Institute for Biblical & Scientific Studies
www.bibleandscience.com
By
Dr. Stephen Meyers
Keys to Marriage
Keys to Parenting
Quiz
Resources
My wife and I are complete and total opposites. We did
not realize this until after we were married. Opposite
personalities tend to gravitate together. If the husband
and wife are both very dominate, then the marriage will
probably not last long unless they can resolve their
conflicts. Outgoing personalities fit well with introverts.
We look for traits in a partner that will compliment or
balance us out.
The very things that attracted me to my wife
became the very things that caused conflict in
the marriage. The conflicts can be used to
polish off the rough spots in our personalities.
I’m cold, she is hot. She wants the window
opened. I want it closed. She wants the fan
on, I want it off.
The more your background is different from your spouse
the more problems there are to adjust too. There are
differences between rich, poor, educated, uneducated,
rural, city, black, white, and North, South. Age
differences can cause problems. The divorce rate is
higher for those who have a five year or more age
difference.
The way I was raised was very different than the way my
wife was raised. I come from a strict fundamentalist
Baptist background. We did not go to the movies for they
supported wicked Hollywood movies.
Another big factor is that there are
major biological and psychological
differences between men and women.
There is an excellent book entitled,
Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus by John Gray, Ph.D. (published
by HarperCollins, 1992). This book
points out the differences and shows
how to improve your relationship.
I remember going on a trip overseas. I thought I
would not have any problems adjusting, but I did.
It was not the big things, but the little unexpected
things. The same it true in marriage. She squeezes
the toothpaste from the middle, I squeeze it from
the end. She puts it right side up, and I put it
upside down.
My wife and I both had unrealistic
expectations. She expected lots of cards and
flowers, and I expected lots of sex. Since we
were both Christians, we thought we would
have no problems. My wife thought our
children would be perfect angels.
Your family background is so influential
that subconsciously, the girl will look for
a husband that is like her father, and the
boy will look for a wife that is like his
mother.
There is a wide spread myth that there is just one Mr.
Right for my life. After the honeymoon is over, you wake
up and realized I married Mr. Wrong. The truth is that
there is no perfect soul mate. As soon as you marry him,
you find out that he was not so perfect after all. Should I
marry someone else? The grass always looks greener on
the other side. The other side usually turns out much
worse.
Let's suppose you do divorce to find Mr. Right or
someone better. It is highly likely you will marry the same
personality type again because opposites do attract.
The time that you must and should separate or divorce is
if there is spousal abuse.
After marriage women want to change
their man, while men want their women
to stay the same!
Trying to improve your man will be very
difficult if not impossible. The only thing
you can change for sure is yourself.
There is an interesting book entitled,
What You Can Change & What You Can't
by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D.
(published by Knopf, 1993). Most of the
time we end up trying to change the
things we really can not change.
Communication is the key to keeping your
marriage great. Women assume the guy knows
what they are thinking and feeling, but in really
men don’t have a clue. We a very stupid when
it comes to understanding what women want.
Men are like a dog who needs to be trained.
Women must tell them what they want, or they
will end up harboring resentment inside which
will eventually boil over. There is cognitive
communication and emotional communication.
Women want more communication of feelings.
Couples are going to have disagreements and fights. When you do fight it
must be fare. Airing a complaint can be healthy for a marriage. Working out
your differences is key to a good marriage. Negativity is a killer.
1.
2.
3.
4.
Criticism vs. factual complaint
Contempt (insults, mockery)
Defensiveness (denial, excuses)
Stonewalling (silent, withdrawn)
4 keys in fighting fare
1.
2.
3.
4.
Calm down, take deep breaths.
Speak non-defensively, not screaming at each other
Validation: Listen, let her know you understand
Overlearning: Try again
Avoid “always or never” You always
come home late. You never take out the
garbage. Have fair fights. Work out
your problems. There is no perfect
marriage.
Most couples know the hot buttons to push to get
their partner upset. Many will bring up the past.
Forgiveness is key.
We all need encouragement. He who
pulls himself up by putting others
down, has a very poor foundation.
What men need is sex, sex, sex. In the distance is
their stomach and sports. Sex is how men feel and
show love. Why? Testosterone! Men’s bodies,
especially during the teen years are producing a
lot of testosterone that makes them act the way
they do. The first girl to come by in a miniskirt
and they are in love.
Women need love (not sex) and appreciation. For
my wife, the home is the extension of herself. If the
house is a mess, then she feels a mess. She wants
things fixed around the house. This will show that
you care about her.
Commitment is the key to marriage. If your
marriage is until love do us part, then love will
not last long. The feeling of being in love does
not last very long after the honeymoon.
Reality sets in and you wonder what you got
yourself into. True love is a commitment to
each other. Our feelings of love will go up and
down like a roller coaster. It is commitment
that will make the marriage last.
What is your Emotional
Intelligence?
