Child Sexual Abuse:
understanding the
non-offending parent
Robert G Tucker
rgtucker@tiscali.co.uk
RGT Training & Consultancy
Find on
linkedin.com
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Have you ever ....
• …been perplexed by the reactions
of victims, mothers or other
family members?
• …wondered why family members
have responded as they have?
• …felt frustration at
understanding or communicating
with a non-protective parent?
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Common questions about the
non-offending partner
• Did they know?
• Were they involved?
• Why didn’t they know that something
was happening to their child?
• Why did their child not tell them?
• Why do some partners not believe their
child’s allegations?
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Key Theme of Presentation
• Understanding how abusers sexually
offend & how they think & behave can ….
…help us make sense of the reactions of
victims / survivors and their non-offending
parents.
…offer signposts and clues in families where
abuse is suspected
… help us think about our intervention
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What do we know?
• Offenders come from all ages &
backgrounds
• Majority are male
• One-third are adolescents
• Offenders are almost always someone who
is known to the child and the family.
• 80% of children who are sexually abused do
not inform the authorities (Grubin, 1998).
• Sexual abuse is rarely a one-off, impulsive5
incident.
Context & the
Criminal Justice System
• Research suggests many convicted
sex offenders return to live with
their partners & children, or state a
wish to do so
• It also suggests many others move
into new family situations
(Fisher & Beech 1998; Owen & Steele 1991; Beech,
Fisher & Beckett 1998; Maletzky & Steinhauser 1998;
Eccles & Walker 1998)
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Context & the civil courts
• Nationally (& internationally) 2% - 5% of
complaints of sexual assault by children
lead to a criminal conviction/caution
• So, most child sexual abuse is dealt with
in the civil/child protection system
• Partners of offenders or parents of
children who have been sexually abused
are therefore placed in a key child
protection role
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Non-abusing partners
• Sexual abuse has a high negative impact on nonabusing partners
• Their needs are often ignored or overlooked
• They experience overwhelming emotions and
conflicts with child protection investigations
which they find difficult and intrusive
• Mother-child relationships are jeopardised
also by child’s behaviour problems and parent’s
exhaustion, insecurity and loss of confidence
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Non-abusing partners
• The professional community is often
ambivalent in its approach to mothers
and partners i.e. how could she not have
known?
• Mothers often pathologised
• Mothers rather than male offenders
often bear the brunt of interventions
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Child Sexual Abuse
How does it happen?
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Discussion: How Abuse Happens
1.
What motivates a person to sexually abuse a
child?
2. How does a person convince him/her self that
his / her abuse of children is acceptable?
3. How does a person create opportunities
whereby s/he can abuse children?
4. Why don’t children resist a person’s sexual
advances, or tell afterwards?
 Consider the influence of gender, religion,
culture or disability.
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Pre-conditions to Sexual
Offending (the 4 steps)
Step 1
Motivation to sexually offend
Step 2
Overcome internal inhibitors
Step 3
Overcome external inhibitors
Step 4
Overcome victim resistance
Finkelhor (1986) Child Sexual Abuse: New Theory & Research
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How Abuse Happens – Step 1
What motivates a person to sexually abuse a child?
•
•
•
•
•
Motivation
•
•
Step 1
Motivation
•
•
Emotional congruence to children
Sexual arousal to children
Blockage to adult relationships
Emotional loneliness
Need for affection, closeness,
intimacy
Belief there is no other way of
obtaining this pleasure
Poor impulse control or desire to
impose controls
Revenge – for rejection or for own
abuse
Desire for power and control,
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Money
How Abuse Happens – Step 2
How does a person convince him/herself that
his/her abuse of children is acceptable?
“ S/he’s enjoying it …. It won’t cause any
harm… Kids like sex …I have a right…Women
are tarts…Damn the consequences… I wasn’t
getting sex from my wife… It just happened…
we have a special relationship… “I’ll only touch
him, it won’t hurt her…. It didn’t hurt me”
Step 1
Step 2
Overcoming
internal
inhibitors
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How Abuse Happens – Step 3
How does a person create opportunities
whereby s/he can abuse children?
Grooming the non-offending
parent
“I’ll gain her trust
Make myself indispensable
Help out with childcare
Make sexual play seem innocent
and normal”
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Overcoming
external
inhibitor
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Grooming & Disempowering others
• I would say - “you go
out I’ll baby-sit”
• Tell my wife she
couldn’t cope with him
• I would just ignore
her
• She could see we were
just having a laugh
• I told her that I
found it easier to talk
to kids
• She wouldn’t dare to
try to stop me
• I encouraged her when
she wanted to go out
to work
• I encouraged her to go
to Bingo
• I beat her up & raped
her
• I made her feel sorry
for her & ‘mother’ me
• I was the first man to
treat her kindly
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How Abuse Happens – Step 4
Why don’t children resist a person’s sexual
advances, or tell afterwards?
