“GASLIGHTING” &
TRAUMA:
the experiences of
partners of sex
addicts
Silvia V. Jason & Jennifer L. Graves
September 2011
About me
•
Became a psychologist in native Chile in 1994
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Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Texas in 2002
•
Certified Trauma Resolution Therapist (CTRT)
•
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)
•
Sex addiction practice “Healing & Hope”- Houston, TX women, men, couples
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Partner Trauma Model
Gaslighting: theory & research
Clinical Implications
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Neglected,
Misunderstood,
And even
Harmed.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Family of
Origin
Issues
Partner
Trauma
Reactions
Gender /
Cultural
issues
Codependency
Empathy failure
What has been missing:
Partner as primary client:
•
Focus on her issues.
•
Her recovery is crucial for her as an
individual.
•
Her recovery becomes as important
as the addict’s.
•
Her recovery is crucial for the
survival of relationship.
•
Her first commitment is with herself
and her own recovery, not with
supporting the addict’s recovery.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
What has been missing:
Partner Trauma =
Sex addiction as
Trauma Stressor for
the Partner
Sex Addiction, both before and
after the crisis of discovery,
creates a traumatic injury in the
Partner’s sense of self and frame
of reference.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
What has been missing:
Integrated approach:
•
Multi-causality
•
Gender influences
•
Diversity: not everybody
present same symptoms
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
What has been missing:
Empowerment
"The first principle of recovery is the
empowerment of the survivor. She must be the
author and arbiter of her own recovery.”
-- Judith Lewis Herman
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Partner as protagonist.
Partner Trauma Recovery Model
Love/Relationship
Addiction
Family of Origin:
Dysfunctional
relationships
Past trauma
Partner Trauma
Survival
Responses:
Recent
and
Long-standing
Gender
Influences
Five Core Symptoms of
Codependency
Other issues:
Addictions
Mental health
problems
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Partner Trauma Recovery Model
•
Essence of Trauma: the abrupt disintegration of one’s
inner world (Janoff-Bulman, 1992).
•
Trauma affects the individual’s basic personal identity
including their values, beliefs, and reality.
•
“Large T” vs. “Small T” Trauma
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“large T” trauma – a specific event such as rape, war combat, a
natural disaster, or torture
•
“small T” trauma – a series of upsetting experiences with a
common theme, such as being lied to repeatedly, that cumulatively
build to create a traumatic experience
relational
trauma
shattered
inner
world
{
life
crisis
PARTNER
TRAUMA
emotional
trauma
sexual
trauma
Partner Trauma Recovery Model
Five Dimensions of Partner Trauma
•
relational trauma – Attachment Injury - includes the violation of trust,
dishonesty, infidelity, or betrayal of any intimate relationship.
•
life crisis – trauma symptoms - “Large T” Trauma – individual,
impactful traumatic events: Discovery & Disclosure.
•
sexual trauma - symptoms akin to sexual abuse – affecting self image
and partner’s sexuality
•
shattered inner world – trauma threatens beliefs about self, partner,
intimate relationships
•
emotional trauma – “Small T” Trauma - includes patterns of denial of
reality and emotional abuse used by the addict to protect the
addiction.
Partner Trauma Recovery Model
Partner Trauma:
Entryway to Treatment
Silvia Jason © 2011
Gaslighting
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
1944 mystery-thriller film
Director: George Cukor
{
Writer: Patrick Hamilton
(play) 1938
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslight (1944)
“A story that reveals a man’s secret and
unholy desires…
… and probes into the strange emotional
depths of one woman’s
heart.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
What is Gaslighting?
Refers to a variety of insidious techniques that
cause people to question their perceptions, their
memory, and their own grip on reality.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Definition of Gaslighting (Dorpat 1996)
•
•
An individual (or group of individuals) attempts
to influence the mental functioning of a second
individual by causing the latter to doubt the
validity of his or her judgments, perceptions,
and/or reality in order that the victim will more
readily submit his will and person to the
victimizer.
Two Characteristics:
•
•
One person attempts to control the feelings,
thoughts, or activities of another.
The practice is carried out covertly.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Definition of Gaslighting (Engel 2002)
A partner who does this may continually deny
that certain events occurred or that he or she said
something you both know was said, or he or she
may insinuate that you are exaggerating or lying.
