H. Norman Wright
The parents as well as three siblings of a
twenty-three-year-old woman came in for
grief counseling. All were neat, well
dressed and fairly quiet. The parents
were first to speak about their daughter.
They began with a description which
characterized her as a quality young
woman, their first born in the family. She
was gifted in every area of her life and
had a bright future ahead of her.
The parents went into great detail about
her abilities and accomplishments,
stopping every now and then because of
their inability to talk. Often all five were
in tears. Two weeks prior she and her
seven-month old unborn child and her
mother-in-law were driving on a freeway
when a truck struck and killed all of
them. Since that time every member of
this family has been struggling.
1. After greeting each person I would validate
the fact they have experienced a great loss
in their life. If I didn’t know already I would
ask the name of the daughter as well as the
mother-in-law and whenever I made
reference to either I would use their name
rather than refer to them in a general way.
One of the first questions I ask is, “Tell me
about
(the daughter) and
have each of the family respond.
Too often children are left out of the
interaction. After each has responded my
next question is, “Would you describe for
me what the last two weeks has been
like” so each has a chance to tell their
story. Within this I often ask how they
heard the news and to describe their
reaction.
2. My goal is to have them tell their story
and then normalize for them what they
are experiencing and educate them
about grief and what to expect in the
future (using the handout on the “Crazy
Feelings of Grief”). I’d also want to find
out about their support system as well as
giving some suggestions to eliminate the
pressure of other individuals.
I also mention that each of them may
grieve in a different way and with a
different intensity. That’s all right and it’s
not a sign that the other person doesn’t
care if their grief is less intense. I ask,
“How can the other family members
support you at this time?”
3. Some of the questions directed toward
the parents could be asked of the
siblings. I also let everyone know that I
would be willing to meet with each one
individually. One reason for this is the
deceased was described as a “special
gifted” individual but was she in the eyes
of the siblings? Sometimes even in the
initial session I ask for a favorite memory
from siblings.
Some may have a mixture of feelings. At
some point I would ask the parents and
siblings alike if there was any unfinished
business or issues between them and the
deceased or if there was something they
wished they could have said to her
before she died. If so, I would suggest
writing a detailed letter and reading it
aloud at the place of internment.
4. I would like each one to believe there
will be help for all of them during the
months and years ahead of them. Any
suggestions or recommendations made
need to be put in writing such as the list
of “Crazy Feelings of Grief,” etc. I would
give each one a copy of Experiencing
Grief as well, and suggest they read it
when they’re ready. I also let them know
that it is normal not to remember what
they read at this time. I send home a DVD
called Tear Soup and ask them to watch
this together.
5. There are two other family members
who were lost as well. It would be easy to
ignore them and gloss over this loss. I
would ask about them as well as the
effect this loss is having. For the parents,
the loss is a grandchild which is major.
Other and possible grievers would include
husband, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends,
fellow workers, pastors, church, ob gyn,
husband’s family, grandparents, truck
driver, and similar group of individuals.
It’s important to consider who will
minister to them and how.
One of our tasks is to identify neglected
grievers and reach out to them as well.
Sending or giving them Experiencing
Grief as well as making available copies
of Tear Soup has been helpful.
6. Not only was this a sudden death but it
was multiple tragedy involving someone’s
child and unborn grandchild. There
could be the possibility of legal
complications because it was a vehicular
accident. The way in which the
notification was made could be a factor
as well. (Refer to the section on sudden
death for additional information).
0
First Memory
Disneyland
3
4
5
7
8
10
New
School
Grandpa
Died
Hamster
Died
Broken Arm
Couldn’t Play Soccer
First
Memory
0 3 4
5
Hamster
Died
Grandpa
Died
Couldn’t Go
To Grandpa’s
Cabin
Wasn’t Allowed
To Attend Funeral
10
New
School
Lost Toys
Grandpa
Gave Her
Broke
Arm
A Boy She
Liked
Doesn’t’
Like Her
Two Friends
Stopped
Calling
The “crazy” feelings of grief are actually a
sane response to grief. The following
examples are all symptoms of normal
grief:
 distorted
thinking patterns, “crazy”
and/or irrational thoughts, fearful
thoughts
 feelings of despair and hopelessness
 out of control or numbed emotions
 changes
in sensory perceptions (sight,
taste, smell, etc.).