“I’ll tell them it’s a game
I’ll get them used to touch on their privates
Give them lots of attention
Give them a present
Frighten them – ‘you will be taken away
from mum
Use force if they say “No ”
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Overcoming
victim
resistance
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Implanted thinking errors
Offender says…
“I love you”
“You like it”
“You began the game”
“You could have said no”
“you’re special”
“Your vagina is wet / penis is
erect”
“I wont do it again”
“If you tell it will kill mum”
“Tell & you’ll be sent away”
Tell & we’ll be in trouble”
Child thinks…
This is love
I must have asked for it
I did, it’s my fault
I could have but didn’t
This is being special
I must have wanted it
He did – don’t trust men
It might
I’ll be sent away, I’m bad
I’m as responsible as him
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Consider the implications for caring for children
Child’s comments
Question in treatment - How did dad
manage to keep it a secret?
“He would say ‘you have to keep it a
secret. This game is our secret. Only you
and me know. I just thought it was alright
if dad did it. I didn’t know it was wrong. I
liked the attention. Sometimes I had a
nice feeling when it happened. A tingly
feeling”
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Received Messages & Distortions
Messages
sent by
abuser…
…………………………
…………………………
…………………………
…
Distorted
Messages
received
by nop
..............
..............
.........
Messages
sent by
nonoffending
parent
…………………………
…………………………
………………….
Distorted
Messages
received by
child
………………………
………………………
………
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abuser
Non-offending parent
child
Wrong messages & distorted beliefs Keith got
from the abuse by his mother
Messages sent by mum
Messages received by the young Keith
• “this is only a game”
• “it’s Ok to to play these
games with mum
• “anyone can do it”
• “if you tell the boogie
man will get you”
• “keep it our little
secret”
• she would say things
like ‘you’re my favourite
son”
• “if you tell you will go
into care”
“mum touching me is a fun game”
“sex with mum is OK / normal”
“I don’t want the boogie man so I won’t tell”
“I love secrets – just me and mum know – great”
“mum likes me when I do these things.
Sex = being special”
“I don’t want to go into care – I won’t tell”
“I liked the feelings – I must have wanted it”
“touching privates is a way to feel nice.
“ “touching privates is a way of getting attention
& love”
“Can’t get love except by touching privates”
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Working with the
Non-offending partner
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Do Partners Know?
– Spectrum post allegations
Knew
something was
going on but
not “that"
Didn't know
anything
"Active Collusion"
- knowing CSA but
convincing self
nothing going on
"Passive Collusion" wondering, suspecting
CSA but nothing to
confirm that
Offending
(Independently)
Co-offending Active
participation
(Willingly / Under
Coercion)
... which must be considered within the context of the offender
grooming her out of a position to protect.
Ref: Jenny Still
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Empathy Exercise
• Take 5 minutes to imagine that an allegation
has been made against your partner or person
you love & trust totally. Would you believe it?
• What would the costs be in believing it
happened?
• What are the consequences for:
– your life
– your identity
– your family life
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Denial is normative
“A normal and functional
defence mechanism that
allows us to protect
ourselves against something
that is painful and
distressing”
(The American Psychiatric Assoc. 1994)
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Put the denial into context
• For many women, the consequences of
totally believing all of the allegations and
the true extent of the abuse can have
dire potential consequences.
• Only some non-abusing parents have the
perfect child protection response:
remove the offender and totally and
consistently believe and support the
child
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Functions of Denial for NOP’s
What are the consequences of accepting that
their partner abused their child?
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Meaning of their relationship?
Loss of relationship
Loss of a parent
Fear of stigma
Loss of self esteem
Bad parent
Bad sexual partner – jealously, why her and not
me?
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• Loss of income, security & help
The impact of denial on
professionals
• Denial can provoke an assumption that she is
“unsafe” as a protecting parent
• Can give rise to suspicion that she has
something to hide – a greater
awareness/involvement/collusion in the abuse
• Can create hostility between her and “the
authorities”
• Can cause tension between professionals
• Can trigger your emotions
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FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
 Risk factors associated
with the perpetrator
 Risk factors for the nonoffending partner
 Risk factors associated
with family
 Risk factors associated
with the child
 Social network risk factors
 Treatment system risk
Factors
 Protective factors in
non-offending partner
Child
Sexual
Abuse
 Protective factors in
child
Abuse-related
Stress
 Family system
protective factors
 Social network
protective factors
 Treatment system
protective factors
Psychological effects of child sexual abuse
Traumagenic Dynamics
Behavioural Problems
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The Importance of the Nonoffending
• Numerous empirical studies suggest that
in cases of child sexual abuse the ability
of the non-abusing partner to provide
support following disclosure may be the
most critical factor influencing the child’s
post-abuse psychological adjustment and
recovery.
• (Ref: Adams – Tucker 1998, Conte & and Schuerman 1987; Everson et
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al1989; Davenport et al 1993; Ruggiero et al 2000)
Issues to consider when working with
NOP – The Offender Jenny Still
• What kind of offender has she been on the
receiving end of?
• What was / is the nature of her relationship with
offender?
• Any indications of the offender’s distorted
thinking?
• Where is she on the spectrum of ‘not knowing’?
• Any evidence of co-offending?
• Current perceptions and structure of denial?
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Issues to consider when working
with NOP – The child Jenny Still
• Reactions to child at the time of
allegation
• Could the child tell her?