In this way, the abusive person may be trying to
gain control over you or to avoid taking
responsibility for his or her actions…. It is
sometimes used… as a way to justify their own
inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behavior.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007)
The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between
two people:
•
The gaslighter:
• has an agenda
• keep a secret
• meet his needs to be right
• be in control
• keep his power in the relationship
• takes action to cover up behaviors
• he does not want his partner to discover his
intentions
Silvia Jason © 2011
Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007)
•
The gaslightee:
•
•
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•
•
•
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allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality
she idealizes him
seeks his approval
wants to believe him
wants his love and protection
she's reluctant to blame him for it or to see him
differently
she'd rather preserve her romantic image of the
perfect husband.
Silvia Jason © 2011
Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007)
•
The gaslighter needs to be right, the gaslightee needs to win his
approval, and so the gaslighting goes on.
•
When confronted with an issue that threatens his agenda, Gaslighter
reacts by trying to control the feelings, thoughts or actions of
Gaslightee.
•
•
•
•
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denying issue: it’s her imagination
other explanations
a plot to hide her own actions
or the perception of a woman in need of psychiatric help
her suspicion, lack of trust and accusations are the actual issues causing
the couple to have distance in the first place.
Silvia Jason © 2011
Definition of Gaslighting (Stern 2007)
•
In so doing, the Gaslighter pressures the victim
into accepting the Gaslighter’s judgment, and
causes the Gaslightee to doubt her own
perceptions and judgments.
•
This is all done covertly and is not explicitly
hostile, abusive, or coercive.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Examples of Gaslighting
•
If a wife were to ask her husband if he is having an
affair, a textbook Gaslighter response would go
something like this: “How could you believe I would
ever have an affair? You must be preoccupied with an
affair yourself! You’re just being suspicious!”
•
The Gaslighter has denied the issue, accused her of
trying to hide her own actions, and is blaming her for
the problems in the relationship.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Examples:
•
“When you accuse me of things that I pride myself
with always upholding, it makes me not want to be
around you!”
•
“That's what our distance and unhappiness is all
about, right there! You are always thinking I'm
having an affair!”
•
“Your disbelief in me is what has come between
us!”
•
“If you could just believe in me, everything would
be the way it was before.”
Silvia Jason © 2011
From a Partner:
“My husband used to look at
women when we were out, and
say ‘What is SHE wearing?!’. He
lead me to believe that he was
disapproving of, or shocked by,
what women wear in public now
days. Years later, during
disclosure, he confessed he did
this to be able to look at women
without me complaining about it”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
•
Husband’s behavior: sexualizing other women in public.
•
His agenda: to continue doing it and to avoid conflict with partner.
•
When confronted, he admits he was looking, but says “he is not enjoying the
view, he is just shocked”.
•
Confirms part of wife’s perception, but lies about his motivation.
•
Partner believes his explanation, there is a grain of truth in the story.
•
•
•
•
•
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he is not denying he is looking
some women do dress to get attention
he is being honest after all
he is as shocked as I am by women’s outfits
even though I’d rather him not to look at other women, at least he doesn’t do
it out of lust
He has manipulated partner’s reality.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Our research:
“Gaslighting” and Trauma: the
Experiences of Partners of Sex Addicts
Our Research questions:
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How do sex addicts utilize gaslighting?
•
What is the impact of gaslighting on partners,
particularly as it relates to trauma?
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Dimensions of Gaslighting
(Jason & Graves 2011)
•
Deception - to cause to accept as true or valid what is
false or invalid; to give a false impression
•
Coercion - to compel to an act or choice; to achieve by
force or threat
•
Manipulation - to control or play upon by artful, unfair,
or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Dimensions of Gaslighting
(Jason & Graves 2011)
•
Mind Games - a psychological tactic used to manipulate or
intimidate
•
Brainwashing - a forcible indoctrination to induce someone
to give up basic beliefs and attitudes and to accept
contrasting ideas; persuasion by propaganda or
salesmanship
•
Reality Manipulation – attempts to convince others
through manipulation that what they perceive or believe in
is inaccurate or untrue.
Our Research Design
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Survey targeted at the partners of sex addicts.
•
•
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57 Questions
Mostly Open-Ended
Demographics, Addiction and Treatment Info, Interactions and Experiences
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Emailed an invitation to many people in the COSA /
SAA community in Houston via various list-servs.