There is an excellent book entitled,
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel
Goleman (published by Bantam,
1995). One may be smart
intellectually, but inept at handling
their emotions. This book gives
helpful insights.
Money is an area of struggles and fights.
In today’s world many husbands and
wives both must work to pay all the bills.
Having and raising children is very
expensive. College is very expensive. This
puts a lot of pressure on the family.
Management of money is key. There are
struggles over what to spend money on, or
not enough money to pay all the bills.
Beware of running up credit card bills.
Managing Your Money all-in-one for
Dummies book is a good resource.
Parenting
The myth of the perfect children.
My wife thought that since we were both
Christians and in Christian ministry, we would
have perfect children. The first baby who came
out screamed for several months, dashed these
dreams.
Each Child is Different
Each child has his unique personality. Therefore you can not rise
them exactly the same way.
3 Types of Children
1. The easy child
2. The slow to warm up child
3. The difficult child
The Way Kids Think
There is a very interesting book entitled, Kid Think by Dr. William Lee
Carter (published by Word, 1991). It deals with the six most common
behavioral problems with children. Another good book is Why Children
Misbehave : A Guide to Positive Parenting by Bruce Narramore
(Zonderzan, 1980).
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
The oppositional child
The sensitive child
The anxious child
The depressed child
The self-centered teenage
The deceitful child
Balance is the key. Not too
strict and not too lenient.
If I was going to err, it would be giving them too
much love. If you were not loved as a child, then
it is going to be hard for you to show love to
others. Unconditional love is the foundation for
the child’s relationships for the rest of his life. If
there is no love-bond relationship with the child,
the child will have problems later on in life. The
most important relationship in the family is the
marital relationship.
Systems Theory is a good way to
understand the dynamics of the family, the
way each member interacts with each
other. A good book is Systems Theory in
Action.
Many times the sins of the fathers (and mothers)
are repeated in their children. Children will do
what you do, not what you say. If you say don’t
smoke or drink and you smoke and drink then
your children will probably smoke and drink. It
seems that children pick up our bad habits.
The Family by John Bradshaw has some
interesting insights.
As parents we always seem to worry
about our children. We think it will get
better when they grow up, but when they
are teens there is more to worry about.
Don’t worry about things you can’t
change. Commit it to God. If you raised
them up well, then they have a good
foundation for life. As teenagers they will
not realize this until much later in life.
For teenage girls, age 14 is the peak year of
rebellion. It is when they may experiment with
drugs, sex and want a tattoo. The harder you tighten
the rope the more they will want loose. If you have
not already instilled good habits, it is most likely too
late to make big changes now. If only one parent is
raising the child, things are much more difficult. A
missing or absent father or mother for a child may
result in wayward teens. A teenage girl is more likely
to be promiscuous, if her father is absent.
Sometimes the mother may try to live her live out through her
daughter. The mother may enable the alcoholic father.
Codependency Traits
1. Driven by compulsion(s)
2. Bound by the way things are done in the dysfunctional family
3. Self-esteem is very low
4. Happiness hinges on others
5. Inordinately responsible for others
6. Relationship with spouse hurt
7. Denial & Repression
8. Worries about things they can’t change.
9. Life of extremes
10. Looking for something that is missing in their life.
More information in the book Love is a Choice by hemfelt,
Minirth, & Meier.
Those who abuse their children were most likely
abused by their parents.
A very young girl who is physically and sexually
abused may develop a multi-personality disorder.
This is her way of coping with the abuse.
In some Christian homes beatings are seen not as
abuse, but God’s way of discipline. Leaving marks
on a child is abuse.
I am concerned about Christian leaders who go around speaking a
conferences claiming to be experts on how to raise your children. One has
never been married and has no children, yet he has all the answers.
For example, if your daughter plays with a cabbage patch doll or a Barbee
doll, she will have psychological problems when she grows up. There is no
scientific evidence for this.
Another says start discipline of your baby by putting them on a strict feeding
program. Even if the baby cries do not feed them. Many babies have
become mal-nourished. This is abuse.
Another is not going to the hospital to have the baby, but have it at home.
This can be dangerous is something goes wrong.
Another is controversy is not vaccinating your children. The overwhelming
scientific evidence supports vaccination of children.
Faith Tabernacle Congregation in
Philadelphia does not believe in giving
medicine to children or adults. A
number of children died when they got
sick and medicine was refused.
Let your child go. For some that is not
soon even. After all the children leave the
house, there is an empty nest. There may
be loneliness. Many couples divorce
because they just stayed together for the
children.
Spend time together. Go out on a date.
Plan special trips. Enjoy the later years of
your life together.
5 stages of Grief
Denial: Denial that the person is gone.
Anger: Angry at God for taking the person away.
Bargaining: Bargaining with God. I will do this, if you do
that.
Depression: Depressed over the loss.
Acceptance: Acceptance of the loss.
See the book, On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Key Christian Textbook
Marriage and the Family: A Christian Perspective
by Stephen Grunlan