WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development
Series
Difficult Conversations
January 29, 2014
Samuel P. Jenkins, MBA
OD Consultant - Applied Leadership
Introductions/Review
• Anyone in the class who was not here last
week? If so, please introduce yourself, tell us
your job, and what you’d like to get from the
training
• Everyone who was in the class last week – tell
us “one” thing that you learned/took away
from the first session
2
Communication Attributes
• Effective (per your exercise)
– Clarity
– Trustworthy/forthright
– Collaborative
– Stays on task
– Transparent/direct
– A good listener and speaker; eye contact
– Accessible
– Meets people where they are
– Not derogatory
3
Communication Attributes
• Ineffective (per your exercise)
– Petty/nick picker
– Bully/tyrant
– Condescending
– Rambles/mumbles
– Does not acknowledge needs of others/own
agenda
– Dominates the conversation
– Intimidates in voice and gestures
– Takes things personally
4
Factors That Can Aid or Hinder Communication
2011 Annette Veech, PhD
Recognition, Reward, or Blame?
• Authority
• Responsibility
• Control
• Emotions
• Expertise
• Culture
• Logistics
• Hand Offs
• Paper Trails
Power
Process
People
Unexpected
• Risk Level
• Support
• Outcomes
Effective Communication
Streamlined Competency Model*
 Lead by demonstrating expectations
 Plan ahead to manage risk
 Assess stakeholders’ perspectives (logical vs. emotional)
 Explain logic behind critical thinking, so all envision “one”
outcome
 Communicate strategically
 Focus on observable behaviors; avoid references to “attitude”
 Listen actively without building defense; rephrase others’
perspectives
 Use active voice for action; passive voice for bad news
*2011 Annette Veech, PhD
6
Effective Communication
Streamlined Competency Model*
 Manage the difficult moments
 Clarify purpose and intended outcomes
 Acknowledge feelings; ask variations of “five whys”
 Reiterate, precisely and concisely, benefits of next steps
and outcomes
*2011 Annette Veech, PhD
7
ASSERTIVENESS
Two Underlying Dimensions of Conflict-Handling
Behaviors
Competing
Collaborating
Compromising
Avoiding
Accommodating
COOPERATIVENESS
8
Ideas for Communicating Precisely and Concisely
Structure What
You Have to Say
• Compare to similar
information
• Present new
information
• “Chunk” the
information
• State the most
important
information first
• Frame
• Use “five hat racks”
(category, time,
location, alpha,
continuum
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Plan to Increase
Retention
Manage
Expectations
Prepare for
Objections
Simplicity
Surprise
Concreteness
Credibility
Emotion
Story
von Restorff
Effect (position
unique words,
concepts, images
at critical points
• Cost-benefit,
from all
perspectives
• Ockham’s Razor
(use the simplest
design)
• Scarcity (exclusive
information;
limited access,
time or number;
suddenness)
• Be aware of
cognitive
dissonance
(mental
discomfort causes
people to reduce
the importance
or add their own
spin)
• Apply progressive
disclosure (offer
details in layers,
to avoid overload
Sources: Universal Principles of Design, by W. Lidwell, K. Holden, & J. Butler. The first six points in column
two are drawn from Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point
Difficult Conversations
• Think of a conversation you had recently that
was particularly difficult
• Write down three/four attributes that were
present; ones that helped define the
conversation as difficult
• Discuss your answers in your small group,
create a composite and report to the larger
group
10
Difficult Conversations
• Your answers - attributes of a difficult
conversation
– Strong personality/forces agreement
– Not able to recognize something is wrong
– Not enough time to process
– High level of emotion/take it personal
– Unexpected events
– Don’t know the answer/lack of preparation
– Conflict not managed
– Power differential
11
Six Basic Types of Difficult Conversations*
• I have bad news for you
– Have to deliver unwelcome information
• You are challenging my power
– Boss thinks you put him/her on the spot
• I can’t go there
– Conflict averse; watch conversation/relationship
go south
*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate
12
Six Basic Types of Difficult Conversations
• You win/I lose
– Despite efforts to be cooperative; the other
party needs to come out on top
• What’s going on here?
– Intensely charged and extremely confusing
• I’m being attacked!