• Reactions to child post allegation?
• Feelings about the abuse to the child?
• Can recognise needs of child and
provide support?
• Can she hear more?
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Issues to consider when working
with NOP – Personal issues
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Ability to process & integrate information
Emotional literacy & regulation
General coping skills / deficits
Mental health issues
Substance misuse
Unresolved trauma / attachment history
Non-cooperative / oppositional history
Parenting skills / deficits
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What are we assessing the nonoffending partner for? Jenny Still
• Risk, child protection & significant harm
• Is s/he ‘safe’. Is s/he a non-offending parent?
• What, if anything needs to change?
• How can that best be achieved, empowering
him/her for the future?
• What does s/he want or need in terms of
support, info & ‘treatment’
• Planning of resources.
Consider all this in the context of offender knowledge.
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Remember - She is not the offender!
What might she need to know?
Source: Jenny Still LFF
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
His excuses to offend
His distorted thinking
His target group(s)
Why did he choose me / my child?
Who did he abuse?
The nature & extent of his sexual arousal
Grooming / manipulative tactics
The nature and extent of the abuse
Post-abuse grooming and manipulation 37
Needs of caregivers
• Info about the impact • Advice on boundaries,
of abuse on children
rules & routines
• Advice on strategies
to help child with any
trauma symptoms
• Info about sex
offending dynamics &
links to offender’s
patterns
• Opportunity to
process feelings
associated with abuse
• Advice on open
communication
• Advice on re-parenting /
attachment strategies
• Advice on the needs of
siblings / relatives & how
to engage their support
• Advice & strategies on
future protection needs
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•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Typical Areas of Non Offending
Partner Programmes
What is sexual abuse?
Impact on victims
Denial
Info on sex offenders
How abuse happens
Impact on partner
How to communicate with
children about abuse
• What are normal family
relationships?
• My family patterns?
• Opening up family
communications
• Escaping grooming
• Has offender
changed?
• Are my children
vulnerable?
• Building a support
network
• Alert signs & high risk
situations
• Protective strategies
• Responding to abuse
• Contract for new 39
family life
Risk issues and what outcomes
we are working towards
• The partner informing the authorities
as soon as she becomes aware of signs
of abuse
• The partner co-operating with the
authorities
• The partner complying with childprotection agreements
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Risk issues and what outcomes
we are working towards
• The partner not being fearful
• The partner no longer being dependent
• The partner no longer isolated
• The partner acknowledging that the
abuser/suspected abuser may pose a
potential risk to the children
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Risk issues and what outcomes
we are working towards
• The partner managing any mental health or
alcohol/drug issues
• The partner having overcome trauma issues
• The partner maintaining reasonable objectivity
• The partner being able to problem solve
• The partner being self-assertive
• The partner demonstrating the
ability/motivation to learn
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Risk issues and what outcomes
we are working towards
• The partner being able to explain actual
or probable grooming process, with
regard to offences and or allegations
• The partner engaging with impact of
abuse on children, herself and others
• The partner identifying future signs of
risk, and ways of responding to risk
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Child Sexual Abuse
- Things to watch for
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Adult Behaviours to Watch for
Personal Space
• Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social,
emotional or physical boundariesi or limits?
• Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own
limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to
keep a child from setting a limit?
• Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling,
wrestling with or holding a child even when the
child does not want this contact or attention?
• Frequently walks in on children/teens in the
bathroom?
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Adult Behaviours to Watch for
Relationships with children
• Turns to a child for emotional or physical comfort by
sharing personal or private infor or activities?
• Secret interactions with teens or children (e.g. games,
sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends
excessive time to emailing, text or calling children
• Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time alone
with a child?
• Seems “too good to be true," i.e. frequently baby sits
different children for free; takes children on special
outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for
no apparent reason?
• Allows children or teens to consistently get away with
inappropriate behaviors?
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Adult Behaviours to Watch for
Sexual conversation or behaviour
• Frequently points out sexual images or tells
dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?
• Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or
images without apparent concern?
• Is overly interested in the sexuality of a
particular child or teen (e.g., talks repeatedly
about the child's developing body or interferes
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with normal teen dating)?
Warning Signs of Possible CSA
• Nightmares or sleep problems without an
explanation
• Distracted or distant at odd times
• Sudden change in eating habits e.g. refuses to
eat, drastic increase / loss of appetite, trouble
swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or
withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that provoke talk about sexual
issues
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Warning Signs of Possible CSA
• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or
places
• Refuses to talk about secret shared with adult or
older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without
reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
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• Adult-like sexual behaviors, language & knowledge
Signs for younger children
• An older child behaving like a younger child
(such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate
times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play
sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviours with toys or
stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to
toilet training
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Services from RGT
• Training for schools, social workers, substitute
carers & multi-agency professionals relating to ...
– Children & young people who have been
sexually abused / traumatised
– Children and young people who display
inappropriate or harmful sexual behaviours
– Communicating with children for the purpose of
core assessments
– And many more
• Assessment & intervention relating to sexual
abuse, trauma and harmful sexual behaviours
Contact via:
Visit at:
rgtucker@tiscali.co.uk
linkedin.com
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