•
Hard copies were given during workshops, therapy
sessions, and support group meetings.
•
At least forty-two partners started the survey and
twenty-four completed the survey in its entirety.
•
Our data comes from these 24 completed surveys.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Demographics
Sex
Male
0% (n=0)
Female
100% (n=24)
Race
White/Caucasian
87.5% (n=21)
Black/African-American
4.2% (n=1)
Hispanic/Latino
8.3% (n=2)
Asian-American
0% (n=0)
Other
0% (n=0)
Household Income
Below $20,001
0% (n=0)
$20,001 - $40,000
4.2% (n=1)
$40,001 - $60,000
20.8% (n=5)
$60,001 - $80,000
4.2% (n=1)
$80,0001 - $100,000
16.7% (n=4)
Over $100,000
54.2% (n=13)
Education
Less Than HS
0% (n=0)
HS or GED
4.2% (n=1)
Some College
8.3% (n=2)
College Degree
50% (n=12)
Graduate Degree
37.5% (n=9)
Age
Mean: 47.13
Length of Partner’s SA Awareness
Mean: 6.3 Years
Percentage of Respondents in Treatment
75% (n=18)
Gaslighting Is Very Common!
Behavior
Percentage of Respondents Who Agree
Deception
91.3% (n=21)
Coercion
50% (n=12)
Manipulation
87.5% (n=21)
Playing Mind Games
83.3% (n=20)
Brainwashing
50% (n=12)
Reality Manipulation
62.5% (n=15)
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Respondents’ Experiences
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Redirecting Blame
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Imagination and Faulty Thinking
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Needs Psychiatric Help
•
Character Flaws
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Respondents’ Experiences
Partner’s Problems: Redirecting Blame
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“He has the ability to turn anything around back at me and
confuse me.”
“When I would question him about his behavior he
would become angry, defensive and focus blame on me.”
“He would twist things around and try to say that
whatever he was doing, I was doing.”
“My husband would get angry with me if I didn't want
to have sex and start to blame me for his behavior.”
“He would try to turn things around on me and make it
my fault.”
“When he feels guilt or shame for things he has done, he
is good at shifting the focus off of him and putting blame and
doubt of myself into my head.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Respondents’ Experiences
Partner’s Problems: Imagination & Faulty Thinking
•
•
•
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“He tried to make me think that he had stopped
[acting out] and all of this was in my imagination.”
“He used to tell me my feelings were wrong, that my
emotions were faulty and that I had bizarre thinking.”
“He would tell me I was crazy…. That I was wrong and
all men did these things.”
“[He made] me think that my perceptions of reality were
not real.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Respondents’ Experiences
Partner’s Problems: Needs Psychiatric Help
•
He was always “telling me I had problems and I needed to
see a therapist.”
•
“[My partner would tell me] that I’m the problem… and
I need to work a better program.”
•
He told me I needed to “work my steps.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Respondents’ Experiences
Partner’s Problems: Character Flaws
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“My partner left the country with the company's
accountant because he said she was terminal and wanted
to give her the time of her life. He said I was being selfish
for not letting him go.”
“He convinced me I was unreasonable/insecure to not want
him to associate socially with his ex-wife.”
“He tried to convince me that my feelings of something
being ‘not quite right’ were about me and my problems of
trust.”
“I am shrill and blaming so that gives him a ‘right’ to act
out.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Respondents’ Experiences
Partner’s Problems: Character Flaws
“So as not to smell like smoke from a bar, my husband
would change clothes to go to a bar and change back into
what he wore that morning to come back home in. He
would also take a shower at work if necessary before he
came home. This had me convinced that since he worked in
an unairconditioned metal building much of the day but
didn’t smell when he came home, that I had some unusual
problem with body odor because I would smell… [if I] did
anything outside even though I slathered on deodorant
every morning.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Effects of Gaslighting (Stern 2007)
Anxiety
Confusion
Doubting Own Memory & Perception
Second Guessing Reality
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Three Stages:
1.
Disbelief - thinking she has misunderstood, or that the gaslighter
didn't really mean it.
2.
Defense - she starts defending herself. Search for evidence to prove
gaslighter wrong and argue with him obsessively, often in her head,
desperately trying to clear things up.
3.
