Purposeful Leadership – Module 6
Having Hard Conversations (:90)
On headset with working mic
No headset, using chat box
Purposeful Leadership
Leadership
and Personal
Accountability
Emotional
Intelligence
Balancing
structure
and freedom
Leading
Change
Coaching
Opportunities
Hard
Conversations
They build on each other, AND
they stand alone
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Learning Objectives
• Identify a process and principles to
follow when having hard conversations
• Identify the tradeoffs for different approaches to
resolving conflict.
• Practice having a hard conversation that you feel
needs to occur with a friend/colleague/family
member, etc.
• Explain what it means for leaders to “confront
people with their freedom”
Agenda
• Who’s here and where are we going? (:10)
• Working thru Conflict (:10)
• Hard Conversations reasons, principles (:10)
• Hard Conversation Demo (:10)
• Hard Conversations practice (:15)
• Leadership, HC and Conflict in action (:30)
• Summary (:05)
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Writing on whiteboard in breakout rooms
Breakout Discussion
1.
In your breakout group, …..
2.
Read the quote and …..
3.
Summarize your thoughts using …..
Once you are in your breakout room
and the instructions slide is pushed out,
you will see a menu like above
where you can navigate to a blank
page and enter group discussion
Notes. Use this same menu to go back
and forth between the instructions slide
and your “notes” page.
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1.
In your breakout group, …..
2.
Read the quote and …..
3.
Summarize your thoughts using …..
Click on the drop down
menu then pick the
blank page you want
to go to jot down
thoughts/notes.
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other
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Conflict Resolution Options
H
“Compete”
W/L
1+1 = 1
Courage
“Compromise”
Wsome/Lsome
1+1 = 1.5
(your
needs)
L
“Collaborate”
W/W
1+1 = 5
“Avoid”
L/L
1+1 = 0
“Accomodate”
L/W
1+1 = 1
H
Consideration (their needs)
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Based on my own experience,
my primary approach to
resolving conflicts is…
A. Competing
B. Avoiding
C. Compromising
D. Accommodating
E. Collaborating
Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
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Resolving Conflicts
Productively - Overview
4
Explain your goal
and problem solve.
1
Manage
yourself first.
Am I ready
to have this
discussion?
2
Move to
neutral place.
Why don’t
we…?
3
Hear their side.
Let me
make sure
I understand
what
you want…
Did I get
that right?
What I’m trying
to do here is….
I think we can
find something
that works.
Let’s see what
we can come
up with…
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Three Good Reasons…
• To address an incident or troubling pattern
• To understand their story
• To express your feelings
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Hard Conversation
Scenarios
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments
Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive
comments
Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior
Approaching a boss who is breaking her own safety/quality standards
Critiquing a colleagues work
Confronting a colleague who is withholding information/resources
Giving an unfavorable performance review
Ending a relationship
Asking in-laws to quit interfering
Asking a friend to repay a loan
Asking a roommate to move out
Resolving custody or visitation issues with a spouse
Dealing with a rebellious teen
From Crucial Conversations: Tools For talking When Stakes Are High
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When Giving Tough
Feedback…
• Check your intent (if it is to “get even” or take someone
down a notch, don’t do it)
• Be specific (“you didn’t do a very good job” or even the
positive “you did a great job!” is not very helpful)
• Describe vs. label (“I was getting frustrated when you
interrupted Maria for the 3rd time in our meeting this morning”…
is better than “Why were you so rude to Maria today?”)
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When Receiving Tough
Feedback…
• Make sure you are ready
• Summarize to confirm your understanding (you
don’t have to agree, but you should at least make
sure you understand how the other person
perceives things)
• Treat it like a gift (say “thanks” if their intention
was to help and remember you get to decide
what to do with the gift)
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Hard Conversations –
Process
•
Find a neutral location to have the
conversation
1. Ask to collaborate
2. State your observations “This is the pattern I’m starting
to see..”
3. Explain why it concerns you (impact on you, the team
and/or organization)
4. Ask if your “story” is legit (“Is that fair?”)
5. Wait for their response
No
Ready
to own?
Move to
problem-solving
Yes
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Hard Conversations –
Practice
1. Decide who will be feedback “Giver”
2. Giver provides Receiver with some background/context
(“so here’s the situation…”)
3. Once receiver feels they have an understanding of “who
they are”/the status of the relationship, Giver starts
4. Receiver responds based on how well Giver does
5. After some discussion, discuss how it went and what you
noticed
6. Take :10 or so
* Don’t talk about the situation – Have the conversation *
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“I have never been a memo guy. I like to speak to
people in person. But face-to-face communication is
not something that is practiced regularly in most organizations. As a
matter of fact, it is often avoided – especially in business. Many
managers don’t like to deal with confrontation – which, unfortunately,
has the same negative connotation as ‘discipline’ or ‘work.’
People are not truthful and open with each other simply because the
truth is often the most difficult pill to swallow for the person receiving
it. It is also difficult for the person delivering it. I believe, however,
that confrontation is good.”
~ Mike Krzyzewski, Leading with the Heart
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Saving Private Ryan
• Special “project”
• Lost one man to sniper
• Stumble upon a machine gun
bunker = decision
• Lose their medic
• Project team seriously questioning “why”
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Breakout Discussion
Assume you are Tom Hanks, the team is
disintegrating in front of your eyes:
• Ryven wants to bail on the mission
• The Sergeant is getting ready to shoot him for
desertion
• The rest of the team is seriously questioning their own
commitment and the sergeant's old school approach
What do you do?
Take (:08)
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Suggestions…
1)
A simple way to de-escalate a conflict situation is to move yourself
and the person you’re talking with to a different setting, and use
collaborative language in the beginning. “Help me find a solution
that works for both of us.”
2) When offering your thoughts about the team’s or other’s motivations,
speak only for yourself. “I can’t speak for the rest of the team, but
for me, I think…”
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Closing Thought…
“It helps to think of freedom as being the
choice to be the creators of our own experience
and accept the unbearable responsibility that goes
with that. Out of this insight grows the idea that
perhaps the real task of leadership is to confront
people with their freedom. This may be the
ultimate act of love that is called from those who
hold power over others.” ~Peter Block, The Answer To How is Yes!
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Questions?
Comments?
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