 increased irritability
 may want to talk a lot or not at all
 memory lags and mental “short-circuits”
 inability
to concentrate
 obsessive focus on the loved one
 losing track of time
 increase or decrease of appetite and/or
sexual desire
 difficulty falling or staying asleep
 dreams
in which the deceased seems to
visit the griever
 nightmares in which death themes are
repeated
 physical illness like the flu, headaches or
other maladies
 shattered beliefs about life, the world,
and even God
When you lie down you shall not be
afraid; yes, you shall lie down and your
sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of
sudden terror and strong, nor of the
stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the
wicked when it comes [for you will be
guiltless], For the Lord shall be your
confidence, firm and strong, and shall
keep you foot from being caught [in a
trap or hidden danger].
Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP
You will not be afraid when you go to bed
and you will sleep soundly through the
night.
Psalm 3:5, Good News Bible
If I’m sleepless at midnight, I spend the
hours in grateful reflection.
Psalm 63:6, The Message
When my anxious thoughts multiply within
me, Your consolations delight my soul.
Psalm 94:19
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you
alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8
In a dream, a vision of the night
When sound sleep falls on men,
Then He opens the ears of men,
And seals their instruction. (Job 33:15-16).
Dear God,
We give thanks for the darkness of the
night where lies the world of dreams.
Guide us closer to our dreams so that we
may be nourished by them. Give us good
dreams and memory of them so that we
may carry their poetry and mystery into
our daily lives
Grant us deep and restful sleep that we
may wake refreshed with strength
enough to renew a world grown tired.
We give thanks for the inspiration of stars,
the dignity of the moon and the lullabies
of crickets and frogs.
Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a
sanctuary of peace, where silence shall
be music to our hearts and darkness shall
throw light upon our souls. Good night.
Sweet dreams.
Amen
Michael Leuing
A Common Prayer
Anticipation can be a great part of life. For
many it’s something that adds excitement
to existence and an eagerness within.
The word actually mans “to feel or realize
beforehand: foresee. To look forward to
or to foresee and fulfill in advance.
One of the most difficult times of life is
when what we anticipate is the
inevitability of someone’s death. We tend
to think of grief as after the fact rather
than beforehand. Many of the people you
will minister to will experience this type
of grief. It can also mean “to act in
advance, to prevent, forestall.”
One wife said, “When all that remained
was hope for my husband’s survival, and
he continued to decline, I felt absolutely
helpless. My arsenal was depleted. There
was nothing to do but surrender and
redefine hope to be much greater than
whether he lived or died. In the end, the
effort ‘to forestall’ seemed to cause
everyone involved suffering. At the same
time, it was an integral part of the
journey.”
Trepidation—”trepidatory grief” would be
a closer fit for the kind of grief people
with a life-threatening illness and their
loved ones go through up until the point
where bad days outnumber good ones.
Each day can bring new losses. If the person
is slowly changing, is debilitated or losing
control, there is grief over what is currently
being lost and for the future that will never
come.
Sometimes family members begin pulling
away from the dying person too soon and
engage in premature detachment. They
withdraw their emotional investment in the
person prior to their death.
Here are some possible losses:
Loss of control
Loss of independence
Loss of being productive
Loss of security
Loss of personal abilities (physical,
psychological and cognitive)
Loss of life experiences
Loss of future earthly existence
Loss of pleasure
Loss of plans, dreams and hopes
Loss of other loved ones
Loss of family’s involvement
Loss of identity
Loss of meaning
Terminally ill individuals experience and
struggle with many of the same feelings
as the mourners.
1. The capacity to cope is diminished as
the shock overwhelms the person at the
same time additional stressors are
added.
2. The loss doesn’t make sense, and can’t
be understood or absorbed.
3. Sudden loss or sudden death usually
leaves the survivor with a sense of
unreality that may last a long time.
4. Symptoms of acute grief and of physical
and emotional shock persist for a
prolonged period of time.
5. Sudden loss or death fosters a strongerthan-normal sense of guilt expressed in
“if only…” statements.
6. In sudden loss or death, the need to
blame someone for what happened is
extremely strong.
7. There’s a profound loss of security and
confidence in the world which affects all
areas of life and increases many kinds of
anxiety.