Depression - exhausted, overwhelmed, worn out. Discard own
reality.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Effects of Gaslighting
Gaslighting  “Small T” Trauma
•
•
•
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“They [his deceptions] didn't make sense. Sometimes he was
convincing and I felt like I was going crazy.”
“To think that I trusted someone and could have been so
completely fooled by them is scary. It makes me doubt myself and
doubt my judgment, which I used to think was pretty good.”
“He belittled me by telling me that I was rude to other people. I
believe now that he did that to try to change my behavior. He
did this to me countless times…. I still struggle with trying to
figure out if I am rude or not.”
“He blamed me and my actions in other areas when he acted
out, like I was not sexual enough. I truly came to believe that I was
not good enough sexually and that my sexuality was my only valuable
commodity.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Effects of Gaslighting
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Partners frequently utilized words similar to those used by trauma
victims such as anger, devastation, betrayal, shock, guilt, sadness,
powerlessness, and shame to describe how they felt after being
gaslighted.
•
•
•
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“[After his deception] I felt betrayed, hurt, angry, and shame.”
“I was completely shocked and devastated and also angry at him
for lying.”
“I was angry…. Felt hopeless and disempowered by his insistence
that these behaviors were harmless.”
Some respondents even utilized words like abused or threatened.
•
•
“I felt abused, stupid, like I set myself up.”
“I felt scared, threatened, sad, alone.”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Clinical Implications
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting as part of Addiction
Process
•
Active addiction involves a degree of gaslighting.
Emotional abuse (Carter, 1989):
•
•
•
•
1% intentional
20% semiconscious – defense mechanism
Most people – occasionally, unconsciously,
unintentionally
The process of gaslighting results in symptoms for the
gaslightee.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting and Partners Recovery
Partners need to heal from Gaslighting
trauma:
•
•
•
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Identify past gaslighting episodes.
Identify the patterns of gaslighting in relationship.
Identify situations in which gaslighting is more likely to happen.
Identify things Partners say or do before and during gaslighting
incidents.
• Identify power plays or manipulative actions before and during
gaslighting incidents.
• Identify the ways Partners seek gaslighter’s approval and insist on
his reassurance.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting and Partners Recovery
• Partners need to learn strategies to handle
Gasligthing incidents.
• Partners need help and support through the
process.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting and Sex Addicts Recovery
Sex Addicts Individual Recovery:
•
•
•
Changing Behavior
Changing Thinking
Healing Emotional Impact on Self
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting and Sex Addicts Recovery
•
It is NOT just the gaslightee that is harmed by gaslighting –
the gaslighter is hurt, too.
•
Addicts need to address the impact of gaslighting on
themselves.
•
Specifically, sex addicts that gaslight their partners in an effort
to hide or deny their addiction experience a form of selfinduced trauma.
→ Acting out outside of own value system shatters own core
assumptions and beliefs about Self
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Healing Impact on Relationship
•
Acknowledgement of Partner Trauma as part of recovery.
•
Address the impact of gaslighting on their partners.
•
Relationship recovery:
Trust rebuilding process based on:
Honesty – Accountability – Empathy
•
Addict needs to develop empathy towards the partner.
•
Make commitment to stop engaging in gaslighting behaviors.
•
And make amends for prior gaslighting.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting and Sex Addicts Recovery
→ Addicts need help and support through the
process.
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Workshop for Partners
2 one-day workshops - 31 women
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Movie
Discussion
Gaslighting Theory & Research
Effects of Gaslighting
Types of Gaslighters
Risk Factors & Traps
Gaslighting and Sex Addiction Recovery
Keeping your life Gaslight-free
What to do when in “Gaslighting danger”
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Workshop for Sex Addicts
1 two-day workshop - 10 men
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Movie
Discussion
Gaslighting Theory & Research
Effects of Gaslighting
Understanding the Gaslighter
Why do I do it?
How do I change?
Healing the impact of Gaslighting on
relationship
Healing the impact of Gaslighting on self:
Gaslighting as trauma for the addict
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Gaslighting and Recovery
Gaslighting – relevant concept
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Framework to understand Partners experience
→ acknowledgment and validation
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Reframes / normalizes relationship dynamics
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Facilitate Healing for Partners
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Facilitate Healing for Addicts
→ identify tools to address problem
•
Potential interventions
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Q&A
Silvia Jason, LMFT, CSAT© 2011
Thank You