Death and Grief in the
Classroom: Dangerous
Discussions
Kay Fowler
Feb. 28, 2007
Frail bit of good luck
"We fail to value life as a
frail bit of good luck in a
world based on chance."
(Arthur Frank, At the Will of the Body 128)
Bereavement
“The state of being bereaved or
deprived of something … the
objective situation of individuals who
have experienced a loss of some
person or thing that they valued.”
(Corless 2001; qtd. Corr 209).
Grief
“The reaction to loss.”
Can be experienced in numerous
ways
Mourning
“The processes of
coping with loss
and grief, and thus
the attempt to
manage those
experiences or
learn to live with
them by
incorporating them
into ongoing living.”
(Siggins)
Grief Manifestations
Physical sensations
Feelings (a wide range from sadness to
anger to yearning to numbness, etc.);
Thoughts or Cognitions (e.g.
disbelief, preoccupation…);
Behaviors (again a wide range);
Social Difficulties;
Spiritual searching.
In the classroom
Grief/trauma makes students/teacher
feel “out of control” “out of the norm”
Class can be a relatively safe space
to try to find some sense of renewed
control or “normalcy”
Teacher not an “expert” here -- but a
participant in the grief -- but is still an
experienced facilitator
How to Start
Students want opportunity to process
but also don’t want to be
overwhelmed -- want some return to
familiar’
Start with statement of openness to
discuss situation
Set a time limit for the discussion - 30
min. or 45 min.
Be concrete and complete
Give as clear, full, and concrete a
description of the information as you know
Make clear what you don’t know or what
isn’t known at this time
Describe what you can about efforts
underway to get more information
Indicate that one discussion is not going to
be a quick fix; grief/trauma does not have a
timeline or a solution; one learns to live
around -- not “get over” it.
Ground rules
Be open and respectful
Share your own reactions to the
degree that you feel comfortable
Let students know it’s okay to pass
Listen carefully and reflect back what
has been said
Facilitating
Validate feelings -- ask how feelings can be
channeled positively
Resist using cliches, quick reassurances, or
religious or patriotic wisdom (whatever your
own beliefs)
When students offer these affirm their
perspective but gently reflect that others
will perceive things differently or hold
different beliefs and values
Start with writing
Have students write for 5 minutes or
so about their reactions/questions
Start class discussion with question -how did you learn about ?
Invite students to share their
reactions/questions
Observe carefully
Watch class for exhaustion with topic
or for heightened anxiety
Watch individuals for acute grief or
risk signals of suicidal or violent
responses
Draw these students aside at break or
end of class
Hate language
If hate langauge or revenge talk
emerges toward a particular group
help students to take apart where the
anger is coming from, where it
“belongs” and where it is being
inappropriately generalized, and how
to use anger positively rather than
destructively
Closing Discussion
When time is “up” or when subject
seems to be becoming overwhelming
bring discussion to closure by
Offering resources for help where you
know them, Counseling Center,
agencies, websites, etc.
Suggest research, readings, and/or
action steps to be taken. Draw
suggestions from students.
Closing discussion
Suggest ways to tie subject into class
subject where possible
Promise (if appropriate) further
discussion in a later class -- not
necessarily the next class and tied to
steps to learn more/research more
before that discussion
Ask students to write thoughts again
for five minutes
Break
If long class take a short break before
turning to the class work for the day
If short class try to do some of the
class work for the day even if only 5
or 10 minutes before class ends to
restore sense that life and learning
are continuing and are valuable
Self-care
If possible talk with someone you trust
about the class in advance
Definitely talk with someone you trust after
the class -- debrief, get a hug, cry your own
tears
Write your own reaction/thoughts on the
event -- and on the class discussion
Do something healing -- take a walk, paint
a picture, work in your garden, etc.
Grieving Hurts
6 R’s of Grieving
1. Recognize the loss (acknowledge and
understand the death)
2. React to the separation (e. g. feel the
pain, express, identify and mourn
secondary losses)
3. Recollect and re-experience the
deceased and the relationship (review
and remember realistically, revive and
re-experience feelings) (Rando)
6 R’s continued
4. Relinquish the old attachments to the deceased
and the old assumptive world
5. Readjust to move adaptively into the new
world without forgetting the old (develop a
new relationship with the deceased, adopt new
ways of being in the world)
6. Reinvest.
(Rando)
Factors affecting grief
A. Psychological Factors:
1. characteristics and meaning of the lost relationship (e.g.
lost roles and functions, unfinished business, etc.)
2. your personal characteristics (e.g. coping behaviors,
accumulation of or simultaneous other stresses, etc.)
3. specific circumstances of the death (location, type,
“timeliness,” sense of preventability; etc.)
4. Corr adds: developmental situation of the bereaved
person (child, adolescent, adult or elderly person)
(Rando; Corr)
Social Factors
B. Social Factors
1. Social support system
2.
sociocultural, ethnic,
religious/philosophical
backgrounds/values
3. educational, economic, and occupational
status
4.
funerary rituals
5.
social recognition of the loss, the
relationship, the grief
(Rando 1988)
Physical Factors
C. Physical Factors
1. Drugs and sedatives
2.
Nutrition
3.
Rest and sleep
4. Physical health
5.
Exercise
(Rando)
Complicated Grief
“There is a pain -- so utter --”
Bone by Bone…
“There is a pain -- so utter -It swallows substances up-Then covers the Abyss with trance
So Memory can step
Around--across-upon it-As one within a swoon
Goes safely--where an open eye-Would drop him -- Bone by Bone”
Emily Dickinson
Complicated Grief Reactions
Chronic: prolonged; no real sense of
progress toward readjusting to life
without the lost
Delayed: Grief is inhibited,
suppressed, or postponed -- can
surface later in an excessive reaction
Or …
Exaggerated: Excessive and
disabling. May lead to phobia,
physical or psychiatric symptons; or
aberrant or maladaptive behavior
Masked: Individuals experience
symptoms or behaviors (including
complete absence of grief) that cause
them difficulty but that they do not
recognize as related to the loss.
Disenfranchised Grief
Grief is exacerbated when it is
“disenfranchised.”
Ken Doka notes 3 primary ways grief
can be disenfranchised: “either the
relationship or the loss or the griever
is not recognized.” (Doka 1989b)
Complicating factors
Relationship not recognized
Invisibility
Hypervisibility
Exacerbated trauma
Rejection/Denial
Community Bereavement
Both a positive (as losses are shared
and mourned together) and an extra
dimension to personal loss -- as the
community itself is diminished by
multiple losses and strained under
“chronic grief”…
Chronic Mourning:
Multiple, ongoing losses and
traumas experienced by an
individual or a community
with the expectation of more
to come:
Such as
hate crimes against a particular
group, war zones, environmentally
damaged areas, public health
disasters, familial health patterns,
locales where violent crime is
frequent
Need for Social Support
Complicating Grief
“The very nature of disenfranchised
grief creates additional problems for
grief, while removing or minimizing
sources of support” (Doka)
Exacerbated Grief
“Studies document that a deficit in
social support has been associated
with poor outcomes in bereavement
as measured by the person’s health in
the first year after the loss of a loved
one, and that an absence of social
support is directly related to continued
high distress two years after the death
of a significant other. … (Shernoff)
Resilience
“… continued social, political, and
cultural activity appears to foster
resilience and help the community
fend off feelings of despair and
helplessness.” (Dworkin & Kaufer)
What Can We Do?
Learn & Listen Aggressively
Validate, Accept, & Honor
Hug
Participate in the rituals and in the
political activism