on children of separation
trauma
• #1 Protective factor in managing traumatic
experiences is having caring adults to
assist them in making sense of what
is/what has happened.
Impact on the family
• “Families are fragmented, and then carry
with them the inner experiences
associated with loss, separation and
disrupted relationships” (Farmer, E., 1996)
• High levels of life stress (ex. Home loss, job
loss, financial problems, etc.)
• Difficulties interacting with one another
• Difficulties between parent and child/children in
setting limits, discipline, or managing other
expectations
Healing by sharing our stories
• What behaviors have you noticed in your
children that you believe are a result of the
trauma of being separated from you?
• What feelings and behaviors did you
notice in yourself as a result of the
separation trauma?
Attachment Theory
• Tendency for people to form close
personal relationships to specific others
that:
– Support them in times of stress
– Help them feel secure
– Form the basis for an “inner working model” of
self and others
(Bowlby, 1969/1982)
Functions of Attachment
• Biological = Protection from danger
• Social = Felt security in times of stress
• Provision of a “stronger and wiser” partner
– Secure Base
– Haven of Safety
• Creating “roots and wings”
2000-Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin & Powell
Circleofsecurity.org
Healing by sharing our stories
• What changes did you notice in your
relationship(s) with your child/children
during and after the period of separation?
• What did your children seem to need from
you?
• What did you notice that you needed?
Applying Attachment Theory to
Healing Parent-Child
Relationships
Circle of Security (COS)
• Core emotional requirements for healthy social
and emotional development:
– Soothing = Emotional states
shared/confirmed/sponsored during times of distress
(i.e. it is OK to have this feeling)
– Delight = Emotional states
shared/confirmed/sponsored during times of pleasure
• The experience of co-regulation teaches
children that emotional states are knowable,
shareable, and not overwhelming
(Bowlby, 1992; Marvin & Britner, 1999)
COS
• For a child, any emotion that is not “met”
or “held” by a caregiver is experienced as
“unregulated affect”
– Unregulated affect = the experience of being
all alone in an emotion that feels too big for us
to manage on our own
(2000 Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin & Powell
Circleofsecurity.org)
COS theory
• “Bad things happen” a.k.a. parents miss
opportunities to help their child make
sense of their feelings
• The good news is that security is built on
experiences of rupture and repair – the
parent’s job is to notice the rupture
2000-Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin & Powell
Circleofsecurity.org
Reflective Functioning
• The parent’s capacity to hold in mind their
own mental states, those of their child, and
the ongoing interplay between the two
• Improving parental RF allows the parent to
make sense of, and thus help regulate,
their child’s levels of arousal and affect
– If parents can accurately understand what
their child needs, they will be better able to
provide it (Fonagy, et al, 1991)
Promoting Reflective Functioning
• Asking open-ended questions:
– What is it like for you when your child does X?
– How do you feel when this happens?
– What do you think your child is
thinking/feeling when they do X?
– What do you imagine your child is needing in
those moments?
– What do you need in those moments?
The Journey of Imperfect Parenting
Guideposts for the Journey
• Practice loving-kindness
Embrace imperfection
Understand shame and practice resilience
Make space for rest, creativity and gratitude
Hold spirit sacred
Make mistakes, make amends
Learn hope
Practice forgiveness and self-compassion
Lean into discomfort and pain
Practice courage by setting limits and respecting
boundaries
Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW
How can parents resolve their
grief?
• Grieving in isolation can increase
potentially harmful, negative feelings (esp.
shame)
• Telling our stories is healing
– Talking to an empathic, knowledgeable
person who knows the child welfare system
• Practice empathy, understanding and
acceptance of yourself
Factors that support family healing
• Offering predictable daily routines
(e.g. bedtime rituals, meal time rituals,
etc.)
• Finding specific things, events, or people
to be grateful for as a family healing
together
• Creating and identifying new things to look
forward to together in your future
Family Resiliency
• The ability of a family to respond positively to an
adverse event and emerge strengthened, more
resourceful, and more confident (Simon, J.B., et al, 2005)
• Develops (not by an evasion of adverse events)
but through a family’s successful use of their
protective factors to cope and become stronger
(O’Leary, 1998)
• Resilience is a process, rather than an outcome
(Rutter, 1999)
Healing by sharing our stories
• What has helped your family build
resilience to your separation trauma?
• What strategies have you used as a
parent to heal your relationship(s) with
your child/children?
Healing = Struggling Together
and Talking About It!