– On the offensive with accusations,
profanity, shouts, and perhaps worse
13
Three Basic Types of Hard Talk*
• Combat mentality
– The attitude that difficult conversations are
battles with winners/losers
• Heavy emotional loads
– Particularly anger, embarrassment, anxiety
and fear
• Hard to read what is happening
– Hard to read the others’ intentions
*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate
14
Difficult Conversations - Movie Clip
• Let’s revisit the movie Ordinary People
• In this scene Beth and Cal travel to see her brother
in Houston for a golf vacation
• Beth and Cal are having a great time, enjoying
each other and the company of family
• Remember last week, you recognized that:
– Issues have not been resolved
– There is emotional dishonesty
– Blame and shame
• Afterwards, we’ll relate the scene to “Hard Talk”
15
Difficult Conversations*
• Bearable vs. Toxic
• Three “misguided” slants on handling tough
conversations
– Oversimplifying tough conversations
• Pointing to “one thing” as the problem; subject/counterpart
– Win or lose mentality
• Win at my expense, payback; reluctance to back down or
repair
– Delusion of good intentions
• I meant well, so this hard conversation shouldn’t happen
*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate
16
Difficult Conversations*
• What’s wrong with what we (they) do?
– Each side thinks the trouble is the other side’s fault
– Our counterparts use “thwarting ploys” to get us
to back off
– We want to avoid confrontation
– Our own emotions are in the way
– Swing from pole to pole
– Stick to one old standby
– Resist skill
*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate
17
Difficult Conversations*
• The way through them:
– Self respect
– Respect for your counterpart
– Respect for the conversation itself
– Balance within
– Balance within the two sides
– Move through the conversational landscapes
– Open new possibilities
*2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate
18
Difficult Conversations
Let’s do some work from your Primers
19
Difficult Conversations
• Today I learned . . .
20
Back Up Charts
21
What Makes a Conversation “Pay Off”
• What you want
• What he/she wants
• The Goal: Make the future “better”
22
A “Good” Conversation, Albeit Difficult
• What is a good conversation?
• How you feel
• How he/she feels
• The Goal: Better understanding
23
What’s At Risk in Difficult Conversations
• Your view of who you are – and his/her view
• Your self-esteem – and his/her self-esteem
• Rejection
• Relationships
• Business outcomes
24
If You Are “On the Hook”
• Did you help create this problem?
• Did you forget to do something? Or did you do
something?
• What do you do with that “guilt”?
– Admit your part in the issue
– Tell him/her your perception about what part
he/she “owns”
– Try to get mutual understanding on the
problem
– Go forward to solve it
25
Elements of Conversations That Work
Techniques You Can Use
• Open-ended
• Summarizing
• Pausing
• Reflecting
26
Elements of Conversations That Work
• Concern for the other’s perspective
– Be curious – ask open-ended questions
– How does “it” look to him/her?
• Be an “impartial observer”
– Hold your perspective aside
– Be objective
– Non-judgmental
• Can both of you be right?
27
Elements of Conversations That Work
• Check your own feelings
– Am I afraid? Angry? Worried about how
“this looks”?
• Check out assumptions – yours and his/hers
– “I am right – you are wrong”
– “I will lose if this doesn’t go my way”
– “I (or you) want certain things . . . ”
– Ask open-ended questions
28
Elements of Conversations That Work
• State your perspective without judgment
– Go beyond “fact finding”
– Confirm perceptions, interpretations, values
– Avoid blame
– State “the obvious”
29
Elements of Conversations That Work
• Work towards commitment and understanding
• Avoid coercion
– You do not have to convince them
– You cannot control their reactions
30
Elements of Conversations That Work
• Once the problem is clear:
– Work together to solve problems
– Be a mediator
– Encourage a conversation so others will
follow
31
What Makes a Conversation NOT Work?
• Your own issues
• Assuming “bad” things
– Bad intentions – bad person
• Continuing when you should stop
• Not hearing the “un-said”
• Trying to control the conversation and/or
person
• Placing blame
32
Blaming vs. Assessing
JUDGING
UNDERSTANDING
ACCUSING
CHANGING
BACKWARD
FORWARD
33
How Can You Make Things Worse?
• Avoiding a conversation that is needed
• Telling others
• Being unapproachable
• Waiting for the other to change
• Holding assumptions
• Assigning motives
34
Does Timing Matter?
• What are the “right” circumstances?
• The “Hit and Run” approach
• Later vs. Now
• Your feelings (and theirs)
• Relevance
35
“Normal” Flow of a Conversation
• Pick the right moment
• Say “I’d like to talk”
• State the issue – from the “third-party” view
point
• Ask questions to clarify
• State your understanding, feelings, assumptions
• Admit your contribution
• Ask about his/her contribution
• Ask what he/she could do to change things
• Give and accept constructive feedback
36
• Focus on how to move forward
Remember . . .
• There are no casual conversations when you are a
manager
• Your words, tone, expression carry added weight
• Being “aware” is half the battle
• Awareness rests on:
– Assumptions
– Interactions
– Interpretations
– Reactions
37
Final Tips
• Understanding is not agreeing
• Recover your balance in conversations
(often)
• Don’t wait
• Have a long-term view – how do you want
this relationship to go?
38