8. Sudden loss or death often involves
medical and legal authorities.
9. Sudden loss or death often elicits a
sense of helplessness on the part of the
survivor.
10. The loss cuts across experience in the
relationship and ends to highlight what
was happening at the time of death, often
causing these last-minute situations to be
out of proportion with the rest of the
relationship and predisposing of
problems with realistic recollection and
guilt.
11. Sudden loss or death leaves the
survivors with many regrets a sense of
unfinished business.
12. In the event of sudden loss or death
there is the need to understand why it
happened. Along with this is the need to
ascribe not only the cause but the blame.
Sometimes God is the only available
target and it is not uncommon to hear
someone say, “I hate God.”
13. The death tends to be followed by a
number of major secondary losses
because of the consequences of lack of
anticipation.
14. The death can provoke posttraumatic
stress responses.
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this
is amazingly accurate. Read the full
description before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins
in it. It was used in a case study on stress
levels at St. Mary’s Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the
water. The dolphins are identical. A
closely monitored scientific study
revealed that, in spite of the fact that the
dolphins are identical, a person under
stress would find differences in the two
dolphins.
The more differences a person finds
between the dolphins, the more stress
that person is experiencing.
Look at the photograph and if you find
more than one or two differences you
may want to take a vacation.
Multiple Deaths: One death is sufficiently
devastating; dealing with a set of losses
overloads your emotional circuits.
Violent Death from Accident, Suicide, or
Murder: These events are additionally
weighted with overriding concerns about
the possibility of the persons suffering,
guilt over your inability to prevent the
death, and shame about the way it
occurred. You may also have to deal with
distractions from law enforcement and
other official agencies.
Questionable Deaths: Not knowing or
being sure about the circumstances can
lead to intense anger and frustration.
Witnessing the Death: While seeing a
peaceful, tranquil death may be of some
comfort, watching a person die leaves a
permanent imprint. The last impression
may be all the more horrific if the death
were under difficult or unusual
circumstances.
Discovering the Body: Finding the body is
shocking enough; having to break the
news adds additional trauma.
Hearing the News: Learning of the person’s
death in a callous manner or getting
confusing or dishonest information
primes us for problematic mourning.
Notoriety: Having a loved one die in a way
that generates news coverage means
putting a public face on private grief.
A Body That’s Not Presentable or No Body:
Dealing with a badly damaged body may
be particularly traumatic for a child or
teen. Not being able to view or positively
identify the remains can also produce
lingering doubts.
Secrets Discovered After the Death:
Discovering that the person mourned as
mother was actually grandmother.
1.
2.
3.
A history of extended or prolonged
grief that reflects an already existing
difficulty with grief.
A wide variety of symptoms such as
guilt, self-blame, panic attacks, feelings
of choking and fears.
Physical symptoms similar to those of
the deceased person’s terminal illness
due to over-identification with the
individual.
4. A restless searching for what was lost with a
lot of purposeless, random behavior and
moving about.
5. Recurring depression that is triggered on
specific dates such as anniversary of the
loss, birthday of the deceased person,
holidays and even becoming the same age
as the person who died. When these
reactions are more extreme than normal
responses, it can be indicative of unresolved
grief.
6. Feelings that the loss occurred
yesterday, even though months or years
have passed.
7. Enshrinement or unwillingness to
remove the belongings of a deceased
person after a reasonable period of time.
8. Changes in personal relationships with
other significant people following the
death.
9. Withdrawal from normal religious
activities and avoidance of usual
mourning activities that are part of the
person’s culture.
10. Inability to talk about the loss without
breaking down especially when it
occurred over a year before.
11. Extensive thinking about and noticing
themes of loss in life.
12. Minor losses that trigger major grief
reactions.
13. Phobias about death or illness.
14. Excluding anything or anyone who
used to associated with a significant loss
or deceased person.
15. A compulsion to imitate the deceased
person due to over-identification with
him or her.
The three most important steps to take in
helping a person:
1). Listening with your eyes
2). Listening with your ears
3). Listening with your heart
James 1:19: Prov. 18:13
Listen for emotions as well as body
complaints. Listen for the times when
their grief returns after moving forward.
Listen for what they can’t put into words.
Assess: Part of your involvement is to
determine what the person’s psychological,
physical and behavioral needs are and how
well they are meeting these needs and
functioning.
Normalize: This is one of the most supportive
steps you can take. This may need to occur
verbally againa dn again but also by
sharing with them the “Ball of Grief”. They
need your validation again and again that
what they’re experiencing is normal. It’s
vital to be realistic, positive and informative.
Reassure: Let the person know that he or she
will be able to survive their grief journey
although at times they may not believe this.
You will need to lend them your faith and
hope until theirs returns. You may need to
remind them that support and help will be
available. The phrase “You will get through
this” is helpful. Remember, you can’t give
them a time or how their world will be a
year or two from now. Let them know that
you ad countless others they’re not even
aware of will be praying for them as well.
Support: Help the griever discover or
develop a supportive network of family,
friends, neighbors and professionals.
Help tem to identify how they need and
would like to be supported. Positive
support reinforces their ability to express
their feelings and concerns.
Plan: Planning is the heart of any type of
counseling and coaching. This is a
procedure that involves small, realistic
and attainable steps. Plans need to be
short-term initially. Everything decided
on needs to be in writing so they can
remember. Plans need to be adjusted
and customized for each person. Codesign and plans with the grievers and
encourage them to suggest the plans.
Clarify: Identify the griever’s goals and
purpose in the counseling sessions.
Intervene: There will be times when you
may need to correct beliefs or even
behaviors or plans. The way in which this
is done should be general and
supportive.
Educate: You will constantly be teaching in
a direct or indirect manner. Printed
material is necessary. Visual charts and
graphs to plot progress will be beneficial
at this time.
Monitor: Look for signs and symptoms of
the griever being stuck, overly distressed
or in serious depression, which may need
additional assistance such as additional
support, medical help, hospitalization,
group support and so on. As you learn
these guidelines, they’ll become a
regular pattern to follow as you minister.
A four step process in ministering to a
mourner.
Remembering is the first step.
Remembering realistically involves
complete review of all recollections
about the deceased and the mutual
relationship.
All means precisely what it says: the full
range of memories, of needs, feelings,
thoughts, behavior and interaction
patterns, hopes, wishes, fantasies,
dreams, assumptions, expectations and
beliefs. It also means all of the aspects of
each of these memories and all of the
feelings about them – good and bad,
happy and sad, fulfilling and unfulfilling,
comfortable and uncomfortable and so
forth.
Recalling the significant and perhaps
insignificant events and occasions helps
in relearning the world without the
person. We’re back to having people tell
their story in their own way and timing.
Telling their story has two places. At first
the telling is accompanied by pain. You
can ask helpful questions to help direct
the person:
What are the stories you can tell about
that bring a smile to your
face?
What are the stories that bring the greatest
pain?
Who would like to hear your stories about
, and how could we
make that happen?
When do you find yourself longing for
the most?
How do you handle that?
One of the goals and something to
encourage the griever with is that
someday the stories will be told without
pain. That’s the second place for the
story.
A next step: reaffirm their values.
Questions to Ask:
1. Can you describe how
’s
death has affected what you believe
about life?
2. Has this experience drawn you away
from or closer to God?
3. Since the death, how has your faith been
impacted?
A third step: Realize Others have different
words for it, but it is accepting or
realizing that a death has occurred.
The last step: Release. It’s another way of
saying goodbye. It’s a process of taking a
step into our newly unfolding world.
Releasing and saying goodbye may take
awhile and may have to be repetitive.
Bereavement is not a malady from which
we recoil. To recover implies a return to
the kind of life we previously knew, and
such is not the case with those grieving
death loss.
The following is an example of the first few
minutes of a counseling session that
incorporates some of the steps of the
four-step process.
June: It’s important that I start back 23
years ago and tell you what I’ve been
through, since it reflects on my currant
situations. Maybe it will help you
understand why I’m feeling the way I am
and feel so isolated. Others don’t really
want to hear my story since they don’t
see how it relates to how I feel now and
where I’m at.
Counselor: I’d like you to tell your story.
This will help me understand more about
you and who you are, as well as the
present situation. Take your time, and if
you need to stop at any time, just let me
know.
June: I was married at 25 to what I thought
was a godly man, and everything went
well at first. A few years later, I
discovered gay port on our computer
and confronted him, which he denied.
We stayed for several years, then one day I
“discovered” him, and we divorced. At
first I thought I had arrived with the man
of my dreams, but those dreams died. I
was single for three years and then
remarried a quality man, or so I thought.
Then the verbal abuse began. It
continued.
Three years ago, my first ex died, and I
discovered it was from a sexual disease.
Last year, I began losing energy. I don’t’
know what’s wrong. I fear the worst. I
can’t believe how much I miss my ex… I
don’t know… my life seems over.
Counselor: What you have shared with me
says that many of your dreams have died.
It’s almost like a part of you has died, like
you’re experiencing the death of yourself
while you’re still living, and the ability to
handle everything is not working…?
June: It’s true. I never thought about this as
a type of death. I saw it as one loss, upon
another loss, another dream shattered.
I’ve tried to handle everything; and the
23 years have not turned out the way I
thought they would. I think of me then
and then now, and it doesn’t make sense.
Counselor: Perhaps you could think about
this as a series of losses—of who you
were in the past, and grieve over each
one. I’d guess there are a number of these
losses that you’ve never grieved over…is
that a possibility?
June: It’s more than a possibility. It’s a fact. I
haven’t. I’m not sure where to begin.
Counselor: I wonder if it would help to
begin by identifying each loss and then
look at what hasn’t died with you and use
this to move ahead. What are your
thoughts about that?
June: I guess we could. I appreciate nay
help at this time.
In this case, June needed someone to
listen, to care, to clarify and to believe
that she could move ahead.
Trauma is the response to any event that
shatters your world.
It’s more than a state of crisis. Trauma
leaves you feeling unsafe because your
place of refuge has been invaded
The word trauma comes from a Greek word
that means “wound.” It’s a condition
characterized by the phrase “I just can’t
seem to get over it.”
In a physical trauma the word has two
meanings. Some part of the body is
impacted with such a powerful force that
the body’s natural protections such as the
skin or bones can’t prevent the injury.
And then the body’s normal natural
healing capabilities can’t mend the injury
without some assistance
Emotionally you can be wounded in the
same manner. You can be assaulted so
much emotionally that your beliefs about
yourself and life, your will to grow, your
spirit, your dignity, and your sense of
security are all damaged. You end up
feeling helpless. You can experience this
for a degree in a crisis and bounce back.
In a trauma you have difficulty bouncing
back because you feel depersonalized.
In a trauma something happens in your
brain that affects the way you process
information. It affects how you interpret
and store the event you experience.
The wound of trauma can create a condition
called PTSD, or post-traumatic stress
disorder. It is not just an emotional response
to troubling events; it’s the expression of a
persistent deregulation of body and brain
chemistry. And brain chemistry can be
altered for decades. Trauma creates chaos
in our brain and causes emotional as well as
cognitive concussion. Entering the world of
trauma is like looking into a fractured
looking glass. The familiar appears
disjointed and disturbing; a strange new
world unfolds.
Traumatization is about being trapped in
the uncompleted act of escape – Our task
is to help tem escape and find a safe
haven.
A traumatized event produces chronic
inescapable stress or a permanent
imbalance.
1. Trauma’s a separation from safety.
—It’s invasive – invades all areas of our
life
—It must be dealt with in a unique way
for each one
2. It’s unpredictable – You think you’re
dropping your child off at daycare or
high school or your spouse goes to work
or a parent boards a plane.
3. Every new trauma activates the old one.
It taps into all the old stuff
4. Trauma means that nothing will be the
same again.
5. Pain will not last forever – it will
diminish.
6. Half to two-thirds of victims grow in a
positive way.
—Develop a greater appreciation for
life
—Deepen spiritual beliefs
—Feel stronger
—Build closer relationships
7. Those who recover –
They see the event as a challenge, not an
overwhelming problem.
They’re optimistic.
They connect with people.
PTSD Symptoms:
 Flashbacks
 Traumatic Dreams
 Memory Disturbance
 Persistent Intrusive Recollections
 Self Medication – Substance Abuse
 Anger Irritability
PTSD Symptoms:
 Dazed or Numb Appearance
 Panic Attacks
 Phobia Formation
 Startle Response
 Hyper-Vigilance
1.
2.
Tell the story
Challenge the